008| STUPID, FUCKED UP EMOTIONS

~K O M I S O L A~

The day was over.

I probably should become a boarder because I was avoiding home so badly.

I put on my nose mask and covered my head with my hoodie.

Father should have sent the driver by now.

He should have.

Why hadn't he?

"Komisola!"

Someone yelled, shouted my name with so much enthusiasm that curiosity was actually pulled out of me.

I turned around, wanting to see who had just yelled my name.

But it had happened so fast.

I had no idea what a stone was doing on the ground. I was so deep in thought that I had passed over it while walking.

But definitely not when I turned around.

I lost my balance and began falling forward, the wind doing nothing to support me and I blamed my misfortune instantly on these clouds.

But then, someone caught me.

He caught me.

Stopped me from falling flat on my face.

And the infamous grin he always had on his face was replaced with a look of concern.

"Are you okay?"

He asked, still holding my arms.

We were so close to each other.

So close.

His breath was hot on my face, fanning across it and I was sure mine was doing the same.

His hazel eyes gazed into mine, exposing every detail of me.

I felt like a microorganism under a microscope.

I didn't know what to feel...

Until the familiar paranoia shot through me again. As soon as I realized he was holding me.

He was holding me.

Studying me.

Looking at me.

Our faces just inches apart.

I moved back. Literally, jumped.

Snatched myself from his hold.

I almost forgot how to breathe.

My chest tightened. The air was getting hot even though the weather was cold. My head was heavy. My heart was pounding through my tight chest.

And I felt like crying.

Because the memories were coming back.

How my brother used to hold me, force me to do things I didn't want to do, how he'd touch me in all parts of my body...

"Komi, are you okay?"

Hanniel asked again, shook me like I was a lifeless body and oxygen got knocked out of me.

I forgot how to breathe.

I did.

I opened my mouth, desperately sucking for air and brought my hand to my chest.

It was so painful.

I fell to my knees, feeling bile rise up my throat. At the same time, hot tears spilling out from the corners of my eyes.

"Hey, look at me. Hey, hey." Hanniel was still holding me. I was too weak to push his hands off of me.

"Breathe in, breathe out. Take it slowly. You'll be fine." He instructed, eyes glazing with worry.

I did as he said. More reluctantly than ever but anything to not be suffocated.

I was having a panic attack.

Again.

I shrugged off my backpack weakly and unzipped it, bringing out my medication and downing a harmful overdose.

"Shit, is that safe?" Hanniel cussed.

The driver arrived.

I wasn't even sure what timing it was.

But it was an impassive timing.

I removed Hanniel's hands from my arms and managed to stand. I didn't look at him.

Which was probably the most ungrateful thing to do but I couldn't.

In all honesty.

And so I walked off, leaving Hanniel without looking back.

꧁꧂

~H A N N I E L~

I watched her have a panic attack.

Because I touched her.

Because I touched her.

Because I touched her.

I watched her have a panic attack. When I called her name.

She wasn't able to breathe. She was crying.

She couldn't even stand on her own.

"Hanniel, baby, are you okay?" Mum walked into the kitchen. I shook my head to collect my thoughts.

"Uh, yeah." I nodded and stared at the coffee in front of me, already running cold on the kitchen island.

Mum took a swig of her fruit juice, "Your Dad sent his regards, he'll be here on Sunday." She told me and I stilled.

"Why is he coming back?" The words spilled out of my mouth coldly.

Mum turned to face me, looked at me with confusion. "You don't look fine. Are you okay, honey?"

I saw what she did.

"Why is he coming back?" I asked again.

"He's your dad, Han." Mum said. "He still loves you. Yes, I admit that things weren't working out for us at the time. But, for you, we're trying to be strong here."

I was supposed to be happy.

But why did I feel betrayed?

"It's not a game." I stood up. "You two can't just keep playing however you want!"

There.

Stupid, fucked up emotions.

In this moment.

Fucked up.

I hated having this conversation with my mum.

Or my dad.

"No, Han-" Mum took a step closer.

I looked away.

We all had problems.

Problematic problems.

These were mine.

Dealing with insecurity and paranoia.

Running away from reality, like a coward.

Like a fucking coward.

On the exterior, I had a perfect life. Like the one in books, movies.

But inside, my cowardliness was eating me up.

~Epilogue/special bonus/~

It was raining again.

His favorite weather.

His mother was out on a trip, his father probably enjoying himself somewhere since he had split with his mother.

He closed his eyes, letting the rain pour all over him.

The weather was harsh, cold yet gentle.

It was freezing, numbing yet peaceful.

He spread his arms widely in the air, his tears a contrast to the feeling of the rain on his cheeks.

"Life." He smiled. "This is your life, Hanniel. Just you. No one else."

"Just you."

~

our baby hanniel :(
btw, don't forget this moment bc our boy hanniel is literally all sunshine. he's hardly ever about his insecurities all in his head soo...
and komisola had a panic attack.
what do you think caused it?