CHAPTER 8

April 2005

The season of Spring quietly came and no one seemed to notice. Though Easter bunnies were well stocked in toy stores and supermarkets, they did not bring the spirit of joy and new beginnings as they usually did, at least not to Emile.

It has now been a few months since the first visit with Dr. Chan. The biopsy and MRI results officially announced that Mark was a Stage-4 lung cancer patient, worse than the original guesstimate. Cancer had spread from his lungs, hip joint and to the brain. His days were numbered. Mark's body did not respond well to the series of radiation and chemotherapy. Though his condition was now stabilized at a certain level, he definitely was weaker than a couple of months before.

Since putting Candy to bed, Emile had been working on his laptop in the study. He ran his hand through his hair as he leaned back on the chair, eyes still staring at the laptop screen. "One year!" He said to himself and huffed out a frustrated breath. He was doing his research on the internet, educating himself with whatever information he could find on lung cancer. The more he learnt about the illness, the more hopeless he became. He felt as if death was crouching at the door step, ready to jump onto Mark at anytime. Death would not wait for long. Less than 10% of those patients could ever survive in a 5-year span, while there was only a 50/50 chance that Mark would live beyond a year.

Emile took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. His eyes were so sore and he rubbed them roughly, relaxing the eye muscles quickly. He had not had a good sleep since the first meeting with Dr. Chan, and it was many weeks ago. He was totally exhausted and had never been such a wreck. He always thought he had a happy and worry-free life. He could not recall one goal that he failed to achieve until now. He only wanted his father to live longer, and yet, he knew he would fail miserably in this task.

He returned his eyes to his laptop, minimized the browser and pulled up the Microsoft Calendar. He needed to reschedule a few meetings in the office. Dr. Chan wanted to try a new drug on Mark. She scheduled a few treatment sessions in the next couple of weeks and Emile wanted to be there. The drug was not so new in countries like the United States, but for Canada, hospitals were still not able to freely administer the drug without the patients' and their families' consent.

He looked through the available slots in his calendar. Juggling between the role of a CTO in a fast paced company and a loving son had tired him physically and emotionally. Though Marcus and Ryan knew about his father sickness, they needed him to manoeuvre the technology teams through the series of changes in the company. What he hated the most, was the facade he had to put up in the office. Meetings after meetings, issues after issues, he was so exhausted but yet, he could not show any signs of fatigue and weakness. Thank God he had convinced Marcus and Ryan that Mason could take on Conrad's job. He definitely could not have survived it without Mason's help. Though he was not a perfect fit for the job, with the proper support from the few technical gurus on the team, Mason could make do. For now, his job was saved.

He sent off a few more emails and decided to call it a night. He needed to catch up some sleep. He shut down his laptop and swivelled his chair around, facing Alena who was working feverishly on the last couple projects in her studies.

"Alena? Are you done yet?" Emile stretched his arms up high and yawned a little as he asked Alena.

"Almost. You want to sleep now?" Alena replied without looking away from her work.

"Hmm. Need to catch some sleep. I will go up first." Emile rose to his feet and walked up the stairs to the bedroom. He was just dead tired.

Alena was still very focused on her Business Strategy assignment. She had a group meeting the next morning, right after dropping Candy off at school. She needed to complete her parts before meeting the teammates. She continued to dig up a few more data points to support her proposal. After a few clicks, she finally found the articles she was looking for and quickly jotted down the numbers on her Excel Charts. She wrote a few more paragraphs and decided it would be good enough for the meeting. She saved the documents and shut off her computer. She looked at the clock and it was only eleven o'clock. She walked out to the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.

The intense research she just did kept her brain in high gear. She was wide alert and did not feel a tiny bit of drowsiness. She did not want to roll and toss in the bed, and disturbed the precious sleep that Emile much needed. It would be better for her to have a few quiet moments alone, allowing her brain to gradually shift back to the lower gears. She turned on the stereo in the kitchen and let the music hum softly. She sat on the sofa by the entrance of the playroom and quietly sipped the searing tea. Her mind aimlessly drifted back to what happened in the last few months.

