REVIEW DONE BY : Krippy93

Cover :

It's a very nice cover : there's the mansion, there's the mystery/thriller vibe, the font is intriguing and the overall color palette suggests a mystery/thriller story. Well done!

Blurb :
It's not that bad. If I had to rate it I would give it a 7/10. The contents you wanna touch in it are clear but you should improve in the storytelling part. An
example is in this line:

-Rather than "Will our MCs BEAT the bad guys?" it's better to ask "Will our MCs BECOME the bad guys?"-

It's a very interesting line, because you are basically saying to your readers what the book's conflict will be. This is a theme that can be developed well, that can really go deep in the psyche of your characters.

But. Why did you write it like this!? You should intrigue your readers not spoil them! Try to say the same concept in a more "storytelling way", for example:

-When faced with the shocking truth of a world not so black and white, what would our heroes do? Would them fight for what it's just to society or for what is just to them? Would they fight to beat the "bad guys" or would they join them, and become one as well?-

This is just an example, of course, so feel free to adjust my words to your liking, but you get the idea. Evocative yet taunting words will do the job!

Chapt 1 :

This is a very good chapter. I honestly don't know why you said you need advice: you clearly know how to write and the story is undoubtedly interesting.

Let's start with the good things: perfect balance between long and short sentences. There's also the right amount of descriptions, dialogue and narrative sequences. You show, for the most part, and tell only near the end of the chapter. The narration was very well done!

Watch out for close repetitions of words, for example right at the start I noticed "blood" being said twice in the same paragraph.

The general atmosphere of the story is clear and well done, I feel immersed in the world you created right from the start.

The bad things :

the story is so well written that the few issues here and there really stand out to me. I say issues and not mistakes because I think these are just general improvements you can do to the story but nothing really troubling. First of all, after you move from the Princess to Rain you (correctly) adopted a separator. Why don't you insert an image, here? A fancy divider, or even the dashes if you like them but at least center them in the page!

Second, watch out for repetitions and wrong punctuation here and there. There weren't many, though! The one that really bugged me was:

-To him, it was the cold and no one, not even the submission of his wild son, Kaizen would change his opinion.-

I would change it to:

-To him, it was just the cold: no one, not even the submission of his wild son Kaizen, could change his opinion.-

Keep in mind that numbers are always written in words and not number, except for exact dates and times. So, 15-year-old becomes fifteen year old and 200 km becomes two hundred kilometers, etc.

Something that weirded me out a bit was the second change of scene, when you shift from Rain to Kaizen but, this time, without using a divider. It works fine even without the divider, honestly, because of the narration style you adopted, but it feels kinda strong and some readers may not like it.

The general narrative voice changes here as well, in fact you then change scene again moving from Kaizen to Saito in the same way. This method works fine, but it feels different compared to how you started the chapter : at first you're a 3rd person narrator, then you're the 3rd person narrator directly telling a story to the reader. It's like at first we see the start of a good movie and then suddenly the narrator voice pops up off camera: we can only hear the narrator voice but not the sounds of the scene, so it's not the scene that's speaking for itself. I hope you get what I mean!

This strange change of style is even more strong at the end, when you clearly address the reader in the last paragraph when you say "now, imagine Kaizen helping the elderly".

It is not a wrong style at all, mind me! But you change in the middle of the chapter without a clear separation between the two styles; I would at least put a divider between Rain-Kaizen scenes.

Chapt 2 :

Another very good chapter indeed. Watch out for typos (like "here" instead of "her") and punctuation, as well as numbers that must be written in words (30s that becomes thirties). Also, keep in mind that uppercase words are a no-go for literature, so when you write "I know how to take care of ALL my kids" you should change that "ALL" to lowercase and, to add emphasis, make it in italics.

Check out for typos such as "Mommy Headstrock! Mommy headstrock": why the first headstrock has a capital letter and the second one doesn't? Or "Spooky", why is it capitalized? Watch out for Mr. and Mr too: the correct one is either depending on your language (USA or UK) but you need to be consistent. If you used Mr once, you need to always use Mr and not Mr. so be careful!

Another thing to watch out for is when you write thoughts. Up until now you always wrote thoughts in italics, which is perfect, hence why did you write thoughts with both quotes and italics? Only italics is enough, you can delete the quotes!

On a side note, I almost died of laughter at the end of the chapter. Amazing way to end it!

Chapter 3 :

This is a funny chapter, for a change. It felt fresh to read compared to the previous ones who were a bit dark, and finally introduces the moment our two heroes meet. Unfortunately, as much as the chapter is funny to read it is also full of punctuation errors and some typos. I strongly suggest you to visit our Editing Shop to fix them!

