CHAPTER 7

Alena was shocked with the news that she found herself trembling. She held Mark's arm tightly so that he would not collapse in her arms. She tried to utter a word of comfort but nothing came out. What ran through her minds was the dying image of her own father years ago. The once rounded belly man rapidly withered as cancer engulfed his whole body, and became a man with only skin over bones. She shook her head, trying to shake off that image from her head.

"Dad, are you sure? Come in and sit down first." Alena finally managed to whisper these words. She grabbed Mark's shoulder with both of her arms, and guided him to the sofa in the living room. Mark sat down and wept silently. Candy was so scared seeing her grandparents crying. She ran to Alena, hugging her leg tightly as if she was her source of security. Her eyes were wide and fear was written all over her face. Alena held her in her arms, sat her on her laps and kissed on her cheeks. "It's alright. Mama's here." Alena whispered to Candy, assuring her the comfort she sought.

Emile was so shocked with the news that his face went pale. His heart began to race. "Not possible. He could never have lung cancer. He never smoked a cigarette in his entire life." Emile quietly thought. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his heart. He gently patted on Rhonda's back, who was gasping for air in between her sobs.

"It's alright mom. Don't worry. It must be a mistake." Emile whispered in Rhonda's ear. He needed these words to be true. Saying them out helped to lessen his panic. Rhonda looked up to him and shook her head. She tried to speak but failed. No words could come out now, she could only sob. Emile hugged Rhonda tightly as if to assure her that everything would be alright. He guided Rhonda to the living room and sat her on the sofa.

"Dad, what happened? What makes you think you have stage-3 lung cancer? " Emile walked to Mark and sat beside him. Mark's weeping was now slowing down. Seeing that Candy was so frightened on Alena's lap, Mark tried hard to compose himself. He did not want Candy to see him like this.

Alena quietly waited for Mark's response to Emile's question. It was a good question. Why would Mark think that he had cancer? She bit her lips and absent-mindedly stroked Candy's hair. She wished too that was a mistake. However, she had seen cancer in full action with her own father. It took his life within a month of diagnosis. This time, she would not get her hopes too high. She quietly prayed that God could lead them through this very horrific journey, if it were due to come.

Mark took off his glasses, reached for his handkerchief in the pocket and wiped his tears. "I went to see Dr. Stewart today", he paused, "to go over... the annual check report", he continued. "He saw... a shadow... in my... right lung. It's about... the size of a... tennis ball." His tears began to flow again as he recalled the conversation he had with the doctor. "There is... also a shadow... at my right hip... as big as... a golf ball." He finally finished what he needed to say. He wiped his tears again with his handkerchief.

Candy snuggled closer to Alena. She had never seen Mark in such a condition. She whispered to Alena, "Mama? Grandpa okay?"

"He is just a bit sad, sweetie. You want to go and finish the hamburger?" Alena quietly asked. Alena definitely wanted to spare Candy from this traumatic episode. Candy nodded as Alena quietly carried her back to the kitchen and watched her eating the meal.

Emile watched Candy tenderly and nodded to Alena as she passed by, agreed that Candy did not need to witness such an event. He looked back to his father, waiting for more details to come. But as soon as he realized Mark had nothing more to say, he huffed out a small breath and asked, "so did Dr. Stewart tell you that you have cancer?" Emile narrowed his eyes and looked attentively to his father. Though he now knew that Mark was definitely having health problems, he did not want to jump to the cancer conclusion so quickly. In the back of his mind, Mark and lung cancer just did not belong together.

"He said...I need to see...an oncologist," Mark sighed loudly as he continued to hold back his tears, "and...if those are...really cancer...tumors, it will be...stage 3....they are so big...and widely spread"

"So he did not say for sure you have cancer. He just said they could be?" Emile could not help but pressed his point. He needed to hang onto any thread of hopes no matter how thin that thread was. "When are you seeing the oncologist?"

"After the New Year, on the 12th." Mark shook his head as he replied to Emile. He wished he could be as calm and optimistic as Emile. But he just was not sure if luck was by his side this time.

"Dad, don't give up just yet." Emile noticed Mark's defeated look. "This is only the beginning..." He was about to say that God could heal him, but he held back his tongue as he bordered between being hopeful and having false hope. After all, he was no spoke person of the Lord. Instead of saying another word, he wrapped Mark's shoulder with both of his arms and hugged him tightly, showing his support in a physical way.

