18 Year's old
Januar

We were leaving. We had decided and we were going to do it. Neema was much better now, I wasn't sure what had been wrong with her but there was this glow about her. She was radiant and strong. She didn't look as if she had 4 young children and so I knew now was the time to leave. She was more than coping.

Khan stayed home a lot more now, especially as his brother Ryan seemed to be acting as a representative for Him. Things were getting really good for them and so I knew it was my time.

My clothes and books were packed and Eliza's mother and mate had been informed. They had readied adjoining rooms for us in the compound and most of our stuff was there already. I only kept one bag with me, it held all my treasures. Things that I held dear to my heart.

Khan had reluctantly made travel arrangements for us, even though he was less than happy that I was leaving. None of them were happy. Neema was bitter but she understood why I needed to leave. She wasn't happy but she was accepting.

Caillum didn't mind as such, he was too caught up in Lian and her training to give my leaving much thought. Jana on the other hand was gutted. My heart hurt just thinking about her crestfallen face. I felt as if I had betrayed her.

Tears had cascaded down her golden face and then her eyes had shuttered. She hadn't spoken to me since. I had one day left and then I would be gone and my favourite girl wasn't speaking to me. It hurt, physically crippled me. I knew that Jana would struggle when I was gone and it played on my mind.

There was a moment when I thought I would stay but I knew that if I didn't leave, then I never would. So I made that decision, Eliza needed me and for once I would put myself first. It was one of the hardest choices to make but once I had decided, there was a peace in my heart. I was moving on.

I had one day left until I left and I was where I wanted to be most. Me and Neema sat outside on a bench watching the twins play. Baby Micah was swaddled in his cart and Jana sulked under a tree, refusing to play or look at me. The cart was like a basket but had these small wheels so she could move him around with her. It was a weird contraption and quite inconvenient when she needed to move up and down the stairs but for now it worked.

"So today is your last day" stated Neema, her light brown eyes peering at me.

Her gaze was so intense I had to look away, my gaze dropped to my lap as I picked at the leg of my trouser. "Yeah"

"We're going to miss you so much" she heaved. She had been plying me with guilt since the moment I had told her I was leaving. There was nothing she wouldn't say to keep me with her. I couldn't give her any reason to think I would change my mind.

My head tilted back up as I met her gaze with mine, I was full of conviction and I wouldn't hide it.

"I'm going to miss you guys too but it's just something I need to do." I shrugged my shoulders because there was nothing I could really say or do that would appease her and still suit me.

"Is it- because of Carson?"

"Because I don't think he will be back for a while." She had my attention now, I didn't want to make it so obvious but I was really interested in what she had to say.

Carson hadn't been around for quite a few weeks. As soon as Neema had improved he had left and he hadn't returned. I was glad because there had been no awkward meetings in the library or the compound. I had definitely felt his absence but it was welcomed. I no longer had the fear of seeing him, his mate or his newborn.

Though no news about his child had been relayed, I knew that Nelly must have had the baby by now.

"He's going through a lot and I'm not sure if his baby-" she grimaced and I could see tears gathering in her eyes "I don't think the baby made it full term."

I sucked in a harsh gasp of air, oxygen whooshing through my lips "What?" My head was foggy at the thought, my eyelids blinking erratically as I tried to combat those tears.

"The few times I have mentioned Nelly or the baby he gets this look in his eyes and I just." Her tears were dropping in big globs as her hand clenched over her heart. I knew that Carson's loss was only reminding her of the life she and Khan had lost as well.

"Vanya, I don't think he will be coming back." I opened my mouth to tell her it didn't matter if he did or didn't come back but Neema kept speaking. She had more to say, she would say anything to see me stay.

"He's staying with his parents so you don't have to run away."

My eyes rolled to the back of my head before I could control it. I hated it when they said I was running away. "I- I." Tutting my teeth I tried to calm myself so I could get the words out properly. "It's not just him."

"His choices always seem to shape my actions but not all of this is because of him." They needed to see that as much as I had been a doormat for Carson in the past I was over being that female. If I stayed here and he came back it would be too easy for me to fall back into that toxic relationship.

"I need change."

