(The Narrator walks onstage with a copy of Pride and Prejudice and sits down on a stool.)

NARRATOR: (To the audience in a refined voice.) Now, here is the telling of Jane Austen's most beloved novel throughout history. It all begins in the parlor of a lower middle class family known as the Bennets.

(Mr. and Mrs. Bennet enter.)

MRS. BENNET: Oh, Mr. Bennet! Guess what happened?

MR. BENNET: You lost your wits again?

MRS. BENNET: No! Of course not! Mr. Bingley has moved into the neighborhood and he's s-i-n-g-u-l!

MR. BENNET: That's l-e, Mrs. Bennet.

MRS. BENNET: Rather l-e-y, Mr. Bennet, for Bingley. No matter, the point is, is that Mr. Bingley is obviously looking for a wife, and it is our duty to make sure that the girls marry him.

MR. BENNET: Hopefully not all five at once, my dear.

MRS. BENNET: Obviously not! Why-

(The Bennet girls enter.)

Oh! There here they are! Come to Mama, sweethearts.

(They come and hug their mother.)

NARRATOR: The Bennets had five daughters. There was the eldest Jane, a sweet do-gooder...

JANE: Mama, I donated another organ this week. It was so thrilling to be able to help someone!

NARRATOR: There was Mary, the nunnish book worm...

MARY: I feel as if all life is a book and the men and women all characters in it.

NARRATOR: There was Catherine, also known as Kitty, the sister no one ever thought about...

KITTY: Mama, may I have dinner tonight? You forgot to set out a plate for me again!

NARRATOR: There was Lydia, the wild peacock of a girl...

LYDIA: Mama! I've been kissed by a boy of every letter of the alphabet all the way up to V!

(She giggles.)

Next is W!

NARRATOR: And last but not least, the second eldest sister and our protagonist, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: How are you doing, Papa?

PAPA: Just fine, Elizabeth. Your mother was telling me about our newest neighbor.

MRS. BENNET: Oh yes! And one of you absolutely must marry him! There is to be a party soon to celebrate his arrival.

NARRATOR: So within the week the Bennets went off to a party being hosted in honor of the Bingleys...

(Mr. Bingley, Mr. Darcy, and any additional extras enter onstage to dance. Mr. Bingley walks over to Jane.)

MR. BINGLEY: My, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. May I have this dance?

JANE: I would be honored.

MR. BINGLEY: Come, Darcy, why don't you have a dance with one of the ladies in the room?

MR. DARCY: (Snorts.) In this company, expect a powwow rather than a quadrille. Besides it isn't as if there was a handsome girl in the room besides the one you are to dance with.

MR. BINGLEY: What about her sister, over there? She is quite beautiful.

MR. DARCY: (Looks at her.) My word!

MR. BINGLEY: Yes, she is attractive, isn't she?

MR. DARCY: I-I didn't mean that at all, Bingley. I was saying that because of the obvious... barbarianism in her face... It shocked me.

ELIZABETH: (To herself.) How dare he! Who does he think he is, some rich millionaire?

LYDIA: Look, Lizzy! That's Mr. Darcy! He makes at least, like, five million pounds a year or something like that...

ELIZABETH: Oh...

NARRATOR: As time went on, the relationship between Jane and Bingley slowly grew into a lovely rose, but the growth was interrupted by a little nettle.

MR. BENNET: My dear, I'm afraid we have quite the pressing matter. A man is coming to visit. A cousin, a distant relative that will inherit my home after I die. His name is-

MR. COLLINS: (He enters.) Hello! I am the humble, obedient, philosophical, meek and quiet, slow to anger yet quick to reprove, handsomely handsome, and eloquent with the tongue, Mr. Collins.

(He bows quite elaborately. An awkward silence ensues.)

May I tell you about my patron, the rich in heart, rich in soul, and even richer in pounds Lady Catherine de Bucks?

MR. BENNET: I thought it was Lady de Borough?

MR. COLLINS: Whatever you say, Mr. Benevolence.

MRS. BENNET: (Whispers to Mr. Bennet.) Can he sleep outside?

MR. COLLINS: I came here to visit my dear familia, but I also wanted to find myself a blushing bride among my cousins.

MRS. BENNET: (Whispering.) Hold that thought for a second.

(Normal.)

Um... Mr. Collins, so, you are here for a little bride shopping, are you?

LYDIA: Can we take him music shopping? Maybe he'll be mistaken for a wood wind and we won't ever see him again?

(She and Kitty laugh.)

MR. COLLINS: (To himself.) She's off the list. Let's see.

(He walks a little way off.)

My! Cousin January, you look splendid!

MRS. BENNET: Um, Mr. Collins, Jane is already being pursued by someone else. My other daughters are free for the picking though.

MR. COLLINS: Ah, yes... My, the selection isn't that broad, is it? Only two girls left...

KITTY: I'm here too, you know!

MR. COLLINS: I'll toss a coin. Heads it's Marianne, tails it's Elinor...

(He tosses the coin.)

My dear cousin, Elinor!

(He comes to her.)

If only you knew the amount of love I feel when I looked at you.

ELIZABETH: Elizabeth, Mr. Collins, and as for love, why, I am sure that it matches my own.

MR. COLLINS: Oh! Then we must be married at once.

ELIZABETH: I'm afraid I have overestimated your attachment to me. I cannot marry you. We're incompatible I'm... I'm... I'm allergic to money. Therefore all the money you make must be immediately spent or burnt.

MR. COLLINS: Oh, well. That is a problem. Let's see, I guess all that's left is...

