Book: Deadly Sins of Eellendra

Editor: SilverWarren

Client: LorraineTubbritt 

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1. Eellendra

This first chapter is a good introduction as it describes the realm, Eellendra. Although the descriptions were a nice touch, minor typos (spelling errors, lack of commas, double-spaced paragraphs, sentence structures) were made here and there. Another thing is that I find that the order of your descriptions were somehow all over the place, it's best if you're writing about a particular subject first, before moving on to the next one.

Complimenting phrases such as 'it truly is a wondrous province' should be written after you're done describing the place and not in between (since you aren't done describing the whole place itself), as it will be a better way to end your introductory chapter.

Also, there are a lot of unnecessary spaces, like before a coma, before a period, and sometimes there are no spaces at all when a new sentence is started.

Willow

I noticed that you seem quite confused whether to use 'it's' or 'its.' 'It's' is a contraction of 'it has' or 'it is,' and 'its' is a possessive like 'my' or 'your.' As for typing numbers, any number below ten should be spelled out. Not much was edited in this chapter, only a few sentence structures. Very pretty descriptions though.

Secrets

When describing anything, there is a correct order of adjectives to use: opinion, size, age, shape, colour, origin, material, and purpose. I think you used too many descriptions in your character--sentences that had 3 adjectives when describing a character is too many, like 'smooth flawless pale skin.' Also, the word 'populous' isn't a noun, it's an adjective, so the sentence 'that's how the entire populous is...' didn't make much sense.

The Castle

Nothing was really needed to be edited here apart from typos, missing hyphens, and unnecessary spaces before the periods again. Very detailed way on how you described the castle though. :)

The Box

Minor errors here and there: alot is different from a lot. Alot is a verb. :) Another note is you don't have to capitalize the first letter of the word after the word 'the.'

Common nouns like the words 'king' and 'queen' do not need to be capitalized, unless a specific name is mentioned, like King Helix.

Noisy and nosy are two different words as well. Nosy is when you put your nose in another's person's business, while noisy means being loud. Sentences in this chapter were way too long, don't forget to put periods when necessary.

Also, there were some things that were mentioned in this chapter that were already mentioned in the previous chapters. I don't think you need to put these details again in the next chapters.

The Agreement

Kingdoms and kingdom's have different meanings. Kingdoms is the plural for kingdom and 'kingdom's' is just short for 'kingdom is.'

The way you described Prince Zoran was a little bit too biased. Make the readers imagine that he is handsome, try not stating that he is. I believe he was also a little too over described.

Also Princess Qadria's outburst could be written a lot better. I was surprised by the sudden use of curse words, because the book was written pretty 'fantasy-like' and putting curse words so suddenly from a princess was just a little bit shocking, as it seemed out of character, especially when she uses the old English words such as 'ye.' In my opinion, there are other alternatives when expressing hate in a royal-manner, without needing to curse. Although if you do still choose to make your princess curse, when typing out the curse words, I think also best if you don't censor them (putting the *** between letters).

I also fixed the mother's reply, some of her sentences were too long.

Forbidden Veil

Not much was to be edited here. Just the usual errors.

Fae Sakari

I was overwhelmed by the amount of new words that was introduced here. You should introduce new words moderately, and little by little as your audience will continue on reading. Seems that this chapter is filled with new words and it's too much. The dialogue with a different language seemed hard to take in too.

The sentences were way too long starting from 'In her mind...' Don't forget to put periods in between so that the readers won't feel too crammed.

Phrases like 'she is heading to' could be written better, 'she heads to.' This could be implied in your other chapters a well.

Master Plan

When writing dialogues, especially if the way you write your dialogues isn't consistent, don't use colons and then quotation marks such as-- Nica: "insert dialogue here." Write as if your character is alive, and not like they're reading a script. Also, when the same character is still speaking, you don't have to separate the dialogues as this will confuse the readers on who's speaking. Just put their dialogues between two quotation marks. If you want to add a little bit of sparkle to it, you can write it as-- Nice looks at her and says, "insert dialogue." Her eyes start to wander around as she adds, "insert another piece of dialogue here." Also, periods, commas, and any types of marks should be before the quotation marks.

When a character asks a question, don't forget to put question marks at the end of their dialogue.

Only one exclamation mark is necessary to express the feeling, three would be too many.

Also, in the trio's conversation, I added a little spark and 'lively-feeling' to it, I hope you don't mind. :)

I've also noticed that instead of putting periods, you put commas. Try to put more periods than commas in your future chapters, so that your readers could get some air from reading it. A comma is to connect two sentences together. A period is to separate two different statements from each other.

When a character is laughing, don't put the literal 'hahaha' in their dialogue. Just narrate that they laughed/are laughing.

The Ritual of the Keeper

Usual errors were edited here.

The Wedding

So many common nouns were capitalized here. Wedding, crown, platinum, etc. Remember to only capitalize proper nouns.

The Nupitals

Good chapter, to be honest. Although the usual errors were made, the scene is very detailed as usual. No new errors could be seen here, only the ones I've pointed out previously. I do have other advice though, try to be consistent with how many words you put in your chapters. There are chapters that have way more/less than the other chapters. Try to put a minimum and a maximum. :) Cheers.