Moreover, the opening of this chapter feels weird. I would change the first sentence this way:

"The events of the previous night proved not to be life-threatening for the silver-haired boy, who woke up in the morning feeling quite well."

The closing line is good: you manage to keep the interest of your readers high introducing a cliffhanger again. Well done!

You know what I don't like at all? The start with the emoji line, totally unnecessary. Also, remember to use emphasis (italics) instead of all caps lines!

Chapter 4 :

Another great chapter with some lore in it. I like the world you're building and the way you're slowly presenting to your readers. Only thing it's not yet clear to me is: it is a medieval-fantasy era or a more modern one? Because "mafia" is a modern term to use in a fantasy, why don't you refer to them as Organizations? Or, why not, come up with a brand new name to refer to them!

I like how you're building Saito and Kaizen's relationship, they work really good together. The first part of the chapter is very well written but starting from the appearance of the two criminals it becomes sloppy. Typos and punctuation errors start to appear, so please check the chapter out to correct them or ask the Editing team for that.

Another suggestion: I would not put the translation of what Saito said in the text; put it in a inline comment instead! I know some people (lazy ones) prefer the translation right away, but it totally breaks the moment in my opinion.

Finally, when Saito asks Kaizen "What are you?" why did you put those dots? I get that you wanted some suspence but that's not something you see in literature. Remove the dots and just keep Kaizen reply as it is right after Saito's line: it's perfect as it is and gives an amazing closure to the chapter.

Chapter 5 :

Again, I hate the emojis at the start of the chapter. They really break the mood! I prefere author's notes at the end of the chapter (I consider these advices as author's notes).

I liked the way you ended this chapter, making it parallel with the previous one. But again, I hate the dots you used to cerate suspence: remove them and you're good. Check for typos and punctuaction errors (for example, after the three dots you need to put a space, so: What... are... you?)

Camellia is interesting. I liked how you introduced her and her crazyness that slowly appeared, only after the two guys treathened her. The only thing that bugged me is that you refer to them with their first name before presenting them physically; I don't know who Roby is or what are his features but you still use his name in the story like it's nothing.

I would first described them, even briefly, and refer to them by a physical attribute first to discriminate between the two. Then, I'll start using the name.

For example: "Roby, the younger of the two, was holding a gun pointed at her head"

In this way you're stating 1) that Roby is the youngest 2) that he's the one with the gun pointed at her 3) that his name is Roby. Better, right?

Overall :

I enjoyed the reading and, apart from some small mistakes, the world you created is very bright and interesting for everyone that loves fantasy-themed books filled with "Korra" vibes. Your writing is honestly good, your main issue being punctuaction: contact our Editing shop to receive some help! I highli suggest you to avoid tropes like emojis and full caps lines, also remember that numbers must be written as words etc.

I had no trouble with the narrator voice, you did a great job and the ending cliffhangers are perfect to keep the reader's attention up!

I honestly don't know why you said you're bad with descriptions. Yours are well made and mature, I managed to picture everything perfectly. Maybe you want them to be more poetic? I noticed you used a lot of "for he was" and similar; consider removing them and rephrasing to make the sentences less wordy and "old style".

As for the pacing, books with a lot of worldbuilding and plot tend to start slow, so it's only natural that your first five chapters give off this feeling. But I don't think you should fret: the way you wrote the story is already perfectly paced to me, introducing every detail at the right time while also leaving space for nice scenes such as the encounter with Kaizen and Saito. Honestly, bravo!

I think you feel like you need to improve because you're using a distant type of narrator. While still keeping it third person you can use some focus on the character's feelings from time to time. You did it with Saito sometimes, and these are just first chapters so maybe the occasion is not there yet, but consider it for more emotional scenes in the future. Instead of describing the actions, try describing the feelings. Use the other senses, not only the eyes, to make the reader feel with the characters. That will also help to pull the reader into the story more!

Another suggestion regards the combat scene. It felt a bit rushed: it's true that action scenes require short sentences to give off the "action" aura, but that doesn't mean you need to avoid giving details to the readers. Try picture the movements in your head and make them as clear as possible with less fancy words yet precise terms. The "fireball" moment was a bit too rushed too: what exactly did Kaizen shoot? Where the flames red or what? What sound did they make? Did the criminals shout while running away and what odor could Saito smell afterwards (burnt for example)?

Keep up the good work: you're one step away from perfection!