REVIEW DONE BY : DaYeon_EXO

Cover and summary :

Love the cover! It's retro and just all round pleasing. Your colour scheme is great and the title is clear. The only thing is, I wonder how much it represents your story. The setting is unclear to me in terms of time and your cover depicts an explosion which the first five chapters give no indication of there being.

The summary is amazing. Love the play on the "survival of the fittest". This summary is engaging and leaves the reader wanting to know more. You've given them enough, but not too much. Just one thing to note there: don't start sentences with "and", it's a conjunction. Other than that, well done!

Chapter One : Pharming

Nice opening line. Opening lines are so important for hooking the reader and really drawing them in. You've done that and made me want to read on. Dialogue can be a really good and easy way to hook readers. The only thing is it's not entirely clear who's speaking. When someone speaks for the first time, they need to be properly introduced. Come back and add a dialogue or action tag to clear that up.

Same goes for the line reading, "You already knew". The reader has no idea who "you" refers to or who is narrating. Make sure this is clear. You should aim to avoid ambiguities like these throughout the whole story, but especially in the opening lines and paragraph. Clarity is key. If the story isn't clear, readers will lose interest.

"...did autopsies" should be "...done autopsies".

Also, just watch your grammar: I noticed your dashes aren't em dashes. Em dashes can be represented by two dashes "--" or the actual em dash symbol "—". The other thing I noticed was the use of "or" as a sentence starter. Like "and", "or" is generally not used to start a sentence. My suggestion for this paragraph would be to take out the second em dash and replace it with a full stop. Then start the next sentence like this: "It seemed too..." take out the period before "or" and you're good to go. Of course, it's up to you in the end, but it warrants a second take.

A great way to edit, especially for grammar, is to read your story aloud. This may feel awkward, but when you read aloud, you follow the grammar that you have written and you'll likely stumble in your reading if you've made a mistake. Then you can go back and fix it. This also helps prevent your brain from autocorrecting.

Pay attention to your grammar surrounding dialogue. Commas precede dialogue tags and periods precede action tags. Follow this rule: if it's how you character said it, use a comma and follow with a lowercase letter. If it's what was done, use a full stop and follow with a capital letter.

If I notice this popping up more, I'll add some example sentences later on.

Keep an eye on syntax. "...keystrokes she were waiting for". In this sentence, "were" should be "was". Again, proofreading will catch this.

Plot: it feels a bit like the reader has been thrown in the deep end. It's good to come in with the action, but it feels a little under developed here. Try to explain things a bit more. Make it clearer. By the end of chapter one we still don't know much about Oliver and he's narrating the story.

Writing style: here I'm kind of torn. The description that you have is nice and paints a picture in my head, there just not enough of it. Show the reader how Oliver is feeling; let them inside of his head; show them what he looks like.

The dialogue is great too, however there's too much of it. Try to balance this out a bit. Ideally you want more description and less dialogue. In saying this, your dialogue for chapter one does seem realistic. Well done there.

I just wanna make a comment on psychopaths. They have been seriously misportrayed by literature, so please, please do your research. Their minds are not like computers and they are not calm, collected, methodical killers. One of the items on the PCL-R is impulsiveness. If Oliver actually is a psychopath or you're planning to use them in your novel, make sure you at least take a good look at the PCL-R. If that's not the case, then don't worry.

Nice ending. Could've been a bit more emphatic if you'd built up the tension a bit more and not used "bloodshot" twice, but this did the trick. It leaves an air of mystery and keeps the reader wanting to know more.

Overall, this was a good chapter. A few tweeks need to be made to help it fill its role as an opening chapter. Set the scene a bit more. Introduce your characters and really build the setting and personalities.

Looking forward to chapter two.

Chapter Two : if-then

This picks up in a good place. Try using short snappy sentences to build the tension. Really convey Oliver's feelings with your writing in every aspect. This moment should feel like it flies by, but the longer sentences draw it out and slow down the pace. Also, try and avoid complex sentences. They are difficult to follow and also slow down the pacing of the story.

In all honesty, the computer reference still confuses me a bit. It might make things more clear if you cut out the keyboard reference. Try work on this metaphor a bit and make it clearer that the computer is supposed to be a mind (at least, that's what I'm assuming). Develop it and bring in comparisons between computers and mind to make the link clearer.

You have done a really nice job with vocabulary choice. So far, you don't have weird words that don't quite fit what they're describing and your vocab is not too repetitive. This keeps the audience engaged and intrigued. It also helps paint a more vibrant picture. Nice work.

