LEO
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26/02/2003
Panay, The Philippines
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What the fuck have I done?

Everything we've been through has gone down the fucking gutter, all because I couldn't keep my lips off of hers for any longer. Couldn't keep my fingers out of her either, apparently.

And now, I've had to lie my way out of it. I told her it was a mistake, even though it was the complete damn opposite.

I wanted it so fucking much that I couldn't think straight; couldn't think rationally. I definitely didn't think about the fucking consequences, how severely it will change things between us.

I really thought that lying was my only option, but I think it's made everything worse. I don't know how I can even look her in the damn eyes again.

I noticed her jolt a little as the words left my mouth. She said it might have been a mistake, I said it was a mistake.

Why, for the love of fucking God, didn't I just say the same damn thing as her?

Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I need to try and stay away from her, because the way she makes me feel is something completely foreign to me. I feel so vulnerable around her. She's the only person who's managed to break through the walls I've built around me, without even trying.

She is the last person I ever thought would cause these conflicting emotions.

There's just something about her, there's always been something about her.

I used to hate it, I used to despise her. I used to despise way she always quirked her eyebrows and folded her arms after making a point. I hated that she was the one person who didn't back down to me.

Now? Now they're all just things I love about her. I love the way she puts up a fight, the way she doesn't take any shit. I love the dramatic sigh that heaves from her lips whenever I say something that pisses her off.

I even fucking love her stubbornness.

Now, the only thing that I hate is how fucking badly I want her.

I used to think that if she was out of the equation, my life would be easier. I think it was the fact I almost lost her twice that made me realise my life would be a whole lot fucking worse if she wasn't in it.

Now she's a part of it, I can't imagine it without her.

Thank God I haven't physically lost her, but emotionally, I think I have.

She probably doesn't even realise I'm leaning against the other side of the barracks door, battling the urge to dash back in and tell her that I was lying.

I can't, for her sake. She's been through enough, the last thing she needs to worry about is this. Us.

I sigh, removing my fingers from the handle and forcing myself away. I know I've got to face her again in a very short amount of time since North wants to talk to us both about Abe.

I need to take my mind off of things until then, otherwise I'm just going to spiral.

I head towards the other barracks, pushing open the door. Inside, I see some of the old hostages either napping or talking amongst each other.

Ali is perched on one of the lower bunks, sketching something onto a piece of scrap paper whilst Divya and Rohit are asleep.

Since our group rescued him and his family, he seems to have become fucking attached to me. I can't pretend I don't enjoy it, he reminds me of Jaques. I always enjoyed being a big brother back then, nothings changed.

"Hey, kiddo," I grin, striding towards his bunk. He whips his head around and beams.

"Leo!"

"What are you drawing?" I crouch next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He quickly pulls the paper close to his chest.

"It's a secret," he whispers.

"Ah, come on. Who do I really have to tell? Unless it's an insulting picture of me, you don't have to hide it," I chuckle.

He hesitates for a moment before slowly pulling the paper away from his chest to show me.

I don't know what shocks me more. The fact that this kid is a literal fucking artist, or what he has been drawing.

She's fucking everywhere. I came here to take my mind off of her.

"It's Shields, the officer who gave me her vest," he smiles, handing me the scrap of paper.

"Yeah, you can tell it's her alright. You're an amazing artist, bud." I give him a gentle nudge on the shoulder, studying the sketch in awe.

Somehow, with a single blunt pencil, he's captured every aspect of her; even down to the small scars scattered across her face, the pattern of freckles over her nose.

She is so fucking beautiful.

"Is sketching something you do at home?" I tilt my head, gaze not leaving the paper.

"Yeah, I've been drawing since I was a little kid. I'd like to sketch portraits for a living when I'm older," he grins.

"Did you draw this from memory?" I glimpse at him, catching his nod.

"Yeah. I have a tendency for it, I never forget somebody's face. The face is always the first thing I study when I meet somebody." He smiles.

Holy shit.

I don't want to have to ask this, but this could be extremely useful.

"Ali, I really don't want to talk about your time in captivity, but do you remember Las by any chance? Did you see what he looked like behind the mask?"

Ali looks up for a second before nodding again, "yes. He looked a lot like her," he gestures to the sketch of Nova.

There's unfortunately no surprise there.

"I'm asking a lot here, Ali. I understand completely if you're not comfortable with this, but Las is somebody we need to hunt down. For that reason, a recent picture of him would help. Do you think you could sketch his face?" My words are hesitant, he's just a kid.

To my surprise, he nods immediately.

"Of course, especially if it will help," he smiles.

"You're an amazing kid, y'know?" I grin, scuffing his hair. "You remind me a lot of how my little brother was."

"You have a little brother?" He raises his eyebrows.

