16 years old
Mai

"Hey, Neema" I called waving my fingers in her face to try and get her attention but she wasn't seeing me. Her hands were buried in her face as she looked on the brink of tears.

I could hear her murmuring under her breath, her words an unintelligible jumble. She was clearly distressed by something, her shoulders drooped low and her lids were wet with tears.

Roarke and Reina were toddling around on their fat little legs as their mamma had a midlife crisis. None the wiser to her turmoil. I almost found the situation funny if I wasn't genuinely worried about Neema. She never cried, well not in front of anyone unless it was happy tears and these were not happy tears.

"Hey mama what's wrong?" My fingers stroking through the mess her own fingers had created. I gently pulled the digits out as I continued to message her scalp. Slowly uncoiling every piece of matted and knotted hair she had.

"Come, on tell me what's up" I prompted, my fingers working out her tangles in a melodic motion. It was a meticulous process but I could see that it was having the desired affect on her. I could see her muscles unwinding and the tension melting from her shoulders.

She heaved a sigh as her deep brown orbs met mine, they were such expressive eyes.

"I'm pregnant" the good news sounded more like a death toll to my ears but I knew that she couldn't be feeling that way. She loved kids, she was like the poster woman for all things wolf, mate and child.

"Congratulations" my voice unsure if it was excitement or depression I should be channeling.

"It's not congratulations I need!" She was coming at me full force with her anger. I tried not to be offended but she was pretty intimidating when mad.

"I can't deal with another godamn child, I'm barely coping with the ones I have."

She was mad alright, cursing Khan under her breath. I didn't understand the issue but it was definitely hers to have. I was not getting involved in this storm waiting to happen.

"This couldn't have come at a worse time," she cried. My arms wrapped around her as I murmured my comforts.

They seemed to snap her out of whatever Khan missing funk she was in because she was back to being happy in no time.

"Ugh, Khan just needs to come home. I can't deal with him being in another continent."

I understood where she was coming from because Carson was also with Khan. They had gone to Africa to attend the World Regional Alpha Conference. It was being hosted in Mali this year, every year some African country hosted the conference mainly because they were least affected by the nuclear warfare of the old world.

They also had loads of natural resources that most up and coming countries needed. It made them the leading power in the world though the wolf committee were trying to stop that from being the case. It was a dangerous world when a select few countries held all the power.

Khan was there for longer because he was having issues with officially giving Jana his surname. Many wolves in the committee where against it.

It was a struggle that took Khan away from Neema longer than normal but I was glad because the same conference meant that Carson was gone as well.

I was enjoying the freedom of him being gone, there was no male questioning me. No seeing him and his females and there was no scaring off the boys.

It was perfect, especially as Eliza was introducing me to one of Samyuri's friends. She said he was a hot piece of human specimen and I couldn't wait to see for myself. I was nervous to be seeing another male but at the same time I was excited. I couldn't wait to meet him, even if it was a bust this was the first step towards me becoming the woman I wanted to be.

Strong, independent and free.

//--//

My optimism for the week went sour real quick. 3 days into the week. 3 days after finding out Neema was pregnant and poof. The baby was gone. It hurt so bad. The loss of what could have been hit me hard.

To know that she had been reduced to a puddle of her own blood and vomit as she had lost that life. To see it with my own eyes. It was something that kept me restless every night.  There was no sleep for me, every time my eyes closed it was tinged by red. But it was her blood I saw.

The woman who sat before me was a slip of the woman she had been and it physically hurt to see.

She cried most days, there was no hiding her pain. She cried gut wrenching sobs, it was mostly when she was holding one of the twins. She would smell their baby scent and that was it.

She was withering away. Her grief so strong she couldn't cope.

I didn't leave her in this moment, how could I when she had been my rock. I tried to be hers but she needed Khan. He could help her I knew that, all I could do was help lessen her load. I dealt with the kids, though for the first 2 days she had refused to leave her room and the twins had been secluded with her.

After that she had eventually left her room but they were with her 24/7. She couldn't be without them especially as Jana was pulling away from her.

It had been happening for months now but no one had noticed, too busy with our lives to see that something was wrong with Jana. We saw now though, Jana went out of her way to avoid Neema whenever possible and when she was with her the intereaction seemed cold, forced. She treated me and Caillum the same but Neema, Neema she reused to cuddle with.

Her cold shoulder made Neema's soul wrecking grief so much worse.

She blamed herself for loosing her child.

The guilt was clear to see in her eyes.
She thought it was her fault for saying she didn't want that baby when deep down she did. She had spoken her fears and the gods had taken them literally. The baby was gone as if it was just missing. A piece of her was dying inside and it was only made worse by Khan's absence and Jana's cold shoulder.

