It was her birthday, well not the actual day because she was already 14 but it was the day of her party. I had of course been invited, Neema had implored me to come. Her eyes had been heavy with lack of sleep but there had been a light within. As if she knew the secret I guarded closely.

I didn't tell her that I wouldn't miss it for the world. I merely nodded my head and said I would think about it. And think I had, though my decision had already been made. I thought on little Vanya and how she wasn't quite so little anymore. It was wrong of me to notice but I did, she was growing, her body swelling in the ways of a woman.

I made myself sick and the only way I could assuage those guilts was if I proved that I was still a man not some sick child watcher. So I did, the women came to me now that I was a "reformed" male. I could fight now. I wasn't some simpering book worm so I was worthy of them. No female had seen my worth before no female but Neema and little Vanya. My butterfly.

I headed to her party though it had been going for hours, the night was approaching but the resounding thud of drums and tambourines told me the party was still going strong.

Many of the children had been sent to bed, only the adults and teenagers remained. Mostly humans interacting with humans but a few wolves lingering around.

The room was earthy, surrounded by greens of nature as the tall female demanded my attention. Her dress clung to her indecently and I noticed the little human boys watching her. Their eyes shifting in pleasure as they took in the sight of this female.

She had crafted her outfit to be seen and see her I did. In this moment I could almost trick myself into believing she was a woman. But the moment I stepped closer to her the allusion faded, she was still too young. There was an ethereal innocence to her that clung around her like a cloak. I would give her more time.

"Happy birthday butterfly," I murmured, my eyes shifting as I took in Neema's contemplative face. She watched us like a mother hen who protected her chicks.

Bringing the present from behind my back I handed it to her, my fingers rising as I pulled at my hair. No matter the male I had become I could never get rid of that nervous gesture.

"This is for you" I whispered, my head nodding for her to open. Her eyes lit up with joy, but her mouth stayed straight trying to control the emotion.

"Thank you Carson" her voice melted around my name, I always loved how she spoke my name. So soft, so gentle, so soothing. Her voice did things to me that I was both ashamed of but craved. I craved this little girl and it disgusted me.

Tears pooled in her eyes as she took in the deep brown leather book that I had given her. They trickled down her face as she rubbed her fingers against the page. Fingers stroking as if it were skin, I almost wished it were mine.

"This is beautiful" she gasped her throat thick with emotion as she took in the compilation of wild life I had placed before her. Each chapter was dedicated to a type of wildlife, some page's empty for her to expand on. So she could add her own collection. Her thumb stroked along the wing of a painted lady, the butterfly's wings preserved in a wax membrane and covered in plastic.

The book was filled with drawings and on some occasions the real creature. This was the start of a journal made by me just for her, so she could document every piece of wild life she ever encountered. A little piece of nature just for her.

"I also got you this" my face falling to the ground as I dipped into my pocket to pull out the small box. Handing it to her I watched with hungry eyes as she took in my gift. Her hand rising to her mouth as a large sob slipped from her.

"Can you put it on for me please" she shuffled as she handed me back the chain, her hand shaking with emotion.

The deep gold necklace stood out on her pale skin. When she turned to face me I couldn't help but smile at the way she fiddled with the pendant, eyes wide in awe. It suited her, the pendant was made out of clear diamond, carved in the shape of a chrysalis. The diamond itself was oblong but around it in gold etchings was very fine detail. The shape of a butterfly stuck within the cocoon, nestled until it had its metamorphosis.

"I will cherish this, Carson. Just like I cherish you" she mumbled her fingers clutching the chain as if she had to restrain herself from touching me. I had to stop myself from reaching for her. It was a feeling that travelled through my body every time I was around her. There were only ever two things I could do to stop it.

Drink or fornicate, neither option was pleasing to me. They never had been but it was something that I settled for. It was the only way I could stop myself from being consumed by my nature.

Nodding my head, I turned my back and headed through the crowd of busy humans. Heading outside to find a drink. I didn't look back to see her face even though I could feel her beautiful clear eyes on me. I didn't look back. I had entertained my hunger for long enough, I needed to leave now.

The harsh whip of cold air washed her scent from my nose, though her sweet smell still clung to me. Grabbing a drink of this burning liquid from the adults table I swallowed it whole before grabbing another cup. When the cup seemed to be doing nothing for me I left in search of a battle. Gods knew I needed a bottle.

This human alcohol was not doing it for me. I needed more m, so much more. Striding off further into the garden, I searched underneath one of the large tables. Grinning when I found the barrel of liquid I needed.

Prying open the lid I dipped my cup in and drank.

This liquid was different, there was no fire. It was made from sugar and of course had a small hint of wolfsbane. The flower causing a reaction in us that no other drink could. It's deep black colour was not appealing but when swished about a purple ring would be left around the cup. Such a pretty purple. Swirling and swirling around my cup.

I dipped it back in for more and swilled the drink about, creating shapes in my drink. I slapped my hand over my mouth when a snort accidentally slipped out. The sweet flavour catching up to me and leaving me feeling light, so light I could Fly with my beautiful butterfly.

Thinking of butterflies, where had she gone. I had pushed her from my sight but this sweet poison had me wanting her. Wanting to fly with my butterfly. Were her wings large enough to carry me? We would find out for sure.

