Reviewer: Jae_idk

Author: Spinel243

Title:

The title, for me personally, was immediately intriguing. I assume it's a play on a common saying, "on cloud nine", that never really made sense to me. So it gets readers interesting as to what the story's about.

Description:

Good job with the description. It gets readers interested in the story quickly, especially since it's short and straight to the point. It might be a little too short however, I'd recommend lengthening it to give readers a better taste of what's in store.

First 2 chapters:

Description: The first thing that sticks out to me is that there are no details or descriptions in general. Everything's a blur, and it's extremely hard to imagine anything. I'd like to offer a piece of advice I think would be helpful. It's actually quite a common saying in the writing community. "Show, don't tell." So far, that's one of the biggest issues in this book. You're telling readers everything that's happening, not showing them. And that gets old really quickly.

Pacing: This is the second issue I've noticed. The story is way too fast-paced, it's like cramming information from an exam. You don't get to understand the information or details about it, you just absorb it as quickly as possible. Give readers more content to work with each chapter, descriptions would also really help with this.

Characters: Tetra seemed a little childish. Shyness can be expressed in many ways that can be seen as more mature, but this didn't really do it. It's confusing why she cries after leaving Lo willingly, and almost makes her come off as annoying. However, I do understand her motivations for not wanting to move up to cloud 8. I actually quite like that part. It seems like a simple concept to most, cloud 8 is better, the test is easier, so they should try to move up. But Tetra's reasoning is clear, and readers understand her tha way.

World: The rules to this world are very interesting, especially with the Reaping. It's my favorite aspect of this story so far, actually, how this world works and what happens within it.

Romance: I get it was your first time writing romance, but this aspect of the story really didn't do it for me. Tetra already seems to be pretty good friends with Lo, and her shyness comes off as annoying more than anything. It would be better if you made her seem more anxious, self-doubting, or even afraid of rejection, rather than just childishly shy. It makes me think JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY and not in a good way. In a "there is literally nothing stopping you just ask him out already" way. I think this is the "Will they, won't they?" trope, but for that to work, there has to be something keeping them apart. A fatal flaw in one of the characters, a secret they're hiding, obstacles from the world around them, something. Not just one character being "shy."

Grammar: The grammar was good, I couldn't really find any mistakes. The sentences are easy to understand, but a little too much so. They're shallow and too simple

The writing style doesn't give the book any depth, it makes it all just seem like words. Not feelings and emotions or events happening to characters.

Chapter 3-5:

Did a really good job describing Tetra feeling claustrophobic in chapter three. As a fellow claustrophobic person with anxiety, I could really feel how suffocating the crowd was.

"She burst into tears and knelt on the ground, hugging her arms close to her chest." I have a few problems with this sentence in chapter 3. I understand the weight of the situation, but to be honest it made me cringe. Spontaneous crying, again immature, childish, and it is physically impossible to kneel while hugging your knees to your chest. I understand her being upset, but her reaction was really... Unrealistic. Perhaps she could be in shock, cry silent tears, etc. But not start sobbing on the ground.

I feel the need to mention this again as well. The pacing has not improved, and it's gotten kind of worse. The story is way too fast-paced, it's like we're being force-fed a story instead of being able to enjoy it. This is a shame because this story could've been really enjoyable if it was slowed down and made longer.

Dialogue: The dialogue felt a little immature. For example, "Alright, alright, I'll tell you. Do you know the devil? You could call me... his 6th in command." Feels like something a six-year-old would whisper in your ear.

Tetra. I'm not a huge fan of her character. She passes out when the arena morphs into a track and field, which is both unrealistic and inconsistent with her character. She doesn't even pass out when people are crushed by giant lion-bears, but this is what makes her lose consciousness? It's a little annoying, and makes her character less likeable. Not to mention how she just wakes up from passing out and there's zero consequences or changed to the story. It feels like the scene was just added so the chapter would land on a cliffhanger, and when spotted, it can be irritating to readers.

Characters should be likeable. Especially the main character. It gets readers invested in the story, to care about what's happening. Tetra needs more personality as a main character, because anxiety isn't a personality trait. It's a mental illness.

About the previously mentioned lion-bears. There's no description of them. At all. description is really important in books, but especially when you're writing about something readers have never seen nor imagined before. The description of such a creature needs to be rich and thorough. Maybe describe their thick manes, glinting teeth, thick dripping saliva, powerful limbs, deadly sharp claws, swishing tails, etc.

