Trigger Warning.

Alec Pov
It'll be my birthday in two days, and what better way to start planning for it then tutoring two kids.

I've been on break all week and all it consisted of was sitting in bed feeling exhausted.

I'm not sure why I was exhausted.
I hadn't been doing anything but I just had stayed put, with darkness surrounding me.

Or what if I am the darkne-

"Yo Alec. We gotta go babysit those kids. Or tutor or whatever the fu..." Laf trailed off as Martha walked in.

"Fudge." He said.

I smirked and followed him outside to his car.

Soon enough we were at the house and knocking on their door. A kid opened the door and exclaimed,
"Your Laf and Alex!"

...sure. I mean...it's Alec but close enough.

I didn't correct him though.

His mum came behind him and said, "Come in. His father and I will be going out for a bit and we were hoping after you helped them with their studies you'd maybe babysit them?"

"I'm not a baby!" Another kid said, coming down the stairs.

He must've been the twelve year old.

The woman sighed and kissed her sons forehead and left with her husband.

Before they left her husband said, "We'll be back around ten. I'll pay you then."

"I'm Jack!" Jack exclaimed.
"And this is my older brother, Fletcher."

"So, Do you guys have math homework or English or something?" Laf asked.

"I have math, English, history, and science." Fletcher said, going back upstairs.

"I have language arts, and math." Jack said following his older brother.

I stayed by Laf, standing in the living room. The two boys came back in with their homework and told us to follow them into the dining room.

Laf sat down next to Jack and started helping him with his homework.

"Alright so what do you want to do first?" I asked.

"Uh..none of it." Fletcher replied. "..math it is." I muttered looking at his paper.

"Aren't you like thirteen or something? How can you help?" He asked.

"Im fifteen..and a senior. Just let me help you." I said.

"Alright can you do number five for me?" He asked.

"No, I can't do it for you but I can help you. What don't you understand?" I asked.

"...all of it." He said.

Oh goodie.

"Alright so this is what you have to do,"

After I explained
fucking math
to him, I glanced over to see Laf and Jack colouring and having a grand old time.

The two of them started to play hangman.

I like that game.
It teaches you that saying the wrong thing you could end someone's life.

I stared into space, with thoughts being thrown at me.

Why does John like me?

I have a thousand reasons for him not to.

Lafs probably thinking about what he's gonna do later or making Jack happy or getting to have fun with Herc.

Tears filled my eyes as I realized I could only think of how much I wanted to go to the top of a building and jump.

I was almost certain I was about to have an anxiety attack or that I was going to go insane, but it all stayed in my mind and I felt frozen.

No crying,
no hyperventilating.

I just felt..stuck.
The anxiety all in my head,
the depression all in my head,
the PTSD all in my head.

You know when your seat belt locks around you?
But you're not about to crash?

It felt like that.

Anxiety and depression locked around me, but I hadn't crashed.

I needed to see John.
But I was exhausted.
I had no motivation to do..
anything.

I needed to see him because I love him so much that when I'm around him,
I forget about hating myself and only think about loving him.

Then I think how I need him and how I want him to be by my side for the rest of my life.

If my life even continues that far.

I was silent
and
frozen
and
scared.

Scared of what?
Everything.

Tired of what?
Everything?

Wanted to die?
Yes.

My hands shook and I clutched the chair.

"Alec? Are you alright?" Laf asked.

My breath hitched and all the came out of my throat was a sputtered gasp.

"Oh my god Alec, I'm going to call mum and dad. Just try your best to calm down." He said pulling out his phone.

I closed my eyes and wished I could just be gone.
Erased from existence for ever and ever.

My whole body shook slightly and twitched.

Kill me please.
Shoot me.
Hang me, anything just please do it soon.

"A-alex?" Jack said softly.

"Are you alright?"

No.
No.
Save me.
Help me.

I wanted to say, 'I'm fine.'
Again, only a sputtered gasp came from my mouth.

"Alex, or Alec or whatever..Erm..I don't know why you're scared but my mom says this thing to Jack and I whenever we're scared," Fletcher said, attempting to help.

I'm not scared anymore.
I'm horrified.

"Mum and dad are coming Alec." Laf told me.

"She says, 'All emotions change. You won't be in a scared state forever. It'll pass and the fear will go away." Fletcher said.

I don't think he understands.
Anxiety traps you in a box.
I'm trapped.

Trapped in a tiny box with depression and PTSD and I can't push through. The box is metal and I'm just me.
I can't break the metal.

"Breath slowly Alec." Laf said, touching my shoulder lightly.

I flinched vigorously and my breathing quickened.

~~
Foster home number one was the scariest. I wasn't used to anything that happened there.
It was all new.

The father of the family beat me.
His kid verbally abused me.
He'd get his dog to bite me.
He'd hit the mum with broken beer bottles.
And me.

Then he turned on the son as well and everything was chaos.
Then he kicked the son out and the mum left.

He took it out on me.
Starting the schedule.
Beat,
cry,
cut.
Why me?
~~

Before I knew it I was in a car with George and Martha and they were taking me home.

Laf stayed with the kids.
I lied down in my room.

"Alec, how are you feeling?" Martha asked sitting down on my bed.

"It's too much describe now. It's gotten out of hand. I used to be able to describe it. Not now." I said monotonously.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I stopped taking my pills. I replaced it with cutting." I told her, staring at the ceiling.

I heard her gasp softly.
She rolled up my sleeve...
the one without the cast on it.

"There's more on my legs and just above my hip. I know you probably didn't notice but I haven't fed myself in the past three days." I said.

She helped me sit up and gave me a hug. I forgot that these things felt good.

She said softly, "Relax your shoulders. It'll feel good."

I tried my best to do as she said.

"Good job Alec. Do you want George and I to take you to a doctor or a therapist?" She asked like I was made of glass.

"You tell me." I replied.

She nodded and said,
"We can do it first thing in the morning. Try to get some rest and relax."

I lied back down and drifted off.