Book: Sixth Sense

Editor: mkmac23

Client: Rose1677

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Chapter 1-

Overall a really well-written chapter (the comments think it is too). The plot seems interesting (like fantasy but melded into a classic Wattpad love story but not really). I am a perfectionist (I rewrote my first chapter like 50 times) and this first chapter seems overall really good.

So, without further ado, here are my notes about your first chapter:

The story:

-The cursing session is a little much. I would instead have her accidentally jab her toe into the sidewalk or trip on the sidewalk and give off a string of colorful curses. It would just be unusual to see a teenage girl whispering bad words to herself.

-Instead of having her parents be talked about that early in the chapter, I would have them mentioned when Clary walks into her apartment. She could be looking at a picture of them, or a certain clothing item her mom used to wear is hanging on the couch. This would just make the flow of memories work a little easier. OR, you could have her see a happy family walk together down the street when she's on her morning jog and it reminds her of her parents. (You could use that in the fourth paragraph when she sees the child holding his mother's hand)

-You could introduce Adam in the first chapter (Just so you don't have to have so many character introductions in the second chapter) I would also call him the head chef instead of the master chef because all I can envision is Gordon Ramsey flirting and torturing people. I mean it's an enjoyable and hilarious thought but I would just call him a head chef.

-Also, I would have her pull on the ugliest uniform you can think of instead of a nice tank top. This will fuel her anger towards Adam.

The fluidity of the chapter:

(I really don't know how to explain how to make your story more fluid, so I rewrote it in a more fluid way during the parts that I thought it was choppy in) (which was more the end than anything else)

She locked the front door and walked a few blocks towards the restaurant where she worked for most of the week.

The Seashell Cuisine was a well-known restaurant in New York City that attracted families and people of all ages. But, unbeknownst to many, the cruel head chef and the miserable kitchen made it Clary's least favorite place to visit. She still couldn't understand why anyone would eat there, let alone bring their families along.

No one was allowed in the basement under the eatery, but Clary could hear screams coming from there. The other workers could too, but never complained about it. They had all grown accustomed to working to the tune of shrieks and cries. Clary had her thoughts about who was doing it, the Head Chef. He was held in the highest esteem at the eatery and no one dared to defy him or his assistants, two frightening twins who followed him everywhere. The head chef was a mix of trouble, cruelty, and pure evil.

To others, Hell might be hot and smell like the ashes of good. But to Clary, Hell smelled like seafood and rice.

Common Grammar Errors:

-I noticed that you like to start sentences with -ing verbs, Ex) Writing, Clary sighed as she looked at her drawing of Sam's lovely face. I just changed up some of these sentences to create a mixture of different types of sentences. 

-Another common thing was your grammar with dialogue. (The comma goes inside of the parenthesis). These were the only two things that were common. 

The story was one of the best stories I've edited and I'm excited for when you post it. I recommend reading through one more time before posting it. 

Story Format-

One more thing that I would recommend is getting rid of the emojis at the beginning and end of the chapters and the pictures. As fun as these are, they aren't necessary. You can keep them if you want though. 

Another thing is that it would be nice if you chose to number your chapters OR name them. This creates a conformity between the chapters. 

Also, I would put the aesthetics and the 'about the story' into one chapter. If you don't want to lose reads, you don't need to but I think it will make your story just feel better. Personally, I have my aesthetics at the end of my book to compare what the reader thought the characters looked like and what I thought the characters looked like.

If you have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask. It was wonderful to edit your book!