FIRST: Holy balls, I am late to this one. But I am committed, and even though it's months later, I wanted to honor the commitment! I ended up taking on a huge load of duties, and unexpected health issues (damn you body for getting older!) made everything I took on  becoming something that was more than I could chew.

Jaeden, thanks for your patience. Because of that, this chapter is almost 10k words and I really wanted to focus on a thorough review that, to the best of my ability, can best help your book.

Linked

Written by JaedenM

OVERALL: 📕39.5/50 Zoning Immersion.

So, the score is lower than I would have liked to give - BUT DON'T LET IT FOOL YOU. I am adding this story to reading list so I can eventually check back up on it because the plot twist is so much fun that I have to see what happens.

The idea of this book is lovely and the book has some amazing bones to work with. I think it just fell into the trap of being a first draft, and there were some areas of inconsistency, fluff, and had a slow start. BUT that's not because it's a bad story, or bad writing. It's just what happens often when we write the first version of a story, or even the second version. The actual plot itself is super fun, the main characters are interesting, and I think this is a book to look out for when it's all said and done.

Also, the twist on the Link that combines Diane and another character has a beautiful plot twist that tells me this story might turn out to be something quite amazing! It's rare that I am pleasantly surprise, and Jaeden really delivered!

BONUS POINTS: Cover, Title, and Synopsis. Here, you can get additional points for nailing one or all of these down. They are bonus points because it's small things like this that make a story stronger, but are not essential for immersion.

Cover: +1  (51)

I almost took this point away because the line "How would it feel like to be linked?" isn't correct. It should either be "How would it feel to be linked?" OR "What would it feel like to be linked?" But I figured I didn't need to be mean when it came to those details 😆 Outside of that, I do like the line. It helps give an idea of what might be in the story. I also like the colors - the black and white with the random yellow/orange. Because she is holding the candle to herself in a mirror, it really personifies the "link"aspect.

Summary: +.5 (51.5)

Same issue with the "How would if feel like..." that's not grammatically correct. Should either be "How would it feel..." or "What would it feel like..."

There are other grammar issues with it that would probably make me not read the story, which is where the 1/2 point got taken off. Such as the second question not having a question mark. Also, "What if you get dragged with them, because you can't resist the attraction?" should be "...because you couldn't resist..."

HOWEVER, I do love the essence of the summary. Usually rhetorical questions don't do very well in summaries, but they work very well here. I think it does a good job to really set up the tone of the story. It shows there is a link that stirs a deep connection, but that this particular link in the story will also prove to be a challenge, since one of them is probably going to do something wrong/bad. I love that idea! So because of that, I only took half a point from this.

The concept of the Link is really fascinating and I would love to see this story edited because I love the dynamic present here!

Title: +1 (52.5)

Not much to say here, other than I think it was a smart choice, given the nature of the novel. Works for me!

ONTO THE STORY! (Starting with +2.5 points!)

OVERALL: -3

2 Points Taken For: The writing can be a bit "telly".

It ruined some of the immersion, as when information is stated plainly to us, it kind of keeps us at arm's length.

EXAMPLE: "...somewhat secluded area away from the speaker, which meant the music was a lot lower." You don't need that bolded part at all, as it is already implied. When you repeat an implication it sort of ruins the immersion.

EXAMPLE: "Upon hearing his fighter name spoken by one of his superiors, he immediately straightened." That is very 'telly' too. A way to smooth that out is, "His fighter being called out straightened his spine up. He knew who she was before seeing her..." and then add that she is his superior somewhere in the conversation or dialogue tags. Him immediately straightening shows us that this person is somewhat important, and doesn't need to be stated.

EXAMPLE: "We made our way towards each other, and he handed me a cup of steaming black coffee. It was our ritual. We would take turns every day bringing coffee for the other. Today was his turn." There is a lot of redundancy in here and a lot of telling. The part that really felt robotic and telling to me was the last sentence, as that was rather obvious. A way to trim this would be "We made our way towards each other, and he handed me a cup of steaming black coffee, as today was his turn." That right there implies that it is a ritual and that today was his turn. 

To expand on that, the writing will often just "tell"us what Diane is feeling, and rarely shows us who Diane really is. We are just told that she is panicking, when she never shows it. We are told about the daily routines she goes through, which can really slow the pace of the setting. The story did have strong moments of showing, but the places where it was "telling" really hindered the story because they were moments that should have been "show." I will point those out more directly in the review below.

1 Point Taken For: The random voices in italics that Diane never seems to mention, recognize, or panic over. I am pretty sure you are showing us that Shana either had her hypnosis work, or it unlocked something on accident. As it stands, this is waaayy more confusing than clear. Just because I was able to understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't need work. Diane really needs more clear mentioning of either zoning out, or of her panicking over hearing something. Like "I felt it again. That sense of numbness, of not being aware. "It's done," I said..." Right now, there are zero "tells" to ground the reader in realizing that something is happening. It just sort of happens, and then moves on.

