A/N: Clean got first place in the 5sos awards from a little while ago!! Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me. it means the world and I love you

CALUM

The more I spend time with Ashton, the more I realize there couldn't be two more different people than Ashton and Luke.

Everything about living with Ashton is different than living with Luke. For one, Ashton enjoys getting up in the morning and cooking breakfast, which Luke would never in a million years do. Ashton is also always very optimistic, a smile on his face no matter what and arms that are always ready for a hug. Seeing Luke smile and laugh wasn't exactly an everyday occurrence. Luke also never let me cuddle with him while we were sleeping. He just never liked it. Ashton, however, automatically lets me tuck myself into his frame without question.

I haven't seen Luke in about a month, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I can still vividly remember everything about him, his electric blue eyes and charming smile, the way he walked and the way he introduced himself to authorities. I still remember the way his lip ring felt cold against my skin whenever he kissed me, and I remember the feeling I got in my chest whenever he complimented me.

But I also remember the force in his fist whenever he punched my jaw and gave my  a black eye for weeks. I still remember the way his voice carried through the house whenever he raised it, and I remember the faint tug on the necklace around my neck whenever I did something he didn't like. I remember both the good and bad parts of Luke.

Now that I've put distance between us and I am no longer stuck to his side like we were stitched together, I can feel the connection between us fading into nothingness. When he threw the glass vase at me and it shattered against the wall as Ashton dragged me out of the house, I was devastated, because my entire body still bloomed with love for him. I had loved him for five years straight, and I figured I would keep loving him forever.

But now that I've had this taste of freedom and happiness on my skin, and now that I haven't had to see his familiar face in a while, I realized that my love for him has faded immensely. I'm not sure whether I was in love with him, or if I was in love with the idea of him.

I don't regret leaving as much as I thought I would. It's odd not having to watch what I say all the time, and to be able to not worry about hiding any fresh bruises on my skin, but it's also relieving in a way that I never thought it would be.

Ashton has had his mum come to his house and check up on me, considering Luke made us leave the hospital early. She checked on my concussion, making sure it hadn't gotten worse, and then made sure everything else was healing. She and Ashton were shocked at the number of bruises still littering my skin, and Ashton's eyes filled with tears before he turned away so I wouldn't see them drop down his cheeks.

Seeing Ashton's reaction and his mother's concerned glances was a reality check, the realization that relationships aren't supposed to cause bruises like mine. Something I definitely didn't know while I was still under Luke's hold.

During breakfast this morning, Ashton told me that he wants to go visit his family for the day. He told me that there's a firework show that the neighborhood puts on for fun, and he wants to take me to go meet them.

So I stand in my bedroom, shrugging on a jacket and fixing my hair in the mirror. It's started to grow out a little longer than Luke let it be, and I've grown to love it.

Once I slip on a pair of shoes and brush my teeth, I walk out into the hallway, seeing Ashton picking up his keys by the front door. He sees me and smiles.

"Are you ready?" he asks, and I nod. We walk out the door, heading towards Ashton's car, and I grow a bit nervous about spending the day with Ashton's family. I've already met Ashton's mother, but he told me about his two younger siblings, and I'm not sure what to expect from them. If they are anything like Ashton, then surely they would be kind, but that still doesn't stop my hands from shaking.

I sit in the passenger seat while Ashton drives, humming light to himself as he does. I stare out the window, leaning against the glass. I can feel Ashton occasionally glance at me as he drives, and I see him smile out of the corner of my eye.

My nerves melt away a bit at his smile, and I can't help but feel like a small weight was lifted off my shoulders, making me breath in a deep breath into my lungs. Ashton has a way of making me feel relaxed and safe at the same time, the stress melting off my skin.

Ashton sings along to the radio as we drive into another neighborhood road, his voice shockingly talented. He drums on the wheel happily before pulling into the driveway of a cozy looking home, plants decorating the porch and flowers hanging by the door.

Ashton lets out a breath and twists the key, turning the car off. I slowly exit the car, wrapping my arms around myself as I join Ashton on the driveway. The air smells sweet, and I can tell Ashton looks at this place like home. He gives me a smile and together we walk side by side up the porch to the front door. Ashton lifts his fist and knocks politely.

The door opens to reveal Ashton's mum, and I almost don't recognize her outside of her work clothes. She gives us both a big smile. "Oh, I'm so glad you boys are here!" She leans in and gives Ashton a hug.

The act of affection shakes me up a bit. I can't exactly remember the last time my mother gave me a hug for no particular reason.

Ashton's mum turns to me, her smile still bright, but I can see her eyes cautious, still sympathetic from everything she's seen me go through. I look down at my shoes.

"Well, come on in!" she says, breaking the silence and stepping aside. Ashton leads me inside, and the house smells like candles and lavender. I stay by Ashton's side as we walk into the kitchen, feeling a bit out of place.

