Reviewer: sassy-weirdo
Book: The Kingmaker by YouCanCallMeCorn

* * *

Presentation: (9.5/15)

Cover (3.5/5)

The cover is pretty eye-catching. I like how the designer put blood and skulls and gave the cover a gloomy feel. Not to mention, the throne is a great addition as the story itself says 'Kingmaker', and you can't really make a king without a throne.

The cover might attract people to look at the blurb of your story, but there are a few things that may turn them off-

Title is too small and some parts like the 'The' in 'The Kingmaker' are mixing with the background.

'Kingmaker' seems like two words instead of one.

The rose petals may act as a distraction especially since the title is small.

The subtitle and author name are quite difficult to see. Maybe boldening it would help.

Title (4/5)

As soon as I read the title I knew what the story was about. Good job.

Blurb (2/5)

The blurb barely has enough details for me to judge. Let's break the blurb down—

I do not know who Kuroko Tetsuya is and even if I did I would not care.

I am curious to know why Aomine Daiki is cursed.

The stakes have not been explained properly

The usage of full names seems to be cluttering the blurb a bit so I suggest using just the first name.

I liked how you credited the designers who made the cover and the banner. Most population of Wattpad forgets to do it :p

It's also a good thing that you mentioned that it's not needed for the reader to have read the manga to understand the story.

Suggestion: A proper blurb should have:

The Introduction- A brief introduction about the main character- Only applicable if there are at most two main characters. Do not introduce the characters one by one if there are more than tro characters

The Goal- What goal the characters want to achieve

The Stakes- What would happen if the person does not achieve his goal.

Hence I suggest rewriting the blurb all over again with the above pointers in mind.

Uncovering the Story: (39/55)

First (Chapter) Impression (4/10)

I have mentioned my likes and dislikes here.

Likes-

Mentioning the trigger warnings in the first chapter is good but I also suggest mentioning them in the blurb as well.

As mentioned in the 'Blurb' part, I like how you mentioned that there is no need to have read the manga in order to understand the story.

Mentioning the protocol that is done before entering the palace is a pretty good way of world building without info-dumping. Kudos!

Dislikes-

Excerpt: '"We will search inside you if you do not hurry."'

Comment: Searching inside makes no sense. How do you search inside a person? By cutting them open?

Excerpt: 'Barely older than him, maybe for a few months.'

Corrected Excerpt: 'Barely older than him, maybe by a few months.'

Excerpt: 'Whomever he or she was...care of her'

Corrected excerpt: 'Whoever they were...care of her'

Comment: There is no such word as 'whomever' in English. Also, using 'they' instead of 'he or she' is more inclusive and less tedious than writing 'he or she' everytime.

Excerpt: 'Her handler... pinching herself.'

Comment: In these two lines it was mentioned that the character is unaware of the gender of the Dancer's handler and yet he says 'unlike his snow skin...' which means he knows the handler's gender. Also, the reader does not know what a handler is which makes the whole thing even more confusing.

Excerpt: 'As far as Tetsuya recalls'

Comment: Recalls? So this is all in the past? Then the story should have been written in the past tense.

Excerpt: '"Make sure she's got nothing in her."'

Corrected Excerpt: '"Make sure she's got nothing on her."'

Comment: We all have organs inside us. They're checking for weapons or any sharp objects on her body.

Excerpt: "Especially inside her."

Comment: Makes zero sense. What does the person mean by 'inside' her?

Excerpt: '...children's next life would be.'

Corrected Excerpt: '...child's next life would be.'

Comment: Since only one human form is being talked about, it should be 'child'.

Excerpt: '... the human form without a face...'

Corrected Excerpt: '... the humanoid figure...'

Comment: Human form without a face sounds weird.

Excerpt: '... Momoi perished as a child...'

Comment: Reader does not know what a Momoi is.

Excerpt: '... yarn of thoughts.'

Corrected excerpt: '... thread of thoughts.'

'... train of thoughts.'

Comment: I have never heard of 'yarn of thoughts' in English.

Excerpt: '... slithered in her eyes...'

Corrected Excerpt: '... slithered into her eyes...'

Excerpt: '"I have nothing in me,"...'

Corrected Excerpt: '"I have nothing on me,"...'

Comment: There are too many grammatical errors and a lot of things that we do not know (as mentioned above). This might make the reader stop reading.

Character Development (9.5/10)

Tetsuya:

We see Tetsuya sympathising with the Dancer. Hence, we can see he's empathetic. He also let her go without checking which shows his kindness towards people. The reader can understand that he is quite lonely in the palace as he imagines someone who is as enthralled by the moon as he is. Tetsuya also has a very diplomatic mind. In the third and fourth chapter we see his love and affection towards Ogiwara which is why he wants to keep Ogiwara out of trouble. In the fifth chapter we also come to see how observant he is.

Haizaki Shougo:

We see Shougo dragging the girl. He might just be doing his job but the reader understands that he's a cruel fellow.

Akashi:

When Tetsuya refused to sit with Akashi, the Prince was disappointed. This makes the reader think that he is romantically interested in the MC. Also, he is quite adept at working on people's emotions and manipulating them for his own use.

Ogiwara:

Ogiwara is the kind of guy who looks like a hulk but actually a softie. He cares for Tetsuya dearly and shares a brotherly bond with the MC. He is also an optimist and energetic but does not want Tetsuya to see how much his leaving is affecting Ogiwara.

