Remember, to let her into your heart,

then we can start, to make it better.

...... and any time you feel the pain-

Hey Jude, refrain

- The Beatles, Hey Jude

This song just captures this and the next chapter chapters so well! I could put almost all of the lyrics up there ^^ I had to refrain ;) However, I did not refrain from double-updating. Yup. Well, it happens, and I'm so excited about these coming chapters! 

 A side note: I'm a little uncertain of this chapter- it seems a bit...ramble-y towards the end. 

~~~~

"And you just like to fix people."

Alura glared at me.

"Sorry, I thought we were stating obvious facts," it's very clear I am not sorry. Good.

"Clover, be serious," Scarlet seemed unfazed. "This is a problem for you! There's a root problem you need to address."

"It doesn't take a genius," I said dully. "Everyone I care about dies."

"Hello?!" Scarlet gestured to herself and Alura. "What are we, chopped liver?"

"My mother died because of me," I said loudly.

"I don't think that's true-" Scarlet began gently.

"Well, it is!" I stood up angrily. "If my mother hadn't been outside, talking to me, she wouldn't have been murdered!"

"I'm not entirely sure what we're talking about, but if you were outside when they killed her, don't you think if she wasn't they would just come inside and kill all of you?"

"She-died-because-of-me!" I fling the words out. The last few months of researching- all of it has been in vain. We failed.

I failed.

It's still my fault.

I collapsed onto the floor, shaking sobs racking my chest. My face is hot and wet with snot and tears, I bury it in my robes.

I failed.

"Clover," I can hear Scarlet's voice. 

"Clover," Scarlet says again, timidly. "Don't you think- well, you're kind of proof that what your mother did wasn't in vain? I mean, if she hadn't given you that memory, or information, or whatever- then no one would have it, and what she did would be for nothing. Besides," she continues, sitting on my bed.

 "I'm sure your mom was smart- well, aside from putting that information in an eight-year old's head, but anyway. She knew what she was getting into. She knew that spying for the Order was dangerous, that the information she was trying to find was putting her at a risk. She knew that, but did it anyway. Don't take the honor away from her sacrifice."

I hear her getting up, and Alura going with her. I am left alone again, stuck in my still thoughts. 

I sat on the floor for what felt like a long time, trying not to think about any of this. My mind felt numb. I knew if I thought anything, it would result in crying or screaming or both, so I just lay on the stone floor and wondered why no one thought to put a carpet here.

It was stupid, really. Carpets should be mandatory, so numbskulls didn't forget to put one down and live their lives oblivious to it. I raised my head half-heartedly, and realized the bed I was lying by was mine.

Oh well.

After an eternity, I hauled myself to my feet, and in the spirt in being productive, fell onto the bed.

McGonagall's face flashed in my mind- her hand outstretched, touching my cheek, smiling tenderly. The image brought tears to my eyes, and I shoved it away. I wiped my face, and thought of my mother, face frozen in laughter. Arms around Cass. Around my father. Around me.

My legs feeling like lead, I stumbled to my trunk and fished out the picture of her from all the clothes. Her face and Cass's were pressed together, their eyes squinting from laughing. Her hair was tangled- self consciously, I ran my fingers through my own knotted locks.

I looked down. My stuff was unceremoniously shoved underneath the bed from when I gotten back from Cass's, almost three weeks ago now.

Tears splashed on the stone.

Hesitantly, I shoved my arm under the bed, groping for a pile of letters near the headboard. They must have been from the last four years of Hogwarts- most were torn and tattered, with food spills on them.

Cautiously, I picked one up, sitting on the floor.

Clover!

I'm so happy to hear you're in Ravenclaw! You're going to be the smartest one in the family, for sure. Next time that numbskull Uncle Ed comes around, you can tell him why I can't create more food, just out of thin air. It's going to be amazing.

(On the other hand, they visit so little, I might not even be alive for it)

I tear my eyes away and pick up another one.

Dearest Clover,

What do you mean, you're in the hospital wing again? I told you, Quidditch is a very dangerous sport, so you must be careful above all else. Yes, even above winning. Another injury like this, I think we're going to have to rethink that new broom for Christmas.

