last chapter guyss! a belated merry Christmas my loves and Happy New Year in advance! don't forget, Jesus is the reason for the season <3

and please vote & comment. this is the last chapter. please ooo. i'm replying every comments i haven't replied to once i put up epilogue. so please comment as much as you want to, i'll definitely reply. and vote too <3

060b| Daddy Issues

~H A N N I E L~

"I hate you and Mum so much. You never come for the Parent-Teacher meeting. I didn't see you on Career Day either. You never have time for me, you never have time for me!"

I was a furious six-year-old. With hot tears that welled up in my eyes and my fists angrily balled at my sides, I stared up at my Dad.

"I thought you understood, Hanniel. I'm busy. I have to look over my business and it takes up a lot of time."

"You choose your business over me, it's not fair."

My dad pulled me towards him in a hug. "That's a lie, Hanniel. I'm so sorry... it's just, my business is in a terrible situation. I promise to make more time for you."

He never did.

He never made more time for his own son. I could choose to hate him, but as much as I wanted to, the only thing I could feel was sorrow. My heart clenched tightly, and it felt like I'd been slapped across the face a lot of times by reality.

"Let's settle this, Olivia. I really don't want to argue with you."

I was listening behind closed doors that day, resting my ear on it and eavesdropping like my life depended on it. "You can't keep custody of him. We don't have to make this official–"

"He is my child. It's not like you have time for him!" Mum yelled.

"You don't have time for him either!" Dad equally raised his voice.

That was the moment I turned into a side piece for them. One which they could carry along and drop whenever.

"I hate how he treats me. We don't have to divorce, but he focuses on his business. If I can't be there for Hanniel, he has to be."

Mum really just needed someone to stand in place for her. She wanted Dad to do it. She was selfish.

"I introduced this one because of you. The chocolate drinks were specially made for you."

Rare times when he truly made me happy.

"You're my son. You're strong. Your background doesn't matter. If you're half Australian and half Nigerian, so do away with trying to be perfect, my son. No one is."

He was the only one who always called me out for trying too hard to be okay.

"Your mum, she's a good woman. I know I'll always love her even after we separate. But I'll never admit that to her face. We've done things we can't undo, and I no longer hold a place in her life anymore."

He loved Mum. He truly loved Mum. But they were both so selfish.

"Yes, that. Which design is better, Hanniel?" He showed me his tablet.

I'd sit in his study all day and mess with his collection of books. He was always on some business work, and he'd never pay attention to me. You could imagine the delight I felt when he had asked me that question.

"I'm so sorry you're ashamed of your parents divorcing!"

I couldn't even use my father's surname.

"I know you beat yourself up when your brother died. But it was never your fault."

He was the only one to ever say those words to me. On his sickbed.

I sat on the ground, getting uncomfortable in my kneeling position. I had been staring at his name for hours. And his birth date and death date.

Dad was too young to die.

Who says goodbye to the world at the age of thirty-four?

Mum was the same age, she wasn't dead. Life was just starting for them, wasn't it?

"Your mum and I, we were both eighteen when we conceived you. We faced a lot of backlash from the society. We both got disowned by our parents and your mother even got sent away from her church."

Their story. Or was it my story? The beginning of my life or the beginning of another life for them?

"They thought we wouldn't make it. They called us two stupid teenagers rashly in love. They wanted us to believe it was a mistake. But look at how far we've come. And how grown you are. You should be proud of me, right? Of us."

Of course I was. I just never told him. I was too absorbed in my own pathetic world where I could only seem to hate them for my own sanity. I didn't want to feel like a fool.

"I'm not leaving you. I promise, we'll see each other all the time. But for now, I'll have to go back to Australia for business."

He was divorcing Mum.

I didn't cry when he left at first. I didn't. I pretended everything was fine and okay, and I hid the truth to myself and to everyone.

I'm sorry.

All I ever did was blame him and hate him. I never treasured the good times and the bad ones.

"Han baby, we have to go. It's about to rain." I could almost not recognize Mum's voice. It was thick and hoarse from all the crying. She sniffled and cleared her throat behind me but I paid her no attention.

Who cared if it rained? It could rain from now till whenever, I would sit here and stay with my father.

I had all the time in the world, didn't I? But I wasted it all. I watched as every second passed by, as every moment with Dad flickered away like a vague memory.

"I won't leave you in the rain, Hanniel."

Please do. That's what I want.

"Why would he leave?"

I couldn't say those words. But that was my question.

"Hanniel, you're doing it again. You're blaming yourself for everything. He wouldn't want this." She was crying already. I could tell by the tone in her voice.

"How would you know if he wanted this?" I finally spoke up. "When have you ever known if we wanted anything? You didn't let me stay with him, Mum." My voice broke at the last part. Because of what she looked like. The woman standing in front of me. She looked like a shadow of herself. Weak, empty, and dejected.

"I told you I wanted to stay with him. I begged you. I left only because he agreed. I could have spent his last moments with him."

I didn't spend his last moments with him. I wasn't there when he was saying his good byes. If he had said any. All I got was a phone call and a flight ticket back to Australia.

"You didn't even tell me the cause of his illness."

"He didn't want me to tell you, Hanniel. I know you, you'd have turned it into something so big again. You can't even face the truth about our divorce!"

She didn't know me.

She didn't know me in any way.

The rain dropped in splatters all over my shirt and all over Mum's dress. I didn't wear black like she did. I wore a white shirt and a black tie without a black suit covering it up.

I want him to see me and recognize me.

If he's looking for anybody he knows, his son is waiting.

I was such a coward. At least, Mum was right about that. I was a coward.