As the story progressed, and the visions became worse, Diane continued to be only mildly bothered by them, and by the next paragraph, acted as if they never happened. This hurts immersion, because we never really get a chance to get immersed in what it's like to be in her shoes.

I also want to mention that it's important to focus on her panic, because it helps immerse us in those moments, and it also heightens the tension. She should, at the very least, show some nerves for it.

PROLOGUE: TOTAL -2  

1 Point Taken For: (Slow start). It is not a very engaging start. We spend three paragraphs going over her walk home, while not really learning anything. We don't get to see the world through her eyes. We just see observations. I would have loved to have seen something like, "Diane stared at the polished stone, kneeling to place her hand on the cold rock. "Hi Brian," she said, her voice echoing in the cemetery..." That's where I pulled in! Once I got there, I literally forgot about everything that happened prior. It was just noise that was preventing us from getting to the real start of the story.

1 Point Taken For: (Excess Comma Use). It crossed the line of happening occasionally, to making some of the story hard to read because it kept breaking up. Some of the sentence structures were also not correct, such as "...to find a house full of fights and tensions and problems." That is a time where you want commas, "...of fights, tension, and problems."

It just needs to be edited, is all. It was enough that I think it brought down the overall story that is otherwise working really well.

THE POSITIVES: I really enjoyed this starting place. It was a nice way to give some background information while feeling natural. The paragraph where Diane reflects on a cemetery is beautiful and I think that's what you tried to start with, but without knowing the main character, the intro doesn't work at all. What makes the rumination on the cemetery so impactful is that we got a sense for Diane now.

I also think instead of "Goodbye brother" something more powerful could go there. Like "See ya later alligator" or "Until next time". Something more personal. 'Goodbye brother' is so impersonal and it didn't evoke a lot of emotion in me. I think with something more personality based, this would be a powerful ending to the prologue!

Chapter 1: -1

1 Point Taken For:  (It was a slow chapter). I didn't see the point in the long conversation with her cousin. They got in the car, then got out and she's at the party. It wasn't until she arrived to the party that I felt engaged, but it waned away as she started to go over the relationship between Asher and Matthew. That doesn't impact the story at all, and seems more like it's information the author is giving themselves versus information necessary for the reader. The whole scene at the club/bar also didn't seem to move any plot forward at all (After coming through after reading the 14 chapters, these are scenes that could better used with Zed, Alex, or just her and Asher, or rumors about Shana's family and how they always have weird things happening). Also, in this  just when we got into some character moments (when she mentioned seeing Brian) Asher just said, "That's good...gotta go!" Which is not a reaction most best friends have. Then the chapter ended, with no real movement in plot or character development. We sort of just met a cast of people with no context to anything. Which in turn, made it a really slow chapter. It just felt stiff, and more like you were trying to get a feel for where to start the story, versus the story actually starting there.

THE POSITIVES: Overall I really liked seeing that you seemed invested in your cast and characters, which I think will make the concept of her being linked with someone really interesting! It tells me that you are probably going to write that really well. I think the dialogue was pretty good too. I think if you just made it shorter, or created a different scene that was focused on Asher (as he is introduce in the next chapter again) then I think this chapter would work better. I think having them have a conversation about her car, talking about her brother, and then doing something that intrigues the reader is enough.

Chapter 2: No Points Taken!

THE POSITIVES: I thought it was really interesting to start with the male character and get a feel for that danger that is there! I like that you introduced that early to us. I really liked Shana asking Diane to be the subject of her hypothesis. It's a simple scene, but it was really engaging and pulled me in. Especially once Diane actually started to get lost in it! That's the kind of engagement the first chapter lacked. You described what happened to her really well too. I like the ominous end, and I think it shows that Shana might be actually magical or something and was trying to do something to Diane but it didn't work (although it did technically because Diane lost herself for a moment.)

Chapter 3:  -1

-1 Points Taken For: (Confusion) Diane has a moment where she has a thought, but she leads the thought with 'Okay Shana'. I thought we were either in Shana's head, or you misspelled Diane, but I see in a comment you say it makes sense later. I recommend re-working this vagueness, as there is no mystery there to me. It just seems like an error on your end, and that really pulled me out of the chapter. Even if you did it on purpose, if you lose the reader too much, then you've gone too far in your mystery. The rest of the chapter continued on, but my mind was still stuck on 'What was up with Shana in her thoughts?' and not in a good way. I wasn't excited or interested in anything, but just confused. It was never cleared up and it honestly ruined the flow of the entire chapter, and I leave the chapter wondering more about what clue I missed versus being excited over the mystery of it. It's like a puzzle - you want to have the puzzle pieces not too hard for the reader to find. If the reader has to take a pause to go hunting for the missing puzzle piece, you've ruined the immersion.

