Written by  MissFantasyy (tagged in the comments because Wattpad is being silly)

OVERALL: 📗43/50 Immersion Success!! Woot!!

The nice thing about this score is that I am confident you can boost it up with no issue. There was nothing wrong with the story itself, and the characters were very well-crafted. I think this could be a really fun read for YA readers. There are just minor errors in the story that are very "first draft" errors, usually only spotted by an outside reader (That's why beta readers, critiques and reviews are so important!). Which means once corrected, this can have a seriously solid start to what seems like a fun, engaging, and impactful story! It's already immersive, and it's not even in the final stages yet! That's a great sign.

BONUS POINTS: Cover, Title, and Synopsis. Here, you can get additional points for nailing one or all of these down. They are bonus points because it's small things like this that make a story linger, but are not essential for immersion.

Cover: +1

Everything here works for me. I really like the fire, I like the bold white letters, and I love the wolf. It has a serious tone, but it doesn't seem overly dark. It takes a lot for me to pick up a book (I'm such a book shopper with my eyes at a store), but I think this cover would make me glance at it a few times, and then I'd go pick it up to read the synopsis.

Summary: +1

It fits the cover really well. I didn't like the "Why?" part, however, as that felt too impersonal, but so far I am getting a Young Adult vibe from the book. I have to say I love this synopsis a lot more than your previous one! Fantastic job at updating it! The synopsis is very interesting and seems like it has a lot of external drama that should make for a great read.

So far I am expecting this to read like a Young Adult, maybe New Adult with romance and a lot of adventures.

Title: +1

I like that I get a YA feel from this and can immediately assume it's something with wolves - either werewolves, or a pet, or something. I think that sets the tone really well.

ONTO THE STORY!

Prologue: -1

1 Point Taken For: This is not really a prologue and more like filling the reader in about the world, which robs the reader of discovering this stuff as they go. Imagine if J.K. Rowling started off with a prologue going over Hogwarts, how witches and wizards work, what muggles were, and how at 11 every witch/wizard gets an invitation. It would completely ruin the surprise and fun.

Now, I do find the actual information to be quite interesting! But it's mostly a fancy infodump. It ruins the immersion for me, because I got just told all the information that would have been otherwise incredibly fun to learn as I go.

I'd actually recommend removing the information here and replacing it with the flashback in chapter 1.

Chapter 1: TOTAL -3

1 Point Taken For: (The flashback infodump.) I'll be honest and say that I found myself skipping through the flashback, but because I am reviewing it, I had to go back and read. Now, that's not because the information was boring, but I had just been introduced to Alicia and these strange boys, and now I have to dive head first into council with Jocelyn and Julian and we are only a third into this chapter. It's just too much. If I picked this up at a bookstore, I would have skipped straight over it to read more about the characters to see if I liked them enough to continue, then if I liked the next few chapters, I'd go back and read it. However, it's a well-written scene, so I'd recommend putting it in the prologue. The scene itself is not an info dump scene, but the way it was literally thrown into the middle of a scene made it an infodump. It'd be like if the first chapter of Harry Potter was Harry living at his aunt and uncles, and then during breakfast, we had a flashback to Dumbledore dropping Harry off, and then went right back to Dudley picking on Harry. Both scenes are fun, but they are separated by chapters for a reason.

1 Point Taken For: I had to re-read to see where the setting was. At first, I thought we were outside, based on the wind. But then she says she has to leave the classroom. I'd say you need to spend a few more sentences developing the scene in the beginning. The only thing I grasped was a schoolyard and a stone table.

1 Point Taken For: Way too many people are introduced and mentioned. First chapters are introductions. They can be long, but they need to be succinct. I think removing the flashback would help a lot. Right now my mind is all over the place when I really want to focus on the fun parts of the story. Readers need reasons to read past the first chapter, so just dropping a few nuggets is important to make them wonder about what all of the other nuggets are like, versus just giving them the nuggets. Wonder is what makes a page-turner, and you have the story/plot to make people wonder. So let our minds wonder away about your world! :)

I'd say focus on the strange boys, and that Alicia found her mate, as the primary focus of the first chapter. Its interesting enough that it makes me ask questions, just by that alone!

THE POSITIVES: Right away, I see that the writing is pretty good. It's very sophisticated and that's very promising. I can feel the breeze of the setting, and I am happy to see that I am slowly introduced to where we are at. I really wanted more description and sensory details, as when you write them, you're really good at it.

I also love the way you have updated the story. If I recall, you mentioned previously that she could hear because of her werewolf hearing, but here it's not there anymore. *Claps* *Claps again* So many writers never take criticism or feedback well, they get angry, and unpublish their story rather than work on it. The fact that you are working on it as you go, and that the improvements are stellar, makes me so excited to see where you take this story.