Comments: Pretty good character development. I liked how we got to see how the characters' think and the reason behind their actions. It was nicely done.

Writing Style, Grammar, and Vocabulary (8.5/10)

I think your vocabulary is pretty average (in a good way). What I mean is that the words used in your story are not from Shakespearean or old English. Your writing style is pretty simple, it does have the aspect of show not tell, which I'm very happy about. But maybe a bit more about the appearance of the narrator/ mc ? Other than that, your writing style is great and so is your vocab. Simple and easy to understand but not basic.

I will not be mentioning the points of the first chapter since I've already mentioned those.

Excerpt: 'It makes it feel like he can do...'

Corrected Excerpt: 'It makes him feel like he can do...'

Comment: In the above excerpt the main character is being talked about who goes by the pronouns he/ him as far as I gathered. So, the 'it' should be replaced with a 'him'.

Excerpt: 'Nobody is that uneducated, he wanted to say.'

Corrected Excerpt: '"Nobody is that uneducated," he would want to tell them everytime they reiterated that.'

Or

'"Nobody is that uneducated," he would want to tell them.'

Excerpt: 'He lets the light wash over him...'

Corrected Excerpt: 'As the light washed over him, he imagined...'

Comments: One can't really let the light wash over you. It does not need one's permission.

Excerpt: '...most childish people here.'

Comment: How is being curious childish? Innocent might be a better replacement.

The description of Akashi's room is engaging and wonderfully written.

Your descriptions are so in-depth and beautiful. Love them.

— Chapter 2

Your descriptions. I love them so much, I'm speechless 😭

Excerpt: 'I need this. I want this.'

Comment: The chapter seems to be in Tetsuya's POV so adding Ogiwara's thoughts would be head-hopping.

— Chapter 3

Did I mention your descriptions are awesome?

The raw emotions 😭

I love how you've portrayed Ogiwara and Tetsuya's relationship, it's so wholesome.

— Chapter 4

You have reached the peak of descriptions in this chapter. This is by far my most favourite chap.

— Chapter 5

Comments: At the starting of the story the grammar was not as good but as it progressed, the grammar improved along with the writing style and vocabulary. No draft is without mistakes, just some brush-ups and editing and the story will be even better.

Plot and Pacing (8/10)

I'll be mentioning my likes and dislikes in bullets:

Plot-holes:

We do not know who a handler is. Foreshadowing is okay, but not giving the reader information that would help them understand things is something I'd suggest you avoid.

The reader does not know what a Momoi is. As mentioned above I would suggest giving the reader at least one line about what they are, since it was mentioned that reading the manga is not required (I am assuming that things like what a 'handler' or a 'Momoi' is, is mentioned in it).

— Chapter 1

Ogiwara Shigehiro had told Tetsuya that he was born on a full moon, but what gave them that impression? Does it have anything to do with superstitions and beliefs of the world? Does it have anything to do with symbolism? We do not know.

Excerpt: 'Well that was fast.'

Comment: Why did Tetsuya think this? He was not aware that someone outside was going to slip a note into his room.

Murasakibara calls Tetsuya Kurochin. Is that a nickname?

— Chapter 2

What is Fushogane and what is Shoyen? I understand they are places but where? And why are they being mentioned?

Uhhh... what does it mean by 'rises silently'? Can Tetsuya fly?

— Chapter 3

Excerpt: '... Ogiwara too, has been carried away.'

Comment: What does that mean? In what way has Tetsuya been carried away?

— Chapter 4

Likes:

We see Tetsuya wishing to be saved. This sparks the curiosity in readers to know why he is not happy in the Palace. Hence, they read on.

Excerpt: '...rained down on him when he was five.'

Comment: Ah, another thrilling information that fills the readers with curiosity. Nice.

I SHIP AKASHI AND TETSUYA!

Akashi hated Tetsuya? OMG it's enemies to acquaintances to lovers isn't it?

— Chapter 2

The scene between Tetsuya and the Crown Prince was filled with tension and made me scream at them to kiss already, lol. Anyways, that was a nice addition. Though, I'm wondering whether Akashi is just playing with Tetsuya to get what he wants or he genuinely cares about Tetsuya.

OMG! Ogiwara has gone missing? The plot thickens UwU

— Chapter 4

Comments: The plot is pretty good, the basic idea might be a bit overused but so is every plot nowadays. What I really like is the execution and how you've added your own things to the mix. It's not just some guy helping a royal become the ruler and falling in love with them in the process, it's more than that— there are other bonds, the brotherly affection, the tension between Akashi and Kuroko, the Crown Prince's plans and much more.

Genre Relevance (5/5)

I could see that the story belonged to the fantasy genre even without checking the tags.

Communication with Readers (0/5)

I did not see any replies to the comments left on the chapters. Reader engagement is very important as it makes the reader feel connected to the author. I suggest replying to all the comments even if some are from a few months ago.

Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

I really liked the plot and the progress I saw in terms of grammar and writing style. Not to mention the character development was great. I would suggest rewriting the blurb and editing the story, especially the first chapter. Otherwise, this is quite a nice story.

Extra Comment

I saw your 'Book Cover' chapter and tagging the designer who made the cover deserves to be known and usually people (especially those like me) are too lazy to type the username down and search. Hence by tagging them the reader would not have to do that but instead, just click on the username.

All I'm saying is that I think after putting effort into making the cover for your book, the designers deserve to gain publicity from your stories too.

Overall: 48.5/70