She had a grudge with Neema and it was obvious what the issue was but I couldn't tell Neema that she was loosing her daughter when she had just lost a child. Though subconsciously she knew.

"Van Van" squeaked Jana as she came running into the room, her book discarded on the floor as she ran at me with full force. She peppered my face with kisses as she chortled in my ear, so excited to see me after the torture of Madam Rue.

"Hey baby," called Neema her hands wiping at her tired and withered face. "Can mamma get a hug" her arms were spread wide beckoning her in.

Neema visibly flinched as Jana turned her back to her, completely ignoring her words as she continued to play with my hair.

"Hey Jana, why don't you give mama a hug and then we can go out and play in the garden. Hmm how's that sound" my words just for me and her.

it was bribery at its finest but the little girl didn't care. Her arms tightened around me as she shook her head, burying her nose into my skin.

"Jana, come give me a hug" Neema was standing now, her words no longer a question. Her hands on her hips and head tilted to the side as she observed Jana's body language. Taking stock of the situation that had been brewing for a long time.

"Madam Rue saided that I'm not to give wolves or their mates hugs. It's in- it's Imp- it's rude."

She had come heaps and bounds over the past few years. Her words were understandable and her sentences were normally grammatically correct. Unless she was mad.

"What? That's stupid, I'm your mama. You can hug me" Neema was pleading, her panic and grief coating every syllable as she begged Jana to care for her.

"No your not." Her big brown eyes met Neema's grief stricken orbs with no inkling to what those words had caused.

I saw Neema break apart into pieces, her soul trampled on even as her rage shot through. She was becoming defeated by life.

"WHAT" shrieked Neema, the noise disgruntling the two toddlers who had been playing on the floor. Princess Reina crying in fear caused Roarke to start up his water works.

Me and Neema rushed over to the two babies, soothing them with soft hands as Jana stood by the table. Her fingers twisting as she tried to blend into the floors. When the two had stopped crying, Neema turned her attention back to Jana. Roarke in my arms as she swaddled his twin in hers.

"Jana come here now, I'm your mama and I need a godamn hug." She had long reached her breaking point. I could see the war brewing in her eyes as she tried to get the little girl to give her what she needed.

"Madam Rue said that you're not my mama." Her words so clear and boastful.

"What? Fuck what madam Rue said! I am your mother. Now come here."

Jana's arms came over her chest as she refused to move, her eyes looking at the floor as she feared meeting Neema's eyes. At last she was smart enough to fear her.

"Jana you get here now or you won't be going outside for a week!"

SILENCE. It went completely silent. I could hear the drum of my own heartbeat in my chest as I watched the anger transform Jana's beautiful face. Sparks flew in her eyes as her hands fisted at her side and then she snapped.

"I HATE YOU!" Her hands threw a stray cup down on the floor as she creamed with all her might. Her brown skin turning a bright red as she screamed over and over again her hate.

At her words Neema dropped Reina into my heavy arms and charged at Jana.

Tears gushing from Jana's face mingled with the tears that trickled down Neema's. At the Noise the two babies began crying, their noises screeching in my ear.

Neema tried to pull Jana into her arms but the little girl was fighting to get away. The scene so heartbreaking as mother and daughter- two sisters- broke apart. They needed each other's love and this was the result when it was threatened.

Neema was murmuring soft words in her ears but Jana was still screaming her hate.

It was the sight that Khan and Carson walked into.

"Papa" she cried, dislodging herself from Neema as she leapt into his arms, crying her heart out into his skin.

Her actions and words only set Neema into more tears. Hyperventilating as she struggled to breathe through her tears. Her hands slapping down onto the floor repeatedly as she cried her heart out.

Khan wrapped Neema in his arms as he still held Jana along his hip. Peppering her with kisses he tried to coax her into calming down but she couldn't. Her heart was desolate, so damaged from the weeks events that she couldn't be calm in the face of this storm.

I turned  away from the emotional family, giving them the privacy I know they needed. Swinging my legs to the side,  I bounced the two babies in my lap. Cooing to them in baby talk even though they were both way passed that stage.

Roarke's hands clapped together as he chanted for more, princess Reina not quite impressed yet. I had a trick up my sleeve though, pulling up her top I made an over exaggerated face as I gasped for breath and blew raspberries on her belly. That was always a party pleaser.

Her fat hand sunk into my hair as she yanked it, drool dribbling from her mouth as she squealed her laughter.

