Raindrops hit the roof, releasing my tears. My eyes are burning. I thought I've cried out all my tears. After tomorrow, I'll no longer be Mrs. Ben Cushing.

After tomorrow, I'll no longer be a full-time mother.

My stomach wrenches with grief, bitter, a welcome change to the numbness I fell into
earlier today.

I shift on the couch and put my feet on the coffee table to stretch my weary body. A pile of unopened mail I have neglected falls on the floor as I cross and uncross my feet.

Looking around, I can't find it in myself to care that the Ben's mail are scattered all over the floor. I'm the only one living here now.

Ben took our sons, Luke and Cole, to stay at his mother's house.

This was never my dream house, but it was home. Now, it's a shell. I used to take pride in keeping a neat house. I kept everything perfect. I made sure to tidy everything before Ben got home from work every day or night or whatever time he decieded to show up.

I shove the memories away bend over to pick up the mail. It's mostly bills, but I catch the flash of Kennebunk Library return address as I flip through the pile.

"Luke probably has an overdue book," I say with a sigh. My voice is the first human voice I've heard all day.

I pull the envelope from the library out of the pile and put the rest of the mail into a Hannaford's grocery bag. I let out a big sigh, I'm way too nice to not give him all the bills that are due, I'll bring them with me to the courthouse tomorrow. Nice girls finish last.

Instead of Luke's name on the front – he was so proud to sign up for his first library card when he could write his name– the letter is addressed to me. My name stares at me in bold letters: Isa Cushing.

Why would the Kennebunk Library be mailing me? I haven't checked out a book since I checked out What to Expect When You're Expecting when the first pregnancy test showed two pink lines five years ago.

The creamy envelope paper rips under my fingertips I pull the letter from the envelope.

Dear Mrs. Cushing,

Congratulations! You have won the St. John, USVI, getaway package in our fundraising prize drawing. The prize includes roundtrip airfare from Portland, ME, and hotel accommodations at the Cinnamon Bay Villas for two people. Please contact us as soon as possible to claim your prize.
Thank you for your support of literacy and your local library!

Martha Sullivan
Executive director, Kennebunk Library

I won? I won a trip? I've forgotten all about entering this drawing. I bought the raffle tickets in the lobby of the supermarket months ago with whimsy thinking that perhaps Ben's parents wouldn't mind watching the boys for a week so Ben and I could finally take the honeymoon we never took.

Well, at least Martha Sullivan seems excited for me. The trip is for two; The trip comes a little too late for me and Ben. Who would I take with me? I don't have any close friends, none who I would travel with. Ben has made it clear he doesn't want me anymore. I chuckle ruefully. The honeymoon is over before it ever started.

I'm just numb and uncertain about the future.

A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts.

I put the letter back in the envelope and place the stack back on the coffee table.

Opening the door, Ben stands there in the dark, wet from the rain. The cold damp air from the storm almost knocks me over. 

I don't say anything.  I just look at him wondering why?  Why would he be here? Why would he come here the night before we get divorced?

"Hi, may I come in?" Ben smiles with the smile I fell in love with years ago.

"It's your house."  And I step aside allowing him to enter.

"Did you forget something" Thinking there must be something he needs for Luke.

"No, I just wanted to talk.  See how you are doing."

"Oh."  I wasn't expecting that and now I am suspicious.  He wants something. 

"Isa, I miss you." Ben grabs my hand and pulls me back over to the couch to sit.

"Ben, please don't do this tonight.  If you need something for the boys, I will get it.  I just don't have it in me tonight to play games."

"No.  Isa.  I came to see you." Ben looks into my eyes, my stomach churns. I don't trust him "I've had a lot of time to think and I really miss you.  I miss us." Ben is still holding onto my hand. "We had a good life and I fucked it all up. I'm so sorry."

"Ben, how can I believe you ever again.  Please leave now. I will see you tomorrow" I stand up to show him the door so he gets the point I don't want him here.

Ben stands up next to me and he puts his arms around me. He's hugging me. He's upset. He wants my support.  He wants my love. He wants my forgiveness. 

