"Ashton-"

         "It's me!"

         As I hear his voice coming from the hallway, relief floods over me and I can't help letting out a sigh — I don't know why, but somehow I've developed an abnormal fear of someone breaking into the apartment while I'm alone, and Ashton isn't with me. So when I hear his voice from my spot in the bathroom, several rooms away from my crutches and everything I can rely on, I sure am glad to hear it. "Where are you?"

         "In the bathroom," I reply, shouting, continuing to towel-dry my hair. My heart speeds up a little when I hear foot steps just outside the room, and proceed to swallow my excitement and nervousness when he walks in.

         "Hey, uh..." As he stops talking, I take a peek at him from under the towel. "Nothing, I just wanted to say I'm back."

         "Okay."

         "And I brought pizza, so you don't have to cook anything."

         "That's thoughtful of you."

         "Yeah. And there's one slice left, in case you're hun- whoa."

         'Whoa' is the reaction I was expecting once I stood straight and whipped my hair back. I run a hand through my slightly damp hair, casually but the way he's looking at me is going to make me look a lot less chill than I intended to be.

         "I actually am hungry, thanks." I smile, feeling proud that I didn't mess up any of the words, and then grin at Ashton when he keeps staring at me with wide and slightly confused eyes.

         "You- you're... whoa." He ends up repeating the word, it seemingly being the only one he can muster while watching me untangle my fingers from the brown locks, almost black from being wet but once my hair dried completely, they'd return to their natural dark brown color. The color Ashton expressed fondness of in his delirious state a couple nights ago.

         "Do you like it?" I ask, looking at myself in the mirror, deciding not to act like I don't know what he's so shocked about. "I called my sister and asked her if she could get me some hair color remover. I'm actually kinda surprised it wor-"

         "Wait, your sister?" He interrupts me, seeming to have gotten back his ability to speak. "Emma was here?"

         So. He calls her Emma but I'm still Lucia. I don't even know why I'm surprised about things like this. "Uh, yeah, she also got me-"

         "Emma?" Ashton cuts me off again, raising his brows at me. "Emma was here?"

         For a few seconds we stare at each other, him with his eyebrows practically on his forehead and me with my mind completely blank. At first I'm beyond confused and I'd actually started trying to recall if they have some sort of conspiracy against each other, but then I remember- the problem isn't her. It's neither of them. It's Ashton's suspicion about whether or not she was the one here. This has been going on for months and I'm still not used to it. I should get used to it. I should definitely get used to it.

         "Yes," I tell him slowly, nodding my head too. "Emma. Emilia. So far I know she's two minutes younger than me and once you beat up a guy because he was doing body shots with her, and you thought it was me."

         I breathe out a laugh when Ashton drops his head low, clearly smiling at the memory but trying to hide is as he folds his arms over his chest. "Of all the things, she told you about that?"

         Not only did she tell me about it, but it happens to be my favorite memory from all the college parties he's been to with the two of us. The first few months of me going to college were our prime time. "Yeah. Some other things too, but I especially like that one. We've been talking quite a lot lately."

         "That's good," He mumbles, lifting his head, running his fingers through his hair. "So, um... yeah. I forgot what else I wanted to ask. Oh yeah!" 

         He takes a deep breath, crossing his legs and leaning against the door frame- almost like he's afraid that he's come off as way more excited with his last sentence than he'd wanted to. "So, uh... are you excited about getting your cast off tomorrow?"

         I smile, a little sad that he won't look at me but at least he's talking to me. That's something. Considering the past month, that's a lot. "Yeah, of course. Em told me I used to love cycling, so I'm looking forward to experiencing that again."

         "I was actually the one that got you into it."

         My actions come to a halt at his words; it's not about what he's said, it's how he said it. "Really?" I ask, holding my comb in place in the middle of a strand of hair, and turn my head towards his smiling face, my neck feeling stiff all of a sudden. "How come?"

         "Well, we lived a fair distance from each other and... I used to come to your place with my bike. And one day, you were at my house, and we were supposed to go out, downtown, and I offered we cycle instead of using a bus or something. And... yeah, you told me you hadn't ridden a bike in years and it made you feel like, dunno, you were flying or something. It was liberating. I mean I think that's the word you used."

         This is probably the most heart-warming thing I've heard him say. Not just since I've woken up from my coma, but before that too. I don't think I've ever seen him act this cute, all flustered because he accidentally started rambling and looking at the ground and messing with his feet. Actually, I've never gotten a taste of cute Ashton in our relationship. He's always been an asshole and expected me to find it hot. Which I did, but that's beside the point.

         I'm really liking him like this. We still have a long way to go but it feels like we're getting there. "That's... well, thank you for that hobby," I breathe out the last part of my sentence, feeling dumb about not having anything smarter to say. I wish I could just straight up tell him he's being adorable, I wish it was that easy.