I liked the twist that cloud 9 rules don't work when Rob is in charge. It raises the challenging element of the story.

Chapter six:

Make it more obvious that they haven't heard Evyn's name yet. Make the other characters anxious, worried. Because if not, it makes them sound like bad friends. Describe how each name that isn't hers wracks their nerves, and how they get more concerned for her with each passing second.

Chapter 8:

When Evyn leaves, the messed-up pacing of the story is made even more obvious. We don't get enough time to see how devastated the characters are, how worried they are for how things will be in Hell for Evyn, how their years of friendship are their best memories, how the separation is breaking their hearts. It gives the scene much less impact.

Chapter nine:

This chapter is... Confusing. Stuff isn't explained well, and I still have a lot of questions from the last few chapters. Why is Rob still here? Why aren't any of the angels stepping in? Who's in charge here? Why isn't God stepping in? Why have the demons waited until now to take over heaven? Why are demons a little stronger than angels? Why is no one but the group of the main character's doing anything to try and stop Rob?! Don't get me wrong, you're supposed to raise questions, but not so many that the readers lose track. Especially when lots of the questions aren't answered by the end of the book. You don't have to tell readers everything, but just make it make sense.

Chapter 10:

Tetra and Lo don't have any chemistry. I understand this is your first attempt at writing romance, but you need to give them a reason to be in love. Maybe they're childhood friends who know each other better than anyone. Maybe they're adventurous and make life more exciting. Maybe they have similar interests and love spending time with each other. And their affection needs to be displayed, and not just kissing. Affection as in when a character is in a really rough patch, the other stays with them day and night to make them feel better. Maybe they give daily presents or flowers. Lo doesn't seem very interested in Tetra, it makes it seem like he doesn't really care. They don't even get enough time to display their separate personalities, let alone what they'd be like together. When they end up together, it makes it seem undeserved. Anti-climatic. You need to get readers to care about the characters and the romance.

Chapter 11:

First, nitpick about describing Evyn's transformation.

"She groaned in desperation only to hear that her voice was changed too. It was more regal, demanding."

I find it extremely hard to imagine a groan sounding regal and demanding. No matter who says it, a groan is a more guttural and rough sound from your throat, it's hard for it to sound regal. And her first reaction to waking up looking completely different is to groan? It's more of an exasperated sound, I feel like it would be more fitting for Evyn to be shocked or surprised. Maybe she could mutter something to herself like "What the hell happened to me?" then you could reasonably describe her voice as more regal and demanding.

Chapter 12:

Again, I assume the scene near the beginning is supposed to be more action-packed and exciting. The lack of description makes it feel like I'm being told what's happening, and readers aren't told how many of the characters feel during this either.

The story is really short and the lack of description is part of the reason. Again, Show, don't tell. For example, "Everyone peeked out from under the tables to see Evyn vomitting black liquid." This seems like a more important point during all this, and it might be better described as, "They heard Evyn gag, and everyone peeked out from under the tables. She was hunched over, shaking in a cold sweat before her entire body heaves. They watched in horror as a tar-like substance spews from her mouth, forcing her to the ground."

However, this scene is a little gross so I understand if you didn't want to be too descriptive. All I'm saying is that the book could use a lot more description, especially when it comes to what's happening, how the characters feel, and the setting.

There also isn't enough shock or explanation around how Evyn turns out to be a demon and how Ava turns out to be an angel. Does no one care? How did this happen? Why did this happen? And everyone just goes on as usual?

Chapter 13:

The epic ending feels anti-climatic. Rob just... Dies. Like that. It happens way too fast, and it feels rushed and unrealistic. The stakes don't even seem that high anymore.if he was so easily defeated.

Chapter 14:

The romance feels extremely rushed, there was no development or time for the characters to develop as individuals.

World:

Still a huge fan of the world, I just wish there was more of it. I love how it operates, its rules, and all it's potential.

Story:

It was a very unique and interesting idea. The conflicts and how it might be resolved. It could've been executed better, but I love the originality behind it.

Epilogue:

Nice opening for a sequel. A little cliche but I suppose realistic.

Overall:

Lack of description and the fast pacing were the biggest issues. Slow down a little, no, a lot, and explain stuff. Elaborate on your world. The characters had no time to show their personalities so the romance felt so forced. Take more time, add to the plot, elaborate on the story, expand the world, give the characters some actual time to be characters, and you've got an amazing story because I genuinely loved the idea behind this. It's interesting and I don't think I've ever heard of anything like it.