(He looks at Mary, who smiles.)

Ahem, well... I'm afraid that I hear the church calling... and Lady Catherine de Bucks needs a willing sycophant to rub her soar back and such. Farewell, my familia.

(He exits.)

NARRATOR: After facing such disappointments, Mr. Collins left to marry Elizabeth's friend, Catherine. Although Mrs. Bennet was angry that Elizabeth had not married Mr. Collins, she was overjoyed at the anticipation of Jane and Mr. Bingley being wedded.

MRS. BENNET: I hear Mr. Bingley say to Jane was sweeter than a shortcake! How romantic! I just love the boy!

NARRATOR: But then, Mr. Bingley was convinced by his family to leave the country and return to London.

MR. BENNET: How dare that disgusting, ruthless rake try to take advantage of my Jane! Sweet! I'll sweeten him up! I'll bury him alive in my famous chocolate pudding! I'll smother him with Jane's vanilla meringue! I'll make him choke on Lizzy's blueberry-

MR. BENNET: Calm down, Mrs. Bennet, I have something to tell you. Elizabeth has just been asked by her friend and Mr. Collins to go visit them, and Jane has been asked to go to her aunt's. Perhaps a vacation will be good for the girls, though heaven knows I'll shrivel up after being left with you four for a month.

(All but Elizabeth exit. Mr. Collins and his wife enter.)

MR. COLLINS: Hello, cousin Elinor Benevolence!

ELIZABETH: It's... It's good to see you Mr. Collins. You too Catherine.

MR. COLLINS: Katy and I are going to visit Lady Catherine de Bucks. Would you like to come with us and bask in her golden shadow?

ELIZABETH: No thank you. I'm afraid I have a headache, but I believe I will be able to come another time.

(Mr. Collins and his wife exit.)

NARRATOR: As Elizabeth was innocently waiting for her cousin and friend to return, Mr. Darcy burst in-

(Mr. Darcy enters.)

And falls on one knee.

MR. DARCY: I have been waiting months for this moment!

(Silence.)

I suppose you wonder why I am here, but I am going to tell you. Ever since I laid my eyes on your fine ones, I have been madly, crazily, sickingly in love with you. I've been following you around ever since that night, watching your every move. Everything you have ever graced with your fingers is in my heart lifted to sainthood. Your handkerchief even now hangs on my wall beside the pictures of my ancestors. If you knew the extent of my love, the shock would literally kill you. Please, will you marry me?

(Silence. It should be as awkward as possible.)

ELIZABETH: Please tell me that this is a dream.

MR. DARCY: It is...

(He stands.)

If you'll let it be...

ELIZABETH: Please go burn to a crisp like a Guy Fox doll. You are scaring me more than Shakespeare's Macbeth.

MR. DARCY: Really?

ELIZABETH: Yes, really. I would rather marry Mr. Collins than go home to a guy that hangs my dirty handkerchiefs on his wall. That's just disgusting.

MR. DARCY: I never said it was dirty. Though I didn't wash i-

ELIZABETH: Please just get out! Get out!

(Mr. Darcy exits.)

Ugh... That was just wrong... I feel like I need to take a bath.

NARRATOR: Things would have stayed fine and Elizabeth would have gone home single and sassy as always if she hadn't received a letter from her family.

(Mr. Collins and Catherine enter. Mr. Collins gives her a letter.)

MR. COLLINS: Here you are, cousin. A letter from your father, Mr. Benevolence.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Mr. Collins.

(Reading.)

Dear Elizabeth, your sister has just run away with a man named Mr. Wickham. They are supposedly going to marry, but we highly doubt it. We are extremely worried, please come home immediately. Your father, Mr. Bennet.

(Looks up.)

I must return home at once!

(Everyone exits except for Elizabeth. Mrs. and Mr. Bennet, Jane, Mary, and Kitty all enter.)

MRS. BENNET: What will we do? Oh, Lydia is ruined forever! Our entire family is ruined forever! My cake that I left in the oven too long is ruined forever!

MARY: I have been long contemplating this, but haven't you noticed that people's names that start with W in these books tend to be evil? Willouby... Wickham...

MRS. BENNET: Stop it with the existentational crisis Mary! There are more important things at hand! (Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley enter.)

MR. DARCY: I am here to end your worries madam! I cornered Wickham last night and forced him to marry Lydia, ensuring their wedding. I just threatened him with a life of being haunted by my presence, and he ran to the altar.

ELIZABETH: You did that?

MR. DARCY: All for you... As well as took a spoon you used and had it encased in glass.

ELIZABETH: That... is just... is just beautiful! I was so wrong about you! May I have the honor of being your wife for all eternity?

MR. DARCY: Yes! I've already arranged the whole wedding for tomorrow afternoon.

MR. BINGLEY: Um... if I may interrupt this marital felicity, but Jane, I must confess that I was wrong to leave the country and...

JANE: Yes?

MR. BINGLEY: I beg you to be my wife!

JANE: Oh, yes!

MRS. BENNET: I'll make the cake!

NARRATOR: So, the Darcys lived a life making sure that all of their other relatives were doing exactly as they were supposed to. No one wanted "Uncle Darcy" coming over and straightening them up. The Bingleys spent their life in philanthropy, giving away food, clothes, and rare, priceless heirlooms to the poor and needy. Mary lived her life in studying if there was an external force that controlled people's actions. Kitty... well, we actually don't know what happened to her or even what her original name was. And the Wickhams spent their life trying to keep themselves out of prison. So is the happy conclusion to the lives of our girls! The end.

(The stage darkens.)