Disclaimer: Mia is my only weapon on this adventure.

Warning: Language. PO'd shinobi.

Beta: Lavendor Queen

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I continued to laugh, slowly sinking down to the ground and curling up. I pressed my forehead against my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, as I silently shook.

On the bright side, I'm not lost anymore.

On the downside, I'm not near a village for a couple days walk.

Even more on the downside, I have no money, transportation, no allies in this land, no way to send a message whatsoever to the others.

Indefinitely on the downside, the Land of Spring is a damn island a week or so journey via ship from the elemental nations.

I blew out my lips, finally having stopped laughing. I rubbed my face and laid back in the grass, staring up at the sky.

How in the hell am I going to afford a ship back home? I can't even afford a messenger hawk. Then again... I just need to afford a messenger hawk, send a message to Konoha and Tobi'll come for me. But how can I do that? Offer to work? In torn, soaking wet pajamas? I can't even steal anything! I'm not a kunoichi - I'd get caught instantly and locked up. Feh.

"Oooooh, fuck my life," I sighed, rolling over on the grass, reaching over and plucking another edible flower. Chewing on it, I considered my options.

They're bound to check out this land eventually, I thought slowly, but then again, who knows how long that'll take? Wait. Didn't Naruto - my son - rescue the princess? Maybe if I could get an audience with her, explain everything, she'll sent a messenger hawk to Konoha for me. That could probably work... let's see... what do I remember from the geography lessons at the academy? Yuki would live in the capital, and I don't think they changed the capital when it switched from Snow to Spring, so that'll be... roughly half a week walk from here as a civilian? That sounds about right.

I rubbed my eyes. At least I have a plan now... ah... I'm tired. Now that I'm in a relatively safe place, and I won't be catching hyperthermia anymore... I guess I could try and catch up on my sleep...

With a great, big yawn, I rolled over on my other side, closed my eyes and slept.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

A poke awoke me. Blinking my eyes open, I blearily stared up at my poker.

I gasped, sitting up straight and staring in disbelief. "X?!"

X tilted his head to the side, squatting down next to me. He lifted one of his hands lazily and wiggled his fingers at me. "There's my favorite ass. Although, now I can't see it with you sitting on it..."

I stared at him in mild disbelief for another moment. "... Did you kidnap me?"

X stared at me a moment. "... Is that why you were here? You were kidnapped again and you managed to escape?"

"I... I don't entirely know," I confessed. "One moment I was sleeping in my bed, the next I'm dumped out... there."

Gesturing in the direction of the frozen hell, I gave a sigh.

"Wow, seriously? That explains why you're such a mess. How did you survive it in there anyway? Assuming you only had what you currently have now, and that you don't have chakra...?"

"I was able to warm up a bit at a time using nature chakra before I had to carry on," I explained quietly.

"So you walked a bit, freezing, stopped and warmed up, then repeated? That had to have been hell."

I shrugged, not disagreeing.

X tilted his head. "... I think it's safe to say you were kidnapped."

"And left for dead," I muttered. "I can't decide if my kidnapee wanted me to die, or if something went wrong in the kidnapping."

"Depends. Are you staying near here?"

"No. I was in the Land of Iron."

X stared at me.

"I'm not joking."

"I believe you. I just... I haven't met someone that could teleport that far, except for myself."

"You can teleport?" I asked, blinking in surprise.

"How else do you think I constantly escape?" X retorted. "Of course I can."

"... I don't suppose you'd be willing to take me back to Konohagakure?"

"No can do, sweetheart. I have business here and such a long distance teleportation would leave me drained for days. I have to take care of this, first. Then, maybe I might consider giving you a lift back home. So long as - this is why I approached you in the first place - you help me."

I stared at him. "... I'm not really in the best condition to help."

"I wasn't done. I can also provide you with clothes, food, water and shelter until I'm finished."

"... What do I have to do?"

"Help me steal a few things, of course," X said brightly. "You know you want to. Come to the dark side of the law, that's where all the hotties are."

"While I won't entirely deny that..." I trailed off. "... I have always wanted to the bad-guy at least once in my life. Not the gray bad-guys, but the legitimate evil-laughing kind."