Ashton and his mum talk cheerfully to each other while I sit beside Ashton, enjoying how well they get along. I can tell she means a lot to him.

As they talk, two smaller figures burst into the kitchen, sprinting around the kitchen and circling the table in what seems to be a game of chase. They both are yelling loudly, big smiles on their faces as they shout to one another, knocking into the table as they try and get to one another.

Their loud voices makes my heart rate pick up. I shut my eyes, trying to find a quiet place in my mind, but their shouts bleed into my brain, seeping down until it makes my hands and knees start to shake.

"Take your game somewhere else, kids," Ashton's mum calls to them fondly, and they give another few bone-shakingly loud shouts before running out of the kitchen and down the hallway.

I don't realize how bad I'm shaking until Ashton places a concerned hand on my leg, startling me. "Hey, are you okay?" he asks, his voice sounding far away in my mind. The throbbing of my heart fills my ears instead, dancing to the beat of my traumatized mind.

Ashton gently wipes away a few tears I didn't realize was on my cheeks, and he takes my face in his hands. "Listen to me, Calum. Listen to my voice. You're okay. You're safe."

It takes all of my willpower to open my eyes, and I find Ashton's worried hazel ones looking into mine. The crease between his eyebrows deepens in concern.

"I-I'm sorry," I say apologetically, feeling horrible for creating such a scene. Ashton's hands drop from my face, sitting on my knees instead. They tremble under his palm.

"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong," Ashton says softly. He rubs my arms comfortingly in an effort to calm me down. My heart slows down, and I begin to regain my breath again.

I focus on my breathing for the next couple of minutes, trying to get rid of the echo of loud voices in my head. I bite down hard on my bottom lip unhappily.

"Come here," Ashton says, opening his arms. I put down my guard, giving in and letting him wrap me in his embrace. His skin is warm, his curly hair tickling the tips of my ears. He doesn't say anything but holds me tight, and I slowly stop shaking.

Ashton's mum goes off to tell Ashton's siblings to calm down, and Ashton runs his hands through my hair. I can't help but feel relieved at Ashton's kindness. Every step of the way to healing, he is there by my side, ready to catch me if I fall. It's more than I could ever have asked for.

Ashton continues talking to his mum for the rest of the night before the firework show, staying close to my side to let me know he's there, but giving me enough space so that I don't feel suffocated. Ashton's siblings, Lauren and Harry I learned, have calmed down and are now playing peacefully on their phones. I don't know what their mother told them, but I'm grateful that they are quiet.

Ashton leads his family and me outside to watch the firework show, and we all sit together on the front porch. Ashton sits beside me, giving me a dimpled smile and leaning close to where his shoulder is touching mine. I look up at the sky and wait patiently.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Ashton says quietly, so the others won't here. I glance at him. He looks apologetic. "I should have warned them to be calm before we came."

"It's fine," I say hurriedly. "I'm just-- it might take a while to--" I stop, trying to word what I want to say.

Ashton seems to understand anyway. "I know." He nods and gives me a small smile, leaning into me a bit more. I see other families walk out and prepare for the show. Apparently one of Ashton's neighbors puts it on a couple houses down.

The first firework explodes across the sky a couple minutes later, and I jump involuntarily at the noise. Ashton already has his arm around my waist before I can blink. The sound startled me, but once I see the beautiful colours streaking the sky, I relax, taking in the lovely sight. I grow used to the noise a few fireworks in, and Ashton seems to relax as well.

For the first time, as a rainbow of colours paint the sky, I feel like a clean slate. An empty canvas, ripped and torn apart, taped together with pieces missing in the middle, but empty nonetheless. I feel like I could stretch my arms out to the sky and pull the dark blanket over my shoulders and cradle the skull of the moon to my chest. I feel like I could travel the world with only a fraying atlas in my hands.

I glance beside me, at Ashton. He's staring up at the fireworks, his curly hair falling into his eyelashes, his lips parted in awe. The light dances across his face, his kind eyes wide. A surge of appreciation travels through my chest, at the boy who has stayed by my side through everything, who has been the best friend I could have ever imagined to have.

I close my eyes. An empty canvas. Waiting to be marked on by new colours and new streaks. I would love to become someone else, someone new, with this new life apart from Luke.

But whatever, whoever that may be, whoever I may become, I want Ashton to be by my side through it all.

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A/N: calum is starting fresh and is healing from everything with luke !! woo

i have so many new story ideas and i want to post all of them so bad dear god

anyway there are only three more chapters left in the book and you can bet your ass that they're gonna all be posted this week because i'm impatient

also young the giant are coming here very soon and i'm hella excited

thanks for reading. i hope you enjoyed, and please vote and comment if you want to.

i love you to the moon :)