I gave up. "You're right."

"Hanniel..." Mum started. "You're all I have now. Please."

I didn't tell her. But she was all I had too.

~

I stared at the little portrait. It was a picture of Dad holding me when I was just a baby. And a bigger one followed. I dropped the first one and picked it up. A picture of him carrying me on his shoulders with Mum standing next to us. I was probably two to three years old in this.

Another portrait of his big hand holding my little hand when I was around twelve.

And then I looked for it. I didn't see it. There was no other portrait that continued the story. All the portraits told a story; Dad being there with me as I grew up.

But there was no one for the present.

I placed the portrait on the table and let it lay down. I looked around the room. Not his room but his study. He was always cooped up in his study as I grew up. I had to sit with him and watch him whenever I wanted to spend time with him.

I didn't know those could become distant memories too.

I stood up and went to his drawer. I had the urge to open it. I was grateful I did.

There was an envelope, but as I picked it up, it turned out to be three. I read the words written on each envelope one after the other.

The first, to my son, Hanniel.

The second, to my wife, Olivia. He called her his wife.

The third, to both Hanniel & Olivia. This one had a little note that said you should read this together.

I took the one meant for me and began to read it.

I expect Olivia to find this first. Maybe because Hanniel is too scared to come into this place. But this letter is for you, Hanniel. It took so much of me to write this, my fingertips are shaking.

It's true. His handwriting was really wobbly in the letter.

I don't know where to start from. But I'll apologise for everything I've done to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to watch you as you grew up. I'm sorry you received little to no fatherly love from me. I'm sorry I got so caught up in business and my rage that I chose to leave you and Olivia without thinking first.

Distance really does affect relationships. You spent most of your years growing up without me. I know it must have been stressful for you. Coming back and forth because we were too selfish and proud to let you make your own decisions, and you didn't want to hurt us.

I have so many regrets. I regret leaving your mother. I regret never being there for you. The little things like the meetings I should have attended for you, the decisions I should have made for you... they weren't so little after all.

I and your mum made a decision to keep the truth of my illness away from you. I should have told you. But we were scared of the way you'd react. You do not want to be flawed. And it's sad, Hanniel. But also my fault. We made you believe things like our divorce, your brother's death were a stain on you.

Your mum told me you hid your surname. And she told me about the girl you like, the daughter of a very famous pastor. She told me about how you got into a fight for her sake. I'm glad you can throw good punches however. They were definitely arseholes. I know my son doesn't fight just like that.

I can't write any longer.

But he kept on writing.

What I'm going through is a crisis. I'm a sickle cell patient, but your mum isn't. You are and your brother was AS, and we lost your brother because of that. It's a miracle how far we've come. If you open the drawer again, you'll see a little packet there. It's an inhaler. I've always wanted to give it to you, but I didn't want you to know since you never really suffered from any asthmatic attack.

And your mum always kept a new mask in your bag too.

She did. And any time I asked her why, she'd say adding illnesses like cough or getting sick from dust should not be added to the list of sicknesses I already had.

But you get sick a lot.

Keep the inhaler. And avoid dusty places. I've always believed you're a special one. A miracle child. That probably explains why you're so close to God too.

You have everything I could ever want in a son. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you wanted in a father.

Do you have tears in your eyes? Did I make you emotional?

I let out a chuckle despite my teary eyes. He kept his humor.

Well, I'm saying the truth. But go ahead and cry, son. I did too.

~

I scrolled through the texts. A bunch of texts I'd left opened without any response. She must hate me by now.

I left her again without any word.

But it wasn't intentional.

On Tuesday, she texted.

Why weren't you in school? Is it because of your dad?

On Wednesday, she texted again.

I'm worried. Are you okay, Hanniel?

She did the same on Thursday.

You hardly come to school again. Can I at least know what's wrong? How's your dad?

And today, I waited for her text.

And she did. She texted.

Hanniel.

I sniffled, struggling a little to type because of the tear that fell unto the screen.

He's gone.

I placed my phone beside me, remembering his words from earlier.

Hope he knew.

I cried today.

a/n: the last chapter for COG. Tears are in my eyes. Idk if it's because the book has ended or because of what Hanniel went through in this chapter.

omo, i have a whole lot to say about this book. I know a lot of you probably expected a perfect, happy ending but I can only tell you that there was no way I could have given them a perfect ending. We're all human, and we can't control what happens to us. We make choices, but whatever gets to happen will happen.

hanniel and komisola have such a unique relationship. they were there to make each other better. to improve each other and that's what they did. they made life more bearable for the other. but it doesn't mean hanniel was there to stop everything Komisola was going through. and the same is for Komisola.

from Komisola's phobia which Hanniel helped her get over, to Hanniel's facade which Komisola broke. from making him see that there was no way to be perfect, to making Komisola see the happiness in little things.

that's what this book entails; the clouds of grey. not everything is always black or white. sometimes it's between good or bad. but we live either ways.

and i listened to daddy issues on repeat while writing this chapter. the part of the song that relates to hanniel is what i put up in the media. i'm going to make another playlist for both of them.

and there's the pin i've kept in my gallery of two cats, both facing each other, one fully black and one fully white, it reminded sm of Hanniel and Komisola. ofc we know who the black one and who the white one is.

thank you however for sticking with me from chapter one to chapter sixty. or from prologue to epilogue(coming right after). i know my writing may have cringed you out one or two times. or more than that.

i won't write my final appreciation in this long ass author's note. it'll probably an update on its own or an author's note when I release the epilogue.

this is the final chapter of CLOUDS OF GREY, everyone. thank you.🫶🏾