Disclaimer: Only Mia is mine in this story.

Warning: Uh. Innuendos.

Beta: featherstofly

Second Beta: Lavendor Queen

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I gave a jaw-breaking yawn, glaring tiredly at the person in front of me.

Kakashi merely gave me his eye-smile.

"Why am I here again?" I asked, yawning again. My voice sounded husky and a bit cracked at the end.

"Because I need the company."

I gave him a venomous look.

"... Because you're my best friend."

It was turning mutinous at this point.

"... Because Gai found out where you live and was going to pester you all day."

I relaxed, shifting a bit on Kakashi's couch.

"When are you and Sasuke-chan leaving to train?" I inquired, yawning for hopefully the final time that early, early morning.

"Some time later today," Kakashi replied. "... Why don't you sleep with pants on?"

I gave him a blank look. "I don't know. Why do most men I know sleep in nothing but their boxers? Be happy I sleep in underwear, at least."

"I'm not complaining," Kakashi said, handing me a cup of warm tea. He then sat down across from me in his own living room chair, holding his own cup of tea. "I was just curious, actually."

"You have a weird sense of curiosity," I informed him.

Kakashi shrugged, unminding.

"Thanks for rescuing me, by the way," I said dryly. "Even if it is... way... too... earl—how in the hell are you up at this time anyway?"

"The sun is up, so I am, too, and you're welcome. Besides, I still kind of owe you for the tickets—backstage passes, too?!"

I shrugged. "As far as I'm concerned, we're even. I've been able to read the first book and damn. That thing is just... friggin' amazing. Thanks so much for loaning it to me." (1*)

"Yeah, well..."

We lapsed into comfortable silence, until...

"Shit. Did either of us leave a note for Naruto?"

"Uh... Nope."

"Jiraiya's and my son is going to kill me. Then Anko's and my daughter is going to have to resurrect me, and then our son is going to kill me again for not remembering to leave a note—again—because Naruto is going to wake him up at an ungodly hour and he'll be pissed as hell, and—"

"We have a son?"

I briefly recalled my words with Tsume, my promise to her in attempting to coerce Kakashi into joining our little family.

"Sasuke-chan. Naruto-chan and Sakura-chan mentioned he felt more relaxed around you than any other adult besides me, so that automatically makes you the father."

"I don't recall agreeing to this."

"You don't want to be Sasuke-chan's surrogate father?"

"That's not it, well, kind of... I mean... I..."

"That's the whole point of taking on a Genin team, though, isn't it? The shinobi's way of adopting."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Tsume, Anko, Jiraiya..."

"... Yes, well..."

I raised my eyebrow at him. "It wouldn't be any different from you and Minato-sama's relationship."

Kakashi gave me a tired look. "I take it Jiraiya-sama informed you, then?" At my nod, he gave a small sigh. "I'm not... complaining. I just... never really thought about it. It's different. Very... different."

I frowned, setting down my cup of tea on the small table. "You're worried."

Kakashi didn't reply.

Understandably so. It was a different responsibility, but their relationship in that manner had seemed so obvious to me that I hadn't considered how it might have seemed to them at first. I knew Sasuke wasn't looking for new parents—nothing could replace a parent—and he would more than likely feel awkward and uncomfortable around the surrogate parent if he figured out what he felt. Part of him would, more than likely, feel guilty for allowing himself to think of another in a parental light and think he was replacing and thus insulting his own birth parents. The other part of him would be angry at that surrogate figure, or at least have his own anger directed at him... It would be an uncomfortable thing, at the very least.

Naruto didn't mind me mentioning Jiraiya as his own Tou-san, and Jiraiya just rolled with it. Jiraiya did get a bit uncomfortable at first, but it was after seeing Naruto's delighted expression that he seemed to accept the title, and Naruto definitely didn't mind referring to me as his Kaa-chan. Sakura was a bit different, as she still had two living parents. However, she didn't really seem to care when Anko and I get a little... crazy... and start referring to her as our daughter. She seemed delighted to be a part of it, actually, giggling right alongside us.