         "Yeah... it's alright, I also got a cycling buddy," He grins, now looking at me- okay, where is all of this coming from? Is it because I got the blonde out of my hair? It can't be. "Oh and, your dad called today, we agreed you'd visit your mom on Saturday. That's five days from now, you have time to get used to your cast-less leg."

         I nod at the information, nausea engulfing me for a second there before I remember- I'm supposed to have retrograde amnesia, I can act completely normal and carefree around her. And my dad. I never thought I'd say this, but this is one of the good things about faking amnesia – you get to act like nothing bad has ever happened in your life and just start over.

         "Okay," I nod firmly again, turning my head back to look at my reflection in the mirror. "Alright, just- just take me to a bus stop or something and I'll-"

         "Whoa, what?" My head snaps in his direction when he cuts me off, his brows furrowed in an almost amused manner. "You're not going by bus, Jesus Christ, I'm driving us there!"

         Even though he seemed pretty confident saying that, the way his voice went up by a pitch or two by the end of his sentence is enough for me to know he's nervous about it. Mostly about being on the highway again, I suppose.

         "Uh, you sure?" I raise my eyebrows, a little unsure myself, "I mean, a three hour ride to Canberra?"

         "Yeah, I can handle that."

         Well. I'm still not convinced. "You know, we could just... we could take a taxi or a bus together, you don't have to-"

         "I said I can handle it, Lucia." He raises his brows at me, "Don't worry about it."

         He gives me a tight smile before leaving, and honestly, if I had a diary I would cite this whole scene so I can remind myself of it every day. Until things get even better.

*

         "Okay, how about you just- grab my shirt, okay? Just grab my shirt and I'll-"

         But that doesn't work either. During our five meter long stroll from my doctor's office, Ashton and I had tried out at least fifteen different ways to help me get to his car outside. But nothing works. Not me clutching the back of his shirt and him holding me by my ribs, as we've tried now, nor anything else.

         "Ashton," I whine, at this point not even caring that the majority of the people in the waiting room are staring at us. "None of this is helping, I told you we should've brought my crutches too."

         He sighs, coming to a halt and turns around so he's right in front of me. "Alright, I was trying to avoid this but I guess I have no choice."

         If I'm being honest, I might've exaggerated my inability to walk just a little bit; I've been hoping to get him to carry me out after I got my cast removed. "It's fine, whatever it is-"

         I yelp as he seizes my waist- see, I was hoping I'd get carried out by him – and I am. I'm being carried out by him. Just not the bridal style or something similar as I'd imagined, no, he's tossed me over his shoulder and my ass is on display six feet off the ground.

         "O-okay," I choke out, already at a loss of air, clutching his waist for dear life, "This isn't exactly that much better, but okay."

         "Watch your head."

         "You watch my head."

         From what I can hear, he's laughing, and while I'm thrilled to hear that sound 24/7- the way he's casually wrapped his arm around my thighs and is carrying me with little to no caution after I've just gotten my cast off, is really making me wanna kick him in the face with my good leg. But that would potentially result in him dropping me on the ground and I can't risk that.

         "Okay, now we're outside- can you feel that? The light breeze on your leg? The two hundred pairs of eyes on your ass?"

         "I fucking hate you, Ashton."

         "Yeah, yeah, I love y- wow, what the-"

         I take a breath to say something after he's stopped midway through his first sentence, but then I hear another voice. And everything makes sense. "Guys! Hi!" Calum says, with an evident smile, somewhere in front of Ashton and my ass. Right now, I hate him too.

         "H-hey!" Ashton says, coming to a halt, and as he stops I notice we're right next to his repaired car. There's one good thing, at least. "What're you doing here?"

         "Mali had some weird stomach ache so I drove her to the hospital," Calum explains, "Then I saw your car and decided to see if you guys would finish before her. And you did. I've only been here for a couple minutes. And hey, they did a good job, huh, it almost looks untouched."

         "Yeah, I wish Lucy's brain was untouched too," Ashton comments, causing me to bite my lip, "But I feel like she's coming back, you know, not her memory, but her personality for sure."

         "Did the old Lucy want to stick a cactus up your ass 24/7?" I speak up, getting a little irritated that the two of them are having a jolly chat by his car and I'm literally hanging here like a piñata.

         "No, well- you did want to, like, 12/7," He responds, and I'm already hating where this is going. "And the other twelve you wanted my cactus up your ass, but that's a whole different story."

         "Oh my god," I breathe out, bringing both hands to cover my face, while Calum is losing his shit on the other side, and Ashton probably has the most annoying grin on his face. "I hate everything and everyone and especially the two of you."

         "Don't be so coarse, lovebug, if you had your memory you'd know I'm not just talking shit."

         "Oh my god," This time it's Calum that's choking the words out, barely getting them out from laughing so hard- I really do hate them both. "You know what, I love that you guys are like this, it's been so tense since Lu came from the hospital, yeah? Like I can't even imagine what's it like to be with someone for so long and then one day they don't even know your name."

         Okay, now I hate Calum a little less. "Yeah, well, she's talking to her dad all the time, and now her sister too-"

         "And my friends from college are gonna visit me next week!"

