XX

Kimberly Eve Browne

"KIM?" RICHARD SPEAKS, disturbing me from my, what seemed to be now, routinely stare out of the window, which was completely unintentional.

I spin around to face him, a confused look bound to be on my face. I had never called him here, as close as we were, we always seemed to let each other know when we planned to go out together. Maybe I was lying. I had recieved numerous emails, but I never emailed back to confirm. "Why are you here?"

He rubs his neck nervously, his eyes flicking to mine, just like Alex did. I tear my eyes away from him, not wanting to be reminded of him as I thought about him more than was considered healthy. "I was worried. I haven't heard from you much. I sent you texts and called you plenty."

I shrugged. "You know I don't use my phone that much," I reply, hoping it would be a good enough excuse for him to drop it and act normal.

He lets out an uneasy sigh. "Don't you think I know you well enough to know that?" He asks, and I know he was looking straight into my eyes, as I ducked my head down. Who am I? It just feels like all I am is my flaws. "I sent you emails as well, I know you use your computer."

I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to think of an excuse, but nothing came to mind. "I-"

He takes a seat on my bed and cuts me off. "Why are you pushing me out? I'm your friend. We're meant to go through this together."

I slap on a fake smile. "What do you mean 'pushing you out'? Of course I haven't, you know that," I speak, trying to sound as confident as possible, as Richard raised one of his eyebrows, already disagreeing. "I just haven't been using my computer that much either, I've not been the best lately. Anyway, what did you want to tell me?"

"I know you well enough to know that you're lying to me. You're lying to me and I don't even know why! I want to give you space, but I know that won't help you, it will just makes things worse," Richard exclaims.

"So you don't believe that I'm not the best lately?" I retort, glaring at him.

His eyes soften and he sighs. "Of course I do, this is what it's about, Kim. I know you've been using your computer because as much as you say you hate him, you don't. You still go on that poetry site, don't you?"

When he realises that I don't reply, he speaks again. "I don't want you to lie to me, Kim, and I'm sure you don't want me to either," he gulps.

"And how do you know?" I retort, not letting my guard down.

"How do I know what?" He replies, looking puzzled.

"That I am lying?" I snap back at him, and instantly felt guilty. I was snapping back at everyone lately, even Alex, even my own mother when all she asked was for me to move.

"I know because I'm your fucking friend, Kim. You and I are literally the same person.  Is there something wrong with me helping you?" He speaks, sounding sour. He mocks the emotion of guiltiness, "I'm so so sorry, for being your fucking friend. I'm so sorry for being there for you when no one else was," he says, gives me a long stare and walks out.

Guilt had seemed to never leave me that day. I lay in bed, the only category of thoughts that passing through my mind being regret. It's the worst feeling, that is. Richard's. Mum's, Dad's and Alex's seemed unforgiveable, like a lingering ache stored in the bottom of my heart.

I missed him. I missed how sweet, how lovely he could be. It felt so amazing to be introduced to that feeling again at parent's evening yesterday, even though I displayed an opposite emotion. I forgot how incredible he could make me feel, despite his intention. He just has to do literally anything and it's like all logic is thrown out the window, and it's me and him, the only two people in the entire world. And there's no way he doesn't feel the same for me. There's no way that we won't happen. It's like our souls were made for the sole purpose of each other.

I glanced at the clock, finally making a relation with time which was different from wasting it. 6:15 the digital clock read, which was an hour before her appointment with Beverly and two hours before school started which I was dreading more than anything. 

I finally pushed myself to get dressed into my uniform, and did my usual morning routine that wasn't very different than other's. Without consulting my parents, I left the house, carrying my school bag and penny board.

I began skating towards Burberry Park, as I felt that it held some sort of reassuarance. As strange as it was, it couldn't feel more true. The hustling leaves, the quiet tweets of birds and the scenery that it held just calmed me down sometimes.

I hate who I'm turning into. I hate myself despite who I turn into but this person, that I am now because of what happened with Alex is changing me. It's killing me. I hate how it's making me into a person that snaps at everyone and shuts them out. I hate being fucking miserable all of the time and not knowing what do to make things better.

I step off the penny, take it in to my hand and walk towards the park, looking exactly as I pictured it. It was hard not to think of Richard whilst I was here, and I didn't want to, but maybe thinking about it would help me come to some sort of conclusion? I don't know.

