(The stage is mostly dark. Mr. Brownlow enters.)

MR. BROWNLOW: To recap what happened last act, Oliver Twist, a good little orphan boy, ran away from his abusive home, was tricked by some gangsters, and nearly adopted by a good man aka moi. Then he was kidnapped by the gangsters that tricked him earlier. I though, do not know this, and am currently binge watching sad movies and eating fattening foods to handle the depression.

(Takes out a handkerchief, starts crying, and exits.)

(The stage lights up to show Oliver, Nancy, Fagin, Sikes [who is holding a stuffed Chihuahua and stroking it], and if possible, some boys. Fagin is in his rocker. Nancy and Sikes are standing around. Oliver is in the middle looking sad and confused while holding the library books from earlier.)

FAGIN: Well, my dears, we got him. Now I finally have someone to clip my toenails again!

OLIVER: Dear sir, I don't believe this behavior is appropriate in any way. Now, I advise you send me home immediately.

SIKES: Can we kill him now?

FAGIN: Not until he's washed my underwear first. Now (addressing Oliver), my dear, wouldn't you rather be here than with a stuffy old man that actually brushes his teeth? I mean, instead of doing that, you could be stealing toys and defacing portraits of the queen, all while rubbing your mustache and cackling like a maniac.

OLIVER: With all due respect sir, I don't have a mustache.

FAGIN: So?

OLIVER: And, you eat olives.

FAGIN: What does that have to do with anything?

OLIVER: Anybody that eats olives regularly can not be a good person. Period.

SIKES: (Sweetly, to dog.) He isn't talking about you, Muffin. He loves you, Muffin. (Roughly, to Oliver.) What's your problem, child? Good people don't eat olives? I'll have you know Muffin eats a can a day! You're scaring her with your talk.

NANCY: (Looking at readers.) At least he's not as scary as half the people I'm looking at.

FAGIN: (Sighs.) Well, my dear, if you won't eat your way to evil, my dear, I guess you will have to be taught evil on the job, my dear.

OLIVER: On the job?

SIKES: We're robbing a house tonight, Olivia.

OLIVER: It's Oliver.

SIKES: Shut up, Olivia! Now, let's move it. And give the books to the Nancy. They'll make good litter for Muffin. She likes to pee on high quality paper!

(Nancy takes the books from him. She exits. Fagin gets up and someone takes the rocking chair. Everyone but Oliver, Sikes, and Fagin exits.)

SIKES: Now, we're going to rob this here house, and if you try anything to stop us, I'll take your teeth and make them into jewelry. Got that?

OLIVER: Where were you raised? In the jungle? I say, you certainly have the body of a gorilla, but I would never have thought-

SIKES: Be quiet! You say one more syllables, and I'll put your head on a stake.

OLIVER: There! More jungle talk! You could at least threaten me with a horse whip like a respectable Englishman!

SIKES: Silence you insolate, little-

FAGIN: I don't mean to interrupt, my dear, but, why did you bring your dog with you?

SIKES: Muffin wanted to see if they had any dog treats.

FAGIN: You could check that yourself!

SIKES: Uh, no I couldn't! Muffin is extremely peculiar. She has to sniff the treats herself before she picks them.

FAGIN: This is why I recruit new members, because if I didn't I'd have to always work with people like you!

OLIVE: If I were a criminal, which I am not, even I wouldn't be such a pansy!

SIKES: (Angry.) Now look here, Santa Clause and Pollyanna-

THE BUTLER: (Offstage.) Who's there? I hear you!

SIKES: Every man for himself! Come on, Muffin.

FAGIN: My dear, oh, dear!

(Fagin and Sikes exit in a run. Oliver panics and looks this way and that way. A gunshot rings out.)

OLIVER: (Calmly.) Well would you look at that, I think I've been shot.

(Screams dramatically and falls over.)

OLIVER: No! MAMA! Oh, wait, she's dead... PAPA!!! IT HURTS!

