(I wrote this in 2014)

"Holy- fuck! Someone, close the sun." An annoying squeak came from beside me, "Are you hungover? Get your ass out of bed and close the curtains yourself." Ah, Charlie. She was a tiny little mouse who was impossible to kill. I know because I spent the first few years attempting to do so. We've become friends since then, and have been for a few years now. We have an understanding, at least.

"Where's my goddamn coffee?" My stepmother calls me from somewhere in the house, her voice echos throughout like a fire alarm. Being as my room was the attic, I was fairly certain it came from downstairs. I didn't care for the low ceilings, but it was the warmest room.

She isn't even actually my stepmother- she was my father's mistress before both my parents died from a heart attack. You know why? Because I came out as bisexual. I knew it was going to be bad but you don't expect your parents to die, you know? Faint-hearted assholes.

"Where's my goddamn coffee?" She loved me, didn't she? Of course not, the fucking whore. I don't understand why it's so difficult for parents to love their children. Charlie made her noisy way to the door and tried to open it. "C'mon."

"Wait a fucking second, okay? I'm still in pajamas." In the middle of pulling on an apron, I open the door for her. Her admirer (who is forever friend-zoned) Michael, quickly tails after her, after saluting me. Poor guy. "Cas!"

"One fucking second!" It's not like I actually yelled that. To my stepmother? Can you imagine? I'd be made into leather shoes by the next morning. More like, I stubbed my toe while whispering. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Selfish bitch." Again, whispered. I drag my ass downstairs and make her coffee. Eventually, Lizzy and Anna come down as well, demanding attention. I hate mornings. "Yes, I have your fucking coffee- just wait!" The doorbell rings. "Really? Fuck it." I drop the coffee and little desserts on the table and run for the door. I have to do literally everything in this household.

"Hello Good Sir, can I help you this fine fucking morning?" A little kid with floppy hair is on the other side. Cute, scrawny, and clearly in the same mood as me. 

"My mom made me give every single girl without a husband an invitation to my asshole older brother's party." The poor kid looked tired, welcome to the club.

"Why do I give a shit?"

The kid looks up at me through eyes with an unidentifiable color. Like seriously, are they brown or blue or- what the hell. They change every time I look at him. "Cause he's the prince?" Oh, that would explain things.

"Well, I'll pass along the message-" But before I can turn to leave the kid stops me, hair majestically flopping in the wind (is there a fan hidden that no one told me about? Stage lights? What's up with sparkly eyes all of a sudden?).

"You'll come, right? Please?" I look at him and his watering eyes, "No, I'm afraid I...," The longer I stared, I just, I couldn't. "But... FINE. We'll see. Now, scram." 

...Later that evening,

"What do you mean I can't go?" My stepmother sneers at me, "You're far too ugly, why would you even want to go?" Oh, this approach. 

"To ease them into you and your fat ass." Her eyes bulge out of her skull like she can't possibly believe I'd talk back to her. Bruh, we live together, you know I'm this sassy.

"That's it! You're staying home. C'mon girls, let's get away from this filth." They start walking towards the parlor, large dresses taking up the entirety of the hallway.

"I will spit in your coffee." She flips me off, not looking back.

"Fuck you, too." So I went upstairs with Charlie, hoping to watch some Netflix before they got home, but I was interrupted.

"Going somewhere?" A mint green-haired, short guy with pastel pink wings, stops in front of me. Big dick vibes.

"Who are you!?"

"Do I look like a fucking hippo? I'm a fairy, genius." Aren't they allergic to honey or something? I think I have some in the pantry... 

He frowns. "Fuck you, I'm adorable."

I look at him, "You can read my mind?" He nods and puts his hand on his hip for good measure, "Great." He frowns. "Well now that introductions are done-"

"What? I don't know your name?" He smacks me with his plastic wand. "Ow." I rub my shoulder where he hit. "Tyler. Now, do you like lace or silk? Pink or Green?" What?

"Well you do know you're going to that party, don't you? You promised Sammy!" I stare at the crazy dwarf in front of me. "And I have to dress up?"

"Yes." I sigh, exasperatedly. "I don't want to go anymor-"

"They have cheesecake" We stare at each other.