THE POSITIVES: I like the relationships being built here. I think you are doing a good job at writing Diane and Asher, and I think it's interesting that Shana has a crush on him and now I am wondering if that has anything to do with Diane being her guinea pig, which makes me think the hypnosis worked! IF I am right, about your statement about the random 'Shana' making sense later, then I assume that her hypnosis was to sort of take over Diane's body? If so - that's really interesting!! But it was totally lost on me in this chapter, and I only figured that out because of your inline comment 🙁

RECOMMENDATIONS: If you are trying to build a mystery of Shana taking over Diane, then you absolutely need to make that more clear. Otherwise, your mystery is too vague, and you're not giving the reader enough clues. (Again your inline comment is the most helpful so far). I'd recommend doing something like " ...because of exams. Okay Shana, I heard in my head. I looked around with wide eyes. Just walk up, and casually ask..." Basically show us that Diane is hearing voices in her head. By just casually moving on to the next part of the story, it makes it seem like it was a typo, or it was really bad allusion to something else. Either way, it didn't work.

Chapter 4: No Points Taken!

THE POSITIVES:  Oh, starting out with an intrusion scene!! The more I get into this story, the more I realize you can write a more engaging first chapter. You definitely know how to write engaging scenes! And I loved that it turned out to be Asher! It's a goofy, intense scene and it sucked me right in. Great job!

I like that Shana came in, as the conversation was getting a little stale for me. I am terrible at judging conversations like these because they bore me in general, but I also wonder if others like them. BUT! It was definitely starting to drag into 'alright, what's the next scene?'

RECOMMENDATIONS: The phone call with Steven was really unclear, but it was such a short scene that I was able to move by it without too much of a hiccup. But I suggest making it more clear who is speaking in that.

Side note: At this point, I am struggling to find any coherent plot, even a minor one. Nothing seems to be matching the synopsis either. There seems to be no direction right now, and the scene with Zed is quickly fading from my mind and it's starting to feel like it was more random than anything....(Reading through, after reading Chapter 14...having Zed mention a witch would clear a lot of this up. Not only would it make my gears turning that Shana is a witch, but I'd now be panicking that Zed is going to hurt one of them. But not connecting any of these scenes, you're losing a lot of that impact).

Chapter 5: No Points Taken!

The conversations with Ash and Stephen aren't doing much for me, but I won't take off points since I can't tell if that's just me not interested, or if something needs to be worked on. I did like how I am seeing that Diane is linked to someone!! That is really fun, and I honestly felt really excited when I made that connection. But once again, it needs to be made more clear what is happening. It's like your pointing in a direction for the reader to go in, but it's riddled with fog so I can't quite tell what is going on. You can always start in a fog, but it needs to lift with each chapter. Right now it's still dense, and I feel like I am getting left behind and missing information. It's more uncomfortable than exciting (but the premise is pretty fun!!!!)

I also loved the cliffhanger! I was honestly losing hope for the story in terms of getting lost in the conversation that didn't seem to move the story forward, and then the really random italics (that are never clarified) that just confused me. But then this cliffhanger appeared in the wild! Wow. That really brought the story to a new level for me. It showed me an excitement I have been craving and it was awesome to get there.

Although, I caution, you might lose readers before they get there by covering the italics in too much mystery, and by not giving enough exposition. As right now, there is a lot of hanging out with friends, but not a lot of storytelling, which is contrary to the prologue where I loved her scene with her brother. Essentially, from the prologue, to this scene, the story has felt a little lost in terms of establishing itself. But I gotta say - I loved that cliffhanger!

Chapter 6: No Points Taken!

Wow what a great start to the chapter! It felt like a different story from what I had been reading. You can tell you really got interested in this scene, and it shows in the writing. The dialogue was great. I loved the scene with the doctor too! And another fun cliffhanger!

Honestly, this is the best chapter yet. I loved every minute of it. There was a level of engagement the other chapters lacked. Honestly? At this point? I can't even tell why the previous chapter existed in the first place. It didn't do much for the plot, didn't really help the characters, and it just prolonged this exciting chapter.

Chapter 7: No Points Taken!

I really enjoyed the little dream with her seeing Shana. I usually hate dream sequences because they are often so vague and the writer thinks they are being "mysterious" and "foreshadowing". But the problem with dreams is that they are completely and utterly unreliable, because, you know, they're dreams. They only work if there is an overly clear reason for them.

I'd say for this you did a fantastic job to foreshadow her connection with Shana, and therefore the dream was clear as to why it was put in. In this instance, you did a fantastic job at using a dream sequence properly!!! Thank you for making it short, and pertinent. Well done!!

RECOMMENDATION: I was disappointed that Matthew invited her over for dinner and said that two other couples would be there. I'll admit the chapter lost me when she went over there for dinner. So far, this story has given me more filler than plot, and all through an unnecessary cast. Often times a writer (myself included) will include social scenes, that for us, seem relevant. But for the reader, they just aren't. I recommend asking yourself, and be honest - what does that scene really do? Is it truly moving the plot forward? Is there anything else that can go here instead? (I'll answer that...yes, there totally is! You have so much to work with, that I can't imagine why the story is focusing so hevily on these side characters instead of the actual plot...)

