Eren's POV:

    The next morning, I went straight to class, finishing up some last minute work. When the bell rang, I put my stuff away and sat quietly at my desk, watching the different kids slowly stream into the classroom. To my dismay, my face lit up when I saw (Y/N) walk into the room.

    Eren, you idiot, what are you trying to prove to Mikasa? I reminded myself. I wanted to see if she read through my letter— wanting someone to like you isn't a capital crime, is it? The second my eyes met hers, her stare was filled with sheer loathing. I dropped my eyes to the ground sadly. So, the letter was a failure. I noticed too, that Jean never walked in.

    Nutrition and second period passed by in a blur. Jean had arrived to class halfway into second period and had to stay late to talk to Shadis. Soon enough, it was time for lunch. I met with Mikasa and Armin to eat in the back corner of the room. Armin did his best to console me, even though I had told him a hundred times that I didn't need consoling.

    "I don't believe you," he said. "I saw your expression when (Y/N) glared at you. You were devastated."

    I argued with him some more until Mikasa got tired of it and kicked me out of my seat.

    "Shut up," she said shortly. "The bell is about to ring. Let's go to class."

    When we arrived in the plain, tan room, I sat in my plastic chair and doodled on my desk. Ymir was sitting to my right, and I saw her texting cooly. Her screen flashed towards me and I saw that she was talking to (Y/N). I read the text (Y/N) had just sent her:

    "Fuck eren tho. He's been ruining my life since day one." And then she threw in an "uwu" after— whatever the purpose of that was. Not like I had room to judge, but I'm not sure that was the right time for that emoji. My face fell. Why did she decide to hate me to a new extreme all of a sudden? Was what I did really so horrendous?

    The rest of the week was the same. (Y/N) would burn into me every time I walked by with her piercing stare, and talk shit about me with her friends. Although, I could judge by their expressions that they were as surprised as I was by her current aggression.

    I was definitely feeling worse. School was not enjoyable in the slightest. I hated that she hated me. This isn't an entirely accurate term, but for lack of a better word, I'd say I was truly heartbroken. It sucked. And then, things only got worse.

(Y/N)'s POV:

    I never talked to Eren again. If I saw him walking in the halls, I would instantly change subjects in front of my friends to ridicule him. My friends always commented that it seemed a bit excessive, but I ignored them. It's not like this hatred sprung from nothing. How many times had he created problems for me? Showing up uninvited and destroying my relationship with Jean was just the last straw.

    Jean and I were still friends, but there was tension lingering in the air. I still saw that emptiness in his eyes when he looked at me. While things were awful, I decided to come clean and tell him about the different times Eren had visited me, even after Jean kissed me at the roller rink. I reminded him constantly that nothing had happened, plus, Jean and I never put a label on anything, but he was still hurt anyway. I couldn't blame him. Most importantly, I told him about what happened in the closet. I should have told him everything much earlier, but I was too afraid of how he would react— and I was right to be. I knew it would make things worse, but Jean had to come back to me knowing everything.

    He felt betrayed, and his long rivalry with Eren only made him feel even more insecure about it. I could feel him pulling away from me. Ymir was right— this would take time. Although Jean would still talk to me, he'd never tease me or touch me anymore. He'd never flick my forehead or put his arm around my shoulder like he used to. I missed breathing ginger, oak, and rum. It seemed like there was nothing left for us. I blamed Eren. What I had with Jean was dead, at least for now, but who knows if he'd ever come back to me.

    Almost a month had passed since I had been with him. All I could do was wait. Wait painfully for the day when I'd be able to feel Jean's skin against mine again. My euphoria with him was short-lived. Eren destroyed everything, like he always did. Even if I didn't want to be angry with him, I'd still have to be just as ruthless. Ymir always pointed out that there was no need to be this ruthless, but, like I said, it was necessary. I didn't forget about what Mikasa had said about Jean and I: "Keeping the both of you together is another way to keep Eren out of things." Since Jean was no longer with me, I had to take extra precautions. So, yeah, I'd have to be an extra asshole. I didn't mind though.

    Eren came to school looking worse and worse everyday. His face was always tired and his normally bright, teal-green eyes were covered with haze. His appearances in class had been on and off. When he did show up, all he did was slouch in class with his hoodie pulled over his head, thinking about God knows what. It was sort of depressing. Finally, I decided to ease up with the aggressive comments about him. They were still there, but not nearly as damaging.

    Then, Eren missed an entire week of class— so, Historia, because she is a kind and considerate angel that is too good for this world, finally decided to ask Armin what was wrong. She found out that it was because Eren's dad had left them. Apparently, one morning the family had woken up and Grisha Yeager was nowhere to be found. Mikasa was suffering too, but she was always put together in public. She never missed class to mourn. Of course, she had never been especially close with Mr. Yeager, since he was technically not her father, but his leaving had definitely taken its toll on her. As much as she tried to hide it, everyone could tell that she was falling apart too. On Friday morning, Mikasa was gone too. It seemed that both of them were missing.

    On my walk home from school that day, my mind was spinning with a million thoughts about Grisha and his family. I felt horrible. Eren was an asshole, but he didn't deserve this. It felt even worse knowing that my backhanded comments were only making things more difficult for him. It was selfish and cruel of me to do that.