Kakashi... Kakashi was Kakashi. He didn't really have family ties, and it was for that reason that Tsume pushed me towards him. Kakashi was now part of our family and it was obvious that Sasuke viewed him highly. Kakashi was nothing like Sasuke's birth father, but he was the type of man and sensei that Sasuke needed, at this point in time, to look up to.

Then again, Kakashi would make a good surrogate father for just about everyone. With the way Naruto's been pushing, I was starting to think he wanted two surrogate fathers...

Maybe I should tell Jiraiya-sensei that he has competition, I mused quietly.

"Don't be," I said quietly. "You're a very good man, Kakashi, and an even better influence. I'm not saying you have to accept Sasuke in a son-like manner, I'm just... asking that you continue doing what you're doing. Don't change a thing."

Kakashi seemed contemplative for a moment before he gave me an eye-smile.

"Mn. I can do that."

There was banging at the door. "Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei! Kaa-chan's been kidnapped!"

"Dobe's right. She's gone—"

"Kakashi-sensei, you have to help us find Mia!"

"Jiraiya is Naruto's, Anko is Sakura's and I'm Sasuke's," Kakashi mused aloud. "There's just one little problem with that, Mia."

"Oh?"

Kakashi chuckled, standing up and moving towards the door.

"They're all mine."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"Do we have to do this?" Jiraiya whined.

"Yes," I said. "Of course I want to take numerous photos of us in the always brief time you're in Konoha."

"Kaa-chan," Naruto whined alongside Jiraiya. "We need to go train."

"Train later. Pictures first."

Naruto and Jiraiya gave an exaggerated sigh and eye roll at the same time. I snickered at the display, adjusting the camera. "Just three, okay? One of you and Naruto-chan, one of all of us, and one of you, Jiraiya-sensei."

"Oh, alright," Jiraiya sighed, ruffling Naruto's hair before shoving him out of the photo in a friendly manner. "Move it, brat."

Naruto stuck his tongue out in response before moving to stand beside me as I held up the camera. "Say... Icha Icha!"

Jiraiya laughed loudly and I snapped the photo. "Okay, Naruto-chan, move in."

Naruto gave a mischievous smile as he rushed over to Jiraiya, running up to the tree behind him before flipping backwards off it and landing on his shoulders. Jiraiya gave a grunt of annoyance scowling as Naruto stood on his shoulders.

"Sit down, sweetie. I can't fit you in the frame if you don't."

Naruto then plopped down on Jiraiya's shoulders, and Jiraiya had to hold him up there to steady him because he nearly fell off three times. Naruto held up both his hands, giving a thumbs-up while Jiraiya only rolled his eyes-just as I snapped the picture.

"One more of all of us," I said, setting the camera on the stand and hurrying over to them. Naruto rolled backwards off of Jiraiya and I wrapped my arm around Jiraiya's back, just as he slung his own arm over my shoulders. Naruto stood in front of us, my hand resting on his shoulder and Jiraiya's other hand on his head. The camera flashed and we broke apart, but before I could move grab it...

Jiraiya flickered towards it, grinning brightly. "How about I take some pictures of you two?"

"No more pictures," Naruto whined.

"Nope. Now hug your mother."

I laughed, turning Naruto around and bending down. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders before planting a kiss on his cheek. The camera flashed and Jiraiya snickered. "Alright. One solo of Mia, then one solo of Naruto."

Naruto moved away and I shifted my weight to the balls of my feet. "Hmm... So much potential for this one... You have no idea how tempted I am to do something completely inappropriate. I don't know why, but whenever I'm taking a picture by myself, I always have the urge to do that..."

I tiled my head before shrugging, moving by the three and relaxing against it.

"Say... Chocolate sucks!"

I gave a gasp of absolute shock and horror just as the camera flashed and Naruto and Jiraiya laughed loudly.

"That was mean!" I pouted. "Fine. Naruto, get your butt over here."