Books are all about the plot. Sure, us writers love the fluff we throw in, because to us, it's super fun. But readers don't read for fluff, they read for plot. (Fluff as in it's not doing anything for the plot) Now, I know you kind of set up a "normal" scene so we could have the creepy scene, but I highly recommend cutting out that fluff conversation that my eyes desperately want to skim past. Have her pull up, be at the door, and then have her have a vision, and then have the chapter end similarly to how it does here. That's what the story is about, not the dinner party.

Chapter 8: -1

1 Point Taken For: (Lack of care in Diane) She had no reflection, or concern, at all, for what just happened. Even if she somehow has a personality that is just flippant to psychosis (until she learns it's not psychosis) she still should show some kind of aloofness as she panics internally. It's very unbelievable that she'd just ignore it. I know sometimes writers do this to avoid having to write those scenes, because we just want to move on, but as a reader, it completely ruins the immersion.  Then it happened again, and she had a tiny moment of 'woah that was weird' then she goes on about how driving relaxes her and seems to completely forget everything that just happened.

THE POSITIVES: I really like that you keep bringing up the injured hand. So many times I have seen stories where an MC will get an injury and then....it's never mentioned again. Like, c'mon! So I am so happy to see that here, you do a splendid job to keep that consistency up. I also loved the ominous phone call! That's what I am reading for - the Link, and everything about it. That was fun, and I am excited to see what that means.

RECOMMENDATION: Again,  a LOT more fluff that needs to be trimmed.  I understand trying to to extend "normal" scenes to prepare for more intense scenes, but I think you can pick a more plot-relevant-fluff-scene, or honestly, just cut it out completely. I don't see the need to delay things like the visions, the phonecalls, etc with dinners, laughter, and random banter. So far we have met so many characters that just don't seem important, and don't support the plot at all. Most people reading a paranormal story don't want to read half of a chapter about the MC and a bunch of people watching a sports game. Twilight got a way with it because Bella was actually playing, and we were interacting with Edward and his family, and a huge plot moment happened during the game. And his family were essential to the plot. Here, the friends have had zero indication that they are essential to the plot. They are just fluff/filler characters, and it's destroying the pace of the story.

I genuinely don't see how having a conversation about who will pick Dakota up, her going to check on her laundry, her picking Dakota up, and going back for more conversation has anything to do with the plot. Even if these characters are necessary later, find another way to introduce them. Right now, I would much rather see Diane actually freak out over the vision, cancel plans with friends, and lock herself in her home as she panics, and then have the phone call, while she is by herself, and have her freak out even more. Then call her friends and be like, "I need to come over. I need some social life."

As it is right now, it would be similar if I wrote about Cora - from my story - interacting with humans in a village and having no conversation about lycans or witches and just talking about a game of Jenga. It's not relevant to anything.

Chapter 9: No Points Taken!

Despite no points being taken, this chapter had more fluff. At first I was happy with the way the chapter started out. It was more up the alley that I was recommending - describing her setting/actions as a collective whole versus line by line.

But then after two giant paragraphs going over two days, we move to the NEXT day. There is NO reason to have those two giant paragraphs going over two days of chores. Just say, "Two days had passed. I had been feeling funny in those two days, from dizziness...I was lying awake in my bed after the neighbor started her car..."

We almost got to see what Diane truly thought of all of this, but again she seemed only inconvenienced by it, and not concerned. If I were reading because I picked the story up, I'd probably put it down right now. It's just too unrealistic, and it's not really fun to read about an MC that doesn't care about the fact that she is having visions. I want to be so immersed by this, because it's such an interesting idea, but it's like every time we take a step near the actual plot, we take two steps around it. Diane has almost zero urgency with the visions, and I am not sure why. Character traits aside, the visions and the Link is what the book is about! It's a lot more fun and exciting to deal with an MC that is lost in her visions, trying to understand them, than to see her shrug it off.

THE POSITIVES: I loved that Diane forgot the coffee for Matthew. That was awesome and one of the better moments in the story yet! It was so relevant to their character relationship, and it also is the first time I see that the visions are actually taking a toll on Diane. It was a simple moment, but so profound. Great job!!!

RECOMMENDATION: There is a scene here that really stuck out to me - When Diane is despondent, Asher doesn't even ask what is wrong, and she says she loves that about him. I don't understand, at all, why Diane would love having a friend who doesn't at least ask what's wrong. I get the notion of "I appreciate having a friend that doesn't push" but the dude didn't even ask her what's wrong! I suggest re-phrasing that so he does ask what is wrong, but she says 'don't want to talk about it' then he says 'alright, I'm here for you though fam, when you do. Still owe me dessert tomorrow'. THEN she can say that she loves him for that. Otherwise, she is basically saying she loves having a friend that doesn't care about her.  AGAIN, I know what you were implying, but you have to show us these implications, not just brush over them.