I felt his presence standing over me but ignored it as I took turns blowing raspberries until Khan was ready to see his youngest two. This was the routine we had now. He had cemented our future with his words but he was struggling to follow through. He hovered over me like a vulture waiting for some meat.

I refused to speak to him, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of my words. He didn't deserve them. Carson took a seat beside me, grabbing for Reina. I let him have her, my eyes were too focussed on the approaching Khan.

Me and Khan didn't speak much but when we did it was always heartfelt and somewhat emotional. I dreaded what he would say to me now.

His wet eyelashes clenched over his damp hazel eyes as he cleared his throat. "Did she tell you."

I shook my head no, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "I found her on the floor."

His eyes shuttered as he grimaced in pain, his hand clutching his heart as if it actually hurt. The image of Neema bleeding on the floor echoing in our minds.

"And Jana?"

"She hates her lessons and she thinks Neema doesn't want her anymore" tears fell onto his scarred brown skin, his eyes closing in pain.

His thick forearm swiped at his damp face as he picked up roarke from my arms and placed him into carsons lap. I took his gesture for what it was and stood up so I could face him.

"They are going to spend sometime together. So Jana can feel better and so Neema can-" his words broke off as he he cursed under his breath. His fingers delved into his hair as he yanked strands from his normally neat man bun.

"I wish I had been here," he cursed himself a million times, his grief stricken eyes staring into me with a mates pain. With a fathers pain. He had lost his baby in the same sentence he had learned about its existence.

"You were doing something important." Carson spoke words that were meant to be comforting but no words could comfort this kind of torment. Not half hearted filth about importance.

His voice physically moved me to my core but I brushed it off, this was more important than the stupid affect his voice still had on me.

"Nothing is more important than this. Nothing." Such reverence in his eyes.

"This is my family." His hand thumped on his chest, thudding as he beat his fist to his skin repeatedly.

"My daughter thinks her mother doesn't love her and my mate-" his fist slapped again. This time harder, his shoulder twisting back at the force.

"My beautiful fucking mate" he was hurting himself, the physical pain a way to remove himself from the emotional turmoil.

"I should have been here" tears were rolling down his face, as his fist kept beating his skin. My hand wrapped over his fist, my thumb rubbing over his knuckles until he relaxed it. His hand dropped to his side as his head buried deep into my shoulder.

"It's okay Khan, it's okay. You're here now" his hearts pain dampened my neck as he mourned for the death of his pup. As he released all the anger and guilt he felt for not being here.

"You're here now and we all love you." My hands stroked back his hair and I thought of Neema. I had done this for her and now I was doing this for her male, hoping that I could somehow lesson their burden. Their grief.

I would feel their pain so they didn't have to.

Khan was a different kind of male, he wore his emotions on his sleeve. He wasn't the cold and calculating type. When he was angry you knew it and when he was sad the whole world felt it.

Carson sat by, his jaw clenched as he watched the scene unfold between me and his brother. Clearly uncomfortable with  the events.

Khan's head came up from its perch in my shoulder. His face eyes were dull but a small smile graced his lips.

"Guess I should let you go spend time with your male."

Shock splattered all acros my face at his words, did he know.

"My male?" I questioned, my hands twisting at my side as they ached to grip my chest.

"Mmmm," he grunted unaware of my turmoil, "Neema told me you were hanging out with a male called blue or something."

He was as rubbing at his neck, clearly finding the situation as awkward and bizarre as I was. Never in all my time staying here had Khan ever tried to question me about my life.

Sure he cared for me and asked how my day was but never had he paid such attention to the finer details. I was mind blown even when I could feel Carson's anger from where I stood.

"Oh, you mean Cobalt," I laughed awkwardly.

The male who Eliza had set me up with was definitely someone I would be hanging out with more. Not anytime soon but as soon as this family had healed I would be seeing him and his beautifully expressive blue eyes. Damn he was dreamy.

"Yeh, just watch out for these young boys. They can be sneaky."

"No more sneaky then most men," I snarked under my breath, Carson flinched at my words but I pressed on.

"Thank you though, I'll tell him Alpha Khan will be watching." I chuckled again, my hand raising to my head as I patted it with lack of something to do. This situation was becoming really weird.

"You do that" he replied, arms folded over his chest. He was back to his intimidating self, no signs of his tears left.

I nodded my head and high-tailed it out of there as quick as I could.

"And Vanya" he called, his voice stopping me mid sprint to the door. I stopped and rotated all in one move.

"Thank you, for everything."

I wanted to tell him thank you, thank you for letting me into your family. Providing me with a home and a place to call my own. Somewhere where I could be myself whoever that was. I wanted to thank him for so much but instead I just settled for a nod and a pat to my heart.