Richard was this place. I remember him, even as a young boy, laughing and running around, when everything was easier. Now I don't even know what easy or hard is anymore. Everything that seemed basic, seems like the most difficult thing to do.

Upon thinking for so long, I glanced at my watch and decided to head to the clinic to meet up with Beverly and talk about things, that I decided I had to talk about. I had done enough of pushing people out and I couldn't afford to loose anyone else.

The scenery, despite where I went, was beautiful. I actually believed Derby was one of the most simplistic, unattentionseeking yet beautiful places ever. I imagined that Sheffield would be more beautiful, however. If they were the reason for Alex, they'd have to be pretty god damn incredible.

I began to think about what I should tell Beverly, despite the confidentiality she promised. She already knew about me and Alex, when we first kissed. I smiled to myself. I remember then; it was so easy, with problems only complex to an extent. 

The only problem then was that he was my teacher, and now it's like that doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't care that he's my teacher, I wish he had the same feelings as I do. I wish he liked me the way that I liked him. 

It's not like I can forget him. I see him almost everyday, and he is my fucking neighbour. Not only the physical appearances, but the constant appearance of him in my mind, let's not forget.

I sighed, approaching the therapeutic centre, and decided to walk to Bev's room. As usual, I was stopped by someone to double check that I had an appointment.

"K-Kim. K-Kimberly B-Browne, for 7;15,"  I stutter at the appearance of this stranger.

The stranger raises an eyebrow. "You're fifteen minutes early."

As if I give a fuck, I wanted to reply, but everyone knows I don't have it in me to say that. For god's sake, I can't even give my name and appointment time. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

The man sighs. "You may enter Mrs Rose's room."

Fin-fucking-aly. I walk towards her room, and upon seeing me, she stands up and greets me. "Come on in, Kim!" She speaks in her soft, enthusiastic voice.

I smile politely and come inside. Despite the fact that I had been seeing her for some time, I made sure to always be polite to her. She was wearing her usual, bright and modest clothes, accessorised with a smile.

We both take a seat, and she begins asking her usual questions, and if I wanted to tell her anything else, I could, but I normally didn't have to because she always knows the right questions to ask.

"So, how have you been feeling lately?" She asks, looking at me with the same concern that my parents, Richard's family and Richard looked at me with.

I gave her my same, habitual, automatic, programmed answer. "Fine." I didn't even have to think, it just blurted out.

She didn't note anything down, hesitated and did right something down. Normally, when it came to seeing her, I was quite honest. I had nothing to hide about how I felt, but now that there's a reason for how I'm feeling, I just brush off the fact that I'm feeling anything at all.

She rested her clipboard and pen, and looked at me. "Something's happened, Kim. We both know that. I have a feeling that it's about that poet boy. No one's ever made you as happy as he has," she speaks, and my stomach churns.

"Yeah, you're right. No one has made me as happy as he did," I respond, and it felt that, brick by brick, the massive weight on my shoulders was going to leave me once I opened up to her.

"Did?" She asks, raising her eyebrow but I knew that she understood what I meant. We were done, finished.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" I snap, and sigh, as she raises her eyebrow again. I never snapped at her, ever.

She picks up her clipboard, and begins writing again. "Right. What happened?"

"We broke up," I state obviously, perhaps with a hint of sarcasm.

"Really?" She fights back with the same sarcasm. "I'm sorry," she apologises, and I wanted to ask her the reason for it, as I was the one who snapped rudely to begin. "Why did you two split?"

"To be honest with you Bev, we never split in the first place," I begin, and she knitted her eyebrows together. "How can we split up if we were never together in the first place?"

Beverly runs her hand through her grey hair. "You can't just talk in riddles. I can't always just be the person that guesses everything. There are certain things that you have to tell me."

"What was it that you wanted to talk about?" I ask, confused as ever. I couldn't think of anything Alex had to tell me; nothing at all came to mind.

He answers with a weary smile, before he takes a seat next to me, as I knot my eyebrows together. "Seriously, Al, what it?"

His choice to continue to not reply to my question only caused more anxiousness and worry to bubble inside me. "Al, you're worrying me," I exclaim.

"There's something I need to tell you," he speaks, and an unsettling, uncomfortable aura floods the room, and my leg automatically begins to shake.

That phase was so commonly used, so cliché. Except this wasn't the cute cliché, the cliché everyone wished they had; it was the cliché everyone avoided; yet here it was.