"I will go with you to the oncologist." Emile told Mark and Rhonda as he released Mark from the embrace.

Rhonda's was still trembling and gasping for air as her sob slowed down. She nodded to Emile and acknowledged his offer to be there with them.

Emile stood up and walked towards Rhonda, hugged her tightly and said, "it's alright mom. Trust the Lord. He will show us the way." Rhonda shook her head and sobbed quietly. She lost her hope already. She could not bear the thought of losing Mark, her one love in life.

"Let's have lunch. I am sure we can share." Emile tried to lighten up the mood as he ushered them into the kitchen. He wrapped one of his arms around Rhonda' shoulder, while he patted lightly on Mark's back with the other hand.

None of them had ever had such a quiet lunch. Even Candy ate quietly and would only whisper to Alena occasionally. No one was really into conversations, except for some quiet exchange of unimportant chit-chat. Alena did not quite catch what Mark said after she left the living room with Candy. She did not want to ask further questions during lunch. Stirring up the atmosphere was the last thing she would do. She hurried Candy to finish the meal and took her upstairs for a nap. She helped changing Candy into her day clothes and tugged her in. She kissed her on her forehead as usual. But Candy was more clingy than usual. She tugged at Alena's shirt.

"Mama, nap with Candy," she looked up to Alena from her toddler bed, pleading for her company.

"Okay, mama sleeps here then." She grabbed the sleeping bag from under Candy's bed and rolled it open on the floor. She had always kept it there just in case she needed to look after Candy when she got sick. She snuggled herself inside the sleeping bag, waiting for Candy to fall asleep.

Candy was more restless than usual. She was still very frightened by what happened. It took her a rather long time before she finally fell asleep. Alena quietly climbed out the sleeping bag, snuck out of the room and went back to the kitchen. As she returned to the kitchen, Mark and Rhonda had already left the house, probably returned to their own residence.

Alena found Emile working in the study. She quietly walked to him, trying to figure out how he was doing. She thought he would not be feeling good, probably would be very concerned, if not worried about Mark.

"Are you alright?" Alena asked him softly, not wanting to startle him from his thoughts.

"Yes. I need to finish up the presentation slides for Ryan this afternoon. He is expecting it in an hour. I also need to tell Marcus that Conrad resigned." Emile replied without breaking eye contact from the screen, and his fingers were flying on the keyboard.

"Don't you want to talk? What did Dr. Stewart say?" Alena felt a bit strange with Emile's reply. She was worrying sick about him, not sure how he was handling such bad news, but his answer was about work.

"Not much. He scheduled an appointment with the oncologist on January 12th," Emile's reply was brief and to the point. His body language suggested that he did not want to be disturbed.

"I will make you some ginseng tea then." Alena picked up Emile's cue and walked out of the study. She quietly soaked the dried ginseng chunks in a cup of boiling water and pressed them lightly with a spoon, squeezing the flavour into the hot water. She brought the tea back to Emile and then left the room, leaving Emile to his work.

She could only guess that Emile might want some quiet time at the moment. Perhaps to think through the situation or as he said, needed to finish up some work.

She kept herself busy with all the mundane house chores while Emile worked in the study. She changed the bed sheets and mopped the hardwood floor. Just when she was done, Candy woke up from her nap. She woke up crying which was kind of rare at this age. Candy skipped up the stairs and went to Candy's room.

"Yes, Candy. Mama's here." Alena gave Candy a hug and talked to her sweetly.

Candy sobbed a little and then calmed down. Alena's presence made a huge difference to her. Alena was her refuge.

"Why are you so sad, Candy? Had a bad dream?" Alena asked Candy softly.

"Candy sleeping, mama gone." Candy seemed to be bothered by not waking with Alena in the sleeping bag.

"Mama was just downstairs. Come, let's have a snack." Alena lifted Candy from her bed and carried her down the stairs to the playroom.

Emile was still busily working in the study. He had not uttered a single word since Alena gave him the ginseng tea. His silence made Alena felt very alienated. She felt that he had erected a wall around him, not wanting to share his feelings with anyone. Alena could only hope that he would eventually open up after he had digested all information, sorted out his own emotions. He always had and he always would. But when he would open up, only he knew his timetable.