I was determined to test out my theory, my feet stumbling as I made my way back inside. The lights had gone out and a burning flame was lit in the far corner. Like a moth to the flame I felt myself drawn to it, my eyes peering and peering until I flew. I flew so high I was sure I could hear screams until I crashed back down. My brain splatting on the concrete as liquid gathered on my face.

Was that my blood. Swiping at my head I tried to gather my hands in my face but I couldn't see. Rough fingers dug deep into my shoulder, yanking me hard as I was dragged from the room. My limbs heavy as I felt the poison rising through my body.

The slap of the cold air was it for me. One minute I was hovering over earth and the next I was vomiting all over myself. Water splashed over me clearing me of the stench and whatever had been clinging to my lashes.

"Look at you! You are a mess Carson!! A fucking mess!" Khan was furious, his eyebrows knitting together in that frown of his that was actually quite funny to watch. I slapped my hand back over my mouth, trying to cover the laugh that accidentally slipped out. You couldn't laugh at Khan Manasseh oh no. He was a prickly bear.

I felt water trickling down my face as I cried at the image. A bear covered in spikes with the face of Khan. I couldn't stop laughing.

He shouted some other angry crap, his hands waving as if he was all high and mighty before he spat in my direction. Feet vibrating in my head as he stormed off.

Seconds later my head smacked to the ground, eyes closing as I simply breathed in nature. My stomach rolling with that poison.

Sound was disjointed, a current above me that sloshed and waved together in a weird greeting. I could see the current above me, red and greens and ooh blue, hand weaving I tried to catch it until I felt fingers disturbing me. I grunted in displeasure as someone pushed me to my side, teeth tutting as they pulled and yanked on my clothes.

"Leave me alone" I grumbled my hand swiping out at the annoying person. A fierce slap landed on my skin before more pounding footsteps charged away from me.

Peace at last.

//--//

The feeling of something crawling on my skin was what first caused me to wake, though the moment I did I wished I hadn't. My head was rolling and my eyes were heavy and covered in something gooey. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and I had a bitter smell on my breathe.

Swiping at my face, I wiped as much as I could of whatever crap I had off of my skin. When I caught sight of what it was I felt dread reach the pit of my stomach. A big black all forming deep within.

A quiet "Fuck" slipped through my mouth as my mind decided to bombard me with last nights' spectacle. What a fuck up. Pieces began to form in my mind and that ball that had begun forming in my stomach multiplied. It grew and grew until it was the size of the sun. Burning a hole through my body.

I climbed to my feet, teetering for a minute until I had my balance. Once I did I was off, pushing through doors in the dark and climbing up stairs. Acid was rising up my throat but I tamped it down. This was more important I could wallow in a bowl of my own vomit and self pity later. Right now I had to right this wrong, if I even could.

My fist smacked down on the door, thumping and thumping even as she ignored me.

"Vanya! Vanya! Open up" I shouted my voice climbing in sound the longer I banged. I could hear sniffing behind the door before she yanked it open. My eyes burning at the mess I had caused. At the sight I had reduced her to. Fuck I made her cry.

Her face was red and her eyes were swollen with the tears she had obviously been crying. Tissue was gathered in a ball in her hand as liquid glistened on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry butterfly" I pleaded, begged. I would do anything to get that look out of her eyes. My feet crumbled beneath me as I dropped to her feet, tears gathering in my eyes as I begged her to forgive me.

"That is enough Carson" Khan's deep baritone could not stop me from my grovelling position, nothing could. Nothing but his rough hands as he viciously ripped me from my broken butterfly.

"Close the door and go to bed Vanya. I will deal with this" he spat. Teeth barring at me as he shoved me from her door way and practically threw me down the hall.

"Look at you Carson! You are a fucking mess!"

"I know, I know" I whispered, the word ringing in my head, I had fucked up royally. I knew this, I knew this.

"You ruined her birthday!! You destroyed her fucking cake."

I know, I know the word churning in my mind as my stomach churned with the acid. How could I ruin it! Her cake! How could I?

"I don't want you around us until you get yourself under fucking control!! Do you hear me boy?" His face was shoved deep into my face as his claws ripped ribbons into my skin. The pain was a pleasure because I deserved it! How could I ruin her birthday? I knew better, I knew it.

"Now get out of my sight and clean off this cake" I nodded my head, subconsciously rising to my feet as I stumbled back down the corridors eyes heavy and heart weak.

Storming into my bathroom I released my life into that godamn sink. My intestines, lungs and heart all in that sink, along with her godamn cake.

Rinsing my mouth, I made sure not to wash my face, I needed to see the evidence before I tried to wash it away. My deep grey eyes stared back at me, the usually distant orbs were full of disdain this night. So much disdain because not only had I ruined her birthday and destroyed her cake I had also managed to taint one of her best memories.

I had ruined the memory, tainted the whole fucking day because smart and all knowing me had managed to shove my whole fucking body into her chocolate cake. What a smart bastard I was. What a great guy, pat on the back Carson. Pat on the back asshole. You deserve mate of the year award!

I spat into the sink at the sight of this version of me, this guy made me sick.

What a fuck up. I was always such a fuck up.