(Stage is dark except for one corner. Mr. Lockwood is sitting on a chair. He is obviously sick and is reading a book. Nancy enters in an ominous, slow manner, holding a candle.)

NANCY: Mr. Lockwood?

MR. Lockwood: (Not looking up.) Yes?

NANCY: How are you holding up?

MR. Lockwood: Fine, I suppose. Bored as ever.

NANCY: Perhaps then I should tell you the sorrowful, dramatic history of this haunted estate. A tale of woe and demonic obsession.

(Thunder crackles and lightning strikes. She looks at Mr. Lockwood eerily, and he looks up frightened.)

MR. Lockwood: What was that?

NANCY: You wish to listen to this tale?

MR. Lockwood: Well, you see-

(Thunder and lightning repeat as she stares into the soul of Mr. Lockwood.)

MR. Lockwood: (Gulps.) Alrighty then...

NANCY: It all started on bright day, many years ago...

(Stage lights up.)

(Catherine and Hindley are standing. Nancy walks over there.)

NANCY: I was the personal servant of Hindley and Catherine Earnshaw. For many years I watched over them, until another child was brought into the household. His name was Heathcliff.

(Heathcliff enters.)

NANCY: He was received well by Catherine.

CATHERINE: Let's vow to marry each other and ride off on Pegasus by signing a piece of bark in blood.

HEATHCLIFF: As long as we eat a spider afterward to signify our love.

CATHERINE: Deal.

NANCY: But poorly received by her brother.

HINDLEY: Catherine! Get away from that ruffian! Who knows where he's been? Probably hasn't had a bath since the last time he was forcibly thrown into a muddy river.

CATHERINE: Nonsense! I would never leave Heathcliff! He is my best friend. We think so alike that we are practically one. We even finish each others-

HEATHCLIFF: Graveyards!

CATHERINE: ...

HEATHCLIFF: Oh... you meant sandwiches, right?

NANCY: After reciting that near copyright infringing line, Heathcliff and Catherine met a problem.

CATHERINE: I care for nothing but you Heathcliff.

HEATHCLIFF: Let us run away together!

CATHERINE: That sounds so romantic!

HEATHCLIFF: Doesn't it? Things will be beautiful! Especially after I get a job.

(Awkward silence.)

CATHERINE: You don't have a job?

HEATHCLIFF: Well, family slave doesn't really count as a job so...

CATHERINE: I can't marry you! You don't have any money!

HEATHCLIFF: Well, I'm a bad boy, what did you expect?

CATHERINE: Even bad boys have part time jobs at the race track! Get out! It would utterly degrade me and disgust me to marry you until you got some cash as cold and hard as my soul!

HEATHCLIFF: ... You really mean that?

CATHERINE: I know that.

HEATHCLIFF: Well, fine then, well see about that...

(Heathcliff exits as he mumbles.)

NANCY: After this, a man by the name of Edgar Linton entered.

(Edgar Linton enters.) 

EDGAR: Hello, I'm rich, go to church three times a week, and have an ok looking face. Would you like to marry me?

CATHERINE: Just as soon as I finish abusing a servant in front of you, yes!

NANCY: And with that they were happily married and went to live in Edgar's home. There they lived with his sister Isabella in peace for many years.

(Hindley exits. Isabella enters.)

NANCY: Then, though, the tides returned, and a sinister man returned one day.

(Doorbell rings.)

NANCY: I'll get it.

CATHERINE: Of course you will! I'm literally paying you to answer the door for me.

(Heathcliff enters. He is dressed fancily.)

NANCY: And here is Mr... Heathcliff?

HEATHCLIFF: Where is Catherine?

NANCY: She's inside, but I suppose you heard she-

HEATHCLIFF: Hasn't gained a pound? Yes of course she is as lovely as the day I first met her.

NANCY: What I meant was that Catherine Earnshaw is now Catherine Lin-

HEATHCLIFF: Don't say it! Nancy, I can not bear to hear it at this time. Please don't say it.

(Silence.)

CATHERINE: Who is here? I- Heathcliff!

(She hugs him.)

CATHERINE: I'm so glad to see you.

(Edgar enters.)

EDGAR: Who is it...?

(Awkward silence.)

CATHERINE: Oh, Edgar, (she goes to him.) this is my adopted brother, Heathcliff.

HEATHCLIFF: A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Linton.

EDGAR: The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Heathcliff.

CATHERINE: (Hugs Edgar.) Come, love, let's set up dinner.