Naruto was still snickering as he moved towards the tree and I moved away.

"Say... The Hyuuga heiress as a thing for you!"

Naruto gave a very confused look, his mouth hanging open and his head tilted, with his face screwed up. "Wha..."

The camera flashed and I giggled.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You'll find out soon enough, sweetie. You're too young to date," I said.

Naruto gave a shrug before hurrying over to the camera. "Lemme see, lemme see!"

Jiraiya handed him the camera and Naruto grinned. "Alright! One more! This time of you two!"

I raised an eyebrow and leered at Jiraiya. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Jiraiya opened his arms. I gave a running start before leaping up and into his arms. He adjusted me so he was carrying me bridal style and I gave a thumbs up at the camera, grinning widely. "I always wanted to take a picture like this."

"I know," Jiraiya said, nodding in agreement. "Same here. There's just something appealing about taking a picture with a beautiful woman like this."

Naruto snickered at our banter, holding up the camera. "Say... uh..."

"Just take the pictures. Leave the witty one-liners to us," Jiraiya advised, still grinning from amusement.

The camera flashed.

The pictures were done.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"I can't believe you pushed our son to exhaustion," I sighed, giving Jiraiya a mild glare as we walked down the darkened streets of Konoha to our apartment. Jiraiya rolled his eyes.

"Not my fault he pushed himself too hard."

I gave him a poorly amused look.

Jiraiya shrugged again, adjusting Naruto on his back.

"You staying with us, right?"

"Always."

Whenever Jiraiya stayed in town, at my insistence, he stayed with us. Our home wasn't really big enough for a spare bedroom, so he had to take over my own bed, while I bunked with Naruto.

When we reached the front door to the apartment, I unlocked it and opened it up. Jiraiya moved to tuck Naruto in bed, while I headed to my old side of the home, entering the kitchen and preparing some tea. When I was done, Jiraiya was already seated at the table and I handed him his cup.

"Are you going to watch him in the finals?" Jiraiya asked me.

I gave a small sigh. "I don't know. Just hearing about his C-Rank mission was enough to nearly send me into a panic-attack. God only knows how I'll react to watching all of my babies in the finals..."

Jiraiya chuckled. "Good point. Speaking of his C-Rank..."

"I'm sure he'll be delighted to tell you every gory detail in the morning."

"Excellent."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"Lee-chan, don't you think you should be resting?" I asked hesitantly as I stared at the boy who was attempting push-ups in his hospital room.

"There is no time, Mia-sensei!" Lee declared.

"Uh-huh," I said, my fingers fiddling with an object I held in my hands. "Lee-chan, I really think you should rest."

"I-I must get stronger! My youth must shine through in this dark hour," Lee insisted, completely oblivious to the object I held in my hands.

"Sweetie, you know I adore you, so I'm only doing this because in this case, it really is the right thing to do," I said carefully, kneeling down beside Lee.

Lee looked up at me, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Wha-?"

I jabbed him with the syringe, injecting him with the sedative the nurses had given me. When it had become clear that Lee held a sort of attachment to me and that I held an attachment towards him as well, the nurses tended to call me down whenever they couldn't get Lee back in bed to rest.

He slumped over and I patted his head, sighing. "Sweet boy. Oh, well. Let's see if I can't get him back into bed."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"What am I supposed to do for a month, un?" Deidara asked, lounging in the couch in his and Sasori's suit.

I shrugged, flipping through more channels on the T.V. "Hell if I know. Sasori's training Sakura, Kakashi kidnapped Sasuke, and Jiraiya's hogging Naruto. Tobi's being Tobi and being too busy for the final preparations..."

Deidara gave a sigh. "This sucks, un."

"Yeah. Yeah, it does."

"Wanna blow up the Hokages' faces, un?"

"... Leader-sama would murder us."

"... It would be worth it, un."

"For you, maybe. I, however, actually intend to do something worthwhile with my life besides making old guys' faces go boom-boom."

Deidara shot me an annoyed look.

