Book: 87 Below

Editor: SilverWarren

Client: NobblerWobbler

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I honestly didn't feel the need to comment on every chapter, since there weren't any majorthings to edit besides punctuation, a few typos, and capitalization. However, there are a fewthings that I would like to comment on:

1. Portraying Expressions and Emotions

-You tend to tell than show emotions, especially in the first few chapters. Instead ofusing the words like 'sad', try to show that your character's sad. Make his/her shoulders heavy,trembling lips, something stuck in their throat, fighting the urge to sob, etc. However, theemotions were slightly better portrayed in chapter 15 and above.

2. Unnecessary Additional Words

-There are some times when scenes were written almost robotically. For example, therewas a scene that was written something like, 'the tree that Atlas had selected to hidebehind provided excellent support for his weakened body.' Before I try to write this in adifferent form, I question myself: are there trees that would fail to support someone'sbody (not climbing it, of course)? How did it provide support--Did Atlas lean on it? Itwasn't portrayed on the scene. Anyway, I assume that any tree (well, most) wouldhandle someone leaning on to them, so I don't think writing 'provided excellent support'is needed. In my opinion, it could be written simply as 'Atlas leaned against the tree thathe had hid behind, peering out to check his surroundings (I added this because the nextsentence was about the condition of his comrades. I wanted to relate the twosentences). His comrades seemed to be in no better shape as they watched...'-There were also some scenes that had redundancy in them. I remember editingsomething like 'he stood to his feet.' Stood means that the person is literally on their feetalready, so I changed it to 'he rose to his feet.'

3. Uncertainty in the Author's Part

-There was a part where this was written: she cut the fabric into a template and createda sort of cling or messenger bag. 'Sort of' is acceptable, at least for me, because sheonly made the bag herself, and it might not even look like a 'bag' so 'sort of' is sort ofacceptable (see what I did there?). Anyway, using the word 'or' isn't needed. You shouldpick one: a cling bag or a messenger bag? Both are almost the same thing. Edit outuncertainties as much as possible. Uncertainties would be acceptable if the book waswritten from the first person's point of view, but this book was written from the thirdperson's point of view.-This was also written somewhere: she must have found the twinkling stars pretty
distracting as she returned to viewing them again. 'Must have' is uncertainty again. Youcan make this someone's thoughts instead so it would be acceptable.

4. Describing the Surroundings

-Now there are a lot of books that don't really need to focus on the environment toomuch. Well, I believe your book is in the middle (if that makes sense). The first fewchapters described the environment really well, from the overall appearance to thetemperature, to the textures. I enjoyed that. But when Atlas, Will, and Hope have finallyescaped the torture-puzzle house, I felt the lack of details in their environment sosuddenly. If you're going to start a book with a lot of environment details, stick with it.The last few chapters were a little too confusing and vague. By vague I mean the camp'soverall look (I couldn't really picture much in my head) and with Atlas' plan of attacking.Scenes that include planning on attacking, the environment details are a must because ifthey really were serious in saving Hope's mother, they needed to plan carefully, makinguse of what their enemy's base looked like. Where would they hide? What do theirenemies' uniforms look like (for me, this was needed because they pretended to be apart of them)? How big was the enemy's base? Are there tall walls? Maybe electricalfences? What about the gate? This could go on and on. I felt like the last few chapterswere a little too rushed.