"Well, I had a little brother. He passed away when I was younger," I sigh, Ali frowns. 

"Im so sorry to hear that, Leo."

"Hey, it's alright. I have a discussion I have to go to with the Commander. I'll come see you later, yeah? Maybe we can play 'who am I?' again." I change the subject.

His sad expression fades as he grins, "alright, that sounds like a plan."

I stand up from my crouch, passing the paper back to him but he rejects it.

"You can give it to her if you want," he speaks softly, pushing my hands back towards myself.

I hesitate for a moment before nodding slowly, waving goodbye to him as I stride towards the exit. My eyes find the sketch again as I step outside, studying it carefully and tracing every line the pencil created.

I wonder if she'll ever look at me in the flesh this way again, after what just happened.

It mightn't be right of me, but she's not getting this picture. I fold the paper like it's made out of glass before sliding it into my back pocket.

—

You couldn't slice through the tension with a double edged sword. We're sat right next to each other, arms almost touching, yet not quite.

I want to grab her arm, throw her on North's desk , rip off those flimsy shorts and show her just how badly I actually want her.

North is pacing around in front of us. It's reminiscent of when he used to scold us, back when me and her first got assigned as co-captains and couldn't function without constantly pissing each other off.

"Abe," he starts, hands reaching forward to grip the desk, "what are we going to do with him?"

"He defected. He gave us information to help our group, he doesn't deserve to be locked away for that, he's practically still a kid." Nova sighs.

"I know that very damn well, Shields. I don't want to see him locked up for life either, but his defection doesn't change the things he did when he was with Altashih." North grunts.

"Do we know what he did, aside for being involved in the hijack that day?" I ask, leaning forward.

"He says that was against his will, that it was his Father's orders. Apparently had his life threatened," he mumbles.

"Do we have any valid reason to believe him, aside from us just hoping he's being honest?" Nova tilts her head, I steal a quick glance at her.

"Priscilla ran him by a polygraph. Not completely trustworthy, I know, but according to that he was being honest."

"What even are the options for him?" I murmur.

"We can either leave him here, let the Filipino government deal with him, or we can attempt to bring him back to the States. I know what I think the easier option is." North sighs, looking away.

"You think we should leave him here, right Sir?" Nova asks, he nods.

"I don't want to, but we're going to have a lot on our case already with, well, Nicholas. He's still a danger, and we need to track him down before he starts some other damn rebellion." His voice trails off towards the end of the sentence.

Nova sinks into silence.

"You two know more than me, but what information did he give up that helped us so greatly?" He leans forward in anticipation.

Nova and I glance at each other for a second in quietness, waiting on the other to speak. I decide to break the silence.

"He told me that Jed was the insider, and that he'd lured Nova out to kill her. When I met him again in captivity, he told me about Las, well, Nicholas. Apparently he also gave up our location to her when you all broke in to free us. He also came to alert you all when Nova got stabbed, which probably saved her life." I gesture towards her.

North takes a sharp inhale, heaving it out and looking down at his hands.

"It's a hard decision," he mumbles before continuing.

"For now, he stays here in the Philippines. He doesn't have a personal vendetta against Fleetwood, it sounds like his Dad did, however. Once all of this Nicholas shit is dealt with, we will check up and see what he's doing. If he's locked up, we will try and use our power to get him out."

"What if he just meets his Dad, though? What if he tries to use him again?" Nova asks worriedly.

"He's dead. Apparently Abe saw his body on his way to alerting us of your location. He seemed relieved about it, if anything."

"He deserves a second chance at life, a chance at living out of the restraints of others," she mumbles.

"I know, Shields. Once we've got that damn Nicholas neutralised, Abe will be on the priority list." North sighs, pushing himself away from the desk.

"I've made my decision, I'm going to have a discussion with Vincent and Kingston before finalising anything. You two can leave for now," he waves his hands at us.

We stand up in unison, shooting an affirmative nod in Norths direction before heading towards the exit.

Nova strides ahead of me, barely holding the door open as she speeds out and away as fast as fucking possible. I'm about to call after her, jab a remark so I can see her furrow her eyebrows and cross her arms.

But I can't do that now.

—

"So darlin', say we weren't ops, would you say yes if I asked you out on a date?" Dylan grins, hand perched on her shoulder as he sits next to her in the mess hall.

I'm on a different bench, but I've been keeping my eye out.

This fucker is really testing my patience.

"I would honestly rather go on a date with North at this point, Dyl." Nova grins, earning a laugh from Tara. A smirk tugs on my lips but I bite it down.

"Come on, I'm not that bad." Dylan raises a hand in defence.

"I think you are, in fact, that bad Dylan." Tara snickers, looking at Nova before suddenly scrunching her eyebrows.

"Wait, what is that on your neck?"

Fuck.

