XXIV

Kimberly Eve Browne

I'M THAT PERSON that you hate; the one that is smiling endlessly and is annoying everyone with her never ending joy and has a desire to spread it everywhere like ebola. I was incredibly giddy ever since what happened a week ago. I was more happy than when I kissed Alex and he kissed me back, except this time I didn't feel a tiny bit of a heartbreak, I just felt utter and pure joy.

And oh my, was it beautiful.

Pure joy is amazing, and I don't think any feeling or emotion could replace it because it is truly that incredible. It's been a while. I always get little tastes of it, with Richard, with Alex, with my parents.  For the first time, it's been a state of my mind rather than a sporadic few minutes.

 Pure joy is an emotion of great delight, and it failed to leave me this past week. Alex and I didn't just kiss, it was more. More than anything we've ever done before. It seemed like the wrong time, as I was just starting my recovery, but soon after it happened I had realised that there could not have been a better time.

I was okay, before this happened. Not completely but I was working to it. Making the decision to agree to anything and everything that would make me better has been life changing. It couldn't have been a better time because for the first time, I was prioritising myself, and I know that with or without Alex I would be on this path, which actually kind of makes me proud of myself. I did it on my own.

I no longer wanted or missed anything anymore. I had everything I could've wanted, and that's Alex. He's all I want. He's all I've ever wanted. And I think I've finally got him.

Alex had left an enlightening effect on me. I hadn't even been hospitalised and I have half a snack each day. That may not seem like a lot to a majority of people , but it seemed like a shit load to me. I was only afraid of looking at the scale, in deep fear that I might've gained something.

That was probably my greatest fear. I was working on it though. I don't understand why gaining weight or anything to do with food gave me this awful dread or pit in my stomach, but it did.  I'm trying to just appreciate my small steps forward, because the past couple of years, I've just been going backwards. 

Not only that, but I've been sleeping for an hour each day. It wasn't even a big step yet I felt greater than ever.

My anxiety was the same, I've been getting panic attacks every hour instead of every half hour. It was a huge relief for me, and now I only get half of the panic attacks that I used to get.

"So, I heard you and Al made up," are the first words that leaves Richard's smirked mouth, as if he was saying, time to tell me everything, hoe.

"Well, I'm still slightly mad at you because you can not just call my ex when I'm trying to get over him, okay? I wouldn't do that to you."

"That's because all of my exes were assholes," he retorts, and I guess he did have a point.

"Not so long ago, you thought he was an asshole," I say.

"Can you not avoid the question please."

"Alright, alright," I respond with a huff, "I will answer, you know I will, can you just tell me what's up with you please? I feel like all we talk about is me."

"We don't only talk about you, but okay, Cathy and I broke up."

I widened my eyes. "Oh my god. What happened?"

"It's not that big of a deal, honestly. It was a mutual kind of thing, we just lost feelings for each other, I guess."

"When did this happen?"

"When we weren't talking."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I say and furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"I didn't think it was that important, and besides, you had quite a lot going on."

"No I didn't," I say. I mean, I guess I was hurt, but I wouldn't class that as a lot going on. "It wasn't that much that happened. I was dealing with a breakup."

"Barely," Richard says to me and I shake my head at him.

"What else?" I ask, and it did feel really nice to talk about someone other than myself.

"You know that Styles kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, we've been talking a little bit," Richard says and fumbles with his fingers. Why was he nervous?

"And by a little bit, you mean?"

"A lot," He gives in and I smirk.

"You're questioning, aren't you?"

Richard furrows his brows. "Questioning what?"

I fold my arms. "Your sexuality," I say, and his face goes pale as his eyes widen.

Richard immediately becomes defensive and shakes his head. "No, no of course I'm not. I'm straight, we both know that."

I tilt my head. "Do we?"

Richard stayed silent this time.

I place my hand on his forearm. "I'm one of your friends, and I'm telling you that there's nothing wrong with you, no matter what your sexuality is. You might be straight, but I think everyone questions it at some point. Don't beat yourself up over it, okay?"

Richard exhales in relief. "Thanks Kim," He smiles.

"Love you, Ri."

"I love me too," he smiles cheekily and I slap his arm. "Owie!"

