Book: Mafia's Arranged Love

Editor: SilverWarren

Client: trima_r

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Gunpoint Annoyance

The first sentence of the chapter was a bit off. It was as if the character was the bulb in the room. Rio's first dialogue could've been stated more clearly that it was him who spoke. I also noticed that you start your sentences with the word 'I' a lot. Try to add a little more sprinkle of descriptions when you write your chapters, and try to make your characters look 'alive.' I edited a little bit.

Also, who is 'her'? Not a single girl was mentioned in this chapter before 'her' was mentioned, so I'm a bit lost on who is 'her'. Since it's first person's point of view (POV), explaining whoever this girl is would be necessary. Also, I think Vayden's thoughts are a little lacking. When writing in first POV, there's so much space to write about thoughts and feelings. Try to widen his/her view in what's happening.

Also, the nouns 'king' and 'queen' shouldn't be capitalized unless they have titles/names. Numbers above ten should be written as numbers, not spelled out. You also used 'meanwhile' and 'so' frequently. There are other alternatives, try not to repeat the same words. Uncle is also a common noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized unless there's a name following it.

The dialogue "Vayden freaking Bevin!" is used twice, with the exact same words. Try to add more originality to the dialogues so it's not repetitive. :)

Shocking Announcement

Viana's point of view was actually a lot better than Vayden. Viana seemed more alive with her thoughts. A lot of common nouns were also capitalized here. Note that you should only capitalize proper nouns. Some of your sentence structures were a little bit confusing, like the part about having a head on the table instead of the cake.

Contract Marriage

I noticed you have the habit of always putting the word 'so.' Also, there was a good number of times where you've mentioned Vayden's eyes. Mentioning his eye color once would suffice.

Leaving Home for Home

It's always good to put sentences that talk about the same things together in a paragraph to make it more book-like. Again, in the first part, there are so many times that you started the sentences with 'I.' Your readers would find this repetitive. Also, I find it a little bit odd that Viana names a lot of things like her teddy bear (which is fine, to be honest), but naming a lamp? I'm not sure if it's necessary to add additional names as your book already has a lot--with the two families and all.

I also find that some of your sentences were written a little bit too robotically. Phrases like "I hugged Bloom and let out my tears which I kept carefully controlled as not to be overheard" could be written as "I hugged Bloom and let out my tears as quietly as I could. I don't want anyone to hear my ugly sobs." As well as "I stopped talking as my phone rang" could be written as "I was interrupted by the loud ringing of my phone."

Laid down and lied down are two different things. The former is to be laying something down, not someone. The latter is for someone to actually lie down.

For the record, I actually like the genuinity of Viana's parents when they explained why they signed the arranged marriage. I expected they would only give the most cliche reason, but I felt the love from them. Maybe Viana should too. She didn't think about anything good from what her parents had told her, but I think it's only human to feel loved after hearing things like that. Otherwise, maybe Viana doesn't really care/love her parents at all.

First Night Together

When a character is speaking, and the main character's (whoever is under the first POV) response to it, whether they would just smile or nod, should be in a different line, or else this would confuse your readers on who's actually talking.

It sort of felt off about some of the dialogues, considering that this is indeed a mafia-themed book, so I assumed they would talk more maturely(?) but then again, I have no right to judge on how your characters act--this is only my opinion. Where Viana says the word 'weirdy-weird,' and Vaydan with his 'wifey.'

I also noticed something else with how your dialogues were portrayed, I think you use the word 'said' too much. Try to use different portrayals, you don't even always have to say the word 'said.'

New Catastrophe

The usual errors were edited here.

Dating Outside Marriage?

I find the opening a little random--with the hulk thing. Also, I think you can write more about Viana's frustration when she was ranting about Vayden, let the readers know how frustrated she is.

You use the word 'so' too many times, throughout your whole book. Even in dialogues, and that sort of lacks the originality with your characters, the way they speak, I mean. Also the word 'gonna.'

Hangout Ruined

When Viana heard the word 'love,' I got really confused. . . Was she having flashbacks? It wasn't clear. I didn't understand anything that moment. Also, if it really was a bad flashback, how can she bounce back so easily, smiling at everyone like nothing happened? Maybe show that she was at least disoriented or anything of the sort.

I also realized that only chapter one was in Vayden's point of view, the following chapters were of Viana's. If you're going to make a book with two POVs, don't focus on one. I think both POVs should have the same amount of attention.

Sudden Visitor

Usual errors were edited here. A lot of words were also redundant, so try to reduce that.

Al's Truth

When writing about Viana's mumbles, I think it's best if those mumbles were kept as thoughts, in her head. It's more realistic that way. Also, try not to let your readers keep in mind that you're narrating, make them live in your characters' head, like how did Viana know that Vayden didn't read her text? It would be better to make it as an assumption instead.