It had been dreadful journey for everyone in the last while. Watching Mark getting sicker day by day was heart sickening. His cheerful personality gradually withered and became a quiet person. Candy was the only one who could manage to bring a smile on his face. However, as he continued to lose weight and hair, Candy was getting more and more reluctant to go near her once beloved grandpa. His looks sure had changed through this horrific journey. However, no one would blame Candy. After all, she was not even three years old. Needless to say, Emile and Rhonda suffered most that their pain was evident on their faces.

Alena took another sip of the tea. Reflecting on how she managed the situation, she seemed to be more immune to the situation than the rest of the family. Of course she was sad, but she was not as gloomy as the rest of them. God had already well prepared her for such time years ago, as she walked through the same journey with her own father. Just like what she did for her mother and sister last time round, she would once again take on the role, being the strong one, withholding the stress that cancer brought to the family. She could neither tumble before Emile, nor letting him tumble. He needed her. He needed her within reach, physically and emotionally.

She absentmindedly picked up one of Candy's soft teddy bear sitting next to her. She brought it close to her nose and sniffed it. The baby scent filled her nose. She took another stronger sniff so as to imprint the scent in her heart. This scent would soon be gone from the house and there would not be another baby to renew such smell. This thought no longer ached her heart. She surrendered her baby desire at the foot of the Lord. She wholeheartedly and peacefully submitted herself to His plan. To pull it through such a difficult time, not having another child was only wise. Being there for Emile, loving him and Candy was most important to her. She looked at the button eyes on the teddy bear, a small smiled tugged at the corner of her lips. She could always cuddle him if she wanted something small and soft. She picked up the teddy bear and tugged it under her arm. She brought the now empty cup back to the kitchen and rinsed it clean. She turned off the stereo and hugged the soft toy on her chest. She would sleep with it tonight, her baby, her secondbaby who would never come.

She walked into the bedroom. Emile was already sleeping. She crept in between the sheets and snuggled closer to him. Her face was only inches from his. She carefully lifted her finger and traced the contour of his face, and his lips. His lips were so warm and soft. She inched closer and gave him the lightest peck on his lips. She then noticed the creases between his eyebrows. She stroked the creases lightly, hoping to smooth them out. Even in his sleep, he was still worried and sad. She placed the teddy bear on her chest. She took a deep breath and her nose instantly filled with the unique scent of Emile and the baby scent of the teddy bear. She closed her eyes and peacefully drifted into sleepy land.

***

The next morning, as usual, Alena woke up the instance when Candy asked for her through the baby monitor, "Mama? Mama?"

Alena reached out to her night table and grabbed the baby monitor from the recharging cradle. She pressed the speaker button and murmured, "Candy?"

"Mama, Candy pee pee." Candy softly replied.

"Okay. Mama's coming." Alena carefully got out of the bed, hoping not to wake Emile. She walked across the hall and into Candy's room.

"Morning, baby." Alena knelt on the floor and kissed her on the forehead, "let mama take you pee pee."

She carried Candy in her arms and kissed her silly in the belly. Candy laughed and squirmed in her arms. Luckily, they reached the ensuite bathroom just when Candy was about to escape from her arms. She safely put her on the floor and helped her with the morning routine.

Just when she finished brushing Candy's teeth, Emile walked in the room. His eyes were half-opened and his hair was spiking out in all directions.

"Papa's funny." Candy looked at Emile and told him with a big grin on her face.

"Candy's funny too. Who was the laughing silly goose this morning, huh?" Emile squatted down and met Candy eyes to eyes. He pinched her cheeks playfully and Candy giggled more as she dodged behind Alena.

"Oh sorry, I forgot to turn off the baby monitor. We woke you?" Alena then realized he must be woken up by the laughter through the baby monitor.

"It's alright. I need to be early this morning anyway." Emile stood up and kissed Alena on her cheeks. "I have a few meetings this morning." A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He grabbed one of her hands, while Alena grabbing Candy's and the three of them walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Woken up by laughter was the best way to start a day. Emile thought. It reminded him the beautiful things that God had granted him already, a loving wife and an adorable daughter. What more could he asked for? Of course, it would be even better if his father could live longer and possibly healed. This idea ached his heart a little as he busily prepared his morning coffee. He still could not surrender this desire, the desire that everything could return to how it was, healthy parents and happy family.

