"You're... you're," I stuttered, unable to get the words out. I watched through tear-filled eyes as she nodded slowly, and I released a strangled breath. "But... how?" I choked out.

She turned her gaze away from me. "I had been seeing your father for about a year before we went our separate ways," she started, her voice thick with emotion. "I was already a senior agent by then, and when I found out I was pregnant, I was devastated."

Her words cut straight through the walls I'd built up over the years as the tears in my eyes began to fall.

"It wasn't something I had ever wanted, and since I found out after your father and I were separated, I never told him," she admitted. "The pregnancy was hard, but I wanted to do the right thing. I set up a closed adoption so that I knew you'd be safe, but when you were born, there was a moment when I thought about raising you myself. You were so small and beautiful," she said, getting choked up as she turned back to face me, "but I couldn't do it. I knew that for you to have a normal life, you'd need to do that away from me."

"So you let me go," I stated point-blank.

"Yes," Catherine whispered

"How did you even know my name then?" I asked, a painful lump growing in my throat. "If it was a closed adoption, you shouldn't have known."

"Your parents told the nurses they were okay with me knowing, so before I left the hospital, I was told that my daughter's name was Aspen Rigby."

"And you never thought to look for me?" I asked, anger quickly overtaking my initial shock.

"Of course I did," she replied immediately "but with this job – working at S.I.C.O, I knew it wasn't safe for you."

"It wasn't safe for me here?" A dry laugh escaped my lips, my words accompanied by a hard edge. "Were you ever notified that my adoptive parents – my real parents, died in a car crash when I was eight years old? That I was put into the foster system and forced to fend for myself most of the time? That's not what I'd call living a safe life."

"Aspen..." she breathed, a pained expression crossing her features.

"No," I said aggressively, shaking my head as I stood up, "I don't want to hear it. You made your choice, and now I'm making mine."

Ignoring the way my chin trembled and my chest ached, I turned on my heel and walked away. Catherine called out for me to wait – to let her explain, but her words fell on deaf ears. My steps became faster and more purposeful as I reached the building, and as I moved through the halls towards my room, my hair fell to shield my face and my tears fell hard.

By the time I let my door fall shut behind me, I barely had the strength to carry myself to the bed, collapsing just as I reached it. My breaths were shallow and I felt light-headed, too many emotions trying to push themselves to the forefront of my mind.

It was suffocating.

I'd been given exactly what I wanted – an answer to the questions that had burned my curiosity, and while I knew Catherine's admission had been honest, I was left unsatisfied.

More questions circled, and as I curled up alone, I could feel myself falling deeper into the rabbit hole.

----------

It was the first time since I'd arrived at Division 27 that I'd slept long into the afternoon.

My emotional and mental limits had been shattered and my body was exhausted – as though the truth of who I was had drained any ounce of strength I had. Not once had I woken up after closing my eyes the night before, laying dreamless in the comfort my bed brought me until the sound of a sharp crack of thunder forced its way through my skull.

It seemed fitting that the weather reflected my mood – the thunder a rumple of anger in the sky, the rain a downpour of sadness, and the lightning a jolt of surprise. The storm was violent and unexpected, casting dark shadows over the grounds as the howling winds picked up speed.

They said things got better after a storm, but in that moment, I wasn't sure if I believed it.

Bleary eyed, I felt a headache begin to pound as a result of the tears that had been shed as I'd slept, staining my cheeks and leaving my eyes rimmed red. It would've been easy for me to stay in bed the rest of the day and act as though I'd fallen ill, but I couldn't let myself appear weak. Instead, I lifted myself up – showering and getting dressed as I felt the walls that had been torn down build themselves back up.

The halls were busier than usual as I headed towards the Grand Hall, everyone confined inside the building and unwilling to brave the weather. I couldn't help but glance at each person I passed, wondering who all knew of my connection to S.I.C.O, and who'd been left in the dark just as I had.

Did the senior agents know? Did Kira? Finn? Beckett? Did everyone know?

I felt as though my composure was hanging by a thread, dangling me over the edge of a cliff. My posture was stiff; my shoulders tense as I fell in line to grab a small salad and a bowl of fruit. It was when a hand came down on my shoulder however, that I jumped, spinning on my heel with wide eyes only to see Kira standing there, a slightly amused look on her face.

"Whoa, sorry," she said, a bit of laughter spilling from her lips, "I didn't mean to scare you."

I let out a slow breath. "Don't worry about it," I replied, shrugging it off, "I'm just a little on edge because I haven't been feeling all that well this morning."

Her forehead creased as she bought the lie, flitting her eyes towards my shoulder. "I thought your shoulder had healed?"

"It did. It's more a headache that's bugging me than anything else."