I don't hug him back.  I don't love him anymore.  I don't trust him, but it feels good to be in his arms and I feel my exhausted body start to melt in his arms. I forgot how much bigger he is than me and how much I like that.

Ben starts to kiss my neck and hugs me a little harder.  I feel him become increasingly hard against my leg.  A distant memory, one I never thought would happen ever again.

I'm so tired of trying to resist him and tired of trying to keep our family together over the past who knows how long, and tired of everything else going on in my life that I give into to him. I am very weak tonight and he knows it. He must be weak tonight too.

"You did this to me.  I have been thinking about you so much.  I miss you, I want you."

Why is it easy for me to believe every word he is saying? We did have a past. Did we have love? I think I did. We did have attraction to each other? I think I did.  It wasn't all bad.  Maybe, this is what he wants. Maybe, he does want our family to be together. This is what I always wanted.

Ben kisses me and I kiss him back, hard, because I need this right now. This is my last chance to keep our family together.

He leads me to our bedroom, our marital bed. It's unmade and the linens haven't been changed in a month. There are piles of dirty laundry on the floor all over the room. I guess it's a reflection of how I have been feeling about life.

"Do you want me?" Ben asks me and I affirmingly nod yes.

Ben starts to undress me, kissing my collar bone sweetly. He's taking care of me first. He wants me to feel good first.  He wants me.  He wants us. This is new. He has never cared to take care of my needs first, let alone take care of my needs. I assumed he either didn't know how or he just didn't care.

I help him get out of his pants and there he was.  A very familiar distant memory that has come back to me, but it's a memory of how I wanted our marriage to be like. Not how our marriage actually was.

He sat me down on the messed-up bed and told me to lay back while he knelt on the floor in front of my dangling legs. Ben took his big hands and separated my thighs holding my legs open so he has unimpeded access to me.

He kissed the insides of my thighs making his way up to my folds. Expertly using his tongue to navigate drove his tongue inside me, and it didn't take long to make me moan. He knew exactly how to use his tongue circling and flicking my clit and making me come, and when I did, he didn't let up, he kept going and extended my climax until I was too sensitive to be touched and I reached down and pulled his head away. I have never known him to be this un-selfish. After all the time we were married, never once did he try to bring me to orgasm. I would always take care of myself when he wasn't around.

Sex with Ben had always been in a dark room. There was never any affection. There was never any foreplay. It was more of a chore, a marital chore. It was a never a fun expression of love. I always hoped it would get better, but it never did. The longer our marriage went on the more distant the sex was. Tonight was the first night I ever had an orgasm with him in the room.

When he sensed I needed a break, he again asked me, "Do you want me?"

"Yes."  I said trying to find the breath to produce the word.  Hearing that, he stood up and moved me further up on the bed.  He was on top of me, positioned as though he was doing a push-up, and drove himself inside me, moving in and out and looking straight ahead. His eyes fixed on an unknown focal point above the bed. After a few mini-thrusts of his hips, he froze and let out a toxic moan.

That was it. He was done.  He came and then there was nothing. No kisses, no hugs, no emotion.  He just came, rolled off me and stared at the ceiling.

I didn't know what to say which is a good thing, because I was afraid to say anything. And I now know our marriage  is really over. After all these years, he chose not to have a happy marriage. Not to have an intimately close marriage. He came here tonight to make sure I knew this. One more dagger in my heart.

I thought I was accepting him for who he is 'for better or worse.' I tried to talk to him the about the lack of intimacy, both emotional and physical. But then the babies came and he became too busy. I took care of his needs and I took care of my needs.

Until tonight, I didn't think he knew how to please a woman. I even thought he might be gay. But now, I think he is

I had no idea that he even knew how to make me happy, how to please me until tonight. He knew all along. It was some warped game he played. He never had any intention of having a happy, intimate marriage with me.

Ben got up, dressed and walked out of the room. 

I quickly pulled on a robe and ran out to the living room where he was standing.

"I'll see you tomorrow in court." Ben said as he pulled on his coat and shut the door behind him.

I watched out the window as he got into his car and drove away.  I guess I should be more affected by this latest, but I'm not.  I was numb when he showed up earlier and I'm just as numb now.  I have no more tears left to cry over the end of our marriage, it is definitely over.