When I think of my future, I am most afraid of:

If I had tried to answer this a year ago, I would've said never going back to Ayiti, but now I know that I will. Even if it doesn't happen in March, after Roseline's wedding, I still know I'll be back. As soon as I have my shit more together, I'm leaving this godforsaken country. So my biggest fear now, I guess, is being used again. Being hurt again by someone I love. Maybe not in the way Farah hurt me since I don't think it's possible for someone to hurt me more than that, but maybe in the way that Jared hurt me. The way Abel hurt me.

I'm scared of finally, finally moving past all my fear and choosing to trust someone again, only to realize that they never really loved me. That it was all a joke to them. And the worst part about a fear like that is that you can't protect yourself from it unless you close absolutely everyone out from your heart. And I don't want to do that. I want to love again, because as bad as the lows can be, I've come to realize that life frankly just is not worth living without it.

What do I do that holds me back the most in life?

I put other people's feelings before my own needs, sacrificing myself to please people that, most of the time, aren't even grateful for the sacrifice.

I become attached to anyone who I feel gets me even a little bit. I try to use them to fill me up. To give me what I know I can't give to myself. And the crazy part is that I can give those things to myself. I can absolutely fill myself up, I just have to take the time to get to know myself like that. To love myself like that. On that deep a level. I just need to cut out all the distractions—all the noise—so that I can hear my own voice as it speaks to me.

So I guess what holds me back the most is the fact that I don't love myself the way I should. The fact that I haven't taken the time to get to know myself, and therefore, cannot make decisions that align with my divine purpose.

Am I okay with the fact that not everyone will like me? Why or why not? How does this make me feel?

Yeah. Everybody's never liked me, so I'm used to it. I don't really care because I don't like most people anyway. I just want the people I love to care about me and that's pretty much it.

What emotion do I try to avoid the most? Why am I afraid of letting myself feel these emotions?

Hopelessness. Helplessness.

I guess I'm afraid to truly let myself feel these things because the last time I leaned into those emotions, I tried to kill myself. And I'm afraid that I'd do it again. That this time, I'd succeed.

How does the feeling of envy show up in my life? Where does it come from?

Envy honestly doesn't show up in my life that often nowadays. I felt it more as a child, especially when I couldn't do the things I wanted to do for myself. Now, with more money, it's not as much of a problem.

It was showing up a lot over the Christmas holiday, but those were obviously special circumstances. Having one's past relationship shoved down their throat is bound to make anyone feel a little envious. Now that I've left that house, I feel so much more at peace. And now that I've set that boundary with my parents—that I won't be going back while Farah and Jared are still together—it's no longer even an issue. I know I won't have to ever be in that situation again, and I honestly feel like I've been set free. Their relationship is their business, and I don't have to make it about me. I don't have to make it a part of my life.

Ever since leaving, I've only really seen envy show up in my life when I see people in the kind of love that I want to be in. I don't really like being single in general, but it's especially hard during the winter when I don't even have the warmth of the sun or the sound of the birds to distract me from it. The only time I really get out is when I'm going to work, to Sasha's place, or to the grocery store. Work obviously isn't fun because it's work, whenever I go to Sasha's house I have to watch her and Crystal being so in love—which is beautiful, don't get me wrong. It would just be a little more beautiful if I wasn't criminally horny. And then whenever I go to the grocery store, it feels like all I'm seeing are couples in every aisle. It's tiring.

Also, I do feel envy show up a little bit when I see people living as their true selves.

It's not because I'm jealous or because I want them to live trapped in some invisible shackles, it's just that seeing people living their truths reminds me of how I wish to be in my truth. The envy comes from the discontent, I guess. From knowing that I'm constantly holding myself back but still, not knowing how to stop. How to break my chains and stop living for people that aren't me. People who don't have to navigate this life.

What was the moment of my heartbreak?

I've had many heartbreaks. My first heartbreak was when my first love died. I was on a bus, on my way to visit him when I found out. It was two days after the earthquake and so the bus was full to the brim with people travelling to see their loved ones. Praying that they would find them when they arrived. I got a phone call from Wilson's brother and even before I answered it, there was this sinking feeling in my gut. I didn't want to pick up, but something told me I had to.

I broke down on the bus that day. Wailing and crying with a voice that did not feel like my own. I got off at the next stop and began to walk. I didn't know where I was or where I was going, but I just walked and walked until the sun went down. I ended up in front of some shop; I couldn't read the sign through my blurred vision, but it didn't matter, it was closed anyway. I sat down by the front door and rested against the wall, still wailing and crying as day became night. A short while later, I heard chains clanking around inside the shop and then an older woman cracked open the door and poked her head out. She looked annoyed, like she was ready to chase away whoever was making noise on her storefront, but when she took in my state that night, everything in her softened.

She asked me who I was, what I was doing there, but I couldn't answer any of her questions. My mind was numb. I couldn't think of the words to speak, all I could do was sob. She told me her name was Madam Lovelie, and she invited me inside her shop where she gave me water and some food that I didn't really eat. There were a few children inside the shop with her, some playing around, some already asleep. I found a spot beside them and slept on the floor of the shop that night, and the following morning, I got back on a bus and went to the city to see Wilson one last time. To say goodbye.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect, and I don't know if it would've lasted forever, but I do know that we had a lot more time left. He had just signed a lifechanging music contract and he wanted to take this next step in his life with me. I was so excited to see all the great things he would do—so excited just to be with someone so gifted and talented at what they did.

He was taken from me too soon, and as much as time passes, that feeling of us having unfinished business has never become easier to stomach.