"I don't actually have an evil laugh."

"Hush. Yes you do."

"No, I - "

I patted his shoulder. "It's okay if you're too shy to admit it. Anyway. What I'm saying is, yes. I'd be delighted to help. And I'm not just saying that because you're kind of my only hope for getting home in any reasonable time and in fairly good condition."

X chuckled. "Alright. Here's why I need your help - the women I'm targeting keeps her items in a very secure vault. The problem is, while the vault's security features are activated, no one and nothing that holds chakra may enter. That's how it works - it senses the chakra that emits from everything entering it. If it finds even an iota of chakra emitting from the object, it goes into a fail-safe and destroys everything inside."

"Destroys?" I echoed, blinking in surprise.

X nodded his head. "Well, most of the items inside are too dangerous to allow into the wrong hands, if you know what I mean."

My lips quirked. "A vaulted filled with epic weapons? Sounds delicious. Just who keeps all these items anyway?"

"Her name is Numi Sayako. She's one of those historian collectors and evaluators. People send their artifacts they stumble upon either through heritage or raiding, and she evaluates it - sees if it's official - and measures just what it does. As in, she finds out what the hell it's for, and all the interesting little things about it. She's a reputable kunoichi, remaining neutral with all her clients and purely professional."

"You've done your research," I observed.

"Of course I have. I'm a professional."

I smiled at that. "Alright... so I guess I enter the vault somehow, and then what?"

"The seals around the vault don't measure the chakra inside the vault - this is because some of her items are rather erratic with their chakra."

"And all these people who loan their things to her are perfectly okay with the risk of having them destroyed?"

"It's more or less a deterrent. Unless someone insanely stupid was trying to destroy rare and precious artifacts, there's no actual risk of being destroyed. I mean... it's not like there are actual people that have no chakra... well. At least, there weren't supposed to be anyone," X chuckled, and I could practically see him smirking.

Nodding my head, I opened my mouth to question the situation more, but my stomach snarled. Sheepishly, I ducked my head.

"Hmm. I suppose we better get you taken care of first, though, huh?"

"Yes, please."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

It had taken several hours to reach the nearest village, traveling shinobi-style. It took ten minutes for X to have me in his checked out room, and a spread of food and water laid out before me. X had stepped out, saying something about getting me a change of clothes. Not that I cared. I had food!

I had wolfed down half of the buffet when he returned, carrying a couple bags that he dumped on the bed.

Swallowing another mouthful of delicious meat, I said, "So how am I supposed to get into the vault anyway?"

"I've scheduled a meeting with Sayako tomorrow to discuss with her about a new artifact I've... found. You'll accompany me as my wife, and excuse yourself to the bathroom. I've drawn a layout of her estate, as well as found the perfect route for you to take given the specific time you will need to leave."

"What about guards?" I asked, my brow furrowed.

X snorted. "That's the idiocy of having a supposedly 'perfect' security. It gives them a false sense of security, and they become over-confident. I've seen plenty of wealthy merchants rely so heavily on their 'guards' that they forget to do the simplest things - locking their doors and windows for instance. Even forgetting to place silencing seals to prevent others from eavesdropping..."

Frowning, I thought carefully about that. I suppose it was true. When I thought about it, I actually didn't bother to lock my door all that often - and I definitely didn't bother to lock my window. Why bother, right? I figured with having two of Konoha's strongest shinobi living with me - and Tobi (along with many other shinobi and kunoichi) consistently dropping by that no one would be so stupid as to bother. Not to mention I lived in Konoha. A place so damn secure that kids could run about and parents wouldn't need to actually worry.

I guess if you were some hot-shot shinobi or kunoichi, you'd figure that you were good enough to not need security in the first place. And if you actually had a damn good security (like Sayako's, for instance), you easily could be lulled into a false sense of security.

"So," X continued pointedly, "she will have no guards."

"... Anyway, why don't you just deactivate the seals?" I inquired.

"I can't," X said simply. "Deactivating the seals without Sayako's and one of the owners of the items inside explicit permission results in termination of everything inside. And I do mean explicit - the activation and de-activation seal measures the actual will of the users. Complex stuff."

