Title: A Whole New Word

Author Name: IcecreamSundae5

Reviewer: CroodsGirl

 You have a very interesting scenario with this story here. What you excel in as a writer is dialogue and humor. I'll even go as far as saying that you write primarily through dialogue, which gives A Whole New World a screenplay-like vibe. This is a writing style not seen often on Wattpad, but I'm able to pick it up because I write very similar to you. I love the story's premise. While not totally original, you put a very unique twist on the "transported to a different world through a book" trope.

It can get a bit confusing between the two Zees in the story, so I would recommend giving them two very different personalities. This will allow the reader to understand they are indeed reading about Zee Thomson and not Zee Meyers.

Regardless of this, I enjoy how flawed Zee Thomson is. At this point in the story, I'm not a huge fan of her, but that's good. It means there is great room for character development, which I hope you will consider greatly as you continue the book. Zee Thomson needs that character development.

Nick's development is well done, but I do want to see a little more of the shy side of his personality, since you mentioned he's pretty shy, and that's why Zee Thomson found him fascinating as a character. You can achieve this through a little more description about his actions. Let's take me, for example. I'm a shy person. I shut down when I'm around others. I lower my head and start to play with my fingers. Try adding some of these elements to Nick to showcase his shyness a bit more. Have him stutter his words, play with his fingers, blush continuously, etc. I have a book that teaches young writers how to showcase emotions in stories (I believe it's called the Emotional Thesaurus?). I would recommend tracking one down. It will really help you when it comes to showcasing emotions in stories. Showing a bit more of Nick's shyness is my biggest critique for him. However, like I said, I think he is a little more developed than Zee, which leads me to think that you also really enjoy him as a character.

The biggest thing your story is lacking is setting and description. This is partly because of you screenwriting-like writing style. We never get a clear idea of this world Zee has been transferred to is like. A lot of the action takes place in hers and Zee's houses (Taylor Swift "You Belong with Me" vibes), so I would like see what these houses look like. Try to paint a picture in your readers' head. Lack of description with setting is a very common issue I see with young writers. I always give them the same advice: consider the five senses. What do Zee and Nick's houses look like, feel like (the walls, for example), smell like, sound like (the outside world, for example), and taste like? This is a simple strategy that one of my writing teachers taught me, and it works very well.

Your grammar could use some work, as well as the way you structure your paragraphs. There are multiple instances where you forget punctuation marks at the end of sentences, and you spread your paragraphs out in an unnecessary way, meaning that some of the sentences below each paragraph can easily be squeezed into one. Let me show you the correct way to format a paragraph where this is a big issue—in Chapter 2.

What you have:

"Yes Sara. Your Son is Charming."

Charming?

When have I ever used that word?

She looked at me amusingly.

"He is?" She smiled a little.

Okay Zee you've said it now you have to own it.

"Yes, he's the most charming person I've ever met."

There are lots of issues in this section that need to be addressed. Number one, always remember to put a comma before a person's name when somebody is talking to them. Example: "How are you doing today, Bill?" Son and charming also do not need to be capitalized, since they are technically not a name. You have a fragment when you say "Okay Zee you've said it now you have to own it". What we have here are two, different sentences. "Okay Zee you've said it" is one sentence, and "now you have to own it" is another. With that said, let me show you the correct way to write this bit:

Edited Section:

"Yes, Sara. Your son is charming." Charming? When have I ever used that word?

Sara looked at me amusingly. "He is?"

Okay, Zee, you've said it. Now you have to own it.

"Yes, he's the most charming person I've ever met."

This looks a lot better. We can now easily tell who the prose is focusing on during some of the rearranging of lines. Names are especially important when people of the same gender are talking, so readers do not get confused between them. That was why I replaced "She" in line 2 with "Sara". Now we know for sure it's Sara who's talking.

As a whole, the story is promising, for sure. It has a great title and an even greater cover. I was just a little disappointed when I jumped into it. Please do not feel bad! Like I said, I think the screenwriting-like writing style is fantastic, as well as your characters and dialogue, but I do believe you need to freshen up on the writer's craft, which is how a story is organized to make it look like a story. There is a difference between writing style and writing craft. If you're not sure about writer's craft, feel free to ask me. I'd be glad to give you a quick lesson. This is a wonderful story. It just needs some knickknacks here and there to make it even better. Good luck! Thank you for letting me read A Whole New World.