    When I arrived home, I headed straight for my bed. On my walk over, I tripped over my rug and fell face-down onto the hardwood floor. I didn't bother to move. Instead, I stared underneath my bed, watching the dust float around and pile up against the wall. Something white caught my eye. I reached for it and pulled the folded up paper out of the dust cloud. It was addressed to me.

    It was Eren's letter.

    I had never read it. I decided that it was probably time to give him a chance. If this was his poor attempt at an apology, I should at least do him the courtesy of reading it.

    I unfolded the paper and read the words written in a scribbly, messy font. It was a list.

(Y/N),

    I decided to write this letter to you because I knew that after my fight with Jean, you would never let me apologize to you in person. I've failed you since day one. I was never a good friend to you, and I finally decided that it was time to make things right. I know you think that I'm unaware of how much of an asshole I am. This list is to tell you that you're wrong.

The list was marked with different dates, each section written in a different colored pen:

8/27- the first day of school. A new girl at school opened her locker and hit me in the face. It pissed me off, so knocked all of her school supplies out of her hands. She didn't say anything back to me.

8/28- second day. I was bored during PE and wanted to irritate Jean, so I made fun of the new girl. I found out earlier that her name was (Y/N). Things got bloody quickly. When (Y/N) saw me at the infirmary, she handed me a towel to clean myself up. I ignored the gesture and insulted her again. This time, she swept me off my feet with a kick. I deserved it.

11/12- for the last two months I've been tripping and pushing (Y/N) cos I've been bored. I don't know why I don't stop. She hasn't done anything about it.

11/14- soccer tryouts were today. (Y/N) tripped. I couldn't help it— I had to laugh. That pissed her off. In response, she kicked me in the face with a soccer ball. It was impressive. It sent me to the infirmary. Can't lie— I deserved it.

11/14- the same day she came in to apologize. I ignored it and mocked her again. Even so, she gave me her lunch and promised me that she'd tell me if I made the team.

11/15- (Y/N) visited me and told me I made the soccer team. I shoved her away, mocking per usual. She still didn't do anything.

12/13- we left for the soccer tournament. (Y/N) had to partner up with me on the bus. I refused to talk to her for the entire trip. She didn't bother to say anything. 

12/14- (Y/N) forgot to bring her sweatshirt to our first game. Per usual, I instinctively started making fun of her. She didn't acknowledge it.

12/15- I heard something happen between Jean and (Y/N) downstairs. I decided to be nosy and annoy her to ruin her day. She didn't hold it against me.

12/16- we played 7 minutes in heaven. I lied and said I pulled (Y/N)'s paper out of the bowl. I had a good time, but instead of admitting it to myself, I said it was because I wanted to get back at Jean. Because of my intentions, she left me in the closet and didn't speak to me for the rest of the trip.

1/3- I forced (Y/N) to come with me to IHOP. I left her there on the street after she told me about she and Jean. It was only because I didn't want to hear it. She didn't do anything about it. Again. Honestly, it's getting kind of annoying. I wish she'd give me a reaction or something.

1/15- I got in a fight with Jean and accidentally punched (Y/N) in the face. As repentance, she flipped me onto the floor. It hurt like crazy, but I deserved it.

    (Y/N), I hope this stupid list makes you realize that I was keeping track of all of the horrible things that I've done to you so that, when the time came, I could apologize for absolutely everything. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I just didn't have the strength. I'm sorry for these horrible months. I don't expect you to forgive me— that would be too kind of you. There is no excuse for what I've done.

    I realize now that I've been in denial. I won't admit it to myself or any of my friends, but I suppose I'll admit it to you:

    After that sentence, there were three words he had crossed out. I held the paper up to the light, but I still couldn't read it. Next to whatever he removed, he wrote: "I want to be your friend." At the bottom of the page he signed his name. I flipped the paper over. He had written his letter on the back of a recipe for Madeleines. Maybe I should try and make those.

    I wasn't sure what to think of Eren's letter. It left me with a lot more questions than answers. The fact that he tallied every day he was mean to me was interesting— but, if he cared that much, why didn't he just stop doing it? Or apologize sooner? There was no logical explanation for why Eren continued to interfere with me when he did, instead of just leaving me alone. Regardless, I was touched. He wrote every possible thing, down to the most minute detail. Half of the things written on the list, he had repaired shortly after— like the one about my sweatshirt at the soccer game. I wondered why he didn't acknowledge that... Now, I felt even more terrible about the weeks I had spent dissing Eren for no practical reason, besides him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He came to my house on the night of the party with good intentions.

    This list had driven me to a revelation: Eren didn't ruin things with Jean. I did. I threw my blame onto him because I didn't know what else to do. I projected my rage about losing Jean unjustly onto Eren. I reread his letter over and over. What happened to the times where I did nothing? When I would just let him be and never go out of my way to be rude to him? When I only reacted to him because it was necessary?

    Now, all I had done was act rudely when Eren had done nothing. It seemed that we had switched roles over the course of the year. Although, my comments were spit with much more malice when I said them than when he ever did. It seemed that Eren and I were more similar that I originally thought, and I realized this cycle of hating each other would continue until I decided to do something.