It hasn't been long sense what the Alpha did to me happened. I try to find some type of feeling to latch onto. I've tried them all honestly. Anger at what he did, sadness, disappointment, confusion, gratitude, even pleasure, I tried to feel anything that makes me less of whatever he forced me to be that day. But no matter how hard I try I feel nothing and just like after all the Alpha commands he shouted at me that day I was nothing but whatever he needed me to be. It had been two weeks and most times I forgot I had a voice to talk or arms that I could still move. The men that had been in the pack house before everything happened are always looking at me. I wonder if its because they heard my cries before the Alpha silenced those too or because I was the Alpha's Chosen, which has become my new name around the pack. No one knows that I hate that name or what I was chosen for. No, he wants to save that big surprise for my 17th birthday party like I'm supposed to be proud of it or something.

Everyone knows about the mate sniffing and when I arrived home with puffy eyes my mother thought they were tears of joy. She was proud and excited that not only was her daughter chosen she was compatible with an Alpha. Her father bragged about it among the high ranked wolves like himself. He didn't even know what he was bragging about but Jamie had a feeling that once he did it wouldn't change much.

My father owed everything he was to the Alpha and Luperca pack. When he was younger he was found beaten half to death and the edge of the pack. He was a rouge and should have been killed on site but the Luna at the time decided to take him in and raise him as her own. He grew up as the younger brother of Alpha Jack and was even supposed to be Beta but being Beta took up too much time so when my mother was pregnant with me he became the first Gamma.

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. Looking up I see my mom standing at the door with a smile on her face. I smile back but I know it doesn't reach my eyes.

"Dinner's almost ready baby, be down in ten minutes."

"Ok."

When my mom leaves, I get off my bed. Walking to my bathroom I stop right in front of the mirror. Taking in a large amount of air then letting it out I turn on the sink and splash my face. Throwing my hair in a quick ponytail I look in the mirror one more time then leave the room.

"Hey mom, hey dad," I say sitting at the table.

"Theirs's my chosen girl," my dad says with a grin and I grimace, "How's it going? We haven't heard much from you since you were chosen."

"It's going dad," I say.

"You must be overriding with emotions."

"You don't even know the half of it," I mutter under my breath.

My mom comes and puts a plate of Chicken Alfredo in front of us while taking a seat herself. Grabbing my hand my father leads us in prayer then we dig in. The meal goes by quick and quiet. Very few words are spoken until everyone is nearly done.

"Jamie is everything okay? For the past few days you've been distant. I wish you could tell us what happen at that stupid pack house."

"Mom I'm fine, I've just been really tired with all my training and stuff for camp."

"That's my girl," my dad interjects looking at me proudly.

"Hear that babe she's gonna be the best warrior just like her old man," my dad gloats to my mom.

My mom gives me a look then turns towards my father, "Well at least we know the old man part is correct."

I laugh for the first time in a while and it feels good but I can already feel it dying in my throat and my smile falling. Unlike most teens I consider myself close to my parents but I'd never tell them everything. Despite being somewhat of a girly girl I'm a daddy's girl all the way.

Once dinner's over I practically race to my room. After everything that happened I cut my phone off not wanting to be bothered. Finally deciding to cut it back on hoping that it would make me feel somewhat normal I go through all my messages. I don't reply to any but one. Looking at the hundreds of messages July's left me I click on the most recent.

From July: I don't care if the Lord chose you himself you better reply to me or so help me ice cream I will catch a plane, come home and beat you!

To July: Sorry about never replying. Wish you were here bestie. Going to sleep now, goodnight.

I don't change my clothes but instead just take them off and move around in the bed to find a nice spot. When I'm finally okay with my spot I notice that the light is still on. Letting out an annoyed sigh I roll out of bed. "I wish I could just clap my hands and the lights would turn off."

...

I don't get up until I've at least hit the snooze button four times. The room is surrounded in sunlight and I remind myself to get black curtains so I can sleep in more. I need to take a shower I think as I get out of the bed. As I make my bed my mind wanders to what I'm going to wear to the doctor's appointment the Luna set up for me today. "Tights and a sweater," I decide out loud, "Nothing can ever go wrong with tights and a sweater."

I take everything off once I'm in the bathroom and turn the water on without checking. As soon as my feet touch the water I jump back. "Pineapples!" I yell. I start to laugh at myself because out of all the things I could say my mind automatically thinks of pineapples.

"Guess who's watching Kevin Hart when they get home," I say aloud, a small smile on my face.

Turning the water to warm I get back in.

Once I'm done with showering I go down stairs. My mom isn't home and I let out a sigh. I remember when I was younger I asked her why she had to go to work and she told me werewolves weren't born with money and she still had bills to pay. I leave a note on the counter that says I might be home a little but I don't say why.

...

The walk to the pack house was quiet. Most of the teens were either gone for the summer or were at training, which is where I would be if the Luna didn't pull me out. I've only been walking for a few minutes when Chris comes up to me. Me and Chris dated 8th through 10th grade year but when he shifted on his 16th birthday and found out we weren't mates we both decided to end it. He was the first boy that I ever had true feelings for and I was sad when we broke up. We try to be friends now but it's more of an awkward relationship if anything.

"Are you alright?" Chris asks and before I can answer he starts talking again, "And don't hand me no BS."

"I'm better than most people in the world," I decide to tell him, "I've got to go," I add stopping in front of the pack house.

Chris reaches out and grabs my hand and the Alpha's voice floats into my head, "Keep your hands still and don't snatch them away." For that split second that I hear his voice I forget that I can move my hand, that I'm the only one in charge of my body.