"Both, and white." Poof, some sort of glass-like glitter rained over me and the next thing I know is I'm wearing this short little lace g-string. "Umm, I don't think this is appropriate-" But it continues growing until I have a tight vest and tights on. "I'm supposed to dance in this?"

Tyler hits me with the wand again, this time zinging my arm. "Ow." The sparkles come again and this time I'm in a black silk shirt, white pants, and white vest. "Now, get your lazy ass to the ball."

"Don't I need a car or something?" He hits me again. 

"WOULD YOU STOP THAT?" He sticks his tongue out at me.

"The party's two blocks down the street, don't be a cow." And off I went.

"He had to give me boots, really? What are these made out of? Glass?" God, no. I look down, and sure enough, see-through, far too heavy to be plastic, four-inch heel boots. "Ah, the fucker. How am I supposed to dance in these?" Every step had me dragging my feet. "Fuck."

"Those are definitely not the words you expect to leave someone's mouth. Though I'm glad because all of these airheaded twits can't even say my name right." A young man, but seemingly older than me, approached me. "Who are you?" The guy smiled, pleased, "My name is Damu."

"Well, that isn't hard to say." He laughs. "Yeah, I know." He was pretty, admittingly. Perfect cocoa skin and luminous green eyes. I'm gay. "So who dragged you here?"

"My parents." Ah. "Thought you could use a girlfriend, or to socialize in general?" He shrugs and leads me outside, "A little bit of everything I guess."

...Three hours later,

I drank way too much champagne. WAAAAAAY too much. "Do you think she would go for me?" I pointed to a pretty brunette with a purple dress. "No man, she is way straight, look at the way she's looking at Sammy." 

I frown, "Isn't that like pedophilia?" 

He nods, "Probably."

As you probably guessed, we were drunk off our asses. "How about her?" A tall blonde with a black gown danced past us. She made eye contact with me and winked. "I am either so drunk I'm hallucinating or she winked at me." Damu gets up from his sitting position, "No dude she winked at me!" And he ran to her.

Son of a bitch. A different male approaches me, tall, rugged, green-eyed; I mean, what is in the water, man? Damn, these eyes people. "Who are you?" I slur. 

"You're drunk, really?" His face is really shady, all lines and shit. A strong case of RBF. He picks me up like I'm a fucking bride or something. "DON't DO thaT!" I'm really dizzy, I notice. "Did the music get louder?"

He just shakes his head, I think, at least. It might be my head that's shaking. "You're pretty." He looks down at me. "You have no idea who I am, do you?" I just stare at him. "I would shake my head but I'm gonna die." 

He laughs and pulls me closer. "My name is Dean."

"That sounds like Diana, can I call you Diana?" He frowns, "No." 

"Okay then, Diana." He sighs. He carries me away from the party, I can tell because the music is getting farther away. I can't see the people around us without moving my head, I simply focus all my energy on one stubble hair on his face that seems to be coming out at a different angle than the rest.

"You do that a lot." His eyebrow perks up, "Sigh?"

"Yeah. Why don't you smile for me?" So he does, very fake. "You look like someone who just saw his sister naked and has to pretend for the rest  of his life that he's okay when he's actually traumatized and can never be intimate with another women again without coming to terms with his incestuous fantasies." Dean looks at me like I'm crazy, before laughing. He smiles genuinely. It takes my breath away. 

His eyes crinkle and he looks at me, "Who are you?"

"Cas." 

"Well Cas, let's get you sober." He sits me down somewhere, in a different room. All lush red statin everything. I'm sitting on a bed. He hands me a water bottle, but instead of letting me drink it, he pours it all over me. He takes a seat across from me on a chair.

"Fuck! That's cold! Where the hell do you get those? The Arctic?" He laughs.

"Actually yeah, they're imported." I look at him, you know the look.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life." 

He smiles again, "Yeah, I know." He leans into me, "You're the funniest person I've meet in all my life."

I nod, "I'm drunk, might have something to do with it." The room moves with my head, heavy jarring movements. Not a smart idea. He smiles and lifts a warm hand to my cold cheek. I entertain the notion that I might be fucking gay. I lean in a little-

He lets his hand fall, but he scoots his chair closer, "So Cas, how are you?" He speaks so articulately, and yet I don't know what it is but he sounds like a cowboy. 

"Okay. Cold, I guess. Wet. Horny. Hungry; I was promised cheesecake." 