I needed to leave and not because I was running from my past but because I was ready for my future. I wanted to bask in the presence and not just exist. I didn't want my days to tick tock by without me having something to show. I needed to leave because I was ready and no one seemed to understand that leaving was a part of my Metamorphosis.

They called me a butterfly but they all forgot that the butterfly didn't spend its life in a cocoon. No it transformed and took flight. I too needed that change just as much as I needed this family. I had to do this for me and I had to do this for Eliza. She needed me more now than ever before. 

"You guys always call me butterfly and as cheesy as it sounds, I want to spread my wings."

I wanted to be free, to discover who I really was. I wanted to fill up my books with different creatures and plants. I wanted to find and explore my passions, I wanted to know the world. I had become stagnant here and that was no fault to Neema or this family. It was my own. I had grown as much as I could here but it was time to make that final step.

"Oh Vanya, you are just growing way too fast." She sniffles, that rueful smile on her face. She knew that there was no changing my mind, I was becoming nearly as stubborn as her.

"I remember when I first met you, you were so sad. There was this loneliness to you."

Her eyes glazed over as a wistful smile spread over her lips, her face transforming as she looked distant. As if she were somewhere else and not here with me, somewhere in the memories.

"The female that you are now is so so different."

Her hand wrapped around mine, her thumb rubbing along my knuckles as she looked down at them. My hands were so white compared to hers but it looked right. Our colour was irrelevant because my soul saw hers and she saw mine, we were sisters by choice and not by blood.

"Sometimes I can still see that sadness but Vanya you are so strong and I am so proud of you." Her words felt like the sun was kissing me. Spinning me in its glow, it's resplendent light.

"You are becoming an amazing woman." She murmured along my forehead, her lips grazing it before she pulled away and looked at me.

She really looked at me. She saw everything that I had been and everything that I could be. She saw me.

"Well I couldn't have gotten this far without you."

//--//

My talk with Neema had me dwelling on the Vanya of old. That little girl who had thought she was so grown. The Vanya who had known so little of the world. The Vanya who had only known grief and loneliness.

The more I thought on who I had been the more I thought on my parents. For years I had gently placed their memory in a finely carved box and buried them deep within the back of my mind.

Trying my hardest to forget what little I knew of them because I couldn't envision my father's vivid eyes without seeing how they had gone dark in death. I couldn't think on my mother's blonde hair without remembering how it had been clumped with streaks of red and brown as she bled into that floor.

I had trapped their memories inside that box because I hadn't wanted to feel that soul crushing morbidity, the depression clinging to my mind. I couldn't move on though because my parents were a part of me, such an important and fundamental part of me that could not be ignored any longer. Because to ignore their existence would be to ignore mine. To hide them in the shadows would be to forever be stagnant. How could I ever know me if I did not know them first.

Talking to Neema had made one thing clear to me and that was that little quiet and morbid Vanya was just as strong as the woman I was becoming now. 13 year old me had been alone and lost, drifting in a dark world that had never shown her true love.

A world that had hurt her more than it had ever cared for her. That Vanya had coped in the best way she could and though I could never see myself reverting back to that female, I still respected and loved that part of me.

I had been strong as a 13 year old and I would continue to be strong as an 18 year old. I would continue to persevere because if there was one thing my parents had taught me. It was to never give up. Somewhere along the way I had given up on myself but not anymore.

.

Clasping my lone bag, I made my way out of my room taking in all the things I had loved about it. I had said goodbye to the few friends I had, cobalt in particular. We had hugged and kissed each other goodbye knowing that by me leaving we were closing that chapter to our story. We would only be friends now.

Closing the door firmly behind me, I made my way down the corridors my free hand trailing across the wall as I remembered its feel. I was leaving my sanctuary but I knew it wouldn't be forever and so I swallowed down the pain. This farewell would be bittersweet.

Standing at the top of the staircase I looked down at the foyer before me, my family stood there waiting. There was not a member missing.

Caillum had managed to pull himself away from the training mats to say goodbye to me. Even Ryan was there, a male who I had never really conversed with but was still a part of this extended family I had.

One by one I climbed down the steps until I reached them.

Caillum was the first to approach me, his scruffy black hair tickled at my chest. He was becoming such a handsome boy. At 11 years old Caillum was definitely maturing.