It also completely contradicts itself when he later, in the same chapter, he asks what's wrong. She just said that she loves that he never asks her questions about her well-being. And here he asks about it, and she doesn't even mention that she is annoyed by that. That whole scene really needs to be smoothed out.

THE POSITIVES...continued: The rest of the chapter was great! This is what I am talking about. Even thought Diane's mom is also just a side character, you gave her relevance by asking about her hand and about talking about Shana's mom. All character interactions should revolve around the plot. Even Diane forgetting the coffee for Matthew was a little plot related - it showed that Diane was having issues.

Also I LOVED that Shana tried to confront her. You are showing the reader that there is indeed a link, and it's related to the wound.

I also love that Diane is refusing to go. This is an example that works well with her denying what is going on. She is not just shrugging it off here. She is actively terrified and trying to avoid it. I really suggest focusing on this interaction and including more of it in the story.

Also, I loved that real moment of emotion with Diane! I feel like I officially met her this chapter. I see why I should be invested in this character now. You write it extremely well, so I definitely think you should not refrain from shying away from such emotions in the earlier chapters. What a great ending!

Chapter 10: +.5 Points (Explained in the paragraph)

So, even though we have more scene of dialogue, this is another great example of it being useful dialogue. Diane is at the house to converse about the cut in her hand, etc. Because of that, I was engrossed in the conversation.

That's something the other friends at the parties/dinners didn't have, which is why they are considered "fluff".

+.5 Points GOOD JOB for choosing to briefly describe that they had dinner and that it was mostly small talk, versus have to show us the small talk. So far, the story has showed us the mundane details and conversations that could have easily been surmised to keep the reader's interest peaked/keep the pace going. And you did it here!! I was so happy to see that. I really wanted to reward this so you can see what I mean about just briefly describing something versus going into detail. It's all about balance :D

I loved the line about them being witches, and that it was ancient. That was super satisfying to read!

RECOMMENDATIONS:  Although, to be honest, the punch of them being witches felt like a dull punch, versus a sucker punch that it could have been. It's been dulled by Diane's complete lack of reaction to any vision so far, and only being mildly upset by it today, and also that Zed and Alex never mentioned that they are hunting witches. This is an example of why it's important to cut out the party/dinner/club scenes with the teen couples and to spend that time with Diane ruminating over what the heck is happening to her. So when we get this line, even though we know it's the case, we, the reader, have this immense satisfaction for Diane.

(I nearly took a point away here, but then gave it back when I see that you did show some kind of reaction from Diane once she began choking on water. It was strong enough that I forgave this issue, but I still think I need to address it) 

Diane's reaction (prior to the water coming out of her mouth) to all of this makes almost no sense. She is having visions from witches, and she's just gently nodding and narrowing her eyes. She has shown no interest in these visions before, therefore, this information should be unnerving for her. This should be be the moment that she realizes she is shoulder deep in trouble. And yet she's "calm" and "collected". Even if that is her character, I suggest re-working this, as it falls flat. Show us her emotions. Have her fidget, have her breath heavily, have her sweating, then have her gently nod. SHOW that she is panicking, even if she is not outright doing so. This is what I was talking about with the story having a lot of telling moments. Even when she registers what is happening, the story simply tell us for a small moment that "everything is going on in my mind" but that doesn't mean much. What's going on? Is she thinking about running away? Is she thinking about confronting Shana? This chapter absolutely needs to be revisited and show us more of Diane's emotions, fear, and anger.

I highly recommend examining how Spiderman slowly discovered his powers. His reactions were wonderful, and he's also close to the age of Diane. His reactions are more up the alley that I am talking about. You can still be strong, and "not affected" while also being like "DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!". Without the latter reaction, it just becomes unbelievable. He's also a character that doesn't like to show his weakness, and yet he is vulnerable. Diane, right now, lacks that balance. Vulnerability helps display strength. Without, we have no context for their strength.

 RECOMMENDATIONS: I think to really heighten why Diane is hiding from Ash, throwing in some lines like 'I wanted to tell him. I wanted to feel sane. But how did I explain that I was seeing visions? No, I couldn't tell him.' So far you are just showing us that she is reluctant, but are missing out on a great opportunity to develop her inner conflict more. We read for inner conflict. It's what makes reading more fun than watching TV, and it amps up the stakes. We see how close she is about to tell him, but we get why she pulls away. It will make the moment she finally tells him even more powerful.

Chapter 11: No Points Taken!

First off, I have to say that I immediately started reading and forgot for a moment I was reading for a review. Hooray! That was some immersion. You started a chapter off with relevant plot, instead of having a few paragraphs of her talking about what she is doing, from drinking water, looking in the mirror, etc. I was so happy to see this!! It really made the story feel alive for me!