He gets up immediately and reaches for a cupboard on the other side of the room. I thought we were having a moment but apparently not? "Is chocolate cheesecake fine?" 

"I stopped thinking at 'chocolate'." I have forgiven him. There appears to be a hidden mini-fridge in this bedroom. Truly an amazing idea. He cuts us both a slice. 

"I am going to eat the whole thing, but it is nice of you to cut it for me." He smiles, and hands me the plate with a fork. I prepare my first bite, the cake sitting pretty on the end of my utensil.

"Can I kiss you?" He blurts out. The cake that was on my fork drops.

"What?!" I'm certain I misheard him.

He stares at me, intently, "Can I kiss you?" This is so weird. I've never been asked to be kissed.

"With a face like that, you can do whatever you want." Surely he has to understand that he's beautiful. He leans in, like, even closer, so I stop breathing. But before his lips could touch mine I fart.

There is silence.

Then he starts laughing so hard he chokes. Listen, I was in a stressful situation. He holds up his finger as if to give him a moment. Then he looks at me seriously, sees me blushing, and starts laughing again. "Oh, God, Cas. Marry me." He's still laughing.

"Alright. It's funny, I get it, but I'm still wet." Dean gets up and grabs a tunic from another cupboard and hands it to me, opening the door to the bathroom, evidently. He seems to know this place so well. Are we still in the castle?

"Go change." I took the tunic in my hands.

"You think it's alright to just steal somebody's clothes?" 

He's silent. I don't even think I can hear him breathing. To be fair I don't think I could hear anyone breath but I just got the vibe that he was freaking out. "I'm sure everything is fine." He smiles stiffly.

After a beat, "So what do you think of the Prince?" 

Why is this a topic of interest? I walk two feet into the immense bathroom, keeping the door ajar. "I don't know, his brother calls him an asshole. I haven't even seen the guy." I peel off my wet clothes and put on the green tunic. When I open the door Dean is covering his face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just. You know what- do you want to dance?" He seems upset, but I gladly take his hand and he leads out. We were still in the castle but the walls were a bit blurry to me, but we definitely took one set of stairs and he had to carry me again. "You know your way around."

"Yeah, I work here." Oh, that makes sense.

"Oh, cool." On the edge of the dance floor, a slow song comes on. "Seriously? Like is this is not the most romantic thing possible." I grunt. Dean pulls me close and I lay my head awkwardly on his shoulder. "I can't guarantee I'll enjoy this."

"Just shhh." I make eye contact with Damu, dancing with the blonde from earlier. He smiles at me and gives me the thumbs up. I do so back. Good job buddy.

We end up dancing for several hours.

...00:00,

"Oooooh! It's midnight." A loud voice shrills from above. "It is now time for the Prince to have his dance."

"Dammit, Cas." My partner unwraps himself from me. "Hey, what's wrong?" At this point I am wobbly, and without his structural support, I need to lean against the wall. Dean looks at me pained.

The kid from the door, Sammy (I think the elf said) comes jogging up. "Hey Dean- you!" He spots me, and exclaims in surprise. "I came, squirt. Little buggy man. Why is your hair so shiny." He smiles and gives me a hug, "Well, Dean has to go now but maybe after-"

I look at Dean, who still appears constipated. "Why does Dean have to go?" 

Sammy's eyebrows go way up and his lips collect together into a circle. He laughs nervously, "Uh, Dean, did you lie or is he seriously this dense?" They were now treating me like I wasn't even here. HelLO i AM part of this conversation. I am not dense. I am thick, though. Fuck yeah.

Dean swallows and looks at me. He smiles awkwardly. "Um, I'm the Prince?" The spotlight hits us. "PRINCE DEAN WILL NOW-" But I don't hear.

I squint at him, due to the fucking light but also because he doesn't seem like the same person. "You're the Prince?" It occurs to me that I am also in the spotlight.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. If anyone finds out I'm here- If anyone finds out I danced with the Prince- My stepmother would have my ass on a stick. "Listen, I- I have to go!" I book it.

"No- Cas!" I run for my life. I had nothing against Dean, but seriously. My life could not get more cliche than this. So I run, naturally. Shoes clunking with every step.

