i think this is my first post here of 2020. it is absolutely insane to realize that i joined this platform in 2014 and have made it six whole years.

i've spent a lot of time lately thinking about what direction my life is going. i'm a sophomore in highschool, with too many passions and no idea which path to follow.

it feels natural to return to the past. i'm playing minecraft so much, returning to my roots. it was cringey, but i love it still.
i look in the mirror and at pictures of myself and don't see the resemblance. is this good? to look nothing like what i used to? or is it a fresh start? i hung pictures on the wall to remind myself to keep going. i tied a ribbon to the ceiling fan to remember all those i've lost and to keep myself from jumping off the edge after them.

i've created a little world where life is what i make of it, and i look around and see just how similar it is to the room.

i took my dreams and made them reality. it feels right to be here, to smile without having to worry about being shot down.

i have a lot of fears. a lot of trauma. but i still have friends to hold me up. i have a wonderful girlfriend who is so much better than i deserve. i have a grip on reality, and i'm not letting go of the chance to be happy. i want to give things a rightful goodbye, like hrp.

i started that so long ago. my friend and i, it was just going to be us. it grew so fast. i want to let it keep growing, but it's not something i can keep on top of. maybe i'll revive it one last time, only to have it collapse when i fall behind again. maybe i'll give it a final ending.

whatever i do, i want anyone who's still out there waiting to know that you are loved. you are wanted. you can keep living, because it will get better in time. these don't have to be the best years of your life, you can cry when you need to, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

signing off, ash.