But, we fell right back into things just being "told" to us instead of shown. A doctor examines Diane, tells her she nearly drowned from being in a pool, and Diane is like 'OH smart move Moira'. That is just not believable. There should at least be a small scene of:

"You are lucky you made it out with little damage."
I looked at him, confused. I cocked my head and he seemed surprised by my own surprise. He pressed, "The pool? You fell in the pool? Do you not remember?"
I stared at him more. Then it hit me. Moira must have lied. I went with it. "Oh yeah, sorry. It's still a shock to me."

I also love that you spent some time going over the fact that Shana was drowning. I really love the creativity here and excellent job for showing us that Shana was drowning by having Diane drown too! This aspect of the Link is super fun, creative, and exciting!

I'm not sure how I feel about Marcus and Zed. Those guys are from left field, and I vaguely remember them from the beginning. They seem so unrelated that my mind wants to ignore their scene all together. You are not showing us any connections. I don't think I am going to comment on it much, since I don't even know why they are there. There's zero foreshadowing on who they are, if the murder of Stefany is even by a witch, etc. There are no dots connecting them, no mentioning of witches, an order of hunters, etc. You absolutely must connect, at least somewhat, otherwise they are irrelevant.

Chapter 12: No Points Taken!

So here, Ash reacts in a way that I love, but it contradicts the character personality that Diane has set up.

I have to do this, as it shows that it's so important not to be carefree with setting up character traits. In a few chapters back, Diane was completely not herself, and Asher didn't even say a word, and Diane commented that she loved that about him. This is crucial, because you established a relationship dynamic. This chapter completely contradicts that statement. He even grabbed her arm and told her to shut up if she isn't going to tell the truth.

It made me think, 'But I thought he showed no pressure for information? She even said she loved that about him. Either that was not correct, or he is about to lose his mind.'

That's an example of why we have to be super consistent. (I am delegating an entire round of BTR editing JUST for character consistency...haha it's going to be gnarly!) I am pointing this out so you have a clear example of why that is necessary. Because you have established that Asher is passive in terms of his friend, him reacting this way in this chapter makes him seem unhinged. It's like saying that Diane loves orange juice, then three chapters down, she gets offended that someone offers her orange juice. Even though it's just orange juice, that alone makes her look a bit crazy. Same principle here.

Also, cut out the giant paragraph about Ash's history. It's not needed, it clogs up the chapter, slows the pace down, and we already insinuated all of that based on his reaction. You have both shown and told us about Asher, and I highly suggest cutting out the telling part, because you already showed it (quite well in my opinion!) You always pick one or the other, or they end up just being redundant.

THE POSITIVES: Now...I gotta say you did a great job here for fleshing out Asher's character (if we ignore that Diane once said that he is passive). He went from a loving, fun friend, to having a serious moment, and you are showing us why - his sister used to harm herself. That explains his knee-jerk reaction and I love the character depth here. So far, Asher is the most developed character in the story, especially with this scene.

This is also another example as to why it's so crucial to allow Diane to have moments of reacting strongly to the visions, versus having the story focus on irrelevant teenage conversations, dinners, sports games, clubs, etc, because we lose that opportunity to bond with her. She is so caught up on being strong, that she has effectively pushed the reader away. She can be non-vulnerable to the world around her, but you must allow her vulnerability with the reader.  Asher's vulnerability here is what elevated his character, and while I love it, it also made me realize how undeveloped Diane actually is.

LOVE that he didn't believe her right away too! Again, he is turning into the best character so far. He is very complex, has realistic reactions, is a caring friend etc.

Honestly, I'd highly recommend copying Asher's reaction and giving Diane the same reaction. It would make Asher not believing her even more compelling, since we saw Diane go through the same reaction. I am loving Asher more than Diane at this moment, because he is much more realistic than she is.

Also, if I were reading this for leisure, I again would have skipped right over the Zed part. I read it, for the review, and again, it's completely irrelevant to the story. Either show us how this is relevant, or having Shana, her mom, or someone mention a "Zed" earlier on. Writers often try to use "vagueness" as mystery, but it fails. Because all it's doing is making the story look like it doesn't have its plot together, when it would be super simple to mention something about the witches. There is no reason not to include that. It doesn't destroy the mystery, and instead it enhances the stakes and tension. The knowledge of how they are connected is what would make those scenes more pertinent, exciting, etc. It's not like I am going to be like 'Oh...they're after the witches. Mystery is over! This plot is boring now.' Instead, I am going to be like 'OH MY GOSH IT's ZED AGAIN!!!' and will be dying to see how close they are to the witches. But it's never been said they are after the witches, so that excitement is pretty flat right now.

Chapter 13: No Points Taken

Shana being attacked could have had so much more of a punch if you foreshadowed that Alex (what happened to Marcus?) and Zed were hunting the witches. Instead, I found myself wondering 'why wasn't this confirmed earlier?' I don't want to sound like I am harping on it, but I just want to make sure this isn't something you skim over. SO many writers do, and it ruins their story, honestly. In Twilight, for example, half of the suspense was knowing that Edward was a vampire, before she confronted him. It's that build up and suspense we love!

