REVIEW DONE BY: loverdolphin57

It was requested by the author that I focus mainly on the emotions of the main character aswell as better examples of editing and how to bring emotions into the text. I will try to focusmainly on these topics, while giving details on other aspects.

Summary

This is a horror story about a person who goes down a narrow street to avoid a trafficjam, and ends up being transported to another world filled with mystics andsupernatural occurrences that have a hold on them no matter where they go.

I was requested to start at the prologue, which would mean I would end at chapterfour, but instead, I continued my review on to the fifth chapter for the followingreason:

Your prologue isn't a prologue and more of an author's note where you tell very littleabout the story itself and more about your inspiration and why you started the story.A prologue is not a requirement for a story, which is why I did not mind your story nothaving one, but a prologue is meant to give us a glimpse into the story, what it will beabout and what to expect. Basically an introduction to the story.

If you'd like your story to have that, then it can, and you can easily add it, but it is notnecessary.

Chapter 1

Chapter one begins by showing and describing to us the traffic jam that the main character iscaught in. In terms of emotions and personality, I got to feel how agitated and impatient themain character was, but it didn't seem to be enough. Try to use words such as groaned,sighed, to explain how they felt. Provide the reader with more internal monologue so that weknow what they're feeling and how exactly each scene and action is affecting them.

The scene in the traffic jam seemed to have stretched on for too long. You could haveexplained everything to us in two paragraphs or less, but it stretched on for a bit too long,which I also noticed that you tend to do a lot within just this paragraph alone.

It makes the story lose its hook and feel longer than it needs to be. More strung out.There was a lack of description in general when it came to location and there were hardlyany literary devices used in the chapter.

It then continues on to where the main character goes down a narrow street to avoid thetraffic jam and ends up in a new, supernatural type of world.

Taking into consideration your request when it came to emotional portrayal and expression,this chapter could have had so many emotions that you did not portray. When the maincharacter went down the street and ended up in another world, you could have explained tous how their heart thumped in their chest, how they were hesitant to look around the newsurroundings because they were scared of the unknown. Their confusion and disorientationdue to the fact that they are now lost and do not know where they are.

When the main character saw a new person, it could have been ranging from the womanshe saw on the roof, to the crying woman, or anyone else, you could have expressed heremotions from something as simple as a frown and her eyebrows scrunching.

Most of this chapter felt like it was being narrated by someone else, rather than the main character themselves.

When it came to describing surroundings, I knew where the person was, but most of it had to be filled in by my own imagination because very little detail was given on it. Add more descriptions of what they see and include a lot of imagery so that we can see what it is that the main character is seeing.

As the chapter went on and we reached the point where the main character was being chased, that would have been a perfect opportunity for you to give us the main character's emotions. Since they were being chased, it was a "race against time" sort of situation. You could have added how they frantically peddled on their bike to get away from the speedy crowd and how scared being chased made them feel.

This chapter was very chaotic, and not in the type of way that provides good tension. Sometimes, it was hard to keep up with where the main character was and what they were doing but I will admit, you left me with many mysterious questions that I wanted answers to. Who are the people around the main character? Why are they being chased? And questions like that.

There were many points in this chapter, where I thought the main character was in one place, but they turned out to be somewhere else. This could be because there is a lack of focus when it comes to location, description and what is taking place.

Chapter 2

This chapter begins with the main character thinking back to the events that happened in the first. In this chapter, emotions are portrayed much better than in the first, but there's still more room for improvement. 

You showed clearly how hesitant the main character was to tell their parents about what happened to them,  and how frantic they clearly became when it spontaneously turned from day to night.

One fault would be that, instead of portraying the person's emotions through actions, you tend to overuse exclamation marks in this chapter to show how frantic they are.

When the main character was unaware of how to handle the situation when they were on the roof, a clear glimpse of emotion was shown, which added to how frantic they seemed to be.

I did not get the genuine fear that I know the main character was feeling when I read the story. There were no similes or metaphors used to help me picture how terrified they were, but at least, I did get the picture of how panicked they were.

Fear can easily be portrayed by referencing how someone's body shakes when they're in a situation, how their heart beats so hard they can hear it in their chest and how they scream to the point where their throat hurts.

Try adding in things such as this when referring to how terrified someone is.

Chapter 3

In this chapter, the main character is sucked into a painting, and has to go through supernatural events, such as finding a mysterious girl.