"Oh, hopefully you're feeling better soon," she said, "and if you want somewhere quiet to hang out, the lab is pretty sound proof. I've been working there alone the past couple of hours, so I'm sure no one would mind if you wanted to come and do some reading or something."

Her words sounded genuine, though I couldn't help but wonder if she knew about my relationship to Catherine and was simply keeping it from me. After all, she'd been an agent once, and on top of the fighting, it'd been her job to be able to mask her emotions and gather intel by lying and being deceitful.

Just as I was about to respond, my gaze drifted over her shoulder to see Catherine walking into the Grand Hall, her eyes landing on me immediately. "Sorry," I said in a rush, pushing my way past Kira as I headed towards the exit, "I've got something I have to do."

It was another lie, but I couldn't face Catherine. Not yet.

Knowing she wouldn't be able to follow me without raising suspicion, I quickened my pace, but instead of heading back to my room, where I knew she would easily be able to find me, I made my way towards the library. Bypassing the rows of tables near the entrance that seemed to be full of agents hiding out as the storm blew over, I made my way towards the back of the room. I'd never been through the stacks before in fear of getting lost, but in that moment, it was exactly what I wanted. To get lost and to be left alone.

Eventually, after weaving my way through the numerous pathways, I made it to the back entrance, which consisted of a large glass pane that was getting pelted with rain and a door that led outside to an enclosed gazebo. From what I could tell, it was completely empty, and without much thought, I pushed open the door and ducked my head, making a sprint through the rain.

Pulling open the flimsy door, I stepped inside, pushing my damp hair back from my face as I took in the small space. It was isolated on the far-right side of the grounds and could probably only hold a maximum of six people, but it was cozy as I sat down on one of the benches, pulling my knees to my chest. The heavy rain was a calming sound as it beat down on the roof of the gazebo, but no matter how hard I tried, as the minutes of silence ticked by, the rumbles of thunder and the brief flashes of lightening couldn't drown out my thoughts.

It was a shadowed figure moving towards the gazebo that pulled me out of my head and sent a jolt of panic through my veins. They were tall, but with the rain picking up, I couldn't see much. It could've been anyone – Catherine, another agent, or...

Someone else.

My arms tightened around my legs as the person moved closed and I mentally counted the seconds I had left to myself. Three. Two. One.

Even though I'd realized he had a talent for showing up at times when I least expected, I was still surprised to see Beckett step inside the gazebo, a rush of cool air following close behind him. His hair was still dripping, sticking to his forehead before he ran a hand through it to push the strands away from his face, and the rest of him seemed just as soaked.

"How did you know where I was?"

"I didn't," he replied simply, "but Kira came to see me, wondering if I knew what was going on with you. She said you were on edge when she saw you earlier. Plus, this light," he pointed to the dim lantern that hung from the center of the ceiling, "casts a pretty heavy glare through the rain."

"Great," I muttered under my breath, ducking my head down to my chest. "Well you have nothing to worry about, I'm fine."

"You know you aren't that great a liar," he pointed out, his hands finding their way into the pockets of his trousers.

His bluntness was unwelcomed, especially after two nights ago in the training barn, when he'd been brutally honest with me about my lack of skills and the impossible mission I seemed to be on to fight back against the Gemini Clan. I hadn't seen him since, and I hadn't yet built up the strength to talk to him again, let alone listen.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice thick – just above a whisper.

The silence that followed was long – and for a moment I questioned whether he'd changed his mind and wanted to turn around and step right back into the storm. When he took two steps towards me however, taking a seat on the other end of the bench, I knew he wasn't leaving until I heard him out.

"I had a meeting with Catherine the morning." With my feet now planted on the floor and my gaze still directed downwards, now focusing on the way my hands clenched together on my lap, I didn't have to look up and see his expression to know what was coming next. He knew – and for how long, I had no idea. "It seemed like all she wanted to talk to me about was you."

"Did she order you to follow me around and keep an eye on me?" I sneered. "Because if it'll make her feel better, you can tell her that I'm not stupid enough to leave – not again."

There was a pause, as though he didn't know how to respond.

"You know she only wanted what was best for you."

My chest felt heavy as I lifted my head slightly, looking over at him through my lashes, ignoring his statement for a moment as I asked the question that was bothering me the most. "How long have you known she was my mom?"

He met my gaze as he replied. "Since last year, when she assigned me to be one of the agents watching out for you." I released a staggered breath, fearing that was the case. "Everyone who'd be assigned to tail you knew, but once I brought you back here, word spread."

I gulped. "So everyone...?"

"Everyone knows," he confirmed, "but it was Catherine's idea to keep you in the dark until you needed to know. Like I said, she wanted what's best for you."

