Alec Pov
Have you ever been on the verge of a mental breakdown, and you just have to suck it up because you're in public and itd make everything worse because people would be
staring
at you,
while your whole mind just fucking couldn't handle the weight on your whole body anymore?

No?

Well it fucking sucks so god damn much.

And if you understand that, then
I'm
so,
so
sorry.

I get lost inside my own mind.
I wish it'd all go away.
I wish everything would go away and
I could
finally
be at rest and
finally
be removed from the voices grasp.

I can't cry in front of them, I have to fight back the tears.

No one ever understands.

So, you're afraid of dying?
NO!
I AM SCARED OF LIVING!

I used to be passively suicidal.
But now..not so much.

What the fuck does that mean?

It means never looking before crossing the street.
It means not caring about death.
It means being okay if you were to die at any given moment.

But now?

Dying is the only thing I can think about. The relief it would be if I could finally just be fucking gone.

But nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough.

Someone save me from my thoughts before it's too lat-
Kill me please.

"Yo Aleccc! We're here! You space out." Laf said chuckling.
I smiled.

Fake.

"Whoops." I said, shrugging.

"You sure you're okay? I mean you did have a little freak out earlier.." Laf said, looking concerned.

Little?
Little?

"No, Laf really. I'm fine." I reassured. He smiled and nodded.

How?
How is it possible that when I say 'I'm fine' You looked into my fucking eyes, and believed me?

We got out of the car and walked to Johns door.

Laf rang the doorbell.
We heard a loud crash from inside and tons of laughter.
Laf and I shared a glance.

John opened the door, Herc next to him and Fucking Sally knocked down behind both of them.

"Awesome!" Laf exclaimed.
"You guys riding in the cart?" He asked.

"Yup! Care to join us?" John asked. "Gladly!" Laf said, happily walking in.
I followed him.

John touched my shoulder as Herc and Laf pulled Fucking Sally up the stairs to have another go.

"Hey, are you okay? I know you'd still be shaken up about earlier." John asked softly.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it." I said. His eyes widened.
"Oh no." He whispered.

"You're not fine. No one is ever fine." He said.

"How would you know?" I snapped.

There was a loud crash in the background and Laf and Hercs laughter but John and I didn't lose eye contact.

"Because I've been there." He said. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm fine, John, really."
"Follow me." He said, jogging up the stairs.

He led me to his bedroom and Laf and Herc made wolf whistles.

I rolled my eyes and closed his door.

"Tell me what you're thinking right now. No hesitating or I'll know you're lying." John said.

"If I killed myself tonight, the stars would still appear, the sun would come out, the Earth would still rotate, the seasons would still change so why the fuck not?" I blurted.

After I did, my breath hitched and I desperately tried to explain what I had just said was a lie but I couldn't make any words.

John looked me in the eyes and he said, and I will never forget,

"Don't you dare tell me, I wouldn't sit at our lunch table ever fucking day just blankly staring at your old seat, wishing you were still there to fill it with laughter." He said.

Tears collected in my eyes.
"John-"

"I'm not done.
Do not tell me that your brother Laf would not break down in the middle of class because the teachers started talking about your favorite school subject." He said.

"Do not tell me that Martha would not stare in the mirror, with trembling lips wishing she could bring you home from the hospital rather then escort you in a casket to the nearest grave yard." He told me, tears collecting in his eyes as well as mine.

"Do not tell me that George would not begin working ever shift he could to distract himself because you're not walking throughout the house talking to him because you love each other." He said, his voice almost whispering now.

"Do not tell me that both of your foster family would not go into your room and go through your clothes desperately trying to imprint your scent of coffee and legit rage onto their skin." He said, laughing quietly with tears streaming down his face.
I did the same.

"And I know you can't tell me that I would not stare blankly at the gym wall after the principal announced your death to the entire school while I tried to convince myself that it was just some big impractical joke you pulled.
DO NOT
fucking
TELL ME
that one
bullshit
line of how the stars would still come up, the sun will still come out, the Earth would still rotate and seasons will still change because without
YOU,
you beautiful lil cinnamon roll of a human being,
none of us would want ANY of that to happen."