(A woman enters. She is wearing Regency clothing.)

WOMAN: (Looking into the distance away from audience.) I am a young teenage girl, orphaned and alone. My parents were kind but poor, dying of a terrible disease and leaving me to abusive relatives. I then was forced into a boarding school that had kind people, but was run by an outrageously cruel man. There I befriended a girl who soon died, despite her self persecuting goodness. Then, I grew into a lovely young lady who was left alone at school among people who just didn't care about me. Now I have come to answer a mysterious a person who asked me to be a governess for their child. My name is...

WOMAN: (Looks at the audience.) Mary Sue. Wait, that's not right. Let me start over. (Looks away.) My name is... (Looks at audience.) Jane Eyre. And now I am on my way to be a governess of Thornfield Hall.

(She rises. MRS. FAIRFAX enters.)

JANE EYRE: Art thou my mysterious benefactress?

MRS. FAIRFAX: I am-

JANE: A werewolf woman! Le gasp! Say it isn't so!

(She falls over into a chair.)

MRS. FAIRFAX: No, ma'am I am merely the housekeeper for Mr. Rochester.

JANE: Oooooh, that sounds dreamy.

MRS. FAIRFAX: And you shall be the governess for-

JANE: I don't care who I'm governess for. Throw out this Mr. Rochester fellow!

MRS. FAIRFAX: Well he's away and-

JANE: I want Mr. Rochester NOW! I want him, I want him, I want him, IwanthimIwanthimIwanthi-

MRS. FAIRFAX: Ok! Ok! (To someone offstage) Throw him out here. I can't take this any longer!

OFFSTAGE: He seems to have disappeared.

JANE: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

OFFSTAGE: GET OUT THERE NOW OR WE'LL BREAK YOUR LEG!

MR. ROCHESTER: (Offstage.) Understood.

(He enters.)

MR. ROCHESTER: I heard there was a dangerously obnoxious and possessive potential mate out here?

JANE: Where? I don't see one?

MR. ROCHESTER: That's good, because I've had enough of those in my life already.

JANE: What?

MRS. FAIRFAX: Foreshadowing!

JANE: What???

MR. ROCHESTER: Anyway, I am going to be throwing a month long party at my house with my a gorgeous totally sane potential mate and her family and friends... And you're not invited.

JANE: Let me get my best dress!

(She exits in a run.)

MR. ROCHESTER: What part of not invited does she not understand?

(Blanche and company enters.)

BLANCHE: Why, Mr. Rochester, darling!

MR. ROCHESTER: My darling, Blanche!

BLANCHE: Oh, it's so good to see you again!

MR. ROCHESTER: You as well.

BLANCHE: And your house... and your expensive furniture... and your bank account...

MR. ROCHESTER: Yes...?

(Jane enters in clothes slightly fancier.)

JANE: Hello! The protagonist is here! Allow me to sulk in a corner all mysterious and depressing for the rest of the month!

BLANCHE: Who is she?

MR. ROCHESTER: A governess for my adopted child.

BLANCHE: The saucy tart! Come to steal you away from me!

JANE: Ah hah! So you are the rude chit that is assigned to try to steal Mr. Rochester from me!

BLANCHE: I can't take him away from you, because he already is and always was mine!

JANE: That's not true! Tell me it's not true Mr. Rochester!

MR. ROCHESTER: Well, um...

JANE: That's it! He's just trying to make me jealous. Aren't you, Mr. Rochester? Aren't you?

MR. ROCHESTER: Actually... er...

JANE: He'd never go for an ugly cow like you, Bleach!

BLANCHE: Oh, that is it!

(She pounces on Jane, and they end up in a fist fight on the floor.)

MR. ROCHESTER: Why, oh, why did I sign up for the role of male lead in romantic story? Why?

MRS. FAIRFAX: Just accept your fate, Mr. Rochester, like I did long ago.

MR. ROCHESTER: I don't understand!

(Servant enters.)

SERVANT: Um... someone tried to burn the house down and bit one of your relatives to near death.

MR. ROCHESTER: Was it the 'servant' again?

SERVANT: Yes.

MR. ROCHESTER: I have bigger problems right now. You know what to do.

SERVANT: Understood

(He exits.)

(He looks at them fighting.)

MR. ROCHESTER: All right! That's enough!

(They freeze, preferably with Blanche holding a fist full of Jane's hair, and Jane's hand pressed into Blanche's face.)

MR. ROCHESTER: I'll marry you Jane. Just stop acting like a Wattpad Mary Sue.

JANE: (Still how she was.) Really?

MR. ROCHESTER: Yes, really.

JANE: (Leaps up.) See, I told you.

(Blanche exits. Priest enters. Company forms wedding audience.)

MRS. FAIRFAX: So, Jane and Mr. Rochester were to be married within a week.

PRIEST: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully-

(Mr. Rochester cuts at throat.)

PRIEST: I mean... do you take this woman to be your wife?

MR. ROCHESTER: I do.

PRIEST: And do you take this man to be your husband?

JANE: I do.

PRIEST: I now pronounce you... um...

OFFSTAGE: Objection!

(Man enters.)

MAN: You can't be married. Because this man is -

1ST RANDOM MAN: Is not compatible?

MAN: No.

RANDOM WOMAN: Has bad breath?

MAN: No. I mean, what? I don't know.

2ND RANDOM MAN: He hates cheese?

(Crowd gasps.)

MAN: No! Listen people! He's already married!

(Crowd gasps again.)

MR. ROCHESTER: What?

JANE: Is it true? Tell me it's not true?

MR. ROCHESTER: ... Oopsie daisy?

JANE: It is true! (Bursts into tears.) I don't think I can handle this emotionally.

MR. ROCHESTER: Look, Jane. I'm sorry.

JANE: I need some time to process this. (Punches him.)

MR. ROCHESTER: (Stooping) Ow!

JANE: I need closure! (Punches him again.)

MR. ROCHESTER: (Stoops more.) OW!

JANE: That helped. But I need more time... How about an intermission?

COMPANY: (Nods and agrees.) That sounds good to us.

JANE: I suppose I shall see you all again then. In part two!

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A/N - I can't believe it's been six months since I last updated this. XD