Nova runs her hand across the side of her neck, brushing the purple, bruise like mark.

Her eyes catch mine for a split second before she immediately diverts her gaze.

I gave her a fucking love bite.

"It's just a bruise that hasn't faded from the whole ordeal with Altashih." She fakes a grin, glancing back down at her food and pulling up her collar.

It goes right over Dylan's head, but not Tara's. She shoots her an uncertain glance, it's obvious she isn't convinced. She knows Nova extremely well, it's no surprise she can see right through that excuse.

"Oh, right," Tara smiles, clearly not going to question it in front of everybody else.

Dylan shifts a little closer to her, but his gaze meets my death glare. He starts to edge away immediately, removing the hand from her shoulder.

I didn't realise I've been staring so intensely.

I watch as Nova finishes up her food, taking her plate and scraping it before leaving the hall. Tara follows hastily behind her, linking her arm and speaking with her about something.

I don't even think I need to guess what she's asking. She's going to ask about the 'bruise' that very obviously isn't a fucking bruise.

I fork at some pasta, eyes travelling up as Dylan hobbles over to me.

"Why do 'ya always look like you want to blast a bullet through my brain?" He scoffs.

"Why do you always try and get all up in her personal space?" I spit.

"Oh, so this is about Shields? More importantly, why do 'ya care what I do?" He folds his arms.

"Because it's obvious you make her uncomfortable," I mumble, Dylan raises his eyebrows.

"Oh, obvious is it? The woman's got a sense of humour, we have a laugh. You always had a tendency to get all involved with other peoples business, didn't 'ya Hendrix?" He sneers.

"Don't fucking test me, Holmes." I push myself up from the bench, towering over him.

"That's not what I'm tryna' do. I don't know what's going on in 'ya mind, but even a blind damn beggar could pick up the fact that 'ya have some sort of issue with me being close to her."

He's hit the nail right on the fucking head, but I won't let him know that.

"You're ridiculous. She's been through a lot recently. Maybe lay off your shit attempts at trying to seduce her, yeah?" I narrow my eyes.

He raises his hands in defence and grumbles under his breath before pacing away from me.

I sit back down. I'd love to just frisbee this bowl of pasta right at the back of his hollow fucking head, but that's hardly 'mature captain' of me.

I just need to figure out what I want. What's happening in my own head.

—
28/02/2003

It's been two days. Two fucking days and she hasn't said a damn word to me. She's barely even looked in my direction.

Does she think I resent her or something?

The preparations for returning to the US have been well underway, we're set to fly back in another two days time.

It feels as though we're fleeing from the middle of a storm. There's so many loose ends that haven't been tied, Nicholas being the main one.

What's even going to fucking happen when we get back to the States? Is Nova going back to the Falcons or will she be brought back to the Hawks?

If she stays in the Falcons, I'll barely ever see her. I didn't see her for months when she got transferred back.

And then she's taking her year out, my best guess is that she will go to Australia and visit her Dad.

I mightn't see her for over a fucking year.

I pull out the sketch of her from my back pocket, leaning against the wall in the dusky shadows pouring from over the roof of the barracks in the alley between two buildings. 

At least if I don't see her in the flesh, I've at least got a picture of her now. I didn't have that last time.

"What're you looking at?"

The picture is folded and wedged in my pocket once again before I've even looked up at her.

"Nothing, just preparations for when we leave Panay," I shrug.

"Oh, well can I see?" She takes a step forward.

Is this how it's going to be? Are we just going back to normal now? I did tell her to act like nothing happened, maybe this is her attempt.

"No," I grunt. She furrows her eyebrows.

"Why not?"

"Because you have your own damn copy of the preparations," I hiss.

Fuck. She can't see it.

"What are you hiding?" She folds her arms, eyebrows knitting together.

"Will you just leave me in peace, Nova?" I sigh, pacing over to her.

"When have I ever left you in peace?" She forces a chuckle.

"The past two damn days, maybe? When you haven't even looked in my fucking direction?" I snarl, glancing away.

"Well, what the fuck else did you want me to do? You weren't very goddamn clear of what you wanted to happen," she snaps

"Because you said it might have been a fucking mistake, Nova."

"You said it was a mistake, goddamnit Leo! You're the most confusing man I've ever met in my life. You're twenty-fucking-eight years old, just figure out what the fuck you want," she hisses.

That's it. I can't hold back.

"You want to know what I want, Nov?" I halt directly in front of her, glaring down.

"I don't think you even know what you want," she mumbles, looking away.

There's no going back now.

"I know very fucking well what I want," I grip her chin and tilt it upwards, forcing her gaze back towards my own. And I don't miss the emotion swimming in her eyes. The desire. The hunger.

I bore right into them as I say,
"I want you, Nova."