Been in Love?

First thing I've noticed was that you use words with 'First of all,...Second of all,...third of all...' It was becoming repetitive. Using those once would've already sufficed. Try using different words, to add more color in your book.

I also noticed that you've mistaken what 'whine' means. It's to complain. When Revina 'whined' that she wanted to be released, I don't think it's correct.

During the fight scene with Nafeesa and Viana, it's impossible for Viana to trip Nafeesa, unless she was walking, but she wasn't. Kicking her legs would've made her fall.

Third Reason, Worked

Describing Vayden's face as always constantly handsome actually grows pretty old if used in most of the chapters, try adding more adjectives. :)

13-15.

Usual errors were edited here. 'Blue orbs' was used too frequently though.

16. Running Willingly

Saying things like 'by the way' wouldn't be appropriate in a book, unless the book is written like a diary from one of the characters, which in this case, isn't.

17. His Own Kidnapping

It seems that Vayden really does love Viana, but maybe it's expressed a bit too much, in my opinion. I guess he loves Viana too much then. It was still a slight shock for me though, that Vayden is head over heels for Viana, it wasn't hinted in the previous chapters, I didn't feel their connection enough.

18. Special New Year

The plot twist is good: Viana killing her previous boyfriend. That's horrible. The way she explained it was very good, too.

19. Fall in Like?

When using the word 'whether,' it's usually having to pick between two options, with the word 'or' in between, like 'whether Viana and Vayden will have a happy ending or not.'

Since Viana calls Vayden's parents mom and dad too, this got me a little confused even though it was stated that it was her real parents. Maybe use a different label for her real parents, like, da or ma, papa or ma, father or mother, etc. It just felt off using the same labels for her own parents and for Vayden's.

The ending scene of the chapter was sort of unrealistic. Of course Viana likes him, I'm sure she knows it herself anyway. Not love, but like. Not liking Vayden all this time would be odd, because Viana keeps saying he's handsome, and she gets really jealous. I don't know, it's a little bit cliche for main characters to realize they 'like' someone after they've been through so much.

20. Paparazzi Kiss

Not much was to be edited here, the only major editing made was using scarecrows incorrectly. Scarecrows do not fly, not are they alive.

21. Devilish Plan

Now I am a bit confused. Viana had told herself that she wasn't sure if she liked Vayden or not, yet in this chapter, she's claiming that she likes him more than Montez, a legitimate boyfriend of hers from the past? Maybe fix that a little bit. Also, after Viana's meltdown, I think she became okay a little bit too quickly.

22. Jealous Unlimited

Not much was to be edited here.

23. Chocolate is Shit

Having Vayden and Viana go on a date in a restaurant is a little too forced in the plot, and somehow unrealistic after people found out that they didn't like each other in the start.

24. Escaped

I don't think it's necessary for Vayden to hug an injured Viana. . .sure, holding her close is fine, but hugging because he feels Viana would be safe isn't realistic. Besides that, usual errors were edited here again.

25. A Vacation or Honeymoon?

Usual errors were edited here again.

26. Pont Des Arts

I think that Vayden could have expressed it better when he had said that the bridge was falling down. There are also some redundant sentences here as well, like 'Vayden knocked the guard unconscious to his sleeping state.' 'Vayden knocked the guard unconscious' would have sufficed.

27. Merging Disagreement

It wasn't clear where and how Vayden got his wound. It seemed like it suddenly appeared. Make it a little bit clearer.

28. My Home

I noticed that you change your tenses a few times. Try to be more consistent. Also, Viana's feelings for Vayden are going back and forth repetitively. She's asking herself why she loves Vayden but in the end of the chapter, she's head-over-heels for him. This repetition doesn't only happen in this chapter, but for the previous chapters as well. I find it a bit cliche--although there are so many ways on how you can make it original. :)

29.-30.

Usual errors were edited here.

31. Love is in the Air

There were repetitive sentences, like how Vayden expressed how much he loves museums. That fact was written at least two times in this chapter. To be honest, I like this chapter, and how Vayden was finally open to Viana about certain things. Very satisfying, indeed.

32-34.

Not many errors here.

35. When There Was Me and You

'Lying lifeless' would mean that Viana is dead, but she isn't, so I added the word 'almost' to it. 'Almost lifeless' would be better.

36-40.

Not many errors were edited here. A few sentence structures were a bit off though, and some actions were portrayed robotically.

41-Epilogue

Nice ending, a happy ending for the two of them with proper communication and understanding, finally. :)) No new errors were seen here, only the previous ones I've mentioned.