Holland stands at my back, her face drawn and void of colour, eyes unfocused, hands fisted at her sides.

I push the door open slowly, my sense peeled for any unusual noises or movement, and then I look to the ground, looking for the trip wires.

The house is silent, more than it usually is and I know Andy isn't home right now. I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed that I don't have a buffer from my sisters eyes. I look back towards the empty road, waving Holland in.

"Is this where you've been?" She asks as she brushes past me and I follow along, shutting the door softly behind me, letting her question linger in the air between us.

"No."

I walk past her, feeling her eyes on my back, the bite of her unspoken questions at my heels, my steps almost silent down the familiar hallway before I reach the door to my destination, finally looking back at Holland and pointing to the couch.

"You need to rest."

"I need answers, Lilac." Holland doesn't move from the threshold of the door, her dark piercing eyes narrowed on me.

"And you'll get them, but you can hardly walk without assistance. You need to rest."

Her silence is loud, drumming along my exposed skin as I wait for her to step forward, my own eyes taking in the little changes in the sister I haven't seen properly in years.

"Fine." She murmurs, her eyes flicking to the couch, before she walks forward, taking a seat.

I leave the room before she can say anything else, my heart pounding incessantly behind the cage of my ribs, knocking away.

I busy myself in the kitchen, blocking unnecessary thoughts from my mind, wanting - needing the distraction.

I walk back through the door, the steaming cup of tea in hand, placing the mug in front of Holland.

"It's chamomile, it's all Andy has in her cupboard." I explain without prompt.

Holland watches me through her lashes, the darkness under her eyes seeming to spread with every silent second before she reaches forward, slipping her fingers around the warm mug, taking a small sip of the hot liquid.

"Thank you." She murmurs, settling back on the couch.

I nod my head, having no idea what to say to the woman I'm related to but can no longer relate to.

I watch her place the mug back on the table, letting the silence between us grow before I cringe, watching her eyes drift shut, her head falling backwards.

"You're going to fucking kill me." I murmur, leaning forward and pulling her into a more comfortable position, "But you need your rest."

I grab the blanket on the back of the couch, draping it over her, letting my eyes trace her face. "Sorry."

I turn from her sleeping form, slipping into the seat Andy normally occupies, the monitors in front of me lighting up when I move the mouse, delving into everything Andy has collected on my father, and everything I know she collected on Sebastian in the short time he made himself a part of my life.

• • •

My eyes are strained but I continue scanning the information, disappointment settling in my bones when no new information pops out.

A frustrated sigh exits my lips, head falling back to release the tension in my neck, fingers lifting to rub at the tight ball at the base of my neck.

A sound reaches my ears and I twist in the seat slowly, eyes settling on Holland but she makes no movement besides the slight rise and fall of her chest, hands resting lazily over her stomach.

I stand slowly, reaching behind the monitor for the gun I know is stashed there, releasing the safety on the weapon as I creep slowly from the room. I keep my back to the wall, breathing out in controlled inhales and exhales as I creep down the hallway, hands curled around the gun, one step in front of the other.

A long scraping sound enters my senses, and I stop, listening to the sound of the persons footsteps.

I quicken my pace, reaching the end of the hallway swiftly and lift my gun, levelling the barrel of the weapon at Liam's throat, his hands slowly raise, a slice of pizza in his fingers.

"What's I do?"

I ignore his question, looking past him for any sign of Andy or Sebastian before looking back to him, not lowering the gun.

"Where is Andy?"

He tilts his head, confused, but Anders the question. "She said she had to go see her sister or something."

I shift slightly so my body is blocking the hallway leading to where Holland sleeps and narrow my eyes on him.

"What about your brother?"

"John?" Liam blinks, his eyes looking past me to the hallway and narrowing. "I have no idea where he is. I haven't seen him since you kicked Andy and I out."

I breathe out but still don't lower the gun. "Do you know who he works for?"

His eyebrows raise and I narrow my eyes, moving the gun so it's level with his head. "You do." I state.

"I can see you've recently found some thing out, but I can explain."

"I don't care."

Liam's face darkens and he shifts, moving slightly closer. "You should."

His eyes flash past me, widening just as I hear the squeak of the timber flooring behind me and I shift, so my body shield more of Hollands.

"Put the gun down, Lilac."

"No." I mutter, "I don't trust him,"

"Well, I do." Holland says, stepping up beside me. "And you need to put the gun down."

"Why?" I mutter, "His brothers work for our father, they help him."

"I know." She mutters, "But I know Liam and I trust him, please Lilac."

I drop the gun with a hiss, still watching the man with suspicion as he brings the pizza to his lips and bites down.

"Tough crowd." He mutters through a full mouth.

"Liam-" Holland admonishes and he grins back, winking.

"Hey, Holly, what's cookin', good lookin'?"

I feel more than see my sister relax, her body slumping forward.

"How do you know him?" I ask quietly.

"He's a part of my team." Holland answers and I look back at Liam.

"Holland was who you wanted to get out."

Liam nods, chewing. "And Archer , Cleo and Clay."

"Clay?" I look to Holland with a brow raised. "Yes, Clay, he's still in there."

An ache begins in my chest and I rub at the raw spot, feeling exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave.