"Want to...go skydiving?"

Deidara seemed thoughtful. "Well... I guess I don't really have anything better to do. Alright. Got your goggles, un?"

"Left 'em at home. I'll grab them, and then we can go."

"Awesome, un."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

A routine settled in during that month. The only Akatsuki members I ever saw were Deidara and occasionally Sasori. It was really weird not seeing Tobi in so long, but I understood he'd been busy and we would hardly get a chance at being alone—what with Jiraiya staying with us and Deidara kidnapping me the rest of the time.

I rarely saw Sakura and Sasori as well. The puppet demanded the girl to be up earlier than the sun, and only retired with the sun, also. Not that she was complaining; actually, she was quite ecstatic that Sasori took up so much of her time. She explained their training was rather split for the moment, half of it was medical-ninjutsu (as Sasori could just tell that she would become rather prodigious in that field), the rest of it being puppetry. Sakura...a puppet master. It was something I would have never considered, but from what I could tell, she was doing pretty damn awesomely at it. She didn't have a puppet of her own, yet, but Sasori allowed her to borrow one of his own to train with and, if they both felt ready enough for her, to use in the tournament.

Naruto and Jiraiya were the two I saw the most of during that month. I usually walked them to their training grounds and didn't see them until they came home. During my day, I either spent it working, or skydiving with Deidara. Anko was busy with her own final part in the exams, so I didn't see her too often. I saw Ibiki more than I saw her, now that I thought about it.

The moms and I did get to spend a few weekends together, though, which was always nice.

Anyway, long story short: the month went by fairly quickly.

Soon enough, it was the day of the tournament.

"I've got my paper bags, vomit bags, pillow—in case I feel faint—along with my sedatives," I declared to Jiraiya the day of the tournament. The two of us were taking our sweet time to get to the arena, once there, I would take my reserved seat with a couple of friends, and Jiraiya would be heading out to scout the town (just a precautionary).

"Yep. You're all set," Jiraiya replied, shifting his arms a bit. He was carrying me over the massive crowd at shinobi speed. Why? Because I wanted to get there fast to see my babies, and he felt like it.

"I hope so. It's going to be painful to watch, but if it makes them happy..."

"Exactly. Besides, they aren't going to die. Have a little faith in them."

"I know they aren't going to die, but I'm their mother! It's my job to worry needlessly and the occasional nagging."

"You nag?"

"According to Naruto, I do."

"Huh."

I shrugged.

"And here we are."

I looked down at my seat, glancing around the already crowding arena before gulping nervously.

"See you around, Mia," Jiraiya chuckled before heading off. I gave a small, weak chuckle in return before taking a seat. Deidara and Sasori wouldn't be seated with me—they would be with Kakuzu, assisting in the plan.

"Hey there, awesome girl," Anko purred, sliding into the seat next to mine.

"Hi," I returned weakly.

"Oh, don't be nervous. Our baby girl will be just fine,"Anko assured me. I gave a small whimper.

Anko slung an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close and gesturing dramatically to the arena. "It will be a glorious battle, though. However, our little girl will handle it just fine. She will face a strong opponent, but she will win. And when she does win, it will be epic."

"If you say so," I said dubiously.

"I can't wait to see her kick ass. You know, I really wanted to train her for this, but Ibiki started harping on me about remaining an unbiased judge—can you believe that? I mean, come on. That's our baby. Of course I'm automatically biased! It wouldn't hurt to let me train her."

My lips twitched. "You do have a point."

"Oooh. Look at that guy's ass."

I followed Anko's appreciative gaze to a shinobi who had his back to us—he was leaning against the railing in the front. I cocked my head, staring unabashedly at his asset. It was a very familiar ass. An ass I had definitely checked out, but I couldn't quite place it.

"It is a very fine ass," I allowed, still a little confused to who's ass it was.

"Oh, shit. They're starting. Ooh, looks like it's Naruto and Neji first thing."

I stood up from my seat. "Kick his ass, baby doll!"

