Written by: Cosmicaxel

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Please tell us your story

As we grow older, we learn not only how to separate right from wrong, but how to make sense of those situations. When I first started having anxiety attacks freshman year of college, it followed my first relationship and broke up. Nearly eight years later, my friend referred to my anxiety attacks after that break drug-induced PTSD. I didn't understand at first what he meant, but as we talked about it more, it made sense. My first boyfriend slipped what he probably thought was ecstasy into my tea, but was perhaps powder Meth from my symptoms: crying, shaking, throwing up uncontrollably, hot, and cold at the same time. I should've gone to the ER, but my boyfriend at the time thought I would get over it and proceeded to have sex with me. We broke up a week or two later The anxiety attack and the inability to sleep longer than 3 hours started afterward. A professor suggested student counseling, and I wasn't going to go. Like other situations in my life from being burned or touched inappropriately by uncles who were strangers to me as a child until I figured out were related. I just hoped distractions would help me forget.

Forgetting isn't an option when you have PTSD. I learned the hard way. Breaking down and crying more often than I ever remember myself doing even when I broke my leg in the military and reset it myself. Even today there are nightmares, I don't remember having, but my roommate has come into my room to wake me up from them.

My first boyfriend would send me rape fantasy emails and suicide letters if I didn't answer or get back with him. It wasn't the end of my experiences though I wish it were. I was assaulted on a friend's couch by one of the girl's boyfriend after being exhausted from work and my anxiety meds.

When I thought it was all behind me and married the man of my dreams. Suddenly, it was my PTSD that was causing our marital issues, when I was nearly normal. No nightmares. My anxiety attacked were rare, and I didn't need meds anymore. He started to spend money and blame me for bills going unpaid. He would demand my paychecks, tell me I couldn't talk to my friends anymore because it got in the way of our time. He started snatching things out of my hands and throwing them across the room if he thought I was ignoring him. Checking my social media, having all my passwords and changing them, accusing me of cheating when I went to school or work. The list can go on and on. He made it, so I had nowhere to go. I even believe at one point he twisted my parents into thinking he was right about everything. It was isolating and killing me from the inside.

My 'friends' disappeared, but a few were still there. They reached out and helped me get out even if it was just in a chat room online or meeting me in the school cafeteria. I slowly regained my sense of self to leave. The question I get a lot after living in a DV shelter while my divorce was being finalized and running halfway across the country was: didn't you see the signs?

No. You don't, or you don't want to. You want to be normal again, show the world and yourself you are better. This false narrative you created for yourself could either kill you from the inside or out. It started to kill me to the point of suicidal thoughts. Then when his abuse turned physical, it was the last bit of control he could take from me, the ability to end my suffering. I couldn't let him have that. I turned it into wanting to prove him wrong and live to become the happiest version of me I could be.

I can't say I have yet, but I started to become stronger and a better version of me than I ever was. PTSD doesn't let you forget, but I learned to live with the internal warnings. 

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What do you want others to learn from your story? *

You learn about yourself from your experiences no matter how traumatic. I discovered I have to initiate intimacy first or I won't be comfortable. I prefer being straightforward with nearly everything in my life because I hate hiding and been lied to more than I can ever imagine. Life is complicated, terrifying, painful, impossible, beautiful and boundless. As cliche as it sounds, it is how you make it. Don't be afraid to reach out; you are never a burden. If someone expresses that, they are not worth what time we have on this earth either. Happiness and freedom are inside of you. Don't let anyone kill that.