"Yet you were able to recognize it," I said, impressed.

"Of course I was. I am a fuinjutsu master."

"You are?"

"All the great ones are, so of course I am," X dismissed. "Now hurry up and finish eating. Our appointment is tomorrow and you need to memorize the layout, as well as know how to enter the vault - and you need a shower before I even consider sitting down with you for a long period of time to help you memorize."

"I understand," I said, nodding my head. "There's just one tiny-itty-bitty thing."

X sat down next to me on the bed, cocking his head to imply that he was listening.

"Isn't it just a little strange how I've suddenly and magically appeared in the very same land that you needed me in?" I asked slowly, smiling politely and raising an eyebrow.

Perhaps I was just being cynical or overly-cautious, but I didn't think I was. I knew from experience that X wasn't the killing sort - I've reviewed his rap-sheet many times with Tobi. He never killed someone unless absolutely necessary, or unless he was hired (expensively, Tobi would emphasize) to kill them. When that happened, though, he always made it happen in some theatrical way, and he never played around with his target aside from that. The fact that he approached me in the first place, offering me food, water, shelter and requested my assistance gave me a clear sign that he wasn't out to harm me.

That didn't mean he wasn't the one who kidnapped me in the first place, though.

The fact that he admitted that he could teleport, too, also had me believing it was him. And that he said he would be 'drained' for days afterwards - perhaps that was why he left me. He needed time to recover, or else he was afraid that I would somehow overpower him or something equally ridiculous.

X stared at me in silence.

"Alright, so I was going to kidnap you," X admitted. "But someone beat me to it."

"And you expect me to believe that... why?"

"Because if I kidnapped you, I wouldn't have done it in the middle of the night. I would have done it in broad daylight. Preferably right in front of Tobi to rub it in his face that I did actually kidnap you. Again."

Snickering, I shook my head. "Okay, well, that does sound like you..."

"And I wouldn't have flunked my teleportation like that loser did," X said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Wait, what?"

"Whoever kidnapped you is obviously an ameteur," X snorted. "When I caught wind of you leaving Konoha, I knew my chance would be available. I knew Tobi wouldn't be far behind you, and I had to finish this job before the week was up, so I had a very specific time frame. I reached the fortress before your team even made it, bribed one of the maids to show me which room you would be using, and placed disrupting seals all over it."

"Dis... rupting...?" I asked hesitantly. While I had been studying seals under Jiraiya, and I was fairly good at it, there were some spots in my knowledge.

X held up his left hand, flipping it over so the back of his hand faced me. I stared at his black gloved hand, and frowned when he peeled back a bit of cloth from it. The cloth was hiding an intricate design of seals.

I whistled lowly. "Impressive."

"A disrupting seal temporarily disrupts all chakra within a small range for ten seconds. If someone is in the middle of casting a jutsu, the jutsu can either be overwritten by the seal-master, or completely canceled. I figured Tobi would be using his teleportation jutsu, so I specially rewrote the seal to change the direction of the jutsu, and canceled the originator."

"The... direction?"

"Correct," X said, nodding his head. "Ingenious, isn't it? I knew the moment I revealed myself to Tobi, he would try to get you out of there - he would probably take you to Konoha, but I needed you in the Land of Spring, so I had the seal change the direction of the jutsu to the Land of Spring. Granted, I couldn't give it an exact location - just a general area. The second part of the seal would prevent the caster of the jutsu in completing it for themselves - they wouldn't teleport, but you still would. If Tobi had been taking you away, he would have instantly recognized what was happening and stop the jutsu - and so neither of you would have teleported. In that instant, I would have grabbed you and teleported you. The seal I have drawn on this glove is what prevents me from being influenced by my own disrupting seal."

"Wait, how would Tobi have known? And what do you mean stopped? Stopped the jutsu? The sealing...?"

"When you're an experienced teleporter, you just know how it's supposed to feel," X said simply. "Tobi would have felt you being teleported away from him by his own jutsu and stopped instantly using the jutsu. If Tobi stopped using the jutsu, the seal would be null and void and neither of you would be teleported."