Naruto looked up at the stands at my shout and saw me waving my arms frantically. He flushed, abruptly looking away.

"Aww, look, the first time he's been embarrassed by his mom in public," I cooed, sitting back down. "They grow up so fast. I remember the time where he used to adore my random shouts at him in public..."

Anko wrapped a consoling arm around my shoulders. "There, there..."

I took a deep breath, already feeling anxious to see the fight begin. I knew who would win, but it was still painful to watch. I couldn't really understand how so many people gathered around and found such things amusing. They were children, for God's sakes. Naruto hadn't even hit puberty, yet he's expected to fight to the death in a tournament—to be expected to prove his worth as well as entertain all these people? It sickened me. It disgusted me. Then again, I fully acknowledged that if it wasn't my baby down there, and if I had grown up in this world, I would probably be just as entertained as the rest of them.

That didn't make it right. Given the different set of morals in this world, it didn't even make it wrong, either.

It just was.

I winced, cringing at a particularly nasty blow to Naruto.

"Mia, you're pale, need to take some medicine?" Anko asked softly, her eyes on me.

"Y-Yeah. I think I do," I whispered shakily while Anko prepared the anxiety medication. I swallowed it dry, feeling it go down my throat like a cold stone, and drop to the pit of my stomach.

It was going to be a long day.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

When Naruto's match finally ended, I was torn between relief (from it ending and him being alive), anger (that he had to have a match in the first place), anxiety (Hello. Invasion), and panicking (because there would be many more fights ahead).

The next match was Sakura and Kankurō and Anko leaned forward anxiously, dying to see the match—

"I forfeit!"

Anko blinked in disbelief.

Sakura—who had already come down to the arena, carrying a wrapped bundle... a puppet, I suspected—stared in disbelief, as well. Before a furious expression took over her face, "You little shit! Get your fucking ass down here before I rip your tiny little dick off of you and make you! Fight me, you coward."

"That's right, bitch!" Anko shouted. "You tell that wuss who's boss! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Somehow, Anko managed to get the entire stadium shrieking and demanding a fight and while Kankurō looked thoroughly embarrassed, he would not fight. So Sakura had to grumble and mutter and whine all the way back to where the competitors were staying and I breathed out a sigh of relief.

Shikamaru's match was significantly easier for me to watch—maybe for the lack of such strong connections, perhaps for the lack of constant near death and beatings like it was for Naruto's, or maybe the medication just started kicking in. Regardless, the match went nearly exactly Canon and soon... far too soon.

"Ah... Sasuke and Gaara now," I murmured, staring down at the two boys who were then alone in the arena.

"This should prove interesting," Anko observed.

I shrugged, uncomfortable with the situation.

And it began.

I was tense, taunt like a bow, while I watched. I knew that when the invasion began, I was to pretend to be asleep like the other civilians and stay out of harm's way and wait for Tobi to come for me. It would be hard—excruciatingly so—to follow the orders. I wanted to go to them. I needed to go to them. I needed to make sure they were alright, and that they would stay alright.

But I couldn't.

Not just because of the plan, but because of what they are—who they are.

They weren't just children, not in this world. They were shinobi. Adults. I couldn't coddle them. I couldn't hide them. I couldn't cover their eyes and ears and tried to shield them. In this world, it would cripple them.

It was painful.

So.

Very.

Painful.

So I sat, perfectly still. And I stayed, perfectly still. And when the genjutsu was cast and Anko dispelled it around us and told me to sit perfectly still, I did. While she went off to help her fellow shinobi, I sat perfectly still.

That was about when the man with the very familiar butt, sat down next to me, draping an arm around my shoulders. He turned to face me and I finally recognized who he was.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

FLASH BACK

I glanced up from my desk, raising an eyebrow as I saw Anko—along with multiple ANBU—drag in a young man. I eyed the masked man curiously before Anko noticed me and she grinned at me. "Well, boys! Take 'em to the cell. I'll get to him in a little bit."

