Reviewer: chaotic_naturx

BEFORE READING

When I first saw this cover, I was just amazed...and that's all I have to say.

Jk, jk...Everything from the woman to the sparkles to the smoky stuff at the bottom...It's just all masterfully blended. Especially the colors...It's hard to pull off a cover with so many colors, but it was done and it is gorgeous! One thing that I am unsure about on the cover is the subtitle. It doesn't really go with the cover. The words, the font, the placement, everything...Just look into changing it because it just looks so...out of place, y'know? Now, the blurb!!

This blurb tells me nothing about the story. I mean, sure, it's intriguing...But it has no oomph to back it up. A story isn't going to be read without proof that it's good. So, I suggest you make a real blurb with a real summary and real clues as to what happens in this book. After that, your exterior points will be finished! But, let's see how the interior ones are!

WHILE READING

Hey, Death - Dedication

Awww this is cuteeee!!! Grammatical errors, but I don't think that's very important for Dedications. Is it?

Chapter 1 - Out of the Window

Well, first of all, I would like to say that the little quote at the beginning really sets the mood. But, unfortunately, that mood is ruined by the abruptness at the beginning. This whole chapter seemed very blunt and it didn't really flow very well. I recommend describing their surroundings and what they look like and actually making the chapter flow. You wrote it as if it's just a series of events happening. It's not a story if it doesn't have descriptions that help it flow realistically.

There are a lot of grammar mistakes, mostly involving commas and punctuation, so I recommend you look over those. Now, for the plot, I'd say it's a good start, but it could be much, much, much better. Like, I wasn't really intrigued at all by this first chapter. !!SPOILER START!! I mean, sure! A guy dies and comes back to life right before the MC's eyes. But...there was no description. So, it didn't really get me thinking or surprise me at all. !!SPOILER OVER!! And, the way they talked was just kind of unnatural, so you gotta work on that. Like, a lot.

So, I guess, your lesson for this chapter is: Description is key.

Chapter 2 - Death's Purpose

Again, perfect beginning quote! Love it! But, again, it is completely ruined by the beginning. Try reading the last chapter and then reading this right after. It doesn't flow at all. A story is all about flow. You're writing every sentence so blankly that it makes me forget what's actually happening, who's back at her dorm, the tense thoughts that should be going through her head. But, there are no emotions shown. Just some slight annoyance at some parts, but annoyance should not be the main emotion in this chapter. Especially when it comes to Death's true purpose revealed at the end of this chapter.

Also, I noticed that I know essentially nothing about the MC except that her sister lives up to her parents' reputations, while she doesn't. That's all I know about her. It is sooooooooooooo important to introduce your characters in the first few chapters so that you can later get on with the plot. But, I've seen no development of that in these first two chapters, so maybe go back over these chapters and add in some pointers about the character. But, make sure they flow along with the story plot, yeah?

For grammar, it was better this time around, but your commas and punctuation still need some work!

For this chapter, your lesson is pretty clear: Readers should get to know the characters and their emotions within the first few chapters so the author doesn't have to worry about them not feeling sympathy towards them.

P.S. What's with the apples? Intriguing...

Chapter 3 - Hey, Sister

Dude, where do you find these quotes? They're pure magnificence!!! But, again, you need to work on cross-chapter flow. Also, I just have to say I am obsessed with the name Aurelica! I'm not so obsessed with the nickname Tells tho lmfaoo. Maybe rethink the name? :|>

Now, you really need to work on introducing new characters. There was no description at all. WE NEED DESCRIPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE CRAVE DESCRIPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I suggest you go back through the chapters and describe, yeah? Also, maybe show some memories Tella has of Aurelica so that we readers can better get to know her, so we can actually feel something when we think, Welp! She's gonna die! We should feel sympathy for all predicaments any character is in, whether it be bad or good or totally random.

The mystery about Death and his business is growing and I like it! But, I feel like it should be more impactful. Like, for instance, every time Tella mentions or sees or thinks about Aurelica, she thinks about Death's intentions and what he means to do with her. She should be terrified for her sister. Or, you can take it another route and make it seem like she doesn't care because she's bitter or whatever. But, I'm not getting any vibes of worry or anger or anything when she thinks about it. So, please work on that and maybe change a few things.

