i am listless.

this place, so far from what i know

and yet so close to being home

i stand in the darkness of a house i've lived in before

but all i see is a ship

waves crashing against the deck

thunder booming above me

water.

i am a boat in the ocean

i am the captain of an unmanned vessel

i am alone.

it is dark and blue and green 

it feels like everyone around me could disappear, and i wouldn't even notice

there is no night life

no proof of existence

i stand to plug my phone in and feel a wave of hollowness rush over me

is it enough to go down with the ship?

can i ever atone for my sins?

i can hear the wood creak and the sails flap in the roaring wind

i hear the waves splashing onto the deck

and yet i am in utter, unbroken silence

when i close my eyes i am faced with a dream

when i was young, i had dreams about a ship being pulled under the tides

not a soul was on the old craft, although it must have had a captain

it is one of my first visions

a dream?

i am having that dream again.

i close my eyes and the ship flashes behind my sight, listless on the stormy seas

the cyclone has not caught it yet

no rain is falling, only the salty spray of ocean water on the deck as the waves roll up and down

the sails are useless here.

the captain is guaranteed a briny end, and yet he vows to stay with his ship

why do i yearn to be out on the water?

lakes where i cannot see the other side soothe me, the water rushing up to meet me and say hello

the ocean unnerved me, trying to drag me under and pull me away

was it just that i was unlucky?

my timing was off?

or was she calling to me?

i yearn for the sea and it calls to me in my sleep, in my waking hours, any time i am alone

how much longer can i resist?