(Rose and her butler enter.)

ROSE: What was that? A cat with gall stones? Aw, look, butler! It's a stray child!

BUTLER: Whoops. I didn't mean it, kid. I thought you were a burglar!

ROSE: Let's adopt him!

BULTER: Now, Rose, you adopted five cats, ten dogs, and three toads all in the last week. Don't you think-

ROSE: I think enough for both of us, nameless butler. Now, I command you to take this child inside.

OLIVER: W-wait, I don't know if-

ROSE: Carry him to the guest room.

BUTLER: Of course, my lady.

(He picks up Oliver.)

OLIVER: I've been carried off much more than I'd like this show.

ROSE: Of course you have been, honey. (To butler.) Hurry up now, he's delirious.

(They exit. Fagin and Monks enter. Nancy enters slowly and silently after them before they start speaking. They do not notice her.)

MONKS: You let him get away! Again! What am I paying you for?!

FAGIN: I'm sorry, my dear! Honestly I tried! But then Sikes got mean and Muffin was squirming and the people heard us and-

MONKS: I don't want to hear excuses! I want results! I want Oliver Twist's reputation stained more than a lady's napkin! You hear me?!

FAGIN: Yes, yes. I really wish you would stop shouting so much...

(Fagin and Monks exit. Nancy walks to center stage.)

NANCY: (To readers.) What? Do you expect me to do something about it? Well, I won't! Sikes will kill me if I tell on him... Besides, why do you care? Half of you are reading (or watching if this performed live) this in your pajamas, don't even care about your appearance! Why would you care about Oliver?

(Silence.)

NANCY: Fine, alright! I'll do it! But, if Sikes gets word of this, I'm dead, and it'll be your fault. Ok?

(Rose and the butler enter with Oliver.)

ROSE: I'm so glad you have recovered, George.

OLIVER: (To butler.) Why does she keep calling me that?

BUTLER: She names all of her pets, sir.

OLIVER: But I'm not her-

NANCY: Yoo hoo! Could I talk to you, Miss?

ROSE: Now, George, you be a good boy. Mother is being called away right now!

(Rose walks over to Nancy.)

NANCY: Some people are planning the destruction of your friend Oliver, and if I didn't tell you, it was certain doom.

ROSE: Oh my! That's sounds terrible! By the way, child, I must ask you something of great importance... who is Oliver?

(Nancy sighs and gives the readers an "I told you so" look.)

NANCY: The little boy that be staying with you!

ROSE: Oh! George! Ok. I see. Well then, I'll be sure to look out for danger. My nameless butler is sure to look after him quite well, and we're visiting a friend today.

NANCY: Alright. Good. Now, I gotta go, but I'll see you soon, I hope.

(Church bells ring.)

NANCY: Oh, I feel a chill.

ROSE: You know, if you want to stay with me and be my nameless maid, you can.

NANCY: That's alright... someone like me doesn't even deserve that.

ROSE: Suit yourself.

(Rose, the butler, and Oliver exit.)

NANCY: (Sighs.) Time to go home, I guess...

(Sikes enters. He is holding Muffin.)

SIKES: Nancy!

NANCY: Yes, Sikes, dear.

SIKES: Don't dear, me! You sound like Fagin! Look here, Nancy, I know something you don't think I do.

NANCY: (Nervously.) What's that?

SIKES: (Coming close to her.) You... You, sneaky thing you... You thought I wouldn't notice that... you left the dishes!

NANCY: (Silence.) What?

SIKES: (Backs up.) You always try to get out of doing the dishes! Always! Well, I refused to do them while you were gone, so what about that?

NANCY: (Relaxing.) Oh, ok, I'll do them.

SIKES: (Zooms in to her again.) ANNNNNNND, you traitor...

NANCY: Sikes, I'm sorry! Really I am I-

SIKES: (Backs away.) You better be! You forgot to feed Muffin before you left! Poor thing was starving when I got home, (sweetly) weren't you honey pie? Yes, you were! Yes, you were!