Great to see more description here. It makes the story clearer and easier to follow. Nice to see the good range in vocabulary. Good ranges in vocab always liven up a story and make it way more interesting to read. "Owt" is a bit of a unique one. I hadn't heard of it before.

Watch your capital letters. You have a few unnecessary ones in there. "If-Then" and "Green Tea" do not require capital letters. Proofread to catch these little mistakes.

It also might pay to ease up on the brackets. Having that many brackets in a narrative is kinda weird. I can't say that I've read many books that use them. They're more for informative writing, kinda like this or perhaps a lab report. Find a different way to work those sentences into your story without the brackets.

Fix the sentence, "she ached through far too much and it was all my fault." "Ached" is not the right word. Try replacing it with something like "she's been through far too much..." or "she's suffered through far too much...".

Junkie gets a nickname. I wonder if he'll pop up again later. . .

In regards to the plot, it feels like you've jumped ahead a bit or that it hasn't really been set up. It's hard to comment on plot at such an early stage, but it doesn't seem that you're clearly setting it up, if that makes sense. Slow down a bit and make sure everything is properly introduced. The murder is under described, making it seem less significant. This impacts the rest of the story.

Once again, you have nice, realistic dialogue and your character's personalities are evident in the way they speak, which is really good.

Your description also improved in this chapter, along with the dialogue:description ratio. I really loved it. You painted the picture clearly and it was easy to follow along with events. Keep this up, it makes the story quite enjoyable.

The ending for this chapter was amazing. It has just the right amount of impact and gives the reader something to think about. This ending also gives good insight into Oliver's character and his 'true nature'. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.

Chapter Three : parity check

Your first few paragraphs are quite confusing. I'm not sure if it's slang that I'm misunderstanding, but some of the words just don't seem to fit. It's not until the dialogue starts that the setting and what is happening starts to become clear. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting, just a bit confusing. The reader doesn't know what you do about your story, so you need to be clear and articulate.

Love the section about what Oliver truly wants after leaving the hospital. It's a great way to develop his character and provides the reader with questions that they need to read on to answer. This is brilliant for keeping readers hooked.

The sentence starting, "our lawyer was in the passenger seat..." is much too long. I would recommend shortening it into two or three shorter sentences, as it's a bit hard to follow. Watch out for overly long or complex sentences. You've had a few of them throughout the novel and they can disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Also, try to vary your sentence length. The paragraph starting with "I lowered the car window further..." contains numerous sentences that are very similar in length and style. Variety is key in making a story interesting and your sentence structure impacts the flow. Having too many sentences of the same length makes the story sound robotic. This issue is mostly limited to that particular paragraph, so give it a look over and make a few adjustments. You could make a few of those sentences longer just to change things up a bit (by adding more description or joining sentences together).

"...then shut it closed." Here you've basically said the same thing twice. Just say "...then shut it" or "...then closed it". 

It's cool what you did with the distorted speech when Oliver's hearing aid was down too low. It's a nice touch and makes the story feel more real.

Watch your vocab choice (I mentioned this before). Don't choose overly complex or obscure words, because not everyone will understand them. Most people won't know what a "glabella" is. You'd be better off saying something like "a crease formed between her brows" or "her brows furrowed". Complex words prevent a clear picture from being formed in the reader's mind, which is not something you want.

Your narrative is also slightly disjointed in places. There are times where you've used phrases like "so I spared you..." and it sounds like this is some kind of letter to someone most of the story seems to be regular first person narration. It makes the narrative a bit confusing. Maybe change these sentences up a bit and really think about the tone and voice you want to have.

One thing I wanted to comment on was your chapter length—I think it's really good. The chapters aren't so short that nothing happens, but they aren't so long that they become boring. They are the perfect length to keep the reader engaged and to supply them with solid content. Surprisingly this is something that, in my opinion, is often poorly done. It's great to see that you've got it sorted!

"Achingly sorry", is a slightly weird description. Maybe use "desperately" or "unimaginably" instead.

Your dialogue:description ratio is perfect in this chapter. It's so much nicer when writers develop their story, plot and characters through description rather than dialogue. It gives the reader's mind the chance to run wild and that is a good thing. You want to provoke thought. Description makes a story much more engaging than dialogue.

Chapter Four : Stylesheet

Lovely start to chapter four. You depicted the school so eloquently. It created a really nice image in my head and it was almost like I was right there in the halls. The subsequent paragraphs were also amazing for building more of Oliver's character and giving us little hints into his past. I now have the question: "was he bullied", and I'm wondering if he might continue to be because of the missing finger.

"To Hell what they..." should be "to hell with what they...".