The rest of the day went by slowly and Candy was exceptionally attached. She was at Alena's heels all the time. Having seen her grandparents cried earlier, she appeared to be very unsettled. She demanded Alena's attention the entire afternoon, giving her hardly any time to finish the other house chores. Dared not to disturb Emile, Alena could only suck it up and played along with Candy, while her heart worried sick about Emile, Mark and Rhonda. By the time she hit the bed at night, she was totally exhausted.

After she took a hot shower, she lied on the bed, stared at the ceiling, and imagined what would happen next. She had been through a cancer journey with her father years ago, though it was short, the wounds were still fresh. She had seen the worst, and therefore, expecting the worst. She had no doubt that God had the power to heal, only if that was His plan. She closed her eyes and mediated on the special spiritual journey which she and her dad had gone through together during his final days. She felt a pang of pain at her chest to realize how much she missed her own father. But she found comfort knowing that they would meet again over the rainbow some day.

Emile walked into the bedroom quietly. He appeared to be normal as if nothing had happened. He went into the walk-in closet and grabbed his night clothes and marched into the ensuite bathroom for a shower. Alena quietly waited for him while she turned on the TV set in the bedroom and mindlessly flipping through the channels. She found nothing of interests. She switched off the TV as soon as Emile walked out from the bathroom. She sat up and leaned on the headboard, watching him as he climbed up the bed.

"You are awfully quiet today." Alena said softly, as she snuggled herself to his chest.

"Hmm." Emile reached for her hand and laced his fingers with hers.

"How are you feeling?" Alena looked up to him, hoping she could decipher what was running in his mind.

"So what now? You want me to share my feelings?" Emile chuckled at the thought of sharing his feelings. This was one of the girlie things that Alena still could not shake off after all these years. He could not comprehend why women always wanted to talk about feelings?

"Okay. Just tell me what you are thinking then? Are you worried about your father?" Alena decided to be straight to the point. Emile was always bothered by being asked to share his feelings. It seemed like that men did need some coaching to spill their emotions.

"I think he will be okay, "Emile sighed a little, as he put his thoughts together. "I believe it must be a mistake. He never smokes, always eats a healthy diet and exercises regularly. Even if it were really cancer, he can have a lung transplant and all sorts of treatments."

"So you are not worried?" Alena was surprised that Emile was so calm in dealing with the news.

"I do. But only a little bit. I know there is always a chance that he really has cancer and his days are numbered, but I'm not going to worry over something that's not confirmed." Emile concluded his thoughts. "Come on, let's sleep, I know you are exhausted. Candy must have tired you out." He released her hand from his and pulled the duvet over their bodies.

"I hope she won't have nightmares tonight. She sure was frightened today." Alena shifted herself back to her side of the bed and tugged the duvet just under her chin. She closed her eyes and yawned. Minutes later, they were both asleep.

The festive spirit had lost its flair in their residence this year. For Candy's sake, they still did the drill, put up the Christmas tree and decorations, invited friends and families over for a few Christmas gatherings. Though Emile and Alena enjoyed the company of their friends and shared the joy of Christmas, the "storm" in their lives appeared to be forming on its own. At the back of their minds, Mark's health was like a timed bomb and no one knew when it would explode. Could they weather this upcoming storm? No one knew.

The New Year came and gone. Everything went by so quickly, it was not long when Emile and Candy settled back to their daily routines of work and school. Emile's was very busy at work. With Conrad's departure, Emile had to fill in his role before a replacement was assigned. To Ryan and Marcus, though it was a pain to lose Conrad, the pain could only be short lived. In their minds, anyone could be replaced.

In a blinked of an eye, January 12th came. It was a snowy morning. The sky was gray and everything looked so lifeless. The drive to the hospital was quiet. No one spoke a word. It was obvious that everyone was nervous, very nervous indeed, especially Mark and Rhonda. Emile found a spot in the parking lot. He pulled into the spot and put the car into the park position. He got off the car and opened the door for his parents. Mark took a deep breath before getting out of the car. He felt like he was about to face a life sentence. His hands trembled slightly when Emile grabbed hold of his hands, which did not escape from Emile's notice. Then Emile helped Rhonda getting out of the car. Her face was pale and the dark circles under her eyes would not go unnoticed. Since learning about the news weeks ago, she did not sleep much.

