Snowdrop;; RainWing/IceWing OC
Submitted by wingsoffirelover06!
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------ Name: Snowdrop.
A bit common, but a plausible name all the same.
------ Age: 2 in dragon years at the beginning and 8 in the end.
Boi.
------ Gender: Female.
Alright.
------ Sexuality: Straight.
Okay.
------ Tribe: RainWing IceWing hybrid.
This is fine, but please remember how unlikely this combination is in Pyrrhia. IceWings hate the other tribes - especially RainWings. They look down on them. It would take a small miracle and possibly several years' effort for an IceWing to regard a RainWing even as a friend - let alone a lover.
------ Abilities: She has her father's sharp claws. She has a mix of venom and frost breath. It melts a dragon.
A mix of venom and frost, you say? Does it come out of her fangs or her throat? I would've thought the two would cancel each other out in a hybrid.
------ Relationship Status: Single.
I wouldn't date a hybrid either.
------ Occupation: Soldier (previously) and Talons of Peace (currently).
Cool.
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PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION;;
------ Scale Color: Her scales can change color, but only to different hues and shades of blue.
Sigh. So does she have more RainWing scales or more IceWing scales? Does she control the colour changing?
------ Eye Color: Her eyes are green like a RainWing's with specks of sky blue.
Good.
------ Build: She is a somewhat muscular character.
Woah, didn't see that one coming. Good job.
------ Height: Her height is normal for her age group.
Not extra tall or extra short? NICE!
------ OND: She has a thinner tail than a RainWing's but not as thin as an IceWing.
Makes sense. I like that you included this extra detail.
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PERSONALITY;;
------ Strengths: She is well-trained and is a somewhat skilled fighter.
Not sure how combat comes into her personality, but at least she's not an apex all-time super incredible warrior. Who trained her?
------ Weakness: She is mentally fragile. Small events can change her. Sometimes she is too trustworthy, as shown when she tells Current her secrets.
This is an excellent flaw, and I like that you've exploited it in your story.
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BACKSTORY;;
She was born 6 years before the Brightest Night. Her father was an IceWing in the Talons of Peace. Her mother was part of a RainWing Society who works with Burn.
Since when did RainWings work with Burn? I would've thought they'd be scared of her. Also, isn't Burn meant to be dangerous and malevolent? I'd think she'd want to wipe out the RainWings or keep them in her weirdling tower before considering an alliance. Of course, this is your story universe, so whatever goes goes.
Snowdrop grows up with her mother.
Hang on. How did her parents even meet? Last I heard, the Talons of Peace weren't all that friendly with Burn. How would an IceWing Talon of Peace and a RainWing ally of Burn meet and actually... well, not kill each other?
She is odd, but is treated the same as everyone else because she has proven to be a good fighter.
Good. Hybrids would be odd. Must've been a challenge for her to prove herself.
She meets a SeaWing named Current. They share secrets.
Ooo, what secrets? Where's Current from?
The next day, during Burn's visit, the secret town is attacked by Blister's forces. Snowdrop is then sentenced to death for telling Current.
Oh, that kind of secret. That's pretty sneaky of Current.
She and her mother escape only to be caught by a SandWing working for Blister.
Alright, this seems fair.
When the SandWing kills her mother, Snowdrop finds out the she has venom ice.
Hold on, what?
Why does the SandWing kill her mother? Surely she'd be valuable as a prisoner, given how much she potentially knows about Burn? If the SandWing wanted to scare the prisoners into silence by killing one, it'd make sense to kill Snowdrop, the dragonet, or threaten her to force her mother to comply. Unless her mother was an exceptionally rowdy prisoner, this just sounds like you're trying to add some Angst™ to the story.
And why does she only discover her venom ice here? Surely she'd have developed it naturally from a young age, the way any regular dragonet would grow their fire and ice and venom. Powers manifesting in the time of greatest need is a cliche. A really. Bad. Cliche.
She escapes and finds the Talons at Jade Mountain using her mother's instructions. There she meets her father, Hvitur.
Oh. No details about her escape? Her emotional turmoil after losing her mother? Possible pursuits by Blister's soldiers? I'm sure they wouldn't just let a prisoner go without a fight.