In this story, you have to connect that Zed and Alex are hunting the witches, as that's the same kind of suspense. Just because we know they are coming after the witches doesn't mean the plot twist is ruined - because it's not a plot twist. It's a tension/stake builder. That execution has been slightly botched because of the lack of proper foreshadowing or dot connecting. Again, this could be done in place of the teenagers all hanging out and having conversations. (See how those scenes are more fluff? They prevented parts of the story, like this, from having more of a spotlight)

THE POSITIVES:  I am so happy to see that Diane didn't back down! I was afraid for a moment she would, and would try to "tough it out" but here she had the more realistic reaction that I was looking for when she didn't know what the visions were! Readers wants to see an MC fight for themselves, not back down to be "tough". It was great to see Diane discard that part of her personality to be like 'Bitch, I am not dying for you!' It really made me root for her, and it makes me excited to see her conversation with Kaiden. I really felt close to her character here, like when Asher confronted Diane.

Also, now that I know Alex and Zed are officially involved with the witches, NOW I want to read his parts. Again, I suggest in the first appearance they have, to really mention "The witches this....the witches that..." So that way the reader keeps piling up the dots and is freaking out over the dots they are being connected.

It definitely makes me wonder what Shana did to deserve a hunter coming after her! Did she really kill Stefany? this is the tension/stakes the first 10 chapters are missing and it's really lovely to see here! I love the mystery as to what Shana must have done!

Chapter 14: +1 Point

I had to do it! I had to give a point for the plot twist!

Before that...I want to say that I love that we are starting to get into the link more!!! I love how you use it, and how Shana gets injured, and then Diane wakes up with said injury. You do a great  job with that! It's awesome that you handle the link so well, since that's what the story is about!

There was a lot of tension in the first scene with Diane finally being willing to do something, and I love seeing her take action!

Okay, now to the extra point - the plot has been established that she would have to kill someone as the precious object...and it's Asher!!!! WHAT A TWIST! See, that is a plot twist, while Zed and Alex aren't. There is so much intensity in the fact that Asher is what they bonded over. I am serious! What a twist! Bravo to that. It made the story win a lot of brownie points on my end! It's a twist that will be sticking with me for a while, I think!

END OF THE CHAPTER ANALYSIS

Plot: -1 

The summary tells us that the plot is about this Link, and yet the story seems to do everything it can to dance around this aspect for the first 10 chapters or so. Your plot of the story is the connection. It's even called Linked. And yet the story is treating this Link like it's a daydream and focusing more on the side characters and Diane's conversations with them that have nothing to do with the story. Diane maybe spends a few seconds realizing that having literal visions is a little "weird" and then goes back to her daily life like nothing happened. As the reader, I want to see her obsess over this, not casually move on and hangout with more of the irrelevant side characters. Especially since the story is about the link.

In Chapter 8, Diane even says, "I have always been the kind of girl attracted to mystical and supernatural things..." and yet that completely contradicts the fact that she treats the visions like they are a bout of dizziness. The plot is clear - there is a Link. But the story does not stay consistent with this Link, Diane's reaction to it, and we often skirt around it by filling in scenes with conversations that don't have any relevance.

THE POSITIVES: I LOVE THE PLOT TWIST! Seriously, if you ever do a huge edit and smooth this story out, it's got real competition potential. The bones and framework for the story are immensely wonderful. Asher is the thing that has to be "broken" to ruin the link? While Shana is being hunted? Seriously!! What a wonderful plot!!! It's one of the more original ideas I have seen in a while.

Characters: -2

Too many side characters that have no impact on the plot, and draw out scenes that readers are here to read (scenes about the Link).

Diane has amazing framework for a dynamic read, but she lost a point here for her immense passiveness for having visions that she doesn't understand. Why even have a story about visions if your MC doesn't care about them? Grip us with the visions. Make Diane start to lose her mind, to grow jumpy, THEN put her in a social setting and have them all notice that something is off. THEN have Diane demand Shana tell her what is happening. Have her panicked about meeting the mom, etc. but decide she has to know. Grip us with that dynamic.

Diane's lack of reaction really came to a head when Moira confessed they are witches. It was such a dull scene (Not the information though...that was epic!), when it shouldn't have been. The scene also didn't quite line up at all. That's because Diane hasn't been impacted, or even bothered, to simply think about the visions. So here we have an MC that doesn't bother with her visions, and then gets told there are witches, and she just narrows her eyes. It makes Diane a weak MC, not emotionally, but structurally. She doesn't even seem invested in her own story (the only time I really felt something from Diana was when she confronted Shana. That was great!). If you spent more time developing Diane's confusion, and giving her an obsession with witches, even having her research them, then this moment would make SO much more sense.

