third person pov

' it's not like me to be so mean
you're all I wanted '

For the three days following Rose freaking out on everyone, she did not move from bed. She never really knew the mania was happening until after doing something awful and it would send her into a depression spiral. The fall didn't come slowly, instead she'd go from the top of the world to the deepest pits.

Today is Monday and all the boys skipped out on classes with her. They didn't say anything mean nor harsh, only lounged in her big bed and read with the exception of Blaise who slept. Theo made an appointment for Rose to get her medication refilled tomorrow while Whitman explained everything to Dumbledore who offered them his floo.

She knew what was coming.

The depression.

But as everyone fell asleep around six pm, Rose finally woke up to a letter being dropped by her head.

Signed and dated by a Theodore Nott Sr.

The letter made her physically throw up along with a horrendous panic attack before writing a messy note for Theo to meet her at the astronomy tower when he awakened.

She now stood at the very top of the tower. Icy air of the coming winter made a flush creep up her neck, wind whipping against the tired limbs covered in a knitted sweater.

At least she can breath up here.

Rose has cried for so long both eyes sting with remnants of anguish. All she is capable of is reading the parts of the long, very long letter that stick out.

' I ended up buying that file from Burke, your PI, to protect you since there are no adults left to do so. Something unexpected laid inside. I know of your infertility and apologize... '

' But you cannot be a wife and not make heirs...'

' You've ruined your public image '

' The sad truth is you are not the one men marry... '

' A girl of such mental caliber should be with one of her own, I've heard of you recent suitor Mattheo Riddle. Keep courting that boy. You will not speak of this letter to Theodore and you will put a very large distance between the two of you if you wish no harm to be done unto him. '

' I forbid you from every pursing anything with my son... '

' Theodore might carry a strong power but we both very well know my son is no match against me. If you do not follow my instructions then his life will becoming a labyrinth of pain. One you will be responsible for and.... '

Maybe in different state of mind Rose would never accept this. She'd march into Nott Manor and show the senior that he could never separate her from Theo.

But she laid in a deep pit of self-hatred and pity. Only leading to her believing every word. She wasn't fit to ever be married, not even for a minute. Her inability to bear children was a curse she should never force another into dealing with from simply loving her. So many other things that made her the wrong person for anyone.

Most of all though, Rose could not let harm be done unto Theo. Never. She would never be a selfish human but when it came to love, when it came to him, she couldn't help her sudden selfishness. Despite this, Rose didn't hold the energy to fight any more bad men or women.

Just tired, so very tired.

The thought of telling Theo and urging him to get rid of his father came but shut down almost immediately. He wouldn't be capable of such, holding onto too much hope for the day his father returned love.

What she didn't realize was all bets were off when it came to her. If Theo did see that letter, he'd bury his father six feet under without a head.

None of that mattered in the end because Rose saw truth inside those lines scribbled in old English. Theo did deserve better, he deserved a million times more than she could ever be capable of giving anyone. 

Still, if Theo's health wasn't on the line, even in her exhausted state—Rose would selfishly admit how utterly consumed she is in love with him. Beg the boy to give her one chance to be everything she wished. Tear down the walls she built in fear and lay her heart on the table for the only thing she ever truly wanted.

There was no Walburga now though, no one to protect her or guide her on how to get rid of Theodore Nott Sr.

She had to protect Theo.

She had to set him free.

If that mean suffering then so be it. He'd be safe and breathing somewhere, that's all that really mattered.

The husky but breathless voice of Theo floats into her ears, missing the creaking wooden floor as he steps into the level floor of the tower. "Ro?"

Each hair across the back of her neck stands up at his presence she could always feel. Rose quickly crumbles the letter up and slides the parchment into her baggy sleeve. Aggressively, she wiped her face before turning to him with a closed-lip smile.

She speaks tiredly and attempts to hide the shake to her voice, "Hey Teddy" Luckily it is so dark with only the moon and stars shinning through the clear roof that she can hope he can't see much.

"You're out of bed. That's a good step, love." says Theo, beginning to cross over toward her. His deep blues turn to the sky as he takes his time walking, "I feared something was wrong when you left..."