On another note, what instructions? Are you telling me her mother just casually whispered, "Go to Jade Mountain," while dying? Surely the guard would have overheard, or separated them. Why did her mother even know the Talons would be at Jade Mountain? Was that their backup plan, perhaps?
I'd be complaining that she's related to a canon character, but Hvitur's a very minor deuteragonist. It's not as if you've made her Winter's daughter or something crazy like that.
I forgot to add that my character has a scavenger axe and an icicle necklace given to her by her dying mother. It was to show to her father that she wasn't lying when she met him.
Okay, I like that. It's a nice touch - I've never come across a Pyrrhian dragon having a scavenger-sized object (of course, remember that most scavengers stand at the height of a dragon's ankle or mid-leg joint, so a dragon holding a scavenger axe would be like a human holding a Barbie doll's hairbrush. I hope you don't expect her to use that as a weapon).
My character may be a bit of a Mary Sue.
A little. But you're aware, so it's okay.
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COMMENTS;;
------ The good...
Snowdrop's personality is pretty good - it's simple, but balanced, which is always a plus. I also liked her description; it's more detailed than some parts and fits her heritage well. I also like how in-depth her story is as a whole; you seem to have a very clear idea of how it's going to unfold for her. I wish you luck in writing her story!
------ The bad...
I'm sorry to say this, but her backstory/story is a cliche, and a pretty big one. It was predictable and in some parts unexplained. For good measure, I'll summarise it:
Protagonist lives a normal life. Then one day, Evil™ comes and kills/takes away their parent! Protagonist must obey the last will of their parents and escape from Evil™ to the Safe Place™.
What does that sound like? Everything. This is the plot of Eragon, parts of The Hunger Games, Dumbo, Harry Potter, The Lion King, Frozen, the first Star Wars trilogy, and many more. The loss of the parent is rarely ever portrayed as the significant event it really would be; losing a parent, even from a young age, is a traumatic experience, and often affects the individual for years following that. Having her just lose her mother and then continue her story is a pretty callous thing to do. Especially when you've said that she's "mentally fragile" and that "small events can change her". If small things can affect her, wouldn't the loss of her mother impact her pretty significantly?
Also, the discovery of her powers in this dramatic moment is a) unrealistic and b) an even bigger cliche. It's pointless to the plot, too, since it clearly didn't help her mother.
The logic of the SandWing who killed her mother in the first place is also pretty questionable. If they captured her, it would logically mean they wanted to take her somewhere; most likely, to Blister, for interrogation about Burn. Which makes killing her stupid, since it'd mean the entire capture was for nothing. If they wanted to make her cooperate, they'd be more likely to threaten Snowdrop, since usually a mother will do most anything to protect her child.
------ How you can improve!
Look, the main thing here is the backstory. Currently it's over-dramatic and cliched. If this is the the plot of her book, you have a bit of a problem. Depending how far you are into the story, I'd recommend restarting or editing. Majorly, majorly editing.
For a start, think about that SandWing who captured them. What was their aim? Why did they kill her mother? You need to establish why they caught them in the first place, because this affects their later actions. If they took them for interrogation purposes, they definitely wouldn't have killed one of them - unless they're that kind of impulsive dragon, in which case you need to mention it. I'd even consider rewriting the scene from the SandWing's point of view, just so you can figure out all those details.
You should also get rid of her discovering her powers when her mother dies. Scrap it. Kiss it goodbye and throw it out the window. I never want to see it again. It's completely pointless, and highly unlikely, since she'd probably have discovered it before as she physically matured.
On another note, if she's mentally fragile, you should probably have her mother's death affect her to some degree (if you're going to keep it; I wouldn't). Losing a parent is about as big as you can get with significant events. Now, before you rush eagerly into the angst pit, remember that her being affected should not take place in the form of mushy crying. There's a big difference between emotional scarring and a chapter of crying and being mollycoddled by the other characters. You need to make her pain consistent and use it as a method of making her worse as an individual, not better or more attractive.
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OVERALL RATING;; 5/10.
Sorry if I sound harsh. You can definitely improve this character, and I have full confidence that you will over time.
Thanks for submitting, and thanks to everyone for being so patient with my reviews. I don't want to close this book - I know how disappointing it is seeing things close and never open, so I'll try to have some level of activity. Even though I have a giant queue of OCs waiting.
- Siri Mom.
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