As the ANBU dragged the man away—damn, that's a nice ass... I really shouldn't be hanging around with Anko so much—Anko sauntered over me, humming. "I totally saw you checking out his ass."

I shrugged. "It's a very nice ass."

"You do realize he has magnified hearing, so he can hear what we're saying?"

I flushed, glancing over towards the masked man, he turned his head back around and tilted it. I had a feeling that was his version of a wink and grin. I hesitated. "Well, then, if he ever gets out..."

"Please. You still wouldn't go on a date with him."

"I don't know. It's the mask. There's just something about it..."

"Your sarcasm is noted," Anko said dryly, sitting on my desk. "Speaking of notes, did you get mine?"

"Yes, Anko. I got your vulgar drawing of the... the, uh... the thing on my desk, first thing in the morning, right beside my coffee. I couldn't look at my coffee for the rest of the morning without feeling horribly guilty. I hope you're satisfied."

"Not until I see you and Kakashi performing that thing," Anko mocked.

"You will never see that," I told her firmly.

"You're right. That'd be weird. Not until I know you two performed that thing, then."

"You're a very good drawer, you know that," I said, changing the subject. "Very detailed."

Anko leered. "All part of the job description, baby."

"I figured as much," I muttered, recalling all the times we had played Guess That* at the Akatsuki. I felt my lips quirk up. "There's just one thing. You forgot my birthmark."

Anko blanked out. "... What?"

"You forgot my birthmark."

"... What? You have a—the only way I could not have known about it is if it was on your ass, or your boobs. Which is it? What is it?"

I smirked slyly. "It is somewhere on my body, and you actually have seen it. You were just very, very drunk. On this picture you drew, it would be somewhere visible."

Anko gave a cry of disdain. "What is it? Damn it, woman! Tell me!"

"You'll never find out if you don't stop with sending me these pictures of Kakashi and myself," I sung."

Anko cried out in frustration. "Don't do that! That's low."

I snickered.

"Well, well... has anyone else seen it?"

"One other," I admitted.

"Who?"

"... Tobi."

Anko gasped. "... You two didn't...?"

"No," I said quickly, flushing. "None of the thing happened between us. He just... He just walked in on me changing a few times, alright?"

"Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, but three times?"

"Trust me, he had no control over it, whatsoever," I assured her.

"Okay, fine, whatever. At least give me something to go with this birthmark."

"Considering where it is, and what it looks like, it's completely inappropriate," I told her. "So much, that I'm actually very careful of the bathing suits I pick out and the sunscreen I use. Sometimes even going so far as to put cover up on it."

Anko gave a whine. "Now I really want to know."

"There is one way you can find out," I sung.

Anko glared at me.

"... Fine."

I smirked, motioning her to come closer. She leaned towards me and I whispered in her ear.

She sat back, her eyes wide. "That's... completely awesome. Seriously? Seriously? Can I see?"

I debated on it for a moment. "... I guess, but you can't tell anyone else about it."

"Deal," Anko said immediately, dragging me off to the nearest bathroom.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

After the two of us exited the bathroom, an explosion shook the building. Anko and I exchanged glances before Anko left me, heading towards the explosion. I let out a small breath of annoyance, heading towards the exit—as per protocol—and walking out the door. I continued to walk, heading towards Anko's and my own favorite dango shop, knowing she would head there after the explosion was taken care of and inform me to head back to work.

I glanced up at the dark sky. I knew Jiraiya would be watching over Naruto and the two of them were preoccupied with training, so that was why I had agreed to work late with Anko so we could cover Ibiki's shift (the poor guy was actually sick). I sat down at our usual booth, completely content for the moment.

That was when the guy from before—the prisoner—walked in and sat in the same booth as me, staring straight across at me.

I stared at his completely black mask and tattered black cloak, tilting my head. "... Hi."

"Hello," he said, his voice coming out rough and distorted. "Mind if I join you?"

"They will find you soon enough," I informed him, shrugging. "Until then, sure. It's all on me."

He seemed amused. "You don't seem very scared."

