Walking down the hallway of the dormitory where I'd lived for over a year feels surreal; I'm passing by all these people, some familiar and some even more familiar, and it feels like I've gone back in time. I've even had a few people wave at me and in return I smiled back- and it really feels like I've gone back in time, to my first year in college, the first time I saw this place, the first time I met the same girl that is going to be my roommate once again in less than a minute.

         The first time I followed Ashton down this same hallway, while he carried my bags and, naturally, walked too fast for me to keep up.

         Speaking of him, this morning is pretty much the first time I saw him since our little scandal in the hospital almost a week ago. That same day he had to start meeting up with people, not being home all day long, getting his tour stuff in order before he and the guys would take off.

         And that day, coincidentally, is today.

         Which gives us enough time for him to help me move back to my dorm and get me ready for the last month of this semester – I don't even want to think about how I missed the first two – however, there's not enough time for us to talk my decision through. Hell, we've not had enough time to talk at all. We've probably said five words in total to each other over the past six days.

         He was angry about me choosing university over him, to say the least, and there was no time over the past week for me to explain myself either. This miscommunication mess is and forever will be causing the destruction of our relationship.

         The thing that's making me sick to my stomach as I walk past these people, every now and then losing sight of Ashton, is the fact that as of today, there is no relationship. There is nothing that miscommunication can keep ruining. This is it, I'm going to keep studying to become a journalist and he's going to tour the world. And that's it. That's it, almost three years we've been together and today is the definite end.

         Despite saying that over and over in my head- I can't really make the words sink into my brain. Like there's still some kind of hope left in me and I want to die for feeling it. I got more time with Ashton than I'd ever deserved, and I can't seem to help but want more. I know it's not good, first and foremost for him, but I want him and I want us.

         And I want to die.

         "Okay, we're here."

         I snap out of my train of thoughts as I hear him speak, my eyes burning as I blink- who knows how long I'd walked without blinking at all. Who knows how many people saw me and thought that I looked as if I'd seen a ghost.

         "Um..." I close my eyes and rub my face with one hand, "okay, do you have the key?"

         Without answering, he rummages through the right pocket of his denim jacket, pulling out a single key that's attached to a small dolphin keychain that he bought me when I started college. An even more intense feeling of nausea sets in my stomach at some of the memories from that time- God, nothing had to turn out like this. Everything that happened was so unnecessary, all of our misery was unnecessary and I will never forgive myself for that.

         He opens the door and walks in first, standing beside the door to leave my bags on the floor while I walk in myself; no, nope, this was not meant to be a good day from the start. I could feel the first waves of nostalgia and plain sadness at the mere sight of the campus and this building, it was bound to get worse and worse from there.

         "Do you recognize this place?"

         And of course, Ashton hasn't the slightest clue that memories have been flooding my head and vision for the past twenty minutes. As far as he's concerned, I'm looking around because the place is new and interesting to me, and not because every inch of this place has a story to it.

         "Uh..." I shake my head as I turn to him, not looking at him just yet, "I... don't know. It feels familiar, but..."

         I shrug my shoulders, finally laying my eyes upon him; he's looking back at me, lightly nodding his head, and just now I'm noticing that this is the first time since we were almost murdered that I am looking at his face properly.

         He looks good. He looks so good and I don't think he's ever looked anything but good. Even with the dark bags under his eyes, from sleeplessness or whatever, he manages to have a face better looking than 99% of people I've laid eyes on in my life.

         How could I ever lie to that face? Not just lie- how could I cheat on that face, how could I not care about that face, how could I bring myself in a situation where that face wasn't important to me? How did I allow myself for him to not be important to me? How did I let myself get to that point?

         "Are you okay?"

         I blink again as he raises his eyebrows at me, my cheeks now burning as I realize I was staring at him. I have to get ahold of my brain and all the things running through it.

         "Yeah, I just..." I take a deep breath, deciding I literally have nothing to lose anymore, "I'm just feeling a lot of things right now."

         Ashton gulps at my words, "Me too."

         "Hi you two!" Ashton jumps at the third voice in the room, as my roommate comes out of the bathroom, but I'm once again too caught up in my own thoughts; until he just said that, not once did I stop to think that this might be killing him as much as it's killing me. Maybe he's not just angry at me. Maybe he realizes my points and is-

         A pair of arms flies around me in a big hug, and I hug Tara, my old new roommate, back. "Hello, you."

         "I have so many things to update you on, you wouldn't believe- but I'm already late for a lecture, so we'll catch up in about two hours. You rest and I'll help you unpack later. Hi Ashton, how's it going?"