My heart ached every time I saw him because I remembered the awkward little 6 year old he had been. He had been such a soft and quiet soul and I prayed to the gods daily that he never changed.

"I'm gonna miss you Vanya." His astonishing violet eyes peered into mine and I knew I would have to return soon. They held so much loss that I knew I would have to return just to show him that I would never leave them.

"I'll be back before you know it" my lips grazed across his inky hair, taking in the softness before he cut our hug short. A bright pink blush on his cheeks as he rearranged his clothes awkwardly. Gods I would miss him.

The twins attacked me next. Pouncing on my legs and fighting for a turn in my arms. Dropping to my knees I gathered both of them into my arms and smothered them with kisses. Making exaggerated noises that got them squealing.

"Van nooo," squeaked Reina as I tickled under her neck, her little body wriggling away from me. "My go" laughed Roark before he too was squeaking and wiggling away from me.

"Miss you Van," called Reina as she buried her head in my shoulder. She was such a princess but she was a caring child. She liked things her way but she wasn't shy when it came to giving love.

"Vroom vroom," growled Roark as he pretended his hand was a car and drove it over my back. "Come here you" Grabbing his arms I forced him into my embrace.

We sat there for a while, me on my knees and the twins leaning on my shoulder. Their sticky fingers rubbing against my back and my still short hair. I would miss their boisterous personalities and their baby smell. Gods I would miss them. My throat bobbed as I tried to keep back those tears that desperately wanted to escape.

Standing to my feet, Ryan patted my shoulder and murmured how glad he was for me. It meant a lot coming from a male who was related to Carson. That he was happy for me, only reaffirmed that I was doing the right thing even though it hurt me. It hurt as bad as cutting off your own arm.

This family was my strength.

I quickly hugged Khan, my head tucking under his shoulder as his thick hands patted awkwardly on my back. He ran his finger through my short hair before grabbing my chin and forcing me to meet his eyes. Those hazel eyes that held so much love for me.

"I thank the gods everyday we were gifted you." Nodding his head at what he saw when he looked at me, he released my chin and patted my head one last time before stepping to the side.

Neema barreled into me before I even saw her coming. Her head leaning against my shoulder, her arms squeezing me tightly in her love.

"You make sure you visit" my clothes were dampening by her tears but I didn't mind, anything for Neema.

Resting my chin onto of her head my eyes closed as we breathed with each other. Remembering each other's scent. Griping my arms, she leaned away from me, staring at my face for what felt like years before she kissed me on the cheek. Lips lingering before she squeezed me one last time and stepped to the side.

I looked around the foyer, looking for my favourite girl. She stood in the corner staring at me but when I gestured her over she turned her back to me.

Neema called to her but Jana's head shook, she didn't want to say goodbye. My heart pulsed in grief but I had to respect her wishes. I couldn't force Jana to say what her heart couldn't accept and so I nodded my head and made my way outside.

The cold, crisp air slapped against my face, it chilled me to my bones. I felt cold and alone but when I caught sight of Eliza waiting for me by the transporter I let them morbid thoughts go. This would be good.

I chuckled my bag into the silver transporter and then looked back at my compound. My family stood on the steps, waiting for me to leave.

I had never been on a transporter before but I knew it was the best way to get to Eliza's mothers home. They lived New I'land and the quickest way to get there was to fly in the transporter. It resembled a car but was larger and had these thick wings on either side.

Turning my back to my family, I began climbing into the transporter but was stopped by a loud scream. My head whipped back in time to see a hysteric Jana running down the stairs at full speed.

Tears gushed down her face as she sprinted towards me, her body propelling into mine as I wrapped her in my arms. Peppering kisses along her face I squeezed and squeezed her. Dropping to my knees when she became too heavy to hold but she still clung to me. Her body shook with tears as she mumbled incompressible words into my neck.

"Promise," she sobbed. I nodded my head promising even though I didn't know what I was agreeing to. Anything to stop her tears. "Promise you'll come back," her blonde hair whipped across my face.

A golden halo of light. I pulled her head from its perch and made sure her chocolate eyes met mine before I promised her.

"I'll always come back for you."