(Narrator enters with a copy of Mansfield Park and sits on a chair.)

NARRATOR: (In a refined voice.) Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to MansfieldPark.

(Fanny enters.)

NARRATOR: There once were three sisters, two who married well and one who married poor. The poor one had many children, one being our protagonist, the dear Fanny Price.

(Fanny coughs.)

NARRATOR: Fanny Price was the perfect girl in morals. She was kind, loving, and sweet. At a young age, she was sent to live with her rich relatives, and like most respectable girls that weren't too bright she was terribly ridiculed, ignored, and hated.

(Mrs. Norris, Maria, and Jessica enter.)

MRS. NORRIS: Fanny! Go out and buy me a loaf of bread! The maids are too busy to be trouble with such menial work.

MARIA: And send out that letter I've been meaning to send. And don't forget your bonnet. You've been getting browner than a mud puddle by the day. (Smirks.)

JESSICA: (Walks up to Fanny and smiles.) I hate you. And you're fat.

FANNY: (Meekly.) Yes, Aunt Norris. Yes, Maria. Yes, Jessica.

NARRATOR: So was the sad, sad life of Fanny Price. But she had one confidant. Someone she could trust. Someone she looked up to, nay, someone she... loved.

(Edmund enters.)

EDMUND: Hello, Fanny.

FANNY: Hello, Edmund. I'm fine. Life is actually quite good if I can get over the daily abuse.

EDMUND: That is a tragedy, Fanny. I wish this family was kinder than you. Let me just say, my dear cousin, that no matter what happens, nothing, and I mean, nothing could draw me from being your dearest and closest companion.

(Mr. and Mrs. Crawford enter.)

MRS. CRAWFORD: Hello there, who's this handsome man?

EDMUND: (Seeing her.) I'm in love.

FANNY: Well, there goes any chance of a happy ending for me.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Jessica.) Well, who is this charming creature?

MARIA: (Giggling.) I am Jessica Betram, sir.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Maria.) And who is this sphinx of the Nile?

MARIA BETRAM: Maria. Maria Betram.

NARRATOR: The Betrams were to have a long, long visit from some new visitors known as the Crawfords, who were the biggest flirts anyone had ever seen, especially Mr. Crawford.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Julia.) Miss Julia, I think that you are the sweetest woman I have ever seen. (To Maria.) But Miss Betram, you and I both know that your intelligence and charm are unmatched, and your beauty is more graceful than a swan's.

FANNY: I need a barf bag, though I don't know if it's from the poor flirting or the fact that it is aimed at two women instead of one.

NARRATOR: Not only was Mr. Crawford aiming his love at two women, one of them happened to be... well, let's just say she was a bit engaged at the moment.

(Mr. Rushworth enters.)

MR. Rushworth: Who is that creature standing near my beautiful Maria?

MRS NORRIS: That is Mr. Crawford.

MR. Rushworth: Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Crawfish.

MR. CRAWFORD: ... Likewise. (To Maria.) As I was saying, rose of the dessert, my heart has been stolen.

JESSICA: And me?

MR. CRAWFORD: You are... a goat in the dessert.

NARRATOR: This made for a lot of awkwardness on everyone's side. It only became more awkward when it was proposed that the whole put on the most vulgar play, The Phantom of the Opera.

EDMUND: I do not know if that is a good idea. Our father is a Republican.

MR. CRAWFORD: Don't be such a stick in the mud, Edmund. I shall play as Piangi, companion to La Carlotta, who shall be played by Maria.

(Maria holds her head proudly as Jessica frowns.)

MR. CRAWFORD: And Mr. Rushworth can play as Maria's servant.

MR. RUSHWORTH: I feel like there is something wrong with this, but I don't know what.

MRS. NORRIS: They are one person short, Edmund. You should play in it.

EDMUND: I still think-

MISS CRAWFORD: Oh... it looks like the only part left is Christine... I wonder who I shall be kissing in the finale...

(Everyone looks at Edmund.)

EDMUND: Well, I can't let you kiss a stranger. That would just be awkward.

FANNY: And this isn't?

NARRATOR: Just when the rebellious Democrats were about to perform La Phantom de l'Opera, their father came home.