The Wilson heartbreak hurt more than the Jared heartbreak, for sure. By the time Jared and I ended, our relationship had lost a lot of its allure, so it was much easier to part from him. The reason why the situation with Jared hurt more than the Wilson situation as a whole though, was because of the compounded heartbreak from both him and Farah.

Farah was the reason why that heartbreak had been the worst heartbreak I'd ever experienced. Losing her was like losing myself. I felt like the ground had been snatched from beneath me. And maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if not for the way their relationship had persisted, like a wound that grows infected. But despite the pain from all those experiences, right now, the only thing on my mind when I think of heartbreak, is Abel.

I don't know if I loved him. If I love him.

I feel like I haven't known him long enough to even have the right to love him, but I'm feeling something. And it's fucking strong. It hurts to even think about him. To think of what we could have been and how we were now nothing. How I just chased him away.

And what breaks my heart even more about this whole situation is the fact that I know if I go back there and apologize—if I beg for him to understand, he'll probably take me back. But my pride...

I can't do it.

The simple fact that he left me to be with his ex paralyzes me every time I think of going to see him. I don't want him to think I'm so desperate for love that I'm willing to chase after a man who already ran away from me.

My pride is the reason I'm alone right now, and that's the biggest heartbreak of all.

What relationships and friendships do I have that are unhealthy?

My relationship with myself, first and foremost.

I need to be kinder to myself, and I think that's the root issue here. Everything else is a product of that.

Also, my relationships with my family members. I know that my relationship with Farah is pretty much a lost cause for as long as she continues this Jared bullshit, but the craziest part is that, deep down, I know I'll forgive her. As soon as she breaks up with him, I'll forgive her—well maybe not as soon as, but eventually. I love her too much, and if they're not together then it's not worth punishing myself further. She's really the only person on this entire mass of land that truly understands me in that unspoken way. There are other people I feel naturally comfortable around, but this is something more. And I miss it.

My relationships with my parents are unhealthy, but I'm pretty sure that's just life. Or at least it's life if you're Ayisyen. And my relationship with Josephe too, but I want to fix that. I will.

These are all relationships I can't end. People I can't just cut out from my life, so I have to find a way to make this shit work. The only relationships I have that I honestly think are healthy, are the ones with my friends. With Sasha and Crystal especially. I fucking love them, and I'm so grateful to have met them.

It's funny; we spend so much time together that back in school, people thought we were a throuple. We stopped correcting people after a while because nobody believed us anyway, but the reason I spent so much time with them was because it filled me up. They're both so intentional with everything they do, down to even the way they speak to me, and I've never had that before. Never had a friendship with people who respect me to my core. People who are honest with me, but also want me to be my own person. People who celebrate me, even when I don't make decisions they agree with.

My relationship with Abel was fairly healthy, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't growing slightly codependent. Maybe this time away from him is a good thing.

What do I need to forgive myself for? Why have I struggled to forgive myself for this?

For trying to kill myself and hurting everyone I love in the process.

Although it's easy to move past it and just not think about it, that doesn't mean I've healed from it. I can repress it all I want, but those emotions will find a way to release themselves, even if I don't speak them. I still haven't forgiven myself for that, and that's what really makes it the hardest to move forward. To change my relationship with myself. To get to a place where I'm not constantly afraid.

I'm still afraid I might try to kill myself again, and that's also why I'm afraid to feel. But if I don't feel, then these emotions just fester. They grow.

I'm also afraid that I'll try again, and this time, it won't be as traumatic. My family won't be as sad to see me in a hospital bed or in a body bag. The novelty will have worn off, and on some level, they'll be relieved to finally be rid of me. To close that chapter of their lives and no longer have to play that 'will she, won't she?' game.

The fear makes it hard to forgive myself, but the lack of forgiveness makes it hard to move past the fear and it just...it feels like I'm stuck in this vicious cycle with no way out except to—never mind.

Fuck, I have issues.

Another thing I need to forgive myself for is for making mistakes.

Sometimes I have trouble accepting the fact that I'm human. I don't extend myself the grace that I extend others around me. I feel like I've always been held to a higher standard than the people around me. Especially by my parents. Maybe it's because I was the golden child—effortlessly good at school, a star at sports, and a young talent on the violin. I hadn't been as personable as my siblings, but my parents hadn't seemed to care as much while I was making them proud. And then when school got harder, when my body changed and I couldn't play sports as well, when I lost interest in the violin after my teacher moved, I felt like I had nothing more to offer. And my parents reinforced this belief in me. They made me feel like I had nothing more to offer, and to them, I didn't.

They weren't interested in me past the things I could do. The prestige I could bring them. And, as a result, I lost interest in myself as well.

I still need to forgive myself for the way I abandoned myself. The way I internalized everything I heard from my parents and became exactly the person I had always been scared of becoming. Someone so out of touch, so lost within myself that I don't even know what brings me joy anymore. I don't have that same spark. I don't know how to enjoy life the way I once did. And I can blame it on this country, on the people around me, on any fucking thing, but the fact of the matter will always remain the same.

That lust for life always comes from within.

fun fact: chevelle's shadow work originally wasn't going to be part of the story. It began as an exercise I did to understand her character better and it blossomed into this. thank you for being here if you're here<3 i love y'all.

if you're enjoying this story, pls consider throwing me a follow to stay updated on my future projects! there are roughly 4 more chapters coming to wattpad, and then as i've mentioned before, the final few chapters will remain on radish. i've enjoyed the experience of re-learning wattpad and re-sharing myself and my work with you guys though, so there will definitely be some wattpad exclusive works in the coming months:)

<3

-nabi