(Catherine and Edgar go a little ways off.)

NANCY: A few days later, Heathcliff came complaining to me about his problems.

HEATHCLIFF: No matter what I do, Nancy, Catherine is still attracted to that dumpkoff, Linton! What's he got that I don't?

NANCY: Well, looks, personality, money-

HEATHCLIFF: That was rhetorical, Nancy. I mean, what could I do to get her to like me.

NANCY: Perhaps Mr. Heathcliff, you could try being a bit more romantic.

HEATHCLIFF: Oh, poppies! Like that would work!

NANCY: Never know until you try. (To Mr. Lockwood.) That was a mistake. I never should have said it; because the next time he visited the Linton's...

(Heathcliff walks over to Catherine. Edgar is standing off to the side and clearly hears the conversation.)

HEATHCLIFF: Romantic... Romantic... Romantic... Ok... (To Catherine.) I love you. I love you so much I want to be with you until time is literally put to a halt by the Lord's return.

NANCY: Good, Mr. Heathcliff, good!

HEATHCLIFF: I love you so much that I would rather take Edgar and string him up by his eyebrows while I beat him with a whip made of staples than let you be with him.

NANCY: ... Not so good.

HEATHCLIFF: I love you so much that I would torture our descendants mercilessly and spitefully to the brink of murderous despair just because I am in a bad mood over you not being able to decide if you like me or your legal husband better.

NANCY: Should've known his demonically obsessive side would kick in. That... was... absolutely-

CATHERINE: Beautiful!

NANCY and EDGAR: What?!

CATHERINE: Heathcliff, my dear, there is nothing more beautiful than the words I just heard come out of your angel like mouth-

EDGAR: More like a devil! How dare you, sir! Get out! Get out now!

HEATHCLIFF: I will find staples!

EDGAR: Enough of that talk. Leave this instant, and Catherine-!

(Edgar grabs her close to him as Heathcliff backs away.)

EDGAR: I never wish to see you talking to him ever again.

CATHERINE: I-

HEATHCLIFF: Don't listen to him Catherine! It would be better to be with me! Pegasus blood oath, remember?

CATHERINE: Well-

EDGAR: Lose me, and you lose your money and honor. Remember we are bound by something stronger than desire. Marriage.

CATHERINE: Yes-

HEATHCLIFF: Catherine is bound to me by spiders!

EDGAR: That doesn't even make sense.

CATHERINE: Enough! I've made my decision. (Takes a step forward and a deep breath.) I choose... I choose... to die in childbirth. (Collapses.)

NANCY: Heavens to Betsy, Ruth, and Morgan! What do we do?!

EDGAR: Get a doctor, for crying out loud!

CATHERINE: I am going to diiiiiiiieeeee because I can't decide if I like my adopted brother or money better...

HEATHCLIFF: What?! Did you not hear what I was just reciting to you? Fine then! Make your choice! May you not rest, as long as I am living! You said I-

CATHERINE: Oh shut up, Heathcliff! Can't you see I'm trying to die in childbirth here!?

NANCY: And so, she did just that.

(Catherine falls over dead.)

NANCY: And that's how it ended...

MR. LOCKWOOD: What?

NANCY: Mr. Heathcliff took out a whip of staples...

MR. LOCKWOOD: Are you serious?

NANCY: No, I'm not. Just pulling your leg. Semicolon right parenthesis.

MR. LOCKWOOD: What does semicolon right parenthesis mean?

NANCY: Someone knows... Anyway, Catherine gave birth to a daughter, who was named Catherine Two. Catherine was buried in the Linton family graveyard the next day, Mr. Heathcliff looking on through the bushes.

(Catherine, Edgar, and Heathcliff exit.)

NANCY: Not long after, I received a visitor.

(Isabella enters.)

ISABELLA: I'm running away! My husband is a maniac! Purely insane! He abuses me, killed my dog, and, worst of all, he said I couldn't have cheese! What kind of insanity is this, depriving a good woman of her dairy? I simply cannot abide by it any longer! Send me away and I shall have my son in the city.

(She exits.)

NANCY: And Isabella was gone as quickly as she had entered. We sent her away to have her son in the countryside. After this we spent a nice long intermission waiting for the children to grow up.

MR. LOCKWOOD: You mean-

NANCY: Yes, a act two will be coming shortly - God willing, that is. (Lightening strikes and thunder roars.) Semicolon right parenthesis.

A/N: Read this book and it is all dreariness and darkness worse than Edgar Allen Poe. Worth the read, though.