I shook my head. "But you said it canceled for him, anyway. So what's the difference between the disruption-seal canceling his teleportation, and him canceling his own teleportation?"

"Will and intent," X said, as if that explained everything.

I stared at him.

X sighed. "Like the vault, this seal measures will and intent. If Tobi intends to cancel the jutsu, it stops. If he didn't intend to, the seal continues."

"The physics in this world are just... so... fucked up," I muttered in English.

"... What did you say?" X asked, confused.

"Nothing," I dismissed. "Okay. So how did the kidnapper screw up?"

"He obviously didn't recognize something was going on. Not to mention he's clearly a fresh shinobi - he actually tripped my seals that I placed in your room, causing the disruption. I didn't even realize you were gone until I came by to check on you around midnight."

"He tripped the seals? How?"

"I had them set to begin going off when a nearby teleportation jutsu was used," X said. "I wasn't planning on Tobi kidnapping you off your own mission before I even revealed myself."

I frowned. "... Okay, so my kidnapper tripped the seals, and instead of realizing what's wrong, he continues on. Instead of taking me where he intended, the seals divert the jutsu to take me in this land - where it was just a general area, and not a pinpoint location. And being unlucky me, I landed in the one part of the Land of Spring that would forever remain the Land of Snow."

"Sounds about right," X said, nodding. "I definitely wasn't planning on Tobi completing the jutsu and having you teleport to the Land of Spring via seals, and I am sorry you had to go through that. The moment I realized what had happened, I teleported immediately to the Land of Spring. I was out of commission for a couple days, though, so I wasn't able to really look for you until this morning. Thankfully, it seems, that my desire to sight-see the famous stones was just what we needed."

"Thankfully I was too tired to carry on, though I guess you would have probably noticed me on the roads," I said.

X nodded again. "I knew you were smart enough to stick to the roads - regardless of what Tobi or the others taught you, you would have essentially been dumped in a strange land with only the clothes on your back. The smart choice would be to stay near the path as soon as you found one, and I had faith you would."

"Thanks for the vote of faith. Not cool that you kidnapped me. I would have probably helped you regardless that you didn't need to resort such measures. Thanks for indirectly saving me from another kidnapper. At least with the seals, I was placed in an environment I could potentially survive, whereas with a kidnapper, I would be in their environment on their terms, something I probably couldn't survive. Especially considering I have no fucking clue who would want to kidnap me, except you."

"Glad I could be assistance," X said brightly. "But I am still a bit sorry for the whole... you know."

"I get it. And seeing how you've given me food, water, and are currently offering a hot shower, I can't say I'm mad at the moment. I'm sure I'll be mad later, but at the moment I'm just really relieved."

"Then I'll take this time that you're not angry, and use it to begin thinking of my persuasive argument to keep you not angry."

"Chocolate works best."

"I'll keep that in mind."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I stayed under the hot water, even after I finished washing. My entire body ached, and even though I told X I wasn't mad, that wasn't entirely truthful. Part of me was very grateful for his timely intervention, both in finding me and indirectly preventing the kidnapping. However, I was still a little peeved at the general idea of being taken against my will, it brought back memories of the Chunin Exams and I didn't appreciate it. However the part of me that was upset, was largely ignored in favor of staying optimistic. It would do no good to allow a sour mood to take me in this situation. If I managed to push X's patience too far due to my spite, it could end badly for me and at the moment, I couldn't risk it.

Besides, part of me was a little thrilled. Maybe being around the Akatsuki (and just crazy people in general) had rubbed off on me, but the thought of going on such an adventure was almost... appealing.

There was just something appealing in general for crossing the line. I would never be able to directly take someone's life, true, but that didn't mean I was entirely a goody-goody.

Not to mention... the things inside that vault could prove very interesting and the scientific side of me was dying to see them and try them out for myself. Why should one girl get all the fun toys to experiment on? Likewise, I bet several of my friends would love to get their hands on some of those goodies. Anko would be positively ecstatic if I found something pointy and dangerous enough, and Kisame would be very pleased if I found some lost legendary sword.