They walked into the hospital and soon found themselves inside the oncologist's office. They introduced themselves. Her name was Dr. Chan, a Chinese oncologist. Mark and Rhonda relaxed a little when they found out that Dr. Chan spoke Chinese. Although Mark and Rhonda could get by with their spoken English, being able to communicate freely in their mother tongue brought them comforts. As soon as they sat comfortably in the room, Dr. Chan put up an x-ray on the light box and began discussing Mark's current health condition.

"May I call you Emile?" Dr. Chan addressed to Emile politely.

"Sure." Emile replied with a nod.

"Emile, as you can see here, the tumor is about the size of a tennis ball in the right lung. This was the culprit for his coughing problem in the last couple of months. We definitely need to shun its growth, or else Mark will have breathing problems as it enlarges." Dr. Chan then put up another x-ray and continued on her explanation. "Here is the tumor in his hip joint. You see, it is already as big as a golf ball. This is what causes the pain in the hip area."

"But you don't know it is cancer though, do you?" This line had been forming under his throat since Mark first told him about the news. He needed to hear first hand from the doctor, "don't you need a biopsy?" Drawing from his experience with Alena's dad many years ago, he knew that the oncologist needed to take some sample cells from the tumors so as to confirm if it was indeed cancer.

"Of course we need to have a biopsy. But I can tell from my experience that these are very likely to be cancer and they must have spread. From the blood results and the fact that there are two large tumors found so far apart in his body, the most possible explanation is that the cancer cells were spread through the blood stream." Dr. Chan tried to explain the situation as compassionate as she could. She knew how hard it was for all of them to face the truth.

Emile's face was now completely white. "There is still a chance, there is still a chance..." he chanted to himself in his head, hanging onto the very thin thread of hope that it was a mistake. Mark and Rhonda sniffed quietly and that was when Emile realized tears were streaming down their faces. Emile reached to his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief for Rhonda.

"So if they were indeed cancer, I would assume radiation and chemotherapy would be the next step?" Emile sounded as if he was asking questions from an invisible list. Of course, he had been doing a ton of research on lung cancer on the internet in the last few weeks, whenever he could spare a few moments from his hectic schedule.

"Yes, indeed. We need to shun its growth as soon as possible. Otherwise, if it continues to spread to the left side, his breathing will become difficult." The doctor continued to explain as she put back the x-ray of the lung back to the light box and pointed to the dark shadow on the x-ray. Mark was totally defeated by now. His hands were resting on his knees and his eyes lowered, looking at his shoes. His eyes were blurred by the tears. He had now been sentenced to death.

Dr. Chan looked at him tenderly, took a breath and continued on, "Dr. Stewart had also discussed with me that you have experienced some dizziness lately..."

"What? You were feeling dizzy, dad? Why didn't you tell me?" Emile cut her off and looked at Mark, totally shocked by the news.

"I didn't think it was related." Mark looked at Emile, confused why he snapped at him.

"It means there could be another tumor in your brain, you know?" Emile wanted to shout at Mark for not telling him everything, but he tried hard to strain his temper as he was about to breakdown. He learnt all these from his recent research. It has spread. It really has spread.

"Emile, calm down." Dr. Chan patted on Emile's lap, gesturing to him that his father was very vulnerable right now.

"You are right. There could be another tumor in his brain, causing the dizziness. That's why I have scheduled him an MRI scan next Friday." She watched as Emile took in a deep breath, taking in all the news.

"The biopsy is scheduled on the Monday following. All results should be back three days after." Dr. Chan continued to explain what the next few steps were.

"Let's assume he really has cancer, what about a lung transplant or removal?" Emile asked quietly as he closed his eyes. He knew what the answer would be, but still wanted to hear the answer as he finished off his invisible list of questions.

"First of all, lung transplant is such a rare operation and the recovery rate is very low." Dr. Chan replied patiently, helping Emile to get out of this denial. "Secondly, if it's cancer, any surgical removal of the tumors would be of little use as it's already spread throughout his body. You understand what I am saying?" She finished off with a concerned look at Emile.

By now, Rhonda could not help but burst into a loud sob. Though Dr. Chan and Emile communicated mostly in English, but the few Chinese keywords gave her a very good idea how severe the sickness was.

