Review done by chaotic_naturx

BEFORE READING

When I first saw the cover, my first thought was fantasy. And then I saw the title and thought, fantasy-horror. Interesting. I am definitely interested in reading this book...Mostly because those are two of my favorite genres. At this point, I just want to dive right in, but... Wow. The blurb was wonderful! I am officially hooked! I love how you provide some quotes from the story. It really helps give off an eerie vibe! But, I did find some faults. First off, grammar mistakes. "Time is running out, who can find out the truth?" These should be two separate sentences. Now, who is Rocco. You tell us that there will be twists with him/her/them at the "helm" but you never tell us why. I suggest you change that.

WHILE READING

Chapter One

Hmm. A great beginning to a humorous horror story. I loved the way you introduced that what was happening wasn't actually real. It's always great to add some humor with a pee scene. Can't believe I just said that. You introduced two of the main characters and masterfully hinted that there were nine more people going through what Nyx was. I loved that. I noticed that you used a double negative, but it was when a character was speaking, so it could have been purposeful. I also noticed that you overused commas in some cases and didn't use enough in others. There were many other mistakes involving punctuation. I know that you are currently editing, but I thought it might be a good idea to give you some pointers. The story is great so far and I can't wait to see how the story and characters progress!

Chapter Two

Okay, I love the introduction of the nine other characters, but I would have liked to see more descriptions of the atmosphere of where they are. You never really explained their surroundings, so I'd look over that while you're editing! Also, the whole lying-all-the-time/never-lying thing needs to be changed. It didn't really make sense to me. Also, define the other nine people more Like, as she can fully see them, she can describe one or two things about each of their physical attributes. That way, we know what they look like from the very start and it's easier to remember who's who. For grammar, you put "my Mom" and "my Dad" a lot, but a noun is never proper when it follows a possessive adjective. Also, you have some comma and other punctuation errors in this chapter also. Be sure to carefully go through those while you are editing! 

Now, to chapter three! Can't wait to read what happens next!

Chapter Three

You said this was a humorous horror. I can see you're trying to be funny, but it's just not working. The only character who is even remotely funny is Rocco and he's a psychopath (I think). So, I'd try to work on that. Maybe ask a humorous writer you like for some advice! Your plot is wonderful so far, but I really wish you would put more descriptions of their surroundings. All I got so far is that they were in a place that looked like a hospital, but there was lots of blood all over the place. I CRAVE MORE! Description is so important in a horror story, especially if you want to get that eerie vibe right. Describe, describe, describe! I cannot say it enough! I like your characters, but I think they need more substance. In the last chapter and this chapter, we got a lot of information for some of the characters, but there are still some people we haven't even met yet. Nyx hasn't even glanced at them in the narrative yet. I think they should be introduced to the scene before they are. There are the same grammatical errors in this chapter. I also noticed one instance where you switched pronouns for the character Rhys.

Can't wait to read the rest! It's getting exciting!

Chapter Four

This chapter was a lot better when it came to humor, but it was still, like, middle school humor, so probably try to work on that. I loved that we got to have a small look into Nyx's possibly traumatic past. I can't wait to read more about it! We still haven't met some of the characters and I'm getting really anxious to meet them. They should have been introduced in chapter three, but hopefully they're in the next chapter, 'cause I am getting antsy. Grammar is all the same mistakes. Make sure you look out for them while you edit!

Now, on to the next chapter. This one ended on a CLIFFHANGER.

Chapter Five

Ooh! The first game is explained! Great progress in the story. Still have to work on that humor! Your description was a LOT better in this chapter! Though, I wish I knew what the characters looked like. You explain them as muscular or tell us that they're twins, but you don't tell us what their hair colors are or what their eye colors are. This is important! Readers need to be able to connect the name to the face, so it's easier not to forget who's who. I noticed that you added a different character name in. Shadow. I think in one of the previous chapters, you explained that you changed his name to Tarron, so you probably want to change that. Other grammar mistakes are the same as the previous chapters. Just read over it carefully while editing! I can't wait to read the rest, but, since we only do five chapters for this book, my "While Reading" review is officially over. On to "After Reading!"

AFTER READING

I have enjoyed this story thus far! It is very unique! I do plan on reading the next chapter and all the chapters that will hopefully be published soon! Just remember, while you're editing, focus on these things that I've mentioned, and it'll be close to perfect!