"I just want to talk to you." Gods, that statement is true. She needed to talk to him for so long. Never in her life had she went a day without him stimulating her mind or even something as simple as asking what lunar cycle it was. But this is not what she would ever wish to talk of. "Alone, I mean."

Theo glides his hands into the hoodie pocket upon halting with a foot between them. There's a slight smile he sends up to the moon at the words and her soft tone. "Really?" He asks and looks down, head tilting to the left. "You and the moon love, so similar in my eyes. I could never look at the rock and not think of you."

He appears comforting in a way in which she cannot properly explain. A strand of fluffy brow curls hanging on his forehead, gleaming with highlights of gold in this lighting. The confident and towering presence that would intimidate most but all she can think about is the only place that's ever felt safe was in his arms, as awfully cheesy as it sounds. Soft, loose cotton hanging off his limbs along with a cinnamon smell that ignites her sense. It feels like a knife to the gut to think about how warm his tanned skin was underneath. The far and few freckles he adorns, one a little ways under his left eye that she proclaimed all those years ago to have given him in a past life.

And those soft, soft mesmerizing eyes that never left her for moment of her existence.

A lump forms inside Rose's throat and it feels as if every air way is being constricted. The only thing she wants to do is hold onto him. Beg for mercy from some higher power to stop forbidding her loving him.

He's home.

And Gods, she missed home so badly.

Theo reaches for her chin at the silence, "Ro—"

She pulls his hand away, tightening every muscle to prevent the flood gate of tears from opening. "There are things we never spoke about but we both knew, deep down we knew. Maybe it was the fear of knowing once we took that—" She halts for a moment. "—that step, we knew we could never go back. I don't know but...I need to make myself clear."

Theo can barely hold himself together as he takes uneven breaths.

"It's not what you expect, Teddy. I just thought it was only right you hear this first." She attempts to meet his eye, "I am now—" The ability to breath is long gone and she has to look away, unable to say this to his face. "I'm officially dating Mattheo."

"What?!" He chokes up, features turning into one of pain. "You're really going to date that kid? Since...since when?"

Rose turns her head to him. Theo is standing in a mix of emotions she cannot place, face tense and angry. It takes every deep seed of power she holds to speak firmly. "He asked me a bit ago but gave me some terms, I'm going to agree."

It was not a lie, Mattheo had asked but he also begged for a lot of other things along with it.

"Terms?! Are you signing a business deal?" Theo all but shouted. He runs a hand through his hair, a tell-tell sign of stress before spewing out words he doesn't mean to say. "Do you love him?"

"No." She answers too quickly for her own comfort, "But he has asked be to create some distance between us....I have to do it."

To protect you.

"Do you even hear yourself?!" He breathes out in shock, tapping the side of his head with a resounding voice. "You're—" Theo doesn't understand anything happening, "—you're going to let some boy you don't even love come between us?!"

"There is no us." says Rose, tilting her chin down to stare at the floor. "We were never together, Teddy."

The only comparable feeling is when you ride a rollercoaster and you get to the very top. Then, suddenly your going down and your gut starts to hallow out like never before. Theo's eyes close in anguish and he rubs a hand over his sharp jaw. Hating himself for the tears that bloom. He was not weak, never had he been such but when it came to her there were no defenses, turning him into a crumbling pool of emotion every time.

It wasn't a lie. They never were together.

But why did he feel like she was tearing his heart to pieces by stating that out loud?

"No...no." He refuses to take this, it would not do. His tone flashes with anger and sorrow, finger pointing to his chest. "Then look at me. Look at me and say all of this. Tell me how he's more important! That he brews real emotion inside of you! That this isn't your way of cowering from how you truly feel!"

Rose bites down on her lip hard enough for blood to surface before meeting his teary gaze. "One day all of my issues you've had to carry will be distant and you'll be laughing with some beautiful girl who you can help through life. I can't be fixed and I'm not broken, this is just how I am."

"Ro!" Theo shouts desperately. His lips purse and head shakes, left palm digging into one eye after the other to wipe the tears that never fell. "I don't want some girl! Where is this even coming from?!"

"Theo," She sighed heavily, tears beginning to get the best of her. "Eventually you will want one though. Then you'll find that nice girl to go all those balls with, a girl who makes you forget about me." Her voice starts to quiver along with her bottom lip, "You have to know that Teddy."