         "Good-"

         "See you later!" With that, the blonde idiot rushes out of the room, her heels audibly clicking against the floor as she scurries down the hall. And once again, Ashton and I are alone, for real this time.

         "So..." he clears his throat, "I- I'll be at home if you need anything until eight tonight, and... then I won't be."

         "I know."

         He nods yet again, "You just... call me if you notice you've forgotten something. Or... just, anything you need."

         "Alright."

         "Right. Alright, well," he gets his hands out of his pockets with a shrug of his shoulders, his palms smacking against his legs, "guess this is... it."

         And there it is, the three words I've dreaded hearing since I woke up this morning. No, actually, since I made the decision to be here alone, and not around the world with him. I knew they would come. I knew they would happen.

         I can't believe it's actually happening.

         "Yeah," I nod my head, semi-conscious of my own words, "guess so."

         I notice Ashton's jaw move as he bites his lip, and the look on his face become kind of... sad. It breaks my heart, but at least it'll be over in about a minute. I mean, sure, I'll suffer and be miserable for probably a year straight, but at least it won't be in front of him. And it won't be around him. Whatever happens, at least he won't have to see me falling apart as the result of wanting to spare him the pain of having me as his girlfriend.

         He reaches out to me, his arm inviting me to a hug; in less than a second, my arms are gripping the back of the shirt he's wearing under his jacket, and his are wrapped around my entire frame, holding onto each other for dear life. Okay, this is the worst of the worst parts – actually formally telling him goodbye. But I've lived through everything that has happened up to this point, so I doubt this will be the bullet that would send me to my grave.

         Still, it's a pretty strong bullet. More lethal than the actual bullet I received a week ago. The hurt in my entire body that I'm feeling is worse than when I was getting that piece of copper out of my body. I know it's only been about five minutes since we've walked in, but my hyper-awareness has made it seem like it's been a century. And an entire century of hugging this man would not be enough to tell him goodbye afterwards. This is all my fault.

         "Hey- hey," Ashton's shaky voice pulls me out of my thoughts, as he brings both hands to each side of my face to pull me away from him, "no crying, okay? This is for the best, you said it yourself."

         "I know." I still can't help squeezing my eyes shut as another few tears run down my cheek, not even caring that he's seeing me like this anymore; and then I feel his forehead against mine, his hands now moving to my hair and grasping it so tightly, I can hear a few hairs being ripped off of my head.

         "Please, Lu, I- I'll call, if you want. Every day. We can Facetime, we'll keep in touch. It... won't feel like I'm on the other side of the world, or whatever."

         His clasp on my hair loosens when I smile through my tears at his words, "I'm just... going to miss you so much."

         "I know. I'm going to miss you too."

         "And I love you, Ashton, I can't- fucking put it into words."

         His fists tighten once again, making me twitch at the pain coming from them, "I love you too, Lucy. So much."

         He moves his head to kiss my cheek, multiple times, one of his hands coming to the other side of my face and, well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting this to happen. I couldn't possibly let him go without one last expression of affection, and it brings me joy that he apparently feels the same way.

         "So much," he repeats in a whisper, his lips inevitably nearing mine, "so much, so damn much."

         My nails dig into his sides when his lips finally meet mine, somewhat accidentally biting his bottom lip too hard as soon as I feel it, his arms pulling and pressing me so tightly against him that I'm almost uncomfortable; no, there is nothing cute, loving, melancholic about this goodbye. This is me trying to rip off his hair and lips from the rest of his body, while he continuously pushes me into various pieces of furniture. This is plain violent.

         "One more time before I-"

         "Mhm, mhm."

         He doesn't even respond to my embarrassingly obvious eagerness- instead he just bends down, his sudden enthusiasm and burst of energy making him haul me over his shoulder. I yelp in surprise, but he's already carrying me to my unofficial room, the room he's carried me into like this so many times before that he could easily do it with his eyes closed. And this is probably the last time.

*

         "We have two shows in Sydney, don't know if I've told you."

         I slowly lift my head from his chest, my lips parted as I stare at his face in slight confusion; in my defense, my brain has not formed or processed a proper thought since he first kissed me an hour and a half ago. This is me learning how to think again.

         "...What? Really?"

         "Mhm," he hums back, absentmindedly picking at his fingers. His hair is still stuck to his forehead, but we've caught our breaths by now.

         "...Well, no, you didn't tell me."

         "Yeah, we've got one in Perth, then Adelaide, then Melbourne, then Brisbane, and two in Sydney."