Having settled Candy in the playroom, who was now blissfully playing with her dolls, Alena walked into the kitchen, about to prepare the rainbow coloured cereal for Candy. She saw the grimace on Emile's face as she reached for the cereal bowl, stored in the cupboard just above the coffee maker. The urge to bring a smile to his face burnt in her heart. She put the bowl on the counter and circled her arms around his waist.

"How are you this morning? Tired still?" She inched closer and started kissing him along his jaw line. This was the only way she knew that would distract him from whatever he was thinking. It had always worked. Whenever he looked totally defeated in his deep thoughts, her physical embraces would always put a smile on his face.

"Don't you think it's a bit too early to seduce me?" Emile chuckled and pulled her closer. His lips urgently searched for hers. It worked. He was now distracted, and he smiled too.

"I think it's more like you are seducing me." Alena giggled and broke from the urgent kiss, gasping for air. "Now, come on, I am meeting with the German boys this morning." She sealed the sentence with a deep kiss. "I really need to get going."

"German boys?" Emile smiled. Alena was only a few of years older than those German exchange students. But for some reasons, Alena always felt she was much more mature and experienced in the business world than they were, therefore, calling them "boys".

"Oh, and a Canadian one too." Alena replied, oblivious about Emile's amusement in her way of describing her schoolmates. "It's only a two hour meeting. I will pick up Candy from school afterwards, so no worries. Oh yeah, my cell may not work in the basement. So just leave me a voice mail if you can't reach me, okay?"

"Okay. Let's get going then." Emile finished off his coffee and they moved on to their daily routine.

***

After dropping off Candy at school, Alena hopped onto her car and drove to the campus. As a part time student, all of her courses were at night. She visited the campus on a few Saturday mornings, but never on a weekday morning. The teammates in the previous courses were mostly mature students who had quite a few years of experience in the work force, very much liked her. Most of them had day-time jobs too. This was the first time she worked with a group of full time students who preferred meeting on a weekday morning.

"Morning guys. Sorry I'm late." Alena removed her spring jacket as she walked into the meeting room. She was five minutes late and the feeling of being late did not sit well in her chest. She was always obsessed with schedules.

"Morning, Alena," the two German exchange students replied in unison, their English cloaked with a very heavy German accent. "Lance is not here yet, you are not last." Gerald was the one who finished off the sentence. His blond hair was awfully long, partly covering his sky blue eyes. He did not want to subject his hair to the not-so-stylish hair dressers in Toronto. His family ran one of the prestigious salon chains in Munich. He would never trust anyone with a pair of scissors, except for his personal stylist back home.

"So I still have a few minutes to grab a bottle of water from the machine?" Alena asked shamefully as she still needed a few more minutes before the meeting. This might not be a long meeting, but two hours talking without a sip of water could be difficult.

"Sure you do." Berg replied, the other German student. He adjusted his black brimmed glasses closer to his dark brown eyes as it slid lower. He ran his hands through his messy black hair. He and Gerald sure looked exhausted as if they had not slept for months.

"Thanks." Alena walked out of the room and mused how boyish these gentlemen looked. They both were quite good looking in fact, but apparently being an exchange student and being locked up in the campus most of the time, they lost their incentives to tidy themselves. Their girlfriends must found such looks horrid, if they were in the same continent. Alena hid a giggle as she walked back to the meeting room with a bottle of water from the machine. These boys, they sure looked funny! She thought. Being here with them did temporarily give her some rejuvenating time. No need to think about Marks' cancer and Emile's agony. For now, she was just a student, working with her friends, getting the term project completed.