"You could say I deal with 'bad guys' on a daily basis," I said, shrugging again. "Enough about me, what's your name?"

"You may call me whatever you wish," he replied. "It makes no difference."

"Then I'm going to call you X," I said, nodding to myself.

He tilted his head.

"Because I always wanted to say I knew someone named X," I explained. He chuckled, amused.

"You're entertaining," X mused.

"You still have the nicest butt I know," I said.

"Thank you. Yours isn't too bad, either," X replied.

"Thank you," I chirped. "Do you want anything to drink? Eat?"

"I'm alright for the moment. So what, may I ask, is your name?"

"Mia," I demurred. "Just Mia."

"Mia-chan!"

I glanced up, blinking in surprise to find Tobi skipping into the shop. "There you are! I was so worried when I heard about the explos... Who is this?"

I nearly snorted at the sharp edge Tobi held in his tone. "Tobi, this is X. X, this is my best friend, Tobi."

X and Tobi tilted their heads at the same time, acknowledging one another.

"Well, now, I suppose I should make my escape before others come," X chuckled, standing up and moving to stand beside me. He gave me a low bow, taking my hand and holding it up against his mask. The lower half of it slid up, and I could scarcely make out lips before they brushed against my knuckles. And in a plume of black smoke, he was gone.

I cocked my head. "... Damn."

Tobi muttered under his breath, "Oh, brother."

"You know him?" I asked, glancing at Tobi.

"S—Ranked criminal, renowned for his escaping ability. He's a thief and a bounty—hunter, plain and simple. No one's been able to hold him captive for more than an hour. Although, his outfit was a little different than in the bingo books," Tobi sighed, sliding in next to me. "We actually wanted him in the Akatsuki, but we couldn't track him down long enough to... coerce him."

"Pity," I muttered.

"What?"

"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

"Why pity?"

"He just would have made some nice eye—candy, alright?" I defended. "His ass is perfect."

Tobi seemed to be glowering at me. "It is not."

"It is too."

"Not."

"Is."

"Not."

"Is."

"Not."

"Is."

"Just for that, I'm not giving you back your laptop," Tobi sniffed.

"Aw, come on, don't be like that. So what if his ass is completely perfect in every way? Yours is better."

Tobi spluttered. "You can't—you can't just say something like that!"

"I can and I did. Yours is better. Now will you give me back my laptop, please?"

"No!"

"Aww," I whined. "Why not?"

"How can my own butt be better than perfection?" Tobi reasoned. "And why are we even having this conversation?"

"Yours is because I'm biased. I like you better than X, therefore anything X is, you are automatically superior at," I explained.

"Oh."

We lapsed into silence.

"Yours is very nice, too," Tobi said suddenly.

"... Thank you."

"... You're welcome."

"... Why do I feel like I just walked into an awkward conversation, un?" Deidara asked, strolling into the shop. "Oi, Mia, you finished with work, yet?"

"Oh, not yet. I'll be done in half an hour, though. I'll meet you at your hotel room and we can finish our game, 'kay?"

"Fine, un. Just don't cry when I kick your ass," Deidara chuckled.

"Oh! Oh! Tobi wants to play," Tobi chirped.

"No losers allowed, un," Deidara dismissed. "Later, Mia."

"Later, Dei-chan," I called back after he left. "... I should probably head back to work now."

"I'll walk you there."

"Thanks."

END FLASHBACK

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"X," I breathed

"Hello, Mia," X greeted cheerfully. "You know, I quite like you."

"...Thank you...?"

"I almost regret having to do this," X continued, his tone colored with mocking regret. "But, money is money."

I opened my mouth to question what he meant, but I never quite got the chance to, as my world had gone black.

And when I opened my eyes, I found them staring into the familiar yellow slits of Orochimaru.

"Fuck."

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Answer: Nagash. Ooooooh, I adore him.

Question: Give me a funny quote. :) If you have nothing, then a joke. If you still have nothing, then just the first word that pops into your head.