Despite his efforts, new tears form and this time do not hesitate to trickle down. "You're being a coward because you know none of that is true." He rubs a hand over his chest, "It doesn't matter how many times the story is rewritten or how many girls look or act or breath like you. There is no one else and there never will be." A brief pause until his voice comes out strong and he stares deep into her teary eyes. "You know that! You're doing this because you turn into a coward the minute you have to face the fact someone is capable of actually loving you and it breaks my heart that you don't think that's possible!"

Rose begins to spew words like they were printed from the letter, ignoring his claims completely regardless of her need to throw up from how sickening this is to bear. "Whoever you end up with will look so perfect in her wedding dress, your mothers dress Theo. Think about that! I'm not fit for it, I won't make the perfect pureblood bride!" Speaking of his mother brings a whole other level to how hard this all is. Rose looks to him with streaming tears, "And your mothers ring...it would never be right on me and I couldn't bear to wear it. She was a good woman Teddy, a good woman and I'm not!"

"My mother?!" Theo shouts with pure disbelief as he scoops up her face, "She adored you! What are you even talking about brides—"

"She wouldn't adore me now!" Rose yells back shakily, "And your father! He'd never approve even if there was something there with us!"

"If?!" His voice is hoarser than ever now. He takes a deep breath and starts to wipe her tears away, "Since when have I ever cared about him?! Come on Ro...." Theo rolls his tongue against his cheek in exasperation, "What don't you understand? I don't care if I was to be disowned, loose every vault and way of life as long as I don't loose you!"

She accidentally overlaps her hands atop his because all clear thoughts have disappeared, taking in sharp breaths everytime she breathes. "We love each other too much! That's dangerous! You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it! Two people are not supposed to be capable of that!"

"But how do you love me?!" He shoots back instantaneously, grip turning firm as even the air leaving his nose sounds shaky. "How? In which way do you love me?"

Funny thing, timing. Here she was ready to confess it all without worry of the future but the parchment inside her sleeve scraps against her skin. A reminder that he would be harmed if she said it out loud.

A reminder what was at stake.

For once, she could not be selfish with Theo.

From unknown reasoning she still hopes her eyes contradict the sentence about to leave her lips as she takes in a long inhale and pulls his hands down.

"I'm going to be with Mattheo."

"That's it then?" Theo doesn't seem to be attempting to breath anymore, a panic attack clear on its way from the overwhelming realization. "You're choosing Mattheo over me? You really—you're choosing him over me?"

"You don't understand—"

"You're right. I don't understand!" He pleads as their voices go over one another. "This is real? You're choosing Mattheo?!"

"Teddy," She whimpers, unable to deal with seeing him so destroyed and be incapable of fixing it. "We can still be....friends!"

He looks away. Staring off to the abyss. A awful silence looms but it's him who breaks it with a mumble. "I can't be your friend" Theo turns his attention back onto Rose as she sucks in a rush of air. The words pierce through him, "I can't be your friend..."

You're my best friend. Rose wants to say. Don't leave me. Don't make me completely lose you.

But she doesn't.

She reaches up two fingers to her bottom lip, trying to make the flesh stop trembling. "You...you don't have to completely leave."

"I'm not the one leaving!" shouts Theo before pressing a hand into his chest for some semblance of ease against the coming panic attack. His voice lowers and hand shakes as he barely grazes her wet cheek with the rough pad of his thumb, "I cannot sit idly by and watch you with him, I can't do it baby and I'm so fucking sorry that I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough."

This time she's the one almost falling over. Crying and crying, trying to reach for his hand but he brings it down and she has to cover her mouth to silence herself.

"You—you don't have to watch!"

"But I'll know." Theo interrupts breathlessly, lips pursing once more as he doesn't bother to rid himself of the tears. "Every fiber of my being will know."

She whispers brokenly, "I'm setting you free, Teddy."

"No," He struggles out, feeling paralyzed. "Don't you dare act like you're going me any favors because—" There is no way he can hold off the panic attack any longer. Theo whirls around while furiously wiping his face off, sounding so small as he rushes toward the steps. "I—I have to go"

"To where?!" Rose shouts after him, burning a whole through his shaking back.