I love how Oliver's character is developing; how he's reminding himself that he doesn't need to conform or shy away because he's different. It's great to see someone create a character who's nervous to do this, but reminds themself to do it and actually does it. Most characters are either one extreme or the other and you've found the perfect middle ground. I just wonder what will happen now that he's not hiding his differences?

Also, the fact that Oliver reminds himself not to hide and follows through could be a great example for your readers to follow. Many might be inspired by him.

The listening in on conversations was also a nice touch. Just go back and check for a few grammar errors. I noticed some while reading. However the dialogue was natural and there was good progression to the rumours about Oliver. Great work. Oliver's mental comments were also great.

The paragraph on Ms Lance is amazing. Well done. I have a very clear picture of her in my mind. Honestly, she sounds like one of my old teachers!

The paragraph beginning with, "The Algebra II teacher broke...", needs more work. There are some grammar and paragraphing issues that need fixing up. It's too long and there's too much dialogue, making it difficult to follow. Just because the same person is speaking, doesn't mean you can't have another paragraph. Keep this in mind when reviewing that section.

Keep an eye on your grammar. Your description is amazing, but you have so many complex sentences that use too much complicated grammar. Keep in mind that while these sentences can be great from time to time, their impact is lost when you use too many of them. Also, you need to be extra careful while proofreading. I'd recommend going through and replacing some of the more complex grammar with simpler stuff.

Junkie is back! Yes. Oliver's nickname was a good indication that he might come in again later on. I'm quite curious about what will happen with him. This is also a really good time to bring in a familiar face. It helps even out all the new characters that have suddenly entered the narrative.

The ending here was slightly off. Maybe revisit it. It's not exactly a cliffhanger. For me, it felt a little like being cut off mid sentence. Go back and rework it.

Overall, a nice chapter. Pacing was brilliant, the description was amazing and there was a good balance with the dialogue. This was my favourite chapter so far.

Chapter Five : comment

The banter between Junkie, who we now know is Willburn, and Mrs Lance is brilliant. Love the play on "the dog ate my homework". It's like he took the chance to attempt to cover up and slapped it across the teacher's face. Also, that small interaction really gives us a deeper insight into his character.

A liar that fools Oliver...I'm intrigued.

Just a note on grammar: if you're writing in British English, then you don't need the period after "Mrs".

Watch your syntax in the sentence "how was Willburn and Junkie one and the same?" Also the grammar around that colon needs fixing up. Ask yourself if the colon is necessary and if the capital letter should follow.

Maybe replace "tsunamis" with "the crushing seas" or some other weather phenomenon. Tsunamis don't "circle" and no lighthouse is standing through one of those.

Love the mystery you've brought in with the person out to get Oliver. Maybe it is just paranoia, or maybe it's not. This is something the reader will have to decide for themselves and read on to find out.

Cut down on the semicolons. Some of them are really good, but some just aren't necessary and there are too many. Most of them would be easily replaceable with a period that would make the narrative read better. The paragraph where Oliver denies he's a transfer student is one where the semicolon is not needed.

You're still starting off a lot of sentences with "but", "and" and "or". I've refrained from commenting, but it's happened all throughout the story. Go back and change this. These words aren't meant to start sentences. I mean, they can, but shouldn't. If you're doing it for effect, then by all means, start with "and". It just doesn't seem to have any significant effect.

Again, Oliver is randomly "talking" to people. This doesn't really fit with your narration style. Try to keep your voice consistent throughout the story and barrage consistently.

Also, go back and fix up your capitalisation issues. Only proper nouns require capitals. You have a few to many mistakes in this arena.

Once again, a lovely descriptive paragraph. Well done.

Overall :

This story so far is really good. I especially enjoyed chapters four and five. They were probably my favourites. Here comes the secret: I'm not a fan of teen fic. Take it as a massive compliment that I genuinely enjoyed this!

Recommendations going forward:
1. Revisit those first paragraphs and touch them up a bit. Especially the first one and the beginning of chapter three.
2. Pay really close attention to grammar and cut down on the lengthy or overly complex sentences.
3. Watch your capital letters.
4. Be careful with your word choice. Overly complex or rarely used words disrupt the flow and incorrect syntax has the same effect.

Things I liked:
1. The description in chapters four and five was on point! It was, grammar aside, really nice to read and immersive.
2. The pacing in those same chapters was also really good.
3. Junkie. He seems like such an intriguing character and I'm curious to know more.

Once again, well done. Bar a few errors, this was really well written and I enjoyed it. It is a book I intend to continue reading.

Hopefully this was helpful and can provide you with some advice and direction for the rest of your book.