(Mr. Betram enters. Sees the characters. Shakes his head and exits.)

NARRATOR: After such unpromising prospects, one would think that the romance between Maria and Mr. Rushworth was doomed. Not so. All of the unbridled passion Maria held for Mr. Rushworth broke loose, and she agreed to marry the man posthaste.

MARIA: (Walks over to Mr. Rushworth) I suppose I will marry you, as it is preferable to being dumped by a crawfish.

MR. Rushworth: I knew we agreed on something!

(Mr. Rushworth and Maria and Jessica exit.)

NARRATOR: All that was left was a little love square...

MR. CRAWFORD: Now, who should I flirt with next.

(Fanny sneezes.)

MR. CRAWFORD: And who is this butterfly from King Edward's garden, bright and beautiful?

FANNY: There are no butterflies in this side of the country.

MR. CRAWFORD: Ah, but there is a crown jewel.

FANNY: Jewels, Mr. Crawford? I do not see any jewels here.

MR. CRAWFORD: But I do see a nymph.

FANNY: (Exasperated.) Mr. Crawford.

MR. CRAWFORD: (Eagerly.) Yes?

FANNY: (Deadpan.) I think you might want to see a psychiatrist. It is not healthy to be seeing such nonexistent things.

(She walks to another part of the stage.)

MR. CRAWFORD: I think I'm in love.

EDMUND: (Staring at Miss Crawford.) I think I'm in love.

MISS CRAWFORD: (Pulls out some dollar bills from her purse.) I think I'm in love.

MR. CRAWFORD: I must have her...

(Follows Fanny.)

Miss Fanny Price, will you please marry me?

(Awkward silence. Fanny bursts into laughter.)

MR. CRAWFORD: What? What is it?

FANNY: I'm sorry! I-I-I just c-c-can't imagine myself married to a-a crawfish!

(Continues laughing.)

MR. CRAWFORD: ... I'm going to take a walk in the country.

(Mr. Crawford exits.)

(Mr. Betram enters.)

MR. BETRAM: You ungrateful child! Turning down a proposal like that! You could be with a well to do man you poor child, but instead you are standing here single and desperate.

FANNY: I beg to differ with that last part!

MR. BETRAM: What do you have to say for yourself?

FANNY: I-

MR. BETRAM: You bet you are!

FANNY: I do feel a bit bad about it now...

NARRATOR: Just then, Mr. Norris received a letter.

(Servant runs in and hands Mr. Norris a letter. He opens it.)

MR. BETRAM: Just in. Mr. Crawford and Maria have run away together! Oh horrors! Fanny! Forget what I said. You are the most angelic, sweet, obedient, virtuous, beautiful-

MRS. NORRIS: Let's not get carried away.

MR. BETRAM: Lovely woman I have ever had the pleasure to make acquaintance with!

EDMUND: (To Miss Crawford) Oh, how horrible, Miss Crawford! What should we do?

MISS CRAWFORD: Um... invite them to dinner and force them to marry?

EDMUND: WHAT?

MISS CRAWFORD: And then we can invite Jack the Ripper to tea!

NARRATOR: Edmund was so horrified that he broke off his non-existent engagement to Miss Crawford posthaste!

EDMUND: I am so horrified that I broke off my non-existent engagement to Miss Crawford posthaste!

MISS CRAWFORD: ... Oh well. (Pulls out money.) I loved someone else more instead.

NARRATOR: So Maria and Mr. Crawford ran away together to live in Atlantis, only to break up after a week. Edmund and Fanny married and had several well behaved, quote on quote boring children. Mrs. Norris left to become an evil stepmother to a woman named Ella, while the Betrams decided to become professional croquet players. Finally, Miss Crawford married a dollar bill and somehow gave birth to Donald Trump. Oh, and everyone forgot about what's her name, who might have eloped. The end.

AN: First, I want to say I AM SO SORRY I DID NOT UPDATE IN SO LONG! I've been a lazy bum the last few weeks! Also, I want to say I finally read every official Jane Austen novel! This was the last one, and I actually really liked it, despite what people said. Hope you enjoy! - Tara Meese