"Bonjour. Comment ça va??" Lance walked into the room right behind Alena and greeted everyone in French. He was a Canadian with a French heritage. Once in a while, he would like to remind everyone in the room that he was not monolingual. He too spoke another language, just like the rest of the team. He was slightly older than the exchange students, still a year or two younger than Alena. Since he was local and had a day job, he took better care of his looks than the other guys. His chocolate brown hair was fashionably styled and he dressed nicely. He had a strong built too, a result of pursuing his career as a personal trainer in a health club.

"Oh good! Handsome boy is here now. Let's get started." Berg was so impatient to get the project over with. He wanted to sleep. As a requirement for the exchange program, he and Gerald took a full-load school term and therefore, completely swamped with end of term projects.

"Ah Berg! You can be handsome too." Lance chuckled. He appeared to be in a very good mood today, "or are you waiting for Gerald's hair dresser to fix your hair when you are back in Germany?"

"Leave me out of this please." Gerald sighed. He was very self-conscious of how he looked. He hated how his hair was like, but he did not have the guts to go to the campus barber.

"Alright guys. Shall we start? I only have two hours, or else my daughter will be crying for me at school." Alena put on a warm smile, while trying to bring everyone back on track.

Realizing that they did have a time limit for the meeting, everyone immediately got onto their works, sharing their findings and ideas with the team.

The meeting was very productive. Alena always admired the work ethics that the German students possessed. They were very efficient in the discussions, never strayed from the work at hands, and the perfection they demand in the works fascinated her. To add more excitement in the discussion, Lance always managed to ask the "devil advocate's questions" which sparked everyone to think harder on their proposals.

They were so efficient that they managed to complete their works in less than two hours. The exchange students were thrilled that they could go back to the residence and took a power nap before the next class. They fled from the meeting room as soon as they gathered their belongings.

"I will see you in class, Lance. Bye." Alena put on her spring jacket and grabbed her belongings. She was so eager to get out of the building, looking so forward to see her sunshine, Candy.

"Wait, Alena." Lance said, while he busily packed his books and computer into his backpack.

"Yes, Lance?" She turned around, not sure what Lance wanted.

"You still have a few minutes, don't you? Can I buy you a coffee?" Lance asked Alena, looking so hopeful and his excitement was so obvious in his voice.

Alena was shocked by his request, not sure where Lance was coming from. She never had a drink or coffee with any of her schoolmates, alone. What could he possibly want from her? She was very uncomfortable with such request.

"Hmm...I do need to pick up my daughter..."

"Please, Alena. I have something really exciting to tell you, and I want to hear what you think?" Lance cut her off. "It won't take long." He began walking towards the cafeteria, totally expected Alena to follow.

"I supposed." Alena muttered. Since they finished the meeting early and therefore, she had no excuse to refuse him. She had no choice but to follow him to the cafeteria.

Lance bought her an Irish Cream coffee and they sat at table by the entrance. Alena purposely glanced at her watch, not that she was in any real hurry, but a gesture telling Lance to hurry up.

"Someone has offered me a really good business opportunity and I want your opinion." Lance's excitement was radiating through him and Alena could tell he was so excited about this opportunity.

"What is it then?" Alena relaxed a little and tried to hide her smile behind her coffee as she lifted the cup to her mouth. She was so glad that this was not one of those college crush that she had to politely turn down. It had been many years since she last did it. It was before she met Emile, way back in her freshman year. She silently laughed at herself. No one would found her attractive in that way anymore, now that she was a mother. She was too sure of herself and that thought made her feeling very foolish.

"The health club I am working in, the owner wants to retire. He knew that I am now doing my MBA, so he asked if I want to take over the business. What do you think?" Lance was grinning ear to ear as he thought about his dream of running his own business.

"Why are you asking me, Lance? What do YOU think?" Alena was confused why Lance would want her opinion on this matter. After all, she knew nothing about running a health club. She had never been to one either.

"Oh I know you are very connected with those venture people. You used to work with them, right? You think they will invest in the business?" Lance asked, sounding so much like a boy asking for a piece of candy, with hopes filling his eyes.

Alena almost choked on her coffee. Oh boy, he really had no idea what those venture people wanted. The businesses they invested in usually were very high risks, but the return would be huge. They would never be interested in putting money in a cash generating business. Those were for angel investors, more like retired billionaires who wanted to diverse their investments.