Theo's reply is barely audible as he starts rushing down the staircase and she knows, knows he's having a panic attack. "To the dorm.."

He wants to turn around. Go reach for Rose. Pull her against his chest and never let go regardless of her wishes.

But he doesn't.

There is no air left inside his lungs.

*

Mattheo sat on the fluffy mattress inside his private dorm, frustratedly pulling on the collar of the dark Henley he wore. Parchment scattered in front of himself, trying to finish Rose's essay for Transfiguration since she missed the day and he didn't wish for her to have to be consumed in school right now. The problem was he couldn't quite perfect how she would write.

The door creaking open brings him back to earth but he doesn't bother looking, adjusting the balled fist under his chin.

"Missed you today" He mumbles.

The sound of a slight whimper by the bed makes his head snap upward. Breath hitching at Rose standing by him with tears streaming down her cheeks and a piece of parchment that had been previous crumpled.

Mattheo doesn't hesitate to push all the school work to the side and lean up slightly. Grabbing Rose's hip, pulling her in front of himself atop the comforter. "Rose," His black eyes scan her all over as he goes to wipe her face, "What happened?!"

She doesn't say anything. Only extends the letter with an unsteady hand. He looks down and takes the parchment before wrapping his fingers around her own, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

"Do you want me to read it?"

The ability to speak no longer exists for her. Rose nods and he slides his hand down to her wrist to rub the bone protruding there, a calming trick he had picked up by the countless nights he spent with her last year.

Mattheo begins to read and she has to look away, not wishing to see his head shaking as he scans the parchment.

When Rose is sure he's almost at the end, she turns back to see both of his brows pinched together in either contempt or anger.

"I—I don't want to be with Theo but that's not what hurts..." says Rose, ineffectively getting rid of the tears because the lie feels impossible to speak. "But he's my best friend. His father wants me to stay away from my best friend..."

"Hey," Mattheo talks in a dangerously low voice and tosses the parchment down. Grabbing back onto her face to force their eyes together, "I can get rid of him. No one has to know it was us. He can't make you do anything, ever again."

She shakes her head reverently, "I cannot take Theo's father away from him...it's all he has!"

Mattheo lets out a long sigh, lips turning into a frown. "I'm so sorry love," He glides his hands down to her waist, "Come here."

Rose practically throws her arms around his neck but it's a weak movement. Mattheo lifts her up onto his lap and buries her face into the crook of his neck by weaving fingers through her hair, jaw ticking in sheer anger at some man putting Rose in this state.

Resting his chin atop her head, lips coming down to kiss there as his chest aches from the sound of her crying. "I'm genuinely sorry."

And he really is. Mattheo might despise Theo. Might despise the way Rose looks at Theo. Might despise how close she is to Theo. Might despise how she so clearly puts Theo above everyone else in the universe.....

But none of that can change the fact he feels awful for her to be forced away from someone she holds so much adoration and love for.

Mattheo did want her to step back a little from the boy, only a little though. Never did he wish for her to lose her best friend. He doesn't mention everything in that letter right then, refusing to remind her of something like infertility that obviously causes her pain.

He would eventually, when she was calmed down and there were no more tears left. Hopefully, there was some way for him to make her believe none of that mattered.

For now, he'd just simply hold her.

________________________________

A/N: omg i cried during the talk with Theo but the sadness is over! now onto the angst angst! I started a little one shot of her depression spell where Theo comforts her despite what happens here and it was going to have a flashback of when she did get diagnosed but I'll probably cut that so the next chapter can be happier!

—^^ also if happy chapter is next I've decided to do a threesome with rose x mattheo x mystery man?? you can all try to guess who but I'll go ahead and tell you it's not Theo or Draco lol it is how I'm making up for the all the pain I've caused though

—Theo and Rose are just....purely hurting me

—Theo's father can rot for all I care

—the fact Theo thinks she willingly chose mattheo?? Doesn't understand why she was rambling about marriage and brides? PAIN.

—why does memories by Conan and hostage by Billie and all I wanted by paramore fit this chapter so well?!

—short chapter I know but this was really important to the plot

xx bri