It was the introduction to destruction, the beginning of the end. "What is it?" I ask, although the answers that he could possibly tell me are completely endless.

I pushed that memory away, and tried to not to think about that in particular. "He used me for a promotion," I spoke, and I tried not to cry. Just hearing the words come out of my mouth made me sound so pathetic.

She rolled her eyes. "You believe that?"

"Well of course I do! He said that to my bloody face!" I exclaim, and my bottom lip trembles. Taking a few breaths, I try to calm down. I cannot cry.

Beverly shakes her head. "There must be something else going on," she responds calmly, ignoring my outburst.

"This isn't a fairytale, Beverly! Not everything works out, not everything is meant  to work out. Just because it's the first time my sorry ass get's happy over  a boy for a couple months, doesn't mean that he's the one! Or that there's even such a thing as the one !"

Beverly starts shouting. "Logically think this through, Kim. How would being with you help him in any way as a teacher?"

"Look, I'm sorry Bev. I can't do this, not now. We'll talk later," I speak,get up and leave. I shake my head and take steady breaths. I couldn't have a panic attack now.

The thought of the fact that actions speak louder than words clouded in my mind. I knew that not doing anything about what was happening around me wasn't going to solve anything, but it just seemed like the easier option. Us humans always go for the easier option.
 

As I skated towards school, it was hard not to stare at the sky above me which always suprised me with its beauty. A mixture of colours swirled through the morning sky as the sun beamed brightly. It was also hard to skate with as much ease as other skaters because of their energy which I could never have.

With my shaky breath and racing heart, I stepped into school and walked straight to my english teacher who had broken my heart without care. My knowledge, to which I barely had any, told her that he was most likely going to be in his room, marking and finalising some tests.

I wiped my sweaty palms against the fabric of my red, plaided skirt before opening the door that was clearly labelled '302'. Alex was prancing around the room, to my surprise. His hair was done perfectly in that quiff that I used to constantly run my hands through, despite the wonderful sticky substance that remained afterwards from doing so.

A fitting navy blue shirt and black trousers were placed on Alex, as his tea scattered all over the front of the room, some almost going on myself. I was quite shocked at his reaction, as it was very unexpected. He saw me yesterday for God's sakes. What was there to be shocked about?

I decided to brush it off as nothing, as Alex got himself together to wipe the suprisement off his face, he managed to smile at me, a smile I saw that reminded me of when we were together, a special smile. I wish I could put my finger on what it was that made it special.

As Alex opened his mouth to say something, I cut him off and started speaking. I couldn't handle his beautiful voice right now, I might loose it. "I came here to apologise," I state, looking him dead in the eye, something I hadn't done in a while. "Al," I choke, very hard to say because I also hadn't said that in a while, and upon saying that, memories all came crashing down.

Alex chewed on his bottom lip and took some time reply. He took out two seats, which were opposite each other, for him, and I suppose me. He took a seat himself before asking me to take one as well, which sent shivers down my fat covered spine. His voice was hot chocolate on a winter day; slightly deep and very dreamy.

Pushing away the feelings I had earned from his speaking of a couple of words, I nodded, obeyed and pushed back a strand of hair behind my ear. "Alright," I croak unattractively, slightly nervous as to what was to come.

My head hung low as I fiddeled with my hands, as anxiety remained through her. "What I said, and how I acted," I breathed, "wasn't okay, and I'm sorry," I apologise, and as much as I only wanted that to be in regards of what happened yesterday, it wasn't.

Alex's eyes were fixed on mine as I apologised, something in his body language telling me that he wanted to say something but just couldn't. I don't know, I haven't slept in ages.

"It's not a problem Kim," He finally replies, his gaze never leaving me as his warm brown eyes looking welcoming and beautiful. "Besides, you should be apologising to your parents, not me," Alex explained, but I had already disagreed mentally.

"I have to apologise to them, of course, but to you as well," I retorted, and silence filled the room like flies do when you open the window. "I am so sorry," I finished, trying to sound as strong as possible but we both know that isn't who I am.

I waited for him to say something - anything. Time had passed and I had realised that it wasn't going to happen, I decided to gather my belongings as Alex opened his mouth to say something, but I decided to cut him off, again. "I guess I'll go then."

With a sad smile, I attempt to leave the room but end up slipping on the tea that Alex had dropped earlier, and fell down.