"Hmm...I think it's better to go after the angel investors, rather than the venture capitalists." She chose her words very carefully, hoping she would not burst his bubble, while relating the information to him. "Venture capitalists usually looked for at least a ten-fold return." She exaggerated the numbers, hoping that Lance would get the message.

"Oh. I see." Lance was a little disappointed with the news, but then he beamed again and asked, "Do you know any angel investors?"

"Unfortunately, not those who would invest in the sporting industry." Alena smiled and she glanced at her watch once again. If she did not get out of there soon, she would soon find Candy crying at school.

But Lance did not notice such gesture as he open his backpack, searching for something. "Ah, here it is! Take this. It's my business plan. Would you mind to read it over and give me some feedback? Maybe you would be interested too?" Lance shoved the document in front of Alena, expecting her to take it. "What are you planning to do after graduation anyway?"

That question took Alena completely off guard. Shock was so evident on her face and Lance immediately knew that he asked the wrong question. He did not know why it was wrong to ask, however.

"Hmm, I guess you have to run. Take your time. Let me know what you think about the proposal." Lance quickly grabbed his half-drank coffee and stood up, ready to leave.

"Sure, I will read it tonight." Alena rose from her chair, grabbed the document and walked out of the cafeteria with Lance. Alena was so embarrassed with her reactions. She quickly parted from him in a nearby staircase.

As she walked back to the car, her light hearted mood was completely ruined by that one questions. It was a fair question that Lance was asking, but it was also the ONE question she did not know the answer. That question threw her back to the reality she lived in. She sighed a heavy breath, as if trying to huff out the uneasiness off her chest. But it really was no use.

After she picked up Candy from school and all afternoon, Lance's question was still ringing in her ears. "What are you planning to do after graduation anyway?" She could hear that question wherever she went. It was true that she had now come to terms to the "no more babies" plan. But what came next? Her confusion in her future had not cleared a tiny bit since Mark became sick. If not more, she was as confused as she was months ago. Should she stay home and help taking care of Mark? Should she find a job as Emile suggested months ago? If so, what kind of job? Should she embark her career in a new field, say Marketing and applied her post graduate studies into practice? Or should she go back to the company? That one impromptu question from Lance sparked many others which she did not really want to face. Now that with Mark being sick, it further complicated the situation. Particularly, who would best be Candy's caregiver? A nanny? But she never wanted a nanny to take care of Candy. It was supposed to be her job.

Alena spent the whole afternoon playing with Candy and it was wonderful. Just thinking about "perhaps" she were to go back to the workforce, it made her want to spend every moment with Candy. She played as if there would not be another day which she could indulge herself in Candy's giggles. However, a small part of her mind was, in fact, actively thinking in the mist of all the fun play. She wanted to find a way, where everything would fit together. An idea began to form in her head.

***

Later that evening, when the house was quiet, Emile was in the shower and Candy was fast asleep in her room, Alena tried to spend a few moments to glance through the proposal from Lance. She sat lazily on the bed with a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallow in her hands. The proposal was resting on her laps and it was neatly prepared. It had some interesting ideas on how to revive the Health Club and made it more pleasing to the younger demographics. It even had a rough draft of the financial plan appended at the end.

Soon the noise from the shower stall stopped. Alena glanced up quickly as Emile walked out from the bathroom in his shorts.

Alena sat up straight and put aside the document on Emile's pillow. She hugged her cup of hot chocolate and drank almost half a cup in one gulp. She was so satisfied with the sweet chocolate taste in her mouth. It also brought a home sweet home feeling throughout her body, as the liquid traveled along her throat and into her stomach.

"What are you reading?" Emile picked up the document from his pillow. He was very curious what she was reading. After a long day, Alena usually would be flipping through the TV channels at the moment.

"A proposal." Alena smiled sweetly at Emile and she put the half drank hot chocolate on the bedside table.

"A proposal? The school project, you mean?" Emile walked to the chair by the bed and grabbed his sweatpants, "the same one you were working on with the boys?" He put on the pants and he pulled up a faint smile at the corner of his lips.