I smile deviously and begin to speak. "Anyway-"

Richard cuts me off. "Can I just ask you one quick thing though, Kim?" 

This is unlike Richard. He's like those people who do pop culture news on YouTube, he loves anything gossipy, he would never interrupt me. "Okay, shoot," I say, unsure.

"Can you please tell me what happened with Cathy," he said, and I had no idea what to say. Why the hell was he asking this? What brought this on? I mean I know they just broke up, but it had been years, and not once did he ask me, so I never had to lie.

"We just didn't get along anymore. It was just a natural falling out," I said, and Richard squinted at me. Great. He knew I was lying. I took a deep breath. This time I didn't want to hear his long essay pleading me to tell the truth. "She was like," I took another deep breath. How do I even phrase this? This wasn't normal. "My personal trainer," I decided, and I look up at Richard.

"Meaning what? Is she why you got sick?" He sniffed, and he looked so upset, his eyes turning red. My mouth parted. What do I tell him? "TELL ME," He shouted. I nodded in response.

"Richard she was sick. Worse than me. I can't blame her, but its how it started, and she taught me how to get away with everything, and she fuelled it, you know? But I genuinely hope that she's better and she's okay, because we were both super fucked up. And I didn't tell you because I want you to be happy, and I knew that you liked her for so long," I said, looking up at him, hoping that he understood. 

He wasn't looking at me. I called his name and shook his arm. "You definitely should've told me. What she did was beyond wrong, don't you dare make excuses for her-"

"Richard," I said, trying to get a word in.

"No," he said sternly. "You don't even need to tell me the pain that you've been going through, because I know. I can see it, I can even feel it. You're always going to be my priority, no crush, or relationship will get in the way of that, and I know it's the same for you too. Promise me you'll never hide anything like that again."

I hugged him. "Same goes for you dimwit," I whispered in his ear, and I heard him chuckle directly in my ear.

"Okay," he slapped my arm. "Now you can spill."

"When you left, I heard what you said to Mum and so Alex and I went to the bathroom. I had to turn on the shower so she'd know what I was doing, but she wanted to come in."

"Here comes the good part."

"By the WAY," I retorted, "Couldn't you have, I don't know? Covered for me?"

He smirked. "What's the fun in that?"

I laugh before blushing. "We had to hide in the shower."

"You guys were naked weren't you! Oh my God, Kim!" He says, and slaps my arm, "Get some!"

I was probably blushing harder than earlier as I could feel my cheeks heating up, but I ignored that sensation as I continued to speak. "We were half naked," I corrected him, as he rolled his eyes almost saying that the information that I had only just provided was inadequate. "He started explaining everything, and I just felt like shit, if I'm honest. I don't think I know I nicer person then him."

Richard sucked in air, clutching his heart as he made a painful face. "What about me?" He said.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"It's just banter," he said, shoving me to the side.

"Bants," I agreed, before smiling at him.

"What happened after that?"

"Well he kissed me or I kissed him? I don't remember."

"That's it?" Richard questioned, obviously not believing me. He had a right to, I was leaving out the vital, juicy information that he was looking for.

I scraped my hair behind my ear before fumbling with my fingers. "We just did stuff you rather not know about," I said and decided that that was the most subtle way to put it.

Richard smirked. "Oh, like what? I'd really like to know, Kim."

I shook my head, not actually believing Richard right now. "Honestly, it's just the average thing that we did, nothing that important."

"Oh, come on! You can tell me anything," Richard gushed, smiling widely.

I clenched my fist in annoyance before letting go and exhaling quietly. "You know what Richard? Fine. We made out, and he fingered me."

Richard's eyes widened. "Okay."

"Oh, but that's not it," I smirked. "He let his tongue dip in a pool that only he's allowed in," I whispered. "Oh my, was it glorious," I moaned. "And-"

Richard shoved me to the side. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Won't do that again. It's about time that you got some though. It's May, you guys met in September? You two have known each other nine months, and you've only just-"

"I actually think that we did that a bit early to be honest, but it doesn't matter that much. He makes me really happy."

Richard beamed. "I can tell."

My phone vibrated and I unlocked it, reading the message.

Mum: It's getting dark, come home please.

I sighed, knowing she was probably worrying. "Ri, I've got to go, can you drive me please?"