The main character goes after a mysterious girl they'd encountered at the beginning of the story, because they are the only seemingly normal person there, but is stopped by supernatural forces and ends up back in what seems like reality, only to be taken back to the same town they were in in the beginning while in the bathtub.

There seems to be a major plot twist within this chapter, but what with all the hopping from one location and place to another, I couldn't really grasp it properly through the chaos. The writing within this chapter lacks stability, and the emotions are also not very well portrayed.

When the main character finds out that they're a spirit, their reaction was too nonchalant for normalcy. They should feel fear, shock, extremely intense emotions because of this.

Many details feel as though they've just been thrown in, rather than added properly to give them their own general intensity.

The second twist though, I feel was done quite well. It provided mystery, tension and a lot of uncertainty as well as unease. If the first one could have been delivered the way this one was, then the chapter would have been much better.

Chapter 4

This chapter is more or less like the rest of the chapters before this where the main character is trying to do something simple and then a supernatural occurrence takes place.

Here though, there was sligh development due to small clarification where we were told of the woman who'd been chasing the main character's motive as well as a previous plot twist from the last chapter.

This chapter was the most important for motive portrayal and it showed the reason why supernatural things are taking place, but it has yet to sync up with or explain why the street was a vital element. 

The part where you portray to us that what they were experiencing was a nightmare, which has happened in previous chapters, is not very clear, and feels sort of just dropped in.

The emotions in this chapter could have easily been portrayed by using actions such as sighing, gasping and screaming in moments of fear as well as in moments of relief like when their parents believed them.

Chapter 5

This story starts off with clear mystery when the father of the main character wants to take them away to help solve the supernatural problem at hand.

One thing that I'd like to point out is that your chapters are excessively long. Longer than the chapter should be to keep the attention of your reader.

The father's intentions and ideas were questionable, and it leaves me wondering if he was actually trying to help his son in the long run, because the experience after that didn't seem very pleasant for him. 

This chapter has the same advice as the rest, to add more descriptions of actions to help us understand where the main character's head is at as well as how they feel.

Overview

Since the writer had a specific request for this review, many of the other aspects are going to be omitted.

I did not focus much on the quality of the writing itself, because that was not part of the request, but I have to say, there is room for immense improvement when it comes to general writing. There is a clear tendency for run-on sentences, repetition of words and an overall lack of use of literary devices. One thing I noticed was that the characters were not described at all during this story and I do not know anyone's name, including the main character's name, so I'd suggest adding that into the very first chapter.

Firstly, I'd like to say that the premise behind this story has loads of potential, the plot itself is very well-thought out for a horror story, but there are a few things holding it back that also affect the quality of the story and the ability of it to portray emotions.

Descriptions are a huge factor when it comes to emotions and anything in general. There were many points in this story where you did not describe the location well, and you could have used that to your advantage to portray how the character was feeling.

A quick example of how this can be done is:

"My eyes skim over the green shrubbery that surrounds me like buildings in a busy industrial city, fishes in a packed ocean to the point where I feel as though I'm developing claustrophobia. Each detail is skimmed over by my eyes, I can't even be bothered to stare at them. I'm too frightened, too at a loss of breath and trying too hard to calm my racing heart to see them in anything but zooming images."

Similes and comparisons help you a lot in the department of describing anything within a story, because if you can compare what they're feeling or seeing to something else the image becomes much clearer.

A great way to portray emotions as well would be to use action or proper dialogue tags followed by description. For example:

"Let go of me," my vocal cords plead without my permission, but I'm thankful for their help. In my current state with frenzied thoughts and a body frozen to the very last artery beyond the point of normal function, I need all the help I can get. As a matter of fact, I need a miracle, but since when have I ever been that lucky?

You have to drop us into the pond that is your main character's mind, and let your descriptions be the boat that stops us from drowning.

I noticed that your story doesn't tend to have many dialogue or action tags, so I'd suggest looking into adding them.

Make use of adverbs and adjectives to get your point across when it comes to the main character's emotions.

The last thing I have to tell you that your story needs in order to allow the emotions within your story to get a chance to shine through is to edit it. This story, when it comes to grammar and punctuation is very weak and that steals away from the story and the immersion into it.

I'd suggest visitng the CLN Editing Shop for this, as well as reading more on concord, how to write in-depth descriptions and general writing tips, keeping to one tense and so on. I'm not sure if I'm correct, but from the story, it doesn't seem as though English is your native language, which is alright, as long as you get an editor and practice hard to improve.