"Imma just be in my room." Liam points down the hallway, "you guys can have your little girl chat."

He walks past me, towards the kitchen where he grabs a pizza box and then towards the hallway, holding the pizza box out as he does.

"Want any?" I watch Holland shake her head, stepping back to let him pass, her eyes close ing slightly and I watched in concern, seeing the dark circles under her eyes.

"What about you?" I look back to Liam and shake my head, "Sorry about holding a gun to your head." I mutter.

He shrugs, retrieving another slice. "All good friendships start with threats." He continues down the hallway, disappearing.

I hold my breath when Holland turns to me, those familiar dark eyes latching onto mine.

"You need to tell me where you've been."

"Holland-"

"No Lilac," she cuts me off, her eyes slightly wild. "I have left my team back there, I have left Archer back there." She steps forward, her hand slightly shaky.  "I need you tell me what happened."

"Ho-"

"Please, I need to know what I dragged them into." She sucks in a deep breath, "I need you tell me everything."

My shoulders drop, and I nod, seeing the anxiety clawing at my sister, "I didn't know what was happening at first. .  ."

• • •

"Why didn't you tell me you were alive?" Holland asks when I finish, her eyes distant before they focus on mine. "I would've been there. I would've chosen you."

"It was safer." I clear my throat, fiddling where I sit on the couch beside her, our conversation having taken us to the room she slept in.

"For who?" She mutters, "For me? Or for you?"

I slip my hand from my lap, fingers flexing with the need to tighten.

"None of this has been safe." She mutters, her eyes squeezing slightly, hands falling to her lap, her finger flexing by her stomach as unleashed anxiety comes forward. "I have dragged innocent people into the war our family has created." She shakes her head, "I have exposed people to things they should've never known."

"I couldn't-"

"I have put the man I love in danger, the people I care about in danger, just for you to say it was safer to be left in the dark?"

My shoulders tighten, brows drawing in, "It was. It's not my fault this is happening."

"No." Holland says, "It's our fathers, but if I'd known I would have never come back. I would have never put any of them in danger."

"You would've never met them." I tell her.

Her face turns to me, broken. "And it would be worth it, if they were safe."

I stand up, backing away from the lounge and the look my sister shoots my way, "That's the thing Holland, they were never safe. If they work for Samael, they will always be a target."

"You could've come to me and told me." She stands up, but stays where she stands, not approaching me.

Hurt sweeps through me, my heart aching, throat tight with emotion. "It wasn't that easy. You don't understand."

She takes a step closer but I back up one. "Help me understand."

My eyes are glassy with tears, emotion clogging my voice as I yell, "I can't!" My voice echos off the walls, "I can't, Holland, because you will never understand. I've done all this, so you never had to understand!"

Lifting a hand, I wipe harshly at my cheeks.

"Lilac-"

"No." I cut her off, "You didn't have to live every day for months wondering what they were going to make you do next, what they were going to do to you next. I was awake and yet I had no control over my actions, my words. I remember everything they made me do, Holland. Everything. I can't escape it, no matter how much I try."

She takes a slow step forward, but I double the length between us by taking two back. "You don't know what its like-" I cut myself off, taking a harsh breath in. "I have to inject my bloodstream with the same stuff that ruined my life just to stay sane." Another tear falls and I wipe it away, "To have to worry whether I've taken too much that month and I'll lose myself completely," I tip my head back, trying to stop the onslaught of tears but they won't stop. I look back at her, her figure glassy and distorted. "I saw what happened to a girl who lost herself to it, I don't want that to be me."

"You're my little sister, I just wish I'd known so I could have helped you." She says softly, her dark eyes glassy.

"I didn't want help." I shake my head, breathing out slowly, "Not at the beginning. I didn't want to involve any more people than I already had, I didn't want to have to leave you behind again." I close my eyes, "I didn't want to say goodbye."

A shaky breath leaves Hollands lungs, and she says softly, the pain whispering though her words, "You were never planning on living through it." It's not a question, tears beginning to pool at her lash line. She blinks them away and I let out a shaky breath.

"This isn't living, Holland. I'm just going from one step to the next, from one name to the next."

"You would've killed yourself." She states, the hurt in her voice unmistakable. "Lilac-"

I swallow harshly, "Once this is over, I'm done fighting."

"What about that guy?"

"What about him?"

"You love him." She says, no hesitation in the words even when I feel my heart contract painfully.

"No." I deny. "I can't-"

"But you do." She says, shaking her head slowly. "You can't leave." She mutters, "I just found you again."

I look away, turning my back on her before walking to the exit.

"Lilac-"

"I need space."

"You're just going to let him win?" The anger in her voice in unmistakable.

She may as well have shot me, the pain all consuming and I wrench my face back to stare at her.

"Living every day in fear I'll become the same monster he created, that would be him winning." I blink and shake my head, "I just want it to stop."

"Lilac-"

I shake my head, wiping harshly at my cheek. "I thought you would get it. I thought out of everyone," I breath in shakily, "-you would understand."

She takes a step forward, her hand floating between us but I stumble a step back, reaching for the door.

"No." I say and her hand falls, curling around her stomach and I rip the door open, exiting the house.