         "-and, yeah, the friends too. And there's also me. So, you know, we're getting used to it."

         "Can you at least put me on the ground so this looks more rational?"

         Ashton breathes out a laugh at my request before actually listening to it, and Calum chuckles before speaking, "So does this mean you're not seeing the blonde from Woolies anymore?"

         My feet touch the ground as soon as the words leave his mouth, and while my good leg would've been enough to keep me balanced- it's as if I lose all bones in my body at Calum's question and I'm facing Ashton's car's tire within half a second. I try getting myself at least in a sitting position with my hands, but nothing works; they're too shaky, too sweaty, too numb for any kind of action. I only have one question and it's for Calum: why. Why.

         "Um... uh..." I hear Ashton mumbling while he hurriedly tries to get me up, but it's like my body doesn't want to cooperate with him even though I don't want to be lying on the ground. After a good thirty seconds of getting me to stand on my own feet, needing help from Cal too, I can hear him asking me if I'm alright while I'm trying to control the dizziness in my head.

         "I'm good, I'm good," I tell him, clearing my throat, leaning against the car once I gain back my stability. "Can you unlock the door for me please? It'd be a lot easier if I just sat down."

         "Yeah, 'course," Ashton mutters, digging through his pocket to find the car key; I love how he can go from playful and teasing and borderline offensive to sweet and caring and borderline worried. And I bet the girl from Woolies appreciates that too.

         I shake my head lightly and give him a tight smile after he opens the door for me too, and I slide into the passenger's seat before I can hear them say anything else. I keep my elbows against my thighs and my hands on my face, praying to god Mali would come out of the building soon and Calum would have to leave. I just want to go home and not be in anyone's presence for a few hours.

         Fortunately, not a minute later, I hear the door on Ashton's side open and close quickly after, allowing me to take my hands off of my face and lean back in my seat. This is going to be one hell of an awkward car ride, at least for me.

         "So, Mali saw you through the windshield," He starts, with a small sigh; yeah, I'm definitely the only one that's feeling awkward. "And she noticed your hair. And she actually got sorta excited about it. Told me to tell you to post a picture on Instagram."

         I form a tight smile, somewhat genuine, "That's... sweet of her."

         "And Cal didn't actually notice until she pointed it out."

         "That sounds like something Calum would do."

         Ashton chuckles at my words, looking behind himself as he gets the car out of the parking lot, while I try to come up with the most subtle way to ask about what's on my mind. "So," I clear my throat, "Who's the girl from Woolies?"

         Goddamn, I won't be able to walk into another Woolworths for as long as I know Ashton is seeing someone from that supermarket.

         "Uh, well," He begins, rather awkwardly- he's slowly joining the club, I see. "Just this girl that helped me and Cal around when we were buying stuff for his party, no big deal."

         "Do you date everyone that helps you guys around groceries?"

         Afraid that I might have taken it a bit too far, I bite my lip and actually feel relieved when he breathes out a laugh at my question. "Well, no. Just the ones that have to waste half an hour of their lives on our stupid selves."

         I nod, keeping quiet for a minute or so. Wondering if it would last until we get home. "What's her name?" The answer is no.

         "Uh, Britt. Brittany."

         "Brittany."

         "Brittany."

         Nodding again, I try looking around at the scenery to take my mind off Brittany 'Britt' from Woolies. And I already know that this is going to be the longest car ride of my life- our lives, because I cannot find it in me to keep my mouth shut. "Is she pretty?"

         I'm actually quite proud that I've managed to sound like a five year old asking their babysitter about their girlfriend- but in the same time I feel like an idiot because Ashton can see right through me. "I know what you're doing," He says, after he's done laughing, "You should stop."

         I pull my lips between my teeth, crossing my legs in my seat- I'm about to ruin everything I've been fighting for for a month and I won't regret a second of it. "Has she been your 'unexpected gig' these days?"

         Ashton sighs, "Lucia."

         "Is she the reason you're coming home at night four hours late?"

         "Lucia."

         "Is she the reason you've been so awfully nice and cheery lately?"

         He sighs again, and a few seconds pass before he shakes his head. "I'm not having this conversation."

         "Why?" I nag, "You always want to know if I'm seeing anyone. Even though this is the first time I've actually set foot outside of the apartment and interacted with someone that isn't my family and isn't your band mates. Besides, you always interrogate me about having anyone over, right? Even if it's my sister. Even if you were gone for ten minutes."

         I keep watching him, almost admiring the way he's dodging my questions and denying the truth in what I'd just said- ultimately, I know it's none of my business and I know I'll grow not to care about it too. But I just can't believe the true, genuine, hypocritical asshole Ashton has grown into.

         With a small sigh, I lean back in my seat, now one hundred percent focused on the scenery. "Alright then."

*

i'm on summer break but i'm working on my driver's license and i need to concentrate on that, so i hope updates like this will be fine c:

is anyone even reading this anymore hello (please vote and comment if you do (i love you))