         He's so sleepy. His sleepy mumbling voice is such a melody. On the other hand, I'm more interested in this tour information he's giving me – literally any kind of information that he provides me with is new. I am clueless.

         "So we'll be in Sydney... for four days... in about two weeks."

         "Okay. That sounds-"

         "So if you wanna see me, I can come by. Or we can meet up. Whatever you like."

         I sit up, not caring that I'm completely naked and that my blanket is falling off of me at my actions- "You- really?"

         Ashton shrugs, one hand behind his head, trailing his fingers across my arm with his other, completely unfazed. "Yeah? Why's that so hard to believe, Sydney is a big place."

         "So I get to see you again?"

         "Yeah. That one last time."

         And suddenly, all the excitement that began building up in me since he told me about the shows in Sydney, is gone; my body deflates right there beside him at his last four words. "Oh. What's the point, then?"

         A prominent silence follows my blunt, rhetorical question, and when I look at Ashton, he's- well, he sure is looking back at me. "Uh... the point?"

         "Yeah."

         "Well, the point is that... we see each other again."

         "And?"

         "And? Lu- you're not making any sense, what other point could there be?"

         I sigh, looking away from him; once again, nothing is the way I pictured it. Even when I pictured doing the hardest thing – letting Ashton go – this was definitely not the painting I had in my head.

         "Listen," I shake my head, pulling the blanket over my upper body, doing anything so I wouldn't have to look at him, "when I... chose not to go on tour with you, it was because I wanted you to be... free of me. If we're gonna be seeing each other again, what- what is the point?"

         "You're making it sound way more serious than it really is."

         "It is serious, though," I glance at his somewhat disappointed face, "I am toxic to you. You bring me pain. We keep breaking each other's heart, and it... doesn't have to be like that."

         "... I'm not sure what you want me to say."

         "Say that you understand me," I sigh, holding my temples, and feel him sit up too, "that you understand why I'm doing this like this."

         "Okay. I understand." he pauses, "I still think it's not as serious as you're making it out to be, but, if it means that much to you, then... go ahead."

         He kisses my cheek and all I can do is just look around; he doesn't sound angry, but just passive-aggressive enough for me to know that he's not happy with this kind of solution. He is just as unhappy with it as he was a week ago in the hospital, when he made a scene, cursed at me and stormed out. The only difference is that he's adjusted to it by now, but that still doesn't change how he feels. And I wish I could do something about it, but I clearly can't make him happy in every single way.

         "What- what are you doing?"

         "I gotta go," Ashton says, standing up from the bed to pull his jeans all the way up, "mum's still at the apartment looking after Kai. She said you can visit him anytime you want, by the way, dunno if you heard her."

         "Stay."

         Not wasting a second after my bold demand, Ashton's movements slow down entirely, and soon he's flopped onto the bed, his hand on his forehead. "Did I just have a stroke or did you really tell me to stay after making a fuss about seeing me again?"

         "I already fucked up this time by, you know, fucking you," I say flatly, and he only nods his head at my words, "so... if you stayed now, it... wouldn't really go against what I've been saying this whole time."

         He has a smile on his face, and I just know it's got zero humor in it. "Well, first of all- you're fucking insane. Second, mum wants to see me before I go, and I can't deny her that, so I really have to go."

         "Don't call me insane, please-"

         "Does anything you've told me in the past ten minutes make fucking sense?"

         His tone is harsh as he snaps at me, and at this point he's got his jacket on; and as much as I hate to admit it, there's no stopping him now. There's no begging him to explain myself, there's no elaborating my thoughts and ideas so that they would make more sense to him – he's gone. He might not me physically gone yet, but he's gone.

         "I'm out of here, I'll- actually no, I won't call you, I- I don't even know anymore. Goodbye, Lucia."

         Before I could say anything, let alone do something such as get out of bed, hug him goodbye, anything- he's slammed the door of my room shut behind himself. Good thing Tara isn't here to hear or see this.

         And for some reason, I don't feel as devastated about him leaving anymore. I know I've been contradicting myself a lot, but despite making these rational decisions about ending things with Ashton, I can't help feeling that it's not really over. Not yet, anyway.

          He is right. I've lost my mind.

*

this is long overdue and not exactly how i wanted it to turn out ????¿¿¿ but the main idea of Going Back and Forth™ is there so thERE you have it folks

anyway yes please vote and comment!!!! expect another part when ya girl's college struggles tone down which will hopefully be very soon!!! love you!!!!!