"D-don't touch me," I hiss, snatching my hand away.

Chris looks at me and his eyes shine with confusion and sadness but I don't have time to think about it.

...

The Luna is already waiting for me. She greets me with a smile and I try to give her one back.

"We're running a bit behind dear so we're going to have to talk in the car," she announces and walks out the door.

I don't know what type of car she has I just know it's nice and its red. When she turns on the car Ed Sheeran comes through the speakers and I turn it up before she could do anything, I hope she wasn't planning on talking to me.

"Me and my husband are very excited about you and the baby," she says, "When I found out I couldn't have kids I was heartbroken."

I nod to humor her. "I'm so sorry that you couldn't have your own children," I say but I don't think I'm telling the truth.

Will I be able to keep my baby?

Are you going to take them from me and tell them you're their mother?

Is my baby just going to know me as a member of their pack?

How do the Elders and other packs feel about this? Do they even know?

What If I meet my mate while I'm pregnant?

What if something goes wrong?

All my questions go unanswered but then again I never opened my mouth to ask them.

...

The Theta or pack doctor's house seems to never be full of patients unless it's the few unfortunates who angered my father during training. The hospital isn't far from the pack grounds but it's shared with a human town so most pregnancy related things happen directly at the Theta's personal house. Our Theta is a sweet middle aged woman somewhere in her late 30's. Before the whole, I want to be just like daddy faze happened, I wanted nothing more than to be the next Theta of Luperca pack. At the age of six Ms. Christi had become my unannounced adopted mother even if I had my own mother at home. Every day at six o'clock on the dot I would ride my bike to her house and watch as she showed me all these different things about the best way to heal a cut made by silver or help someone who inhaled to much wolfbane during practice.

Other than being at my aunt's house her house is my second favorite place to be.

Curious eyes follow us as we walk through the house. The pack members are probably wondering why the chosen one as they call me and the Luna are visiting the pack doctor. Bypassing the few nurses she goes to the head doctor Ms. Christi and knocks on the door.

Ms. Christi opens the door and embraces me in a big hug. She must know why I'm here. She pulls back but her grip is still tight on my shoulders. Her eyes lock with mine and I know I have some to go to.

Ms. Christi's facial expression changes once she glances at the Luna. Her smile is wide and her eyes show excitement and glee but the tight grip that has now moved down to my hand lets me know she's still on my side.

"Please Luna, Jamie come in," she says opening her office door a bit wider.

Her office is actually quite big and is more like a mini house. There is her actual office and then a door that leads to an actual hospital room. That is where we go. Walking into the room and seeing everything for the first time in a while brings back so many memories it almost brings a smile to my face but then I remember why I'm here and my smiles gets hit by a bus.

Although the bed is familiar it feels foreign. When I'm asked to change, chills run up my body despite the warmth that was present not long ago. The room is silent once the cold blue gel touches my skin. The Luna sits in the corner blank eyes on the screen and my eyes watch Ms. Christi's hand move across my stomach.

My fears come true when I hear the Luna gasp and I look at her instead of the screen. The look in her eyes rub me wrong. I don't want this baby but I don't want her to have it either. The Luna comes over and hugs Ms. Christi before stopping in front of me.

Instead of talking her hand reaches towards my stomach and I flinch away.

"I don't want you to touch me," I say and her hand is back at her side but her eyes are harsh.

You knew what he was going to do to me. You're a monster just like him, no your worst. This is what I want to say but I don't. The Alpha seems to have a new control over me.

"I'm pregnant," I murmur and blink back the tears in my eyes.

"How about you return tomorrow by yourself and we can talk about everything together," Ms. Christi says and I want to hug her but instead I get up and nod.

I leave the room and don't look back. The Luna doesn't follow at first.

...

The car ride back is completely silent. The Luna's grip is so tight on the steering wheel her tan skin is near red. "You know not to tell anyone anything?" she asks. I nod.

She stops right in front of my house and turn towards me. Her lips start to move but before a sound gets out I'm already out of the car and half way up the drive way. She honks her horn but I don't look back.

The house is empty once again and I grab a book, some bubble bath, and candles before locking myself in the bathroom.

...

I'm up earlier than everyone in my house. The clock says noon and I let out a groan. I over slept again. I take a quick shower before walking to Ms. Christi's house. It's almost completely empty when I arrive and that makes me release a sigh.

Pregnant, I think and something in me wants to laugh until I cry because it's so funny. I wasn't planning on having children until at least three years after I met my mate and look at me now. Pregnant by a mated man, I didn't even have a choice.

As if Ms. Christi knew exactly when I was coming she opened her door with a smile and a tray of cookies. I take a cookie and follow her down the hall into her personal room. Pictures of her son hang on the walls with his medals from his service in the military. Her husband's shoes are sprawled across the floor and she lets out a sigh as she kicks it against the wall.

"Dirty men," she mumbles and looks at me with a smile. "Come sit," her voice comes out soft as she gestures to a spot next to her on the bed.

I take the seat and we sit quietly for a while. My hand rest in hers the whole time that I just gaze it her plain white wall. I want to ask her why she changed the color but I know that's not why she invited me.

"You can talk to me whenever you're ready," she tells me and I nod.

"I once read this book," Ms.Christi starts, "About this girl who was sexually assaulted the summer before her ninth grade year. She didn't tell anyone until she couldn't hold it in anymore and she hurt a lot of people around her but herself mostly. She was afraid to speak, thought no one would listen. Don't be afraid to speak Jamie."

I do not speak. My mouth stays shut. I want to tell her but I can't. She doesn't understand that I am more than just afraid, I am terrified.

(Rewritten 11-7-16)