There are the same grammar issues in this chapter, but a little less so, so good job! But, still gotta work on it, yeah? And, possibly the most important, the dialogue is so unnatural and does not have realistic vibes at all. So, go back through all your dialogue and make them say something that people would actually say in that situation.

Your lesson for this chapter: Describe your new characters and introduce them in a way that will help readers sympathize with both them and the MC.

Chapter 4 - Death's Appetite

LOVE THESE QUOTES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, to business!! This chapter is probably the best so far for the sole reason that we got a little insider at Death's intentions and the mysterious death! But, other than that, you still need to work on all the points I talked about earlier. So, let's delve deeper into these points and how they apply to this chapter.

Description: Plain and simple. There is none. There needs to be some. So you need to go back and add descriptions. This means descriptions of characters, surroundings, emotions, and all other things we talked of.

Emotion: You need to describe Tella's emotions when she realizes the death. You need to show emotion in each and everything she thinks about when it comes to all the tension and weirdness in her life right now.

Characters: Describe your characters' physical appearance and personality. Do this by showing memories of them that the MC has. This is how readers become sympathetic for every character: through their relationship with the MC. This is also a reason why a developed MC is important. If readers don't know the MC, then there's no way they'll get to know the other characters.

Plot: The plot progresses well in this chapter, though it's still a bit abrupt and needs to have more flow and a realistic basis. It's becoming more mysterious, but we're also getting clues at the same time, so that's good!

Grammar: Still the usual grammar errors, so you gotta work on that in all the chapters.

Dialogue: The dialogue is a little bit more natural, but still needs some work. Make it realistic.

Lesson: The plot and all other aspects of a story must flow well and must be realistic.

Chapter 5 - Fatal Misunderstanding

Aww, no quote this time. Sadness :') Now, to Chapter 5! This chapter was...needed, but still a little bit ineffective. Like, she already knew her sister was going to die, so her reaction should be different. Like, she's denying it or something. It should be realistic, like real life. What would Tella do and say and feel if she was a real-life person? Probably not what you have written down. So, I suggest you go back and change those parts in the way I've suggested. And again, your dialogue needs work! Try to make it realistic (If you count how many times I say realistic in this thing and get it correctly, I'll review the revised version as well.), like what a real person would say in real life in that situation.

Now, about emotion. There was none. There needs to be some!!! Like, a lot. Tella now knows for sure that her sister is gonna die sometime soon. She should be freaking out. And instead, she's cracking jokes? Yeah, I don't think so. EMOTION IS IMPORTANTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO USE ITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

So, descriptions are a lot better! Like, I know now that Tella's hair is strawberry blonde! So, that's pretty good! But, it still needs work and definitely works in describing their surroundings and habitat. Grammar is the same. Work on it a bit, and it'll be great!

Lesson: Keep working on all your mistakes and you'll soon be a master of fine arts.

AFTER READING

Okay, I just have to say I was quite impressed with the cover and that really drew me to the book, but it was ruined by the blurb and the chapters due to the aforementioned things.

How do you fix them? Simple! You simply go over your story and revise, keeping in mind everything I said in this review and anything else you may have heard from anyone else. You can either do this yourself or request an editor from any editing shop (like the one on this account!!).

How do you not do it again? Also simple (though it doesn't seem like it at first)! You practice. And you get more reviews like this on every draft you write until you have the perfect piece. And then it will hopefully all come naturally for your next books! Practice makes perfect.

Now, I want you to keep in mind all the clear lessons you learned today, so I have them listed below!

Description is the key.

Readers should get to know the characters and their emotions within the first few chapters so the author doesn't have to worry about them not feeling sympathy towards them.

Describe your new characters and introduce them in a way that will help readers sympathize with both them and the MC.

The plot and all other aspects of a story must flow well and must be realistic.

Keep working on all your mistakes and you'll soon be a master of fine arts.

Now, I wish you luck from here on out with this book and (hopefully) many more to come!