THE POSITIVES: I am loving this threeway dynamic with Asher, Shana, and Diane. It's lovely, brilliant, gripping, and just like...what is going to happen!?!?! The positive here is that you have amazing framework for all of these characters, and all characters need a few rounds of editing to flesh out. I think once they, especially Diane, are all fleshed out, this story will be a battle of what to do, what not to do, and what will happen to Asher? (Who is really growing on me!)

Setting: -1 

The beginning of the story was really slow, and there a lot of scenes that did nothing to move anything forward. This is a huge barrier that prevents the reader from getting to the inciting incident. The first chapter had basically no reason for being there, and then we have more hanging out scenes, all without the inciting incident. An inciting incident is where a story truly starts, and this is what agents looks for when reviewing manuscripts. Yours, I would say, is when Shana appears at the door. It's then that things opened up and I found myself actually really interested in the story.

THE POSITIVES: There is a hunt going on for the witches, and Diane is now caught up in it, whether she likes it or not!!! It's a great place for the story to happen in, so I suggest focusing on that more than the scenes I mentioned that don't work.

Style: -2 

Fluff Scenes. This is where the story fell into the Zoning Immersion territory for me. Not because I was distraught over them, but because they really ruined the immersion for me. We had a thrilling chapter of her getting stabbed in the hand, witches are probably real, and then the story derails so hard that we end up at a teenagers house watching a sports game, and there's even commentary on the sports game. Then we have so much description about her daily chores, over and over again. These are scenes that could be spent with Diane, getting a feel for everything that is happening to her, etc.

OVERALL RECOMMENDATIONS: Try to make the fluff actually relevant. Don't just write a scene to fill in space, or explain how we got to a place. Just quickly describe what she did, and move on. Or make sure one of the side characters is actually relevant and they help Diane in someway, not just have "fun conversation". We need to care about characters before we enjoy their banter. Right now I don't care about any character except for Shana, Asher, or Diane, because that's the plot.

I also recommend that you re-work the focus of the story. Either make it about the friend group, or focus on the Link. Right now it is hovering between both, and that is preventing anything from truly developing.

I also recommend finding a much different starting place. Right now, it's way too jumbled in the beginning. There are a lot of scenes that don't really move the story forward, the plot is not clear (even a minor one), it doesn't match the synopsis at all, and Zed was thrown in too early with a small scene with no connection to anything. Your focus is on Asher and Stephen in the very beginning, but the real meat is with Shana. And even that was more confusing than understandable (not mysterious, but confusing.) The prologue was great with the brother, and then the story just sort of petered out, then got a surge of life with Shana in the classroom, and then petered out again. And then Shana turning up to the doorstep! Honestly, I think the first few chapters could use a lot of condensing.

I also recommend practicing adding sensory details to make the story come to life even more. I have a blog post on that on my website www.charlottemallory.com that goes over them. I'd type it out here, but that's why I have a blog ;D Haha. Plus if you don't want to read it, I won't bore you with the details here! But I recommend it for sure! (Not really the blog, but adding sensory details, and reading up on them)

My Overall Takeaway:

I think this is just a case of first drafts. First Drafts are the author telling the story to themselves. This definitely had that vibe. There was a ton of fluff, lots of characters that have no impact on the story, and Diane is passive about the plot of the story. It's titled Linked, and Diane is only mildly rattled, at best, by this. There is an attempt to write a "tough" MC that doesn't react to this, and I tried it too once, and it fails every time. Mostly, I think, it's because it's just not fun to read about. People want to see a character struggle, then overcome that struggle. Not come out too tough to be struggling. It leaves little room for character growth.

On that note, this story has great framework for something really interesting and gripping. Right now, you spend a majority of our time with Diane going over her chores, how she feels about mundane things, etc. But you never let us feel her worry, panic, or concern for the visions. Cut out the chores and mundane things, and focus on how she thinks she is going crazy. Focus on how she is terrified of the phone calling, or on people knocking on the door. Focus on her brushing her teeth until her gums bleed because she just wants to brush her teeth like normal, but she can't stop thinking about the visions.

Focus on what the story is about - this mysterious Link. It's fascinating and I love how it happens out of nowhere. But it seems like a minor side-plot, at best.

You have a FANTASTIC plot twist, that just oozes drama and conflict. Stories often have to undergo multiple drafts and re-writes, as much as we try to avoid them. But sometimes they aren't worth it if the story itself is just 'meh'. This one? In my opinion? It's totally worth finishing, beta-reading, and re-drafting, based on the plot and character framework alone. This story is worth committing to. There is so much potential here, and it's got my gears spinning. The twist and characters has immersed me in their issue so much that I know at some point I have to finish this story. I love the witches, that Shana is being hunted, that Asher is the thing that has to be destroyed...these are great bones to work with.

I will have to be putting this in a read for later just to see what happens in that plot twist! I recommend others giving it a read for the plot twist itself. Overall fantastic job on the story itself. I am excited to see where the story goes!