Emile went over to her and hugged her tightly. He figured it would be best to take them home now. They needed to get out quickly before they completely broke down.

"Thank you for your time, Dr. Chan. I will see you next Friday." Emile stood up, still hugging Rhonda.

"Please go to the reception to get the day surgery kit for next Friday. It has all the information about the procedure and how you should prepare for it. I will see you next Friday then." Dr. Chan led them out of the office and dropped them off at the reception.

The drive back to Mark's and Rhonda's house was not as quiet. Mostly it was Rhonda who was crying. Emile could not say "it's alright" anymore. Those words would not come out of his mouth no matter how hard he wanted to comfort Rhonda. He had no choice but to face this uphill battle. The biopsy and MRI scheduled next week were more a technical formality. Having done so much research on the subject, he knew cancer was eating Mark's life.

After he dropped them off at their house, he went back to the office. It was already lunch time. People were flooding out of the office, heading out for lunch. Emile had absolutely no appetite to eat anything. So he went to the deli shop at the lobby and grabbed a bagel. He then went back to his own office and buried himself in work. Perhaps he was trying to catch up with his duties since he was absent in the morning, or maybe he was only trying to numb the urge to cry his eyes out. His dad had terminal cancer. He had to come to terms with it. Although he had no clue how it happened, he needed to deal with it.

"Hey Emile, glad to see you here. Can you please look at this project plan? Conrad did the planning before Christmas." Mason walked into his office, with a copy the gantt charts, just as Emile finished off his bagel. "I need to go over the team assignment with you so the guys can get started on the new project." Mason was now sharing some of the responsibilities with Emile to fill Conrad's role.

"Sure, just shut the door behind you and go over it now." Emile pointed at the door, signalling to have it close. He continued on his work with Mason, just like any other day.

He left the office shortly after he finished off the meeting with Mason. By the time he got home, it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. Though he left very early from the office, he felt it had been an extremely long day. As he entered the kitchen, he found Alena busily putting back the dishes into the cupboards from the dish washer, while Candy was watching her favourite cartoon in the play room. They were both oblivious about Emile's return.

"I'm back." Emile said softly as he laid his hand on Alena's back.

"Oh," startled by his touch, Alena almost dropped the dish in her hands. She whirled around and caught herself against Emile's chest. Still having the dish in her hands, she looked at Emile with worries all over her face.

"Papa, you're back." Candy finally noticed Emile had returned from work. "Come watch Dora with me." She was still enjoying the cartoon. Her eyes quickly returned to the TV as the cartoon characters began to sing.

"In a minute, sweetie." It was Alena who replied. "How did it go this morning?"

Emile lowered his head to break the eye contact. He muttered something under his breath, "its cancer." Alena would not have caught it if she was not so close to him. She reached her hand to his cheeks as she noticed the redness inside the brim of his eyes. She saw the pain inside him. It was killing him, but yet he would never tell anyone about it.

Emile moved away a little, trying to steady himself. He leaned by the kitchen counter, face all white.

"Are you alright?" Alena moved closer. Emile sure looked ill right now.

"I am just a little light headed. Can I have some water?" Emile asked weakly as he massaged his forehead.

"What did you have for lunch?" Alena poured some water and handed it to him.

"Just a bagel. I didn't feel like eating." He drank the water but there was a tingling sensation going on at his finger tips. "I guess I am just a bit low in sugar." He walked to the breakfast table, pulled out a chair and sat down.

Alena quickly opened the pantry and grabbed some chocolate. It was just a few thin slices of milk chocolate. She unwrapped the chocolate and put it beside Emile's lips, "here take this. It's a quick sugar boost."

Emile took the first one and then unwrapped the other ones. He slowly finished them and within minutes, he felt better.

"Why don't you go take a shower and rest a little? I will get you when dinner is ready." Alena quietly suggested.

With a nod, Emile rose and walked up the stairs. As he disappeared behind the bedroom doors, Alena's heart ached to see him in such pain and despair. She vowed that she would be just like the thin slices of milk chocolate to Emile in this battle. Although they were small and insignificant as a meal, they gave him the extra doses of energy to keep going. So she would shower him with doses of love, support and care, whenever and wherever he needed her.