Also, I LOVED the twist it took with Alicia finding her mate and not Catherine, and it was a hook the first time that I read it too. It went from me reading two entirely different plot points (flashback and the present) to Alicia finding her promised, not her mate. That was such a fun detail more unique to your story.

I also really like it so far seems to fit the YA theme I thought it would be. That's huge. That tells me you have put together an actual package, and not just random thoughts.

Chapter 2: No points taken!

I think it was a good chapter to get to know the family dynamic. Your writing is really fit for YA too.

THE POSITIVES: As previously stated, I love the darker twist it took with the murder. I really like that we got to see the bond between all of them. For a YA crowd, this is perfect. I also found it really easy to care for the characters.So great job! If I had any recommendations, it would be to maybe to make some of the scenes more succinct? Like condense some of them, but that's up to you at this point. I am just throwing something out there if you wanted something to work on. The more concise, the better. It's one of the biggest struggles for a lot of authors. I know I go through it too!

Chapter 3: -1

1 Point Taken For: Catherine explaining how she knew it was decomposed was way too "Tell" versus "Show" for me, and it was enough that made me stop and took me out of the moment. The issue with first-person is you can't spell things out for readers. In third-person, the narrator can easily say, "Based on the coloring and smell, it was clear this was a fresh body. Catherine was well aware of this..."

It was this line that took me out, "It's been dead for a few hours, I observe, judging by the skin coloration and the lack of decomposition smell."

You recovered and did a fantastic job just a few lines below that of having Emmet explain it via dialogue, not through internal monologue. In first-person, this is a common mistake. First-person usually should not have the MC narrator explain things as facts, like reading out of a textbook. No one truly thinks that way. If you had just left it at "I observe." Then I wouldn't have even thought twice about it, especially since Emmet clarified it. I would have just trusted that Catherine knew these things. I think it's the mention of the "skin coloration" and "decomposition smell". Most would say it doesn't stink like rotting flesh, and mention that the body still looked fresh.

OR, you can write that she realizes there is no smell other than blood. "Once I take in the sight, I realize the only thing I smell is blood. The flesh isn't even bloating yet." That reads less "tell-y" and more "show". Essentially, when you write well (which you do), and you have moments of pure, factual telling (as in spout off facts rather than observations), it's very jarring for a reader.

THE POSITIVES: I really got a good sense of what Catherine was feeling and I think you did a great job at explaining why she was so shaken up. I also really loved the line of the sun no longer illuminating this part of the world, and moving on to give light to another. Great line!! I also liked how the mother was thought of as not so worried about the children, and this was shown and supported by her thinking it was the vampires that did this and walking away, focusing on that. Great example of your ability to show, not tell. I also liked that we got to see her experience with the "human", to reaffirm that she is indeed having issues with him. So far your ability to capture characters is splendid.

Chapter 4: -2

2 Points Taken For: White Room syndrome. This is basically when a conversation happens and the reader pictures the people existing in a white room. From the time that she arrived to Alicia's (after the blue of the house) to when they are back in her home. Even then, I barely picture the home, but the few cues of the coffee table and the arm chair helped. This chapter had a lot of great scenes and I loved the dialogue, but I think to really pull me in I need to see more of the descriptions that you sometimes add that show you are capable of doing it. Describe the softness of the pillow, the smell of Alicia's room, if it is dim from one light in the corner, when walking home is it cold outside or a nice summer night, what does it smell like? What do the homes look like inside? Nothing too detailed, but I know you can clearly do it, with the way you describe the outside of the home (I can still see it!) This chapter was mostly dialogue, with a little telling of what's happening, so we can see the environment does changes, but we aren't shown how it changes.

THE POSITIVES: I really like that her nickname is Feels. I think it does a good job to show that her power is real, that people notice it, etc. I also really like that she is still so shaken up that she can't speak to Alicia for a time, but seems desperate to get that information out. That "shows" us her ability. That's very realistic and solidifies what happened. I felt like is was there with her in that regard. That's a really good way to keep a reader immersed. Consequences allow the reader to feel like the world is real, and the consequence of this death still affecting her makes me feel for her.

I also LOVED the interaction with her and her mother. It's so contrasting to the rest of the characters, and that is huge when writing an immersive story. It just felt so real. I also enjoyed that you "showed" us a lot about her powers versus telling them to us. That was great!

You also did a fantastic job at describing her emotions, and the fact that you can do that tells me if you spent more time on sensory details, your chapters would be rock solid. I also love that we got to learn more about her powers. I feel like I am starting to get to know her now.

RECOMMENDATION: I find it weird that Alicia and everyone is calling her Feels here, but there is no mention of that in the first chapter. It comes off as Alicia remembering this was her nickname.

Chapter 5: No Points Taken!

I really like that you explained the mates. I personally cannot stand how so many stories portray the mate thing, as it's something I like and never executed right. The fact that you are actually trying to give some background is what helps make them so less cliché, and ultimately helps with immersion. Your take on it is really refreshing and makes me want to keep reading. It feels thought out, and that makes me excited.