Speaking on winning, the House Cup better have Ravenclaw on it! Contradictory, I now- but the House Cup involves being a good student, not breaking a femur. I know you'll make me proud.

Stifling a sob, I moved onto the next one- it's just the bottom half of a letter.

Are you coming home for winter break? The department is giving me extra personal days for all that time I spent on the McKinnon case, so I'll be home the whole time you are! I was thinking of heading somewhere tropical for a change, what do you think about the Caribbean?

All my love,

Cass

We never went on that trip. Cass got the dragonpox, and we stayed home. At least the sick days came in handy.

Clover,

I know, right? He's just the cutest thing. You are very incorrect, he does not look like a pug. Those are dogs, Clover. But I'll admit, Tubble is a much better name than Chauncey- although he's still very much a 'Mr'. You've won this time!

Molly is coming over tomorrow to help with that apple tree issue- I think it's going to get rather violent. The tree, that is- not Molly and me. Did you know her husband is working on a Muggle car that flies? I just have to have one. Do you think he's taking orders? Or maybe I'll make my own. It's technically illegal, after all.

I stopped reading.

It occurred to me that that was what mothers and daughters did. They supported each other. Loved each other. Told each other about their days. Argued over what to name the cat.

I imagined Cass growing up without a mother. Did she feel like this? Eventually, even her husband, sister, father, and extended family left her, either because of death, or because no one would talk to her after they found out she was still with Charlie, back when she looked like a loyal Death Eater. At least I had Cass, and Mr. Tubble, and my friends.

But Cass...Cass had screwed with my head. Tampered my memories. And she hadn't even told me, and probably wouldn't have if I didn't find the memory by accident. It seemed foolish to me that my mother thought the best place to hide a secret was in an eight-year-old's mind. Well, I suppose Cass already had a target on her back, being one of the Order.

 Maybe she planned to remove it eventually. Maybe Charlie didn't really trust the Order. The thought brings a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. Charlie was only on one team- hers. Ours.

The thought of my family trying to keep me safe, fighting for me- even if it ended up hurting me- was...an emotional one.

I had never really thought I had family- I mean, Cass was just an aunt, and Charlie was dead. But..that was selfish, in a way. Cass had raised me, and loves me, I suppose. Isn't that what families do? Love?

The thought was an odd one. Cass had never been one to whisper the words before tucking me into bed.

I'm more sure of the idea now- you don't send those kinds of letters back and forth with someone you don't love.

But she erased my memories. 

 But....my mother's death couldn't have been easy on her, either. Even in that argument in the kitchen between the two I had flashbacked to so long ago- Cass just wanted to keep me safe. Hadn't she even suggested Charlie take the information to the Order and then go into hiding? I was almost certain she did.

Even if it was the worst way to keep me safe. Like, ever. 

Cass and Charlie were doing the right thing above all else. And here I was, being as selfish and stubborn as ever. Life is short, and full of perils-

How could I not let the people I love into my life after seeing how easily they were taken from it?

To not care had been my promise to myself and to my mother for so many years, to stop something like her death ever happening again. But if she chose love- to love me, to love Cass, to love her husband enough to start avenging his death, then....that promise is all wrong.

Because even through the greatest war the wizarding world had ever faced, my family remained a family.

And I have the audacity to shut the people I love out, when there's no consequences.

But what if there was?

But.... did it matter?

They were going through something much worse than me, and still loved. And I- I just have OWLs and mild trauma. I'm not going through a war, my spouse's death, or my child's life on the line.

How could I possibly dare to not love after these people were in hell and loved me anyway?

People chose to love and trust every day, even though it can have disastrous consequences. So, why can't I? 

A grin spreads across my face. "Scarlet!"