I stepped out of the shower, cutting off the water and beginning to dry myself. X had given me some rather nice robes to change into afterwards for the night. And after I was sufficiently dry, I changed into them.

Cuddling in the soft, fuzzy fabric and savoring the fact that I was warm, fed, and clean, I stepped back out into the room, yawning.

I stopped, staring at the single king-sized bed. "... Is that the only bed?"

"They didn't have any other rooms..."

I stared at it another moment before shrugging. "Whatever. I'm so sick of sleeping on the ground, and tired enough that I frankly don't give a shit who I share the the soft, warm bed with at the moment. Plus, I'm pretty sure you'll behave yourself."

"Please. I don't touch women who don't want to be touched."

"And I don't."

X seemed surprised. "... Really?"

"I'm kind of in love with someone else," I explained.

"Oh. Let me guess, Tobi?"

"Nailed it."

X nodded. "I guess I'm not so surprised, then. But, you know... if you ever get tired of him..."

"You'll be the first to know, X."

"Good. Now, let's see if you can memorize the layout, and then we'll get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow, after all... wifey."

"But, of course... hubby."

We both snickered.

"Ah... X? Before we get started... do you know how long I've technically been kidnapped?"

"Well, this will be the end of your fourth day, actually."

"Huh. Almost a week. Wonder how everyone else is doing..."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

(Evening, Day 1, Obito's POV)

Obito prowled through the halls of Danzō's home. He was ignored by the guards, not that it really made a difference. Anger churned in his stomach, and he had to consciously work not to lash out at the nearest thing. There was only one person Obito could think of that would benefit from Mia's permanent disappearance.

Obito phased through the door, and Danzō looked up from his tea.

"I was not expecting you, Madara-sama," Danzō said flatly.

Obito did not respond right away, instead he chose to walk around Danzō in a slow, almost lazy circle. He reeked of at ease, almost boredom, but there was an edge in his posture. Obito was like a cat circling its latest toy, and it was then that Danzō realized that this visit would not nearly be as pleasant as the ones before.

"... What happened?" Danzō finally asked, growing uneasy under in Obito's persisted silence.

"Someone has made a very stupid decision in kidnapping someone who works for me," Obito said, his voice silky smooth. "I don't suppose you would know anyone with a death wish?"

Danzō fell quiet for a moment, his eyes closed and head bowed. "... There have been rumors."

Obito cocked his head, showing he was listening.

"... I must emphasis on the unreliability on this information, Madara-sama," Danzō said slowly, opening his eye. "However, when Orochimaru... was taken care of... during the invasion of Konohagakure, and after Otogakure was dismantled... there had been rumors that there were, are, still some shinobi who remain loyal to the Sanin."

Silence fell in the room as Obito contemplated this new information. Orochimaru had never died so soon in Canon, and it was after the majority of his leading henchmen were taken care of. While the Akatsuki had certainly slaughtered those in Otogakure, as well as those in all the hideouts they found, they didn't find all of them. He knew there were still hideouts scattered across the land that he may very well never find. It wasn't of concern, though, because the main threat was taken care of.

Or at least what he believed to be the main threat. Mia did warn him about Kabuto, and while Obito assured her Kabuto was taken care of... that wasn't entirely the case.

She mentioned that Kabuto would be a willing ally in their cause, in their war... that he had single handedly perfected the Edo Tensei... the reanimation jutsu. Such a jutsu was a powerful asset in their war, and Obito wasn't one to nip the chance of a potential advantage in the war so quickly. So he left Kabuto alone, allowed him time to perfect his jutsu and wallow in his pathetic obsession. For years he had not heard of anything regarding him, but now...

"And these... shinobi," Obito said slowly, "for what purpose would they want with my subordinate?"

"I can only imagine," Danzō said, "that if these shinobi existed, they would want vengeance for their master. They are zealous... you know how Orochimaru was. He demanded to be treated above all else and brainwashed those under him to revere the ground he walked on. And with him, in their eyes, being murdered... it would almost seem like he became their martyr."

Obito stopped in his walking, stilling. "And the Akatsuki and Konoha were the ones who took him down... that's the public story, at least."

"Indeed."