I also liked that Catherine thought of the goddess' emotions. Another great touch of reality that cements who her character is!

I also thought it was fun that we got to see her using her powers to control other emotions as well! I also really like that it's something that takes a lot of energy for her, rather than a flick of the wrist. It's just more believable to me that way.

Chapter 6: -2

1 Point Taken For: You are skipping around a lot and not really telling us when. Right after she jumps off of the bench to walk with Alicia, the next paragraph is her getting out of bed and eating breakfast. At first, I had to re-read it to realize you just didn't transition us properly. I didn't take a point off for that, as that could be fixed with a little icon, but I did take off for the few paragraphs down, going over her casually mentioning it was actually a few weeks later. Information like this has to be given somewhere more clear. It'd be as if in Harry Potter, after a day of potions, he wakes up the next morning and mentions already losing two Quidditch matches in the last few weeks. That's a simple fix though. Just put the little star things (I like those) you put above the paragraph of her waking up, and then make sure to mention, in that paragraph, that it's two weeks later. I hope that makes sense.

1 Point Taken For: The paragraph where she describes the seasons with leaves felt really odd and like I was being explained about how seasons work. It was another moment of pure fact giving, rather than telling us via story or showing us. "In the summer the leaves of the trees are dry. In the winter there are none and in spring the leaves flourish and all the flowers blossom," was the sentence I reference. It had no context, and felt like a textbook since this wasn't in a dialogue. It was just how she described the world to the reader. I couldn't really figure out what this was supposed to do for the story, other than reinforcing that in fall the leaves are orange? The rest of the paragraph is fantastic, so this random factoid threw me so far out that I had to re-read it a few times to see if I was missing anything.

THE POSITIVES: You did a great job at making the conversation incredibly relevant, dealing with the conundrum of mates. Being that your synopsis mentioned her finding hers, I like that this is building up that tension between now and finding him. You do a fantastic job at conveying the way characters are feeling! That was one of my favorite moments so far.

You also seem to be exploring more with describing the surroundings, and you're actually quite good at it! I would love to see more of that throughout the story. Maybe less in chunks, and more spread out so I am always having a picture painted.

I also really loved how you took the time to explain why they live separately from the humans. I Also found that I really appreciated the line about Alicia thinking he was just in a mood, but Catherine knew better because this is literally her specialty, haha. That was great. You have some really clear moments that demonstrate you have the capacity to write well, thought-out characters and scenes. I really love when I get to see that!

I like that Dante is wanting to know more, rather than just living in lala land about everything. And I also liked that Catherine showed him what's up. It definitely points to some fun drama for the next chapter!

END OF THE CHAPTER ANALYSIS

Plot: No Points Taken! It seems like a consistent plot that you've thought out, and there were a few moments where you reinforced their world, her abilities, etc. It seems solid to me, honestly, with rules and everything. It's so refreshing to see a werewolf story that actually has been thought out, with a council that seems to matter, rules on the mating, etc. Huge, fake bonus points for that.

Characters: No Points Taken! If I gave out more fake bonus points, you'd get a ton here. This is where your story shines the brightest, I think. Your characters have their own personality, and you do a great job to show they don't always have the same emotion. I actually feel like I have met them, and that's usually the hardest part to writing.

Setting: -1 It wasn't until the last chapter that I really felt like a true painting was painted in my head. Chapter 4 was the worst version of white room, but all of them except 6 were pretty blank in terms of setting. Chapter 6 did a fantastic job though! I can still see the neighborhood, the way fall is on them, the old school, and the sound of the locker slamming when Dante was slammed into it.

I'd say you should spend some time in all the previous chapters just adding some lines that include out sensory details: Sight (the small things like the leaves, the caution sign of a wet floor in the school, the pile of clothes in her room [or just mention that her clothes are starting to pile up and laundry needs to be done soon. It doesn't have to be this, but these are random details that really orient a reader. So pick a random detail suited for her. Usually, chapters just need two or three of these moments, not much]) | Sound | Smell | Taste | Touch

Style: No Points Taken! It's very YA, and that's great considering the cover, title, and synopsis are very YA, so I love that it all flows together well.

My Overall Takeaway:

Honestly, it just needs tidying up! Everything else is great. It's an actual thought-out werewolf story, everyone! Woohoo! The story just needs a lot more sensory details sprinkled throughout to really immerse me in. That was the biggest thing missing, in my opinion.

There are moments when I can tell you really got inspired by writing and spent time with your prose and descriptions, and those moments really impressed me. Because of that, I am excited to see what a final version of this story looks like! So far, the plot is building and it seems like it will turn into something fun and exciting with a lot of mystery and character growth!

Great job overall, and I really hope this review helps. I am very confident that when you finish this story it will be a really great addition to the werewolf genre. I am excited to see where this story goes, when Catherine meets her mate, and what kind of dark forces are in their world!