NANCY: (Silence.) Oh. Well, I am sorry about that.

SIKES: And you should be! So, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?

NANCY: I'd love to, Italian or Chinese?

(Fagin enters in a run.)

FAGIN: She squealed on us! She's a dirty traitor!

SIKES: What's this all about?

FAGIN: Your Nancy is a lying, conniving woman!

NANCY: Well what else would I be?

FAGIN: A traitor! That's what! She told on us! She told every word to Oliver's caretakers, and now we're SUNK!

(Sikes looks shocked.)

NANCY: You know what? Fine! Fine!!! I did tell on you! Both of you, and you know why? Because a group of people, no doubt wearing pajamas and sitting on their devices, looked at me through their phones and said, "Nancy, if you don't help Oliver, you're scum!" So I told! Yes, I did. And also because, when I came home, I wanted to look myself in the mud puddle out back and say, "Nancy, at least you did one thing right today, even if you do get caught for it in the end!" And you know what, Sikes.

(She stomps up to him.)

NANCY: I hate doing dishes. (Grabs Muffin.) And I hate, (Takes Muffin from Sikes and throws Muffin on the ground.) Chihuahuas. (This is even funnier if Muffin is not a Chihuahua.)

(Sikes looks like he's been slapped across the face by his own mother. Fagin is no less shocked.)

SIKES: How dare you!

(He looks like he will grab Nancy.)

FAGIN: Wait!

SIKES: What?!

FAGIN: It would look really bad if you did something terrible in front of all these people... We are trying to stay PG after all.

SIKES: (Silence.) So I can't kill her?

FAGIN: NO! You can't kill her! Are you trying to traumatize are under eighteen audience?

SIKES: ... Can I punch her?

FAGIN: That is somehow worse than the first one.

SIKES: ... How about an Indian burn?

FAGIN: Are you a monster? Just pick up your Doberman and leave!

SIKES: She's not a Doberman, and I have to do something to Nancy! (Dramatic sigh.)

(He picks up the dog.)

FAGIN: Well, (scratches head) wait, I know, (takes out some olives from a pocket) give her this!

NANCY: No! No!!! Not olives!

SIKES: That'll work!

(Nancy exits in a run, Sikes and Fagin running after her holding the olives.)

(Oliver, Rose, and the person of no importance enter from one side of stage. Mr. Brownlow enters from the other.)

MR. BROWNLOW: (To himself.) From my latest study of genealogy and the arrest of the man Monks... I think that Oliver boy might have been... might have been my-

ROSE: Grandpa! Meet my new pet George!

MR. BROWNLOW: (Inattentively) That's nice dear...

ROSE: No, Grandpa, really! Look! Pleaaaaaaaase...

MR. BROWNLOW: (Looking, does a double take.) That's nice de- OLIVER!

(He runs over and hugs him.)

OLIVER: Mr. –Actually I never did get your name... You are not cross with me?

MR. BROWNLOW: Cross? How can I be cross with my own grandson?

OLIVER: I beg your pardon, genial gentleman, but, grandson?

MR. BROWNLOW: Yes! You resemble that painting because you are my daughter's son! Making you my grandson!

ROSE: Then I'm your aunt!

(Monks entering, handcuffed and with a policeman.)

MONKS: And I'm your brother!

BUTLER: And I'm your cousin!

(Nancy enters.)

NANCY: And I'm your mom!

(Fagin enters.)

FAGIN: And I'm your son!

(Mr. Bumble enters.)

MR. BUMBLES: And I was your abusive benefactor!

(Sikes enters.)

SIKES: And Muffin here is your best friend!

(Onstage characters go "aw.")

ROSE: So you see, we're all one big happy-

NOAH: (Offstage.) Shut up!

OLIVER: I believe, kind audience, it is-

ALL (Including Noah): THE END!

(Stage darkens.)