So to strike at us... or maybe to just grab our attention... Obito trailed off, his eyes narrowing. For a moment he felt the pang of guilt. Because if it was who Obito thought it was, and he ignored Mia's direct warning and because of that she was... But now wasn't the time to give in to his guilt, so he shoved it aside. Now was the time, if anything, to direct his anger into finding these idiots. And when he did...

They're dead.

There was no vehemence in his thought. Just acceptance of the fact that yes, he would kill them.

As Obito turned to leave, a new plan forming in his mind, he said over his shoulder, casually, "Danzō, I don't think I need to spell out what happens if I think for a moment that you're leading me on..."

"Of course, Madara-sama," Danzō said, a bead of sweat falling down his brow.

Obito smiled behind his mask, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

(Night, Day 1, Naruto's POV)

"She's nowhere in the Land of Iron," Naruto finally bit out, frustration clear in his voice. "Where the hell could she be?"

"Calm down, Naruto, getting upset isn't going to do any good," Sakura advised, but her own tone betrayed her. "We need to stop looking aimlessly and think about this logically.

"Sakura's right," Kakashi said, his body and posture tense as he crouched on a tree branch above the others. "Maybe we're thinking about this all wrong. Maybe it's not Konoha or even the Akatsuki's enemy that kidnapped Mia. Maybe it's one of our enemies."

Naruto furrowed his brow.

"Not just an enemy that's targeting the entire group, or groups as a whole, but one specific member. I don't... I don't think I have any enemies, but Sasori..." Sakura trailed off. "The entire Akatsuki is comprised of missing-nin and Mia loves all of them and I know they're fond of her, too."

"I... I know I have made some enemies," Kakashi admitted carefully.

Naruto continued to frown. "... An enemy of one person...? There's an awful lot of women who don't really like Tou-san, but..." Naruto closed his eyes, thinking through every mission he had been on that could instigate some form of vengeance on him. "... The... Land of Snow shinobi? Maybe the mercenaries hired when we had to protect the prince on Crescent Moon Island?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I wouldn't think so..."

"What if Mia wasn't the target?" Yamato suggested. "Maybe she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"I don't know..." Sakura sighed. "I kind of think it's targeting just one of us, or just one of Mia's friends, but the problem is... who?"

Silence fell over the group.

"I think we should split up," Sasuke suddenly said. "Sakura... you're the only one out of all of us who have been to the Akatsuki base and knows how to contact them. I think you should follow that lead and work with the Akatsuki to see if one of them is being individually targeted. Naruto, Kakashi and I should look at our own past enemies - Naruto and I will track down the mercenaries while Kakashi looks at his own enemies. As for Yamato... I think you need to head back to Konoha, not only to coordinate with the Hokage, but there's numerous people in Konoha that is close to Mia. Talk to them. See if they have enemies."

"Alright," Naruto decided, and it spoke volumes how serious he was taking the situation if he didn't bother to argue. "Let's do it. Any objections?"

No one objected.

"Stay in contact," Kakashi instructed. "Naruto, use your frog-summons, Sakura, your scorpion summons... be safe everyone. We don't know exactly what's going on, but we have little time to act before..."

"Don't even talk like that," Naruto croaked out, discomforted at the thought about what his mother was likely going through at that very moment.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Ah... I love writing X.

And yes, Mia is technically four days ahead. Next chapter I'll be focusing on what happened on their end, as well as what else is happening with Mia.

Answer: Naruto: Ramen Days (Rathanel), The Empty Cage (Rathanel), Swapping the Cage (Rathanel), It's For a Good Cause, I Swear! (Sarah1281), The Night The House of Cards Was Built (drakensis), Cheaters Prosper (drakensis), What An Excellent Plan (Tsume Yuki), Fire Rebirth (Nanosilver), Looking Straight to the Sky (Searching. For. Enadi), Scorpion's Disciple (nobody102), Naruto's BFF (Lucillia), The Leaf's Naruto (Morta's Priest), Unfortunate Events (Lonewalker), Paradise (xXSakura-Hime-SamaXx), Pulling The Strings (Hubris Plus)

Question: If happiness / satisfaction was the world's currency, what work would make you rich?