"Oh no, this is not a school thing. This is a real proposal from one of the boys. He wants to take over a health club." Alena replied, stressing the word "real" with a long "ee" sound. She continued to smile, an unusual kind of a smile.

Emile saw the smile and heard the "ee". It looked like there was more in what she was saying.

"Come on, don't tease me. What's on your mind?" Emile did not like beating around the bushes. Alena could play the game for hours, teasing his desire to find out whatever secret she was hiding, and he would eventually get very frustrated.

"Relax. You know I am only teasing you." Alena knelt on the mattress, leaned closer to Emile, who was sitting at the foot of the bed, and gently kissed him on his lips.

"I have been thinking," Alena sat on the bed and looked straight into Emile's eyes, not sure how to tell him what she was thinking, "...I was thinking..." She paused once again and looked at the pile of document on the bed, unsure of where to start.

"Alena, something's wrong?" Emile was getting anxious now.

"No. I just don't know where to begin." Alena sighed and her playful tone was gone.

"Perhaps from the beginning?" Emile assured her.

"Well, first of all, I have decided, not to have another baby," she paused and looked hesitantly at Emile under her lashes, "I think God has now shut all the doors that Mark's sick. It really doesn't make sense to have another child. With the changes in the company, I really don't want to give you more stress than necessary." She slowly looked up to Emile.

He sure did not see that coming. He kept quiet while trying to digest what she was saying, and what she was about to say.

"And secondly, I think I should restart my career." Alena finished.

Emile did not know how to respond to what she had just said. He sure was not upset with that decision, nor was he ecstatic. He knew how much she wanted another child, although this conclusion seemed to make most sense. He worried how much this decision would cost her.

"Are you sure? Is this what you want?"

Alena pursed her lips. How should she put it? "True, I've always wanted a baby. But I think this will work out best for everyone. And I am about to finish school. Good time to start again, don't you think?"

"And Candy?" Emile still could not see where she was going. He never imagined Alena would change her mind, without him helping her in the process.

"I have a plan." Alena relaxed a little and put on a small grin, "You know, I can control my schedule if I am the boss. I can start my own company? " She said that like a question.

"Your company?" Emile chuckled, "what kind of company?"

"THAT! I have not figured out yet." Alena said in a defeated tone and dropped herself backwards on the bed.

"You are interested in the Health club?" Emile exclaimed as his made the connection of what she just said and the pile of document sitting on the bed.

"Not that I was thinking about it, but I don't know, maybe?" Alena replied, looking up at the ceiling lamp, unsure of what she wanted to do.

"With the German boys? I thought they are exchange students." Emile rested on his elbow as he lied on the bed along side with Alena.

"No, not the German boys. It's the Canadian one." Alena turned her head and look at Emile with a mischievous grin, "what? Are you worried?"

"Worried about what?" Emile replied as nonchalantly as he could, while purposely letting an ounce of jealousy drip in his voice. Of course he was not worried. He trusted Alena one hundred and ten percent. But he wanted to make Alena thinking he was jealous, this would make her happy. Women's psychology was quite complex. Making her believe that he was jealous with this guy, would warm her heart, believing how possessively in love he was with her. This charade sure was fun for him.

"You don't need to worry anything. You know I am not attracted to muscular guys." She said as she traced his jaw line with her lips, "If I was, I would have fallen for that jock in year one." She sure had fallen into his trick.

"You remember him?" Emile was once again distracted by her kiss and forgot about his charade. His heart began pounding fast in his chest.

"How could I not?" She giggled. "You purposely dragged me to the cafeteria and showed off in front of him after our first kiss, not that he knew."

"Yeah, showing everyone that you are mine." He reached over and pulled her close to him. His lips urgently sought her and tasted the hot chocolate in her mouth, "you taste like chocolate, you know? And you sure are mine tonight." He pressed his lips onto hers again with so much passion.

Tonight, they did not discuss any more on what company Alena should start. Instead, they spent the whole night distracting each other from the agonizing reality, and plunging in their love.