"If she was worried about my well-being, she would've told me the truth the minute I met her," I responded roughly, my anger beginning to bubble back up to the surface. "She wanted me far away from this place, and she failed, because even after all her attempts at keeping me a secret, I still ended up here."

"I don't think you're giving her enough credit."

My eyes narrowed and surprise filled my features. "Seriously?" I grinded out. "She was afraid of her past coming back to haunt her – that's all."

"She was afraid of you getting pulled back into his life, the one that she tried so hard to keep you away from." My mind was screaming at me to cut him off – to tell him I didn't want to hear it, but the words wouldn't come. Maybe on some level, I did want to hear what he had to say. "Catherine might not have made the best choice when she gave up, but at least she was able to make a choice."

I didn't know where he was going with this, and as I glanced over at him with my eyebrows drawn, I saw that his eyes were fixed forwards, his hands clenched by his sides.

"My parents were double agents," he admitted. "They were part of the Gemini Clan and too scared to leave, but they helped to source intel to S.I.C.O whenever they could. As a kid, they left me out of their work and I stayed with a babysitter while they were out on assignments. At the time, I didn't know what their job was – I only found out after, but I was old enough to know that they were choosing their job over spending time with me."

Maybe it was the way his voice lacked emotion, or the way his Adam's apple bobbed, or just the overwhelming amount of information that had passed through my head in the last twenty-four hours, but I felt a lump form in my throat and a wetness gather in the corner of my eyes.

"One night when I was eight, they were both called out on a last-minute assignment. I was already asleep, and they thought they'd be back before I woke up, so they didn't call a sitter." I saw his knuckles turning white as his fists clenched tighter. "I woke up a few hours later, and I was alone. It was your mom that ended up finding me two nights later." My breath hitched. "The Gemini Clan hadn't known I existed, but a few S.I.C.O agents had. My parents wanted me to be safe if anything had ever happened to them, so after they died... I was brought into Division 27 at the request of Catherine."

I flinched when I felt Beckett's hand cover my own as it laid on the bench beside me. His skin was still cold from the rain, but as I waited for him to gather the rest of his thoughts, I didn't move my hand away.

"At the time, she'd been a senior agent for years already, and was working her way up the ranks – mentoring the new recruits and guiding them through training. I was alone and by far the youngest person inside these walls, but as I kept to myself in the room I'd been given, Catherine always came to check on me." He finally turned towards me, an intense honesty gleaming in his eyes behind the glassy wall of tears. "She watched out for me as I grew up, and pulled me away from what could've been a totally different ending."

After several seconds of silence, I knew he'd said all he could, yet there wasn't much I could say in response. I wasn't used to this Beckett – the one that was willingly opening up instead of keeping everyone at a distance. It felt like he'd purposefully let me into his past – his pain – to lessen the pain that I was feeling.

"My parents died when I was eight too," I said, his honesty prompting my own as my gaze once again shifted downwards so that my chin touched my chest. "Car crash."

"I'm not making up excuses for her, it's just," he sighed, "it wasn't easy growing up as a child surrounded by things I had no business knowing about. I didn't really get a normal childhood, and I think that's one of the reasons why she felt putting you up for adoption was the right choice."

"Jumping around from one foster home to another isn't what I'd called an ideal childhood either," I pointed out, my voice quiet, with much less anger attached to my words.

"I know," he admitted, "and I'm not arguing with that, but you were able to go to school, make friends with people your own age, and grow up not having to worry that there was danger around every corner – I never had that."

I could understand where he was coming from. It was easy to see that the way he'd been raised reflected his actions now – how he kept people at a distance, how he tried his best to stick to the rules, and how he spoke the truth, no matter how hard it was to hear.

"I can't just put everything behind me," I said, a hiccup in my voice, "I can't forget that she gave me up and she tried to hide the fact that she's my mom."

"And I'm not asking you to," he replied, squeezing my hand. "I just wanted you to know that Catherine is a good person. We all make mistakes we have to live with – choices that haunt us every day, but she does want to talk to you; when you're ready."

I nodded, unable to formulate a response. Instead, with both of our minds filled with a complicated stream of thoughts and emotions, the two of us sat there in silence, not moving away from one another until the rain let up and the sun peaked out from behind the clouds.

a/n: here's a little look into Catherine's past, Aspen's emotions, and Beckett's history. Hopefully some questions were answered with this chapter! Let me know if any of your predictions were right about what was revealed, or if you have any future predictions for upcoming chapters that you'd like to share! There's still a lot more to be told with this story, that's for sure.

Also, I'm participating in Camp Nano this month with my awesome cabin mates, and I wrote this entirely over the past two days, so I think this month is going to be a good one, and my weekly updates will continue :)