-And my boot starts slipping off. "You glass, piece of shit, you! Just can't fucking stay on!" I pause, to take one off. Dean continues chasing me, but it appears some people are trying to hold him back. I wonder if I can run the two blocks? I end up throwing the other shoe in a bush somewhere and gunning it. Dean continued running after me, but he stopped some time on the second block. 

He had tenacity- I'll give him that. But no one outruns me! I nearly passed out once I hit my bed. Charlie was screaming in my ear. "How was it? How was it?" I was far too tired to care. Around 03.00. My stepmother and sisters came home and that was it. God forbid, I have anything to do with that ball again.

...Next Tuesday,

"Ding fucking dong one more time, see what happens. I DARE YO-" I wrench the door open to Sammy. I don't hesitate before I attempt to slam the door on him. "Okay listen here fucker-" He throws his foot in the way. He yelps when the door hits him. "My brother is going bat shit insane for you. I haven't told him anything, but if you really have no heart and don't care about him- hide your pretty little ass because he's on his way here right now to look for you." Then his foot was gone.

Fuck. I run upstairs just in time to hear the door ring again. And again, and again, and again, "Cas get the fucking door!" 

"No!" So my stepmother gets Lizzy to do it. "OH! IT'S THE PRINCE! GET YOUR BITCHY ASS DOWN HERE, IT'S THE PRINCE!" So they all trot down like the thirsty women they are. Meanwhile, I'm squatting behind my door.

"I'm sorry, but I'm looking for a man?" I hear his voice. The acoustics in this house were just perfect for eavesdropping.  

"AMAN? WE DON'T KNOW AN AMAN. I BET I'M PRETTIER THAN HER." I facepalm. How do people that stupid exist? "Good lord," I whisper and roll my eyes.

"Ah, yes, I'll just be leaving then." He sounds uncomfortable. Thank god, I was just about to melt from his voice too. Fuck, I bet he's even more attractive than I remember.

Just when I think I'm okay- Tyler comes out of nowhere and sings, "UPPP HEREEEEE!" Damn he got lungs, operatic as fuck. I try to grab him but he hits me with his wand, "Ow!" 

"Is someone up there?" I didn't need to waste my breath.

"Oh, that just the mice." Why, thank you, Anna. The one time my stepsister does something nice for me.

Then Sammy buts in, "Maybe you should just check." NO NO NO NO. SAMMY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE! My face is contorted into anger, but I refuse to make a sound. Charlie hugs my ankle, while I am covering Tyler's mouth in an attempt to silence him. A few very long seconds pass, and we can hear the steps go up the stairs.

The door opens, slowly. Lo and behold, Dean walks in on me cuddling up to a mouse, with an elf in a pink tutu, with wings and a cheap wand- quite a sight.

After a moment of silence, I suppose disbelieve on our parts, Tyler hits me with his wand. "Ow! It's your fault!" Dean completely ignores him and makes his way to me and pulls me up- Charlie protesting. He grabs my arms. "It's you." 

He's so FUCKING GORGEOUS. HOLY COW. "Can I kiss you?" He asks me, he's so serious and weird. 

"You can do whatever the fuck you want, let's just hope I don't fart again." Did I actually say that? Did I need to say that? I could die now. He laughs. Then he looks all serious again, as he holds my face, gently, and kisses me.

See this would be the part where I explains what it feels like, but seeing as I was not thinking, or breathing, actually I think I died for a moment, I would not be able to. He lets me go and looks at me. I decide to open my mouth. "Do we get married now or something?"

"I think we should start dating, maybe save you from this hellhole- we can wait for marriage and all that." He smiles at me, finally dropping the serious act.

 "Cheesecake?" I whisper.

"You can have all the cheesecake in the world," He brings his lips up to my ear. "Why is there a short man in a pink tutu with green hair in your room?" He whispers.

Panicked I look to Tyler, he shrugs. "He's a stripper?"

WHACK! "Ow!"

We ended up going to the palace where I learned that Damu worked, and he ended up getting married to the blonde. Sammy is refusing to stop playing with his action figures, Tyler's hair is now purple, I eat cheesecake every day. Life is good. Now if you're wondering if Dean and I ever got married-

We did. Eventually. After about four engagements.

You know, when Tyler stopped hiding our rings.

And we lived happily ever after- regardless of that time when DEAN WAS THE ONE WHO ATE THE LAST COOKIE BUT NOOO- Yeah, still not over it.

And we lived happily ever after, The End.