"Yeah, Dad let me use his car. Lovely lad, isn't he?" He gushed excitedly, obviously very happy that his dad let him borrow his car.

"Got to love Bobby," I replied with a quiet laugh.

We drove back in a comfortable silence, me dozing off in the car as I felt tired as hell. I just wanted to get back home, see what mum wanted, and at least try to fall asleep, even if it was only for an hour.

Richard touched my thigh. "Slag, wake up," he said with a laugh.

"I wasn't even asleep," I groaned,"You know that."

Richard shrugged his shoulders. "I won't be seeing you till Monday, I'm a tad busy. "

"Mint," I mumbled, getting out of the car.

Richard laughed at my tiredness. "See you, Browne."

"And you, Glen," I replied, walking into my home.

Twisting the knob of the door, I open it and my mother's face immediately greets me. I smile at her. "Alright, Mum?"

"The usual," she smiles, wrapping me in a hug, perhaps slightly suffocating.

"Anything you wanted to talk about?"

"Ah, yes. I know that you agreed to being hospitalised, and I think it's about time that we made a start on that, sweetheart," Mum says, with the same empathetic face that she always wore towards me.

I sighed. Hospitalising did seem like a good idea, but it just felt like it was too soon, even though it wasn't. It was about time. "I don't want to leave school just yet," I said, which was true. It was my last year of school.

Mum sighs. "We have to do this, Kim."

"I know," I plead, "But there has to be an alternative that can manage the two."

"You'll be hospitalised, this weekend and every weekend, okay? If things get any worse, nothing will stop me to make sure you're hospitalised until you're better."

I smile. "Thank you so much, Mum."

"Only because you've been doing quite well this past week."

I smile once again and head back upstairs to my room. I turn on my phone, and send a text to Richard.

Me: Change of plans. I'm in hospital, all weekend, every weekend.

Richard: At least you're still coming to school. Have you told the babe yet?

Me: I called him a babe once, have you heard what he calls me?

Richard: Richard doesn't like unanswered questions.

Me: Kim doesn't like to be picked on unnecessarily.

Richard: KIM PLS

Me: No I haven't. I haven't even told him that I want to recover.

Richard: Are you actually serious?

Me: Does it appear as though I am kidding?

Richard: You prat, he wants to know these things

Richard: He deserves to.

I didn't reply after that, as Alex had sent me a text.

Alex❤️: I miss you

I smiled, glad that he thought of me, even for a split second.

Me: Miss you too, I'm glad that I'm finally getting the hang of this texting thing. I've even got this heart icon thing next to your name that looks like this: ❤️

Alex❤️: They're emojis, you nob.

Me: What in the bloody hell are those?

Alex❤️: Emoticons. Basically small icons that you can use in text to display emotion.

Me: I called them an icon.

Alex: Correct terminology is vital, Miss Browne.

Me: Sorry, Mr Turner.

Alex: Good girl.

Me: Only for you, Mr Turner.

Alex❤️: I've got an example

Me: Which is?

Alex❤️: For example, when you look at me, you might use: 😘😍

Me: Arrogance doesn't get you anywhere.

Alex❤️: It's not exactly a lie, is it, my sweet?

Me: You and your pet names.

Alex❤️: I address people in a way that they deserve to be addressed.

Me: Still confused. Why would they name it 'emoji'? Shit name if you ask me.

Alex❤️: "Emo," being the shortened version of emotion. As for the 'ji', I'm confused myself. but I've got another example.

Me: Please share.

Alex❤️: When I fingered you: 😝😵🙆

My cheeks blushed a red that Richard would enjoy teasing.

Me: Fuck off.

Alex❤️: I'm the one that fingered you ;)

Me: I'm still in awe as to how you brought that up when we were talking about emojis.

Alex❤️: I'm a smooth talker.

In all honesty, he was, but he doesn't need to know that.

Me: Or you can't keep your mind off it.

Alex❤️: Not going to lie about that.

Me: Weirdo.

Alex❤️: At least I know what an emoji is.

Me: Thanks, Al. I show my love to you by saving an 'emoji' next to your name, and you correct me?

Alex❤️: Knowledge is key, sweetheart.

Me: Thank god you're my teacher, then.

Alex❤️: Thank god you're mine, then.

Me: I love you.

Alex❤️: Love you too.