(Stage is dark except for one corner. Mr. Lockwood is sitting on a chair, still sick and eating ice cream from the container and wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. Nancy is standing beside him.)

NANCY: And after a long intermission, Catherine Two had grown into a lovely young lady.

(Catherine Two enters.)

CATHERINE TWO: Oh, life is so boring! I wish I were the heroine of some epic romance novel!

NANCY: Meanwhile, two other munchkins were in the equation. Isabella had a child as well from Mr. Heathcliff. His name was Linton. He had been secretly delivered to Mr. Heathcliff after the death of his mother.

NANCY: And beside this Mr. Hindley, Catherine's brother, had had a son named Hareton. He was taken care of all these years by Mr. Heathcliff... If your idea of taking care of is working like a slave and emotionally manipulating. Anyway, my little Catherine Two was always begging for one thing-

CATHERINE TWO: Please let me go over the hills, Nancy! Perhaps I shall find a golden staircase dripping leading to the pink castle of my one true love, where I shall be basked in rose petals and swept off my feet!

NANCY: Absolutely not! Do you know what lives over there?

CATHERINE TWO: What? Are you saying there's no golden staircase?

NANCY: Well...

CATHERINE TWO: I wish to go and find my prince!

NANCY: No, and that is final! You can go anywhere but there, do you understand?

CATHERINE TWO: (Angry sigh.) Fine, Granny...

(Beat.)

CATHERINE TWO: Can I go for a long walk that totally has nothing to do with the hill? Totally. (Totally innocent smile.)

NANCY: Why of course my dear! Have fun!

CATHERINE TWO: I will!

(She walks to another part of the stage.)

NANCY: Boy, was I oblivious! It's like teenagers actually try to sneak out or something. Oh well, hopefully it doesn't catch on to our future descendants. Anyway, I had to go out and find her before her father returned! So I went over the hills and walked a long way until I arrived at Mr. Heathcliff's house.

(She walks over to another part of the stage. Nancy, Linton, and Hareton enter.)

NANCY: Catherine! What on earth are you doing here! I told you not to go over the hill!

CATHERINE TWO: I would have totally listened if not for the fact that I heard the voice of a handsome prince calling my name, only to find out it is my long lost cousin, Lindt Chocolate.

NANCY: Yes, and chocolate causes health problems, that's probably why he's so sick in this story. Now let's go-

CATHERINE TWO: But I want to stay.

NANCY: No. We are leaving your cousins and-

CATHERINE TWO: Wait.

NANCY: What?

CATHERINE TWO: Cousins...? As in plural?

NANCY: (Sighs.) Catherine Two, meet your cousin Hareton. Now let's go.

CATHERINE TWO: My cousin! No way! He looks like a hairy ape.

HARETON: That's why I'm called hair ton, Barbie.

CATHERINE TWO: That's impossible!

HARETON: Not really. You see-

CATHERINE TWO: Not your name, idiot! We can't be cousins. Say it isn't true, Nancy, say it isn't true.

NANCY: ... Do you really want me to lie to you?

CATHERINE TWO: No!!!

(She exits. Linton and Hareton exit.)

NANCY: Well, after that incident, Catherine Two started secretly visiting Linton, which I was none to happy about and forbid. Then she started writing him these preposterous love letters about honey and cream and all this mushy gushy stuff that almost made me stick, so for my health I put a stop to it. But her poor heart was convinced to meet again with him because Mr. Heathcliff said his son was lovesick over her.

(Linton enters from one side coughing, and Catherine Two from the other.)

NANCY: I was to chaperone the lovely couple.

CATHERINE TWO: Oh, Lindt chocolate, I feel like you and I were made for each other. Will you carry me off into the sunset?

LINTON: I can barely carry a conversation, let alone you.

CATHERINE TWO: Then let's talk about a meadow vacation. Wouldn't that be romantic?

LINTON: I'd prefer medication.

CATHERINE TWO: Well... how about we trade stories about our childhood?

LINTON: The ones with my hysterical mother or abusive father?

CATHERINE TWO: You know, I'm done! This is the most unromantic date I have ever been on, let's go Nancy!

LINTON: (Collapses.) Oh, I feel a pain in my chest. Cindy, could you help me get home?

CATHERINE TWO: It's Catherine! And yes, of course!

NANCY: Now, now! Your father explicitly stated that you are not to go to Linton's house.

CATHERINE TWO: I don't care! He needs my help, Nancy. Now, come on! What's the worst that could happen for helping someone?

(Catherine Two assists Linton to another part of the stage.)

NANCY: And as soon as we walk into the door this is what happens-

LINTON: Dad! I got here to come inside! Come here!

(Heathcliff enters in a run. He grabs Catherine Two.)

NANCY: What's going on here?

CATHERINE TWO: I need to go home, so-

HEATHCLIFF: This is your new home, lady. You are going to marry my son, leaving your ridiculous inheritance to him, and all that is his is merely mine.

CATHERINE TWO: You won't get away with this.

HEATHCLIFF: Oh, yes I will, it's already too late in the game for me to start failing now.

LINTON: Wait, so if I own everything she has, does that mean I own all of her candy too?

HEATHCLIFF: (Sighs.) Yes, Linton, can you think about something besides chocolate?

LINTON: No.

NANCY: And so...

(Silence.)

MR. LOCKWOOD: And so...? What?

NANCY: That's it.

(Everyone exits but Mr. Lockwood and Nancy.)

MR. LOCKWOOD: That's it?!

NANCY: Yep! Well, not totally, Lindt chocolate choked on some bon bons in his sleep that Heathcliff shoved in his mouth.

MR. LOCKWOOD: (Bursts into tears.) Th-th-that...

NANCY: Yes, Mr. Lockwood?

MR. LOCKWOOD: (Standing heroically.) I have no choice. I know what I must do!

NANCY: That's wonderful Mr. Lockwood!

(She starts to exits, then turns to the audience.)

NANCY: I knew he would marry her.

(She exits.)

MR. LOCKWOOD: Everything is clear. I must go to Catherine Two right away.

(Catherine Two and Hareton enter. He walks quickly up to Catherine Two.)

MR. LOCKWOOD: There is something of great importance that I must tell you.

CATHERINE TWO: Yes?

MR. LOCKWOOD: (Takes in a long, deep breath.) I wish to leave the house. I'll pay the rent as I promised, but I can't stay here. Too many ghosts and creepy maids. Good bye!

(He exits. Nancy enters.)

NANCY: He didn't propose?!

CATHERINE TWO: Well, duh, he didn't! He was the most useless looking character I had ever met!

NANCY: Am I really that bad at communicating that every time I try to talk to a man he does the exact opposite of what I tell him?! You know, actually...

(Heathcliff enters.)

NANCY: Oh, I suppose we'll have Mr. Heathcliff around for a long time, won't we, Catherine Two?

HEATHCLIFF: Of course you will! And no use trying to change it.

NANCY: I, for one, am full of utmost pleasure. Mainly to spite him.

HEATHCLIFF: To spite me?

NANCY: Yes, for as long as you are alive, sir, you shall never be with Catherine, but are forced to be pained on this earth.

(Long silence.)

HEATHCLIFF: You know... I never even thought about that. Excuse me for a minute, I'm going to... take a nap.

(He exits. Several seconds pass. A gunshot sounds.)

NANCY: He did it! He really did it! We're free! We're-

HEATHCLIFF: (Offstage.) Nancy, get in here! I saw a spider and shot at it and the mess is horrendous!

(Awkward silence.)

NANCY: Oh... Well then... I suppose I better go deal with that.

(She exits. Nancy returns after a few seconds with a bag in her hands.)

NANCY: Look, kids, take this and go.

CATHERINE TWO: What is thi-

NANCY: It's my life savings, now, you two kids, run away together. Go join start an inn in Scotland or something, but leave. I'll deal with the mad man.

CATHERINE: Oh, thank you, Nancy! Let's go Hareton.

(Catherine Two and Hareton exit. Nancy sighs.)

NANCY: Oh well. Alls well that ends well, as they say.

HEATHCLIFF: (Offstage.) Nancy